Critical Failures V (Caverns and Creatures Book 5)

by Robert Bevan

  “Bingam!” snapped Captain Righteous. “What in the Light are you –”

  “Everybody shut up!” Katherine whispered harshly. “They’ll be here any second.”

  Captain Righteous kept Alessandro’s sword pointed up and toward Alessandro. “If we’re discovered, you die first.”

  The bathroom was small, and more crowded than it needed to be due to Shava wanting to keep her naked body as far away from Bingam as she could. Bingam, as usual, was trying desperately to hold back sobs.

  Katherine heard the door to the hallway swing open and slam into the wall. Several sets of footsteps marched into the room.

  “It’s empty,” said a male Drow voice.

  “The air is warm in here,” said Lady Vivia. “And there is a peculiar smell in the air.”

  “We are getting near the kennels.” The third voice was also male. “The air doesn’t circulate so well this far back.”

  “Very well. Move on to the next – Wait, what was that?”

  Everyone glared at Bingam, but none quite so disgustedly as Shava. His fart had barely been a squeak, but it might as well have been an air horn for Drow ears. His lower lip quivered as his face turned purple from trying not to cry. Something had to give.

  “Who’s in there?” demanded Lady Vivia. “Show yourself!”

  Captain Righteous grabbed Alessandro tightly by the upper arm and whispered in his ear. “Get rid of them.” Pressing the tip of the sword against his neck, he continued. “If it comes to a fight, I’m coming after you first.” He pulled the door open slowly and nodded for Alessandro to go through. Alessandro complied.

  “Ah, there you are,” said Lady Vivia. “And without a scrap of clothing. How interesting. Were you alone in there?”

  “I was.”

  Bingam blew a wet sob out through his nose.

  “... not,” said Alessandro, making as good an effort to improvise as anyone could have asked for.

  Captain Righteous nodded for Shava to exit as well. Terror in her eyes, she shook her head. Then she glanced at Bingam, who was staring at her tits, and reconsidered. She walked out of the bathroom, covering her body as well as her skinny black arms would allow.

  “Just as I suspected,” said Lady Vivia. She had the same joyous yet hateful tone in her voice as she had when she’d been telling Katherine what she planned to do with her. Shava was fucked.

  “Lady Vivia, you need to look in the –”

  “SILENCE!”

  Katherine didn’t know if that was an incantation or just a regular shout, but it succeeded in the task of shutting Shava the hell up.

  “Take her to the kennels,” Lady Viva commanded her subordinates. “Prepare her to beg for her life on the hot plate.”

  “Very good, Lady Vivia.”

  “I must have some words with Alessandro. I’ll be along shortly. Close the door behind you.”

  After the door closed, Captain Righteous looked at Katherine and held up two fingers.

  Katherine shook her head. Yes, there were only two of them out there. But one of them was a wizardess. It was better to wait and see if Alessandro was going to get rid of her or betray them.

  “M’lady,” said Alessandro.

  “Don’t you m’lady me! Why don’t you give me one good reason I shouldn’t try you on the hot plate as well?”

  “Do you want to hear me beg?” asked Alessandro, his voice full of confidence and sleaze. “I can do that here.”

  “Your skills are not as unique as you seem to believe. I could train any of the clan to perform the acts of love as you do, and there are many who would love to take your place. Why even today, Stavros demonstrated an uncharacteristic boldness in his advances. How would you feel being replaced by Stavros?”

  “Disturbed.”

  Katherine smiled to herself. Nice one, Alessandro.

  “I’ll give you one last chance, Alessandro,” said Lady Vivia. “Share the pleasures of the flesh with me, then we shall go watch your whore burn together.”

  “Yes, Lady Vivia.”

  “I just need a moment to freshen up.”

  “NO!” cried Alessandro.

  Katherine’s eyes met Captain Righteous’s. It was preferable to avoid a fight, but if Lady Vivia discovered them hiding in the bathroom, shit was going to go down. Katherine shrugged. At least she wouldn’t have to listen to them fuck.

  “What is wrong with you, Alessandro? I must make water.”

  “Then make water on me!”

  Wow. Way to take one for the team, Alessandro.

  “I beg your pardon?” said Lady Vivia.

  Come on, Vivia. You’re thinking about it. Sell it, Alessandro!

  “Shower me with your sweet golden water! I long to feel its warmth on my bare chest... and... face.”

  He wavered a bit with that last bit. Rein it in a little, buddy.

  “Is that what the young Drow are doing these days?” asked Lady Vivia. Her tone was pouty but curious. “Do you continue to stray because I’ve not yet urinated on your face?”

  “Um... yes.”

  “How was I to know? You’ve never even asked me.”

  “I’ve been meaning to bring it up, but the timing never seemed quite right.”

  “Hmmm...”

  Holy shit. She was really considering this.

  Captain Righteous gestured at his own crotch, rolling a finger outward to simulate peeing. Then he ran his fingers down the front of his face. Finally, he pointed at himself and Katherine.

  That fucking sleazebag. For all his “righteousness”, he was just as bad as Bingam. Katherine mouthed the words “Fuck no!”

  The captain rolled his eyes and continued his pantomime. He went from pointing his finger between himself and Katherine to pointing outside, then punched his fist into his open palm.

  Katherine rethought the whole performance from the beginning, altering her interpretation. While Lady Vivia is pissing on Alessandro’s face, we attack. That sounded much better. Katherine nodded her consent, hoping like hell that this new interpretation was the correct one.

  “I’m sorry, Alessandro. Perhaps when I’m feeling more adventurous. Today, you shall love me as I’ve trained you.” Her voice was getting closer to the bathroom.

  “Please!” cried Alessandro.

  “Compose yourself! You can’t just spring this sort of thing on a woman and expect her to be as aroused by the idea as you are. Now get on the bed and wait for –”

  Lady Vivia stood in the open doorway in a semi-transparent purple silk robe which was untied and hanging open. Her whole body froze, except for her eyes which moved from the sword pressing against her neck, to Captain Righteous, to Bingam, who may or may not have still been trying to rub one out in the corner. When her gaze fell on Katherine, her eyes widened, then widened more still when they found Butterbean. Katherine could practically see the dots connecting in her mind.

  “No!” Lady Vivia gasped. She turned to run. “Stop! Don’t open the –”

  Katherine caught a handful of Lady Vivia’s robe and jerked her back, landing her hard on her bony black ass.

  Captain Righteous stood over her with his sword. “Not another word.”

  It was too late anyway. The sounds of barks, howls, and screams were beginning to echo down the hallway, and they were quickly growing louder.

  Captain Righteous looked up at Katherine while he tied Lady Vivia’s hands behind her back with the belt of her robe. “You opened all the cages?”

  “I had to,” said Katherine. “They were being treated cruelly. They were all cramped and starved half to death.”

  “How many were there?”

  Katherine shrugged. “A couple of dozen.”

  “We can’t risk going out there now. They’ll tear us apart.”

  The howls and screams seemed to have settled just outside the door. The panicked Drow screams were now accompanied by new Drow shouting orders. Reinforcements had arrived, and they were making a stand.

  “No,” said K
atherine. “Now is the best time to go. I made them promise not to attack –” She stopped just short of saying us. “... me.”

  “You made them promise?”

  “Well... Butterbean made them promise.”

  Captain Righteous looked at Butterbean, who was wagging his tail and looking very proud of himself. “And we're to bet our lives on the promise of starving dogs? They’d say anything to get out of those cages, and I’ve witnessed many a man break a promise for lesser motivations than an empty stomach.”

  “Their stomachs aren’t empty,” said Katherine. “I fed them.”

  “With what?”

  Shit.

  Katherine looked at the floor. “Melody.”

  Captain Righteous sighed. “A fine horse, she was. I’ll put my trust in her to save my life this one last time. Let’s go.”

  “Not so fast,” said Katherine. “With all those Drow and wolves out there, we should still try to call as little attention to ourselves as possible. I know of an exit not far from here, and we’d do well to reach it without any confrontations.”

  Captain Righteous nodded. “Agreed. What do you have in mind?”

  Katherine looked at Lady Vivia. “I want you to know that I’m really sorry about this, and that I have nothing but respect for you and your people.”

  Lady Vivia glared at Katherine with pure hatred in her violet eyes. “No amount of your groveling will make me forgive what you did to Mittens.”

  “I’m sorry for that as well, but that’s not what I was talking about.”

  “What are you talking about?” asked Captain Righteous.

  Katherine shook her head. “I can’t even bring myself to say it. I need the sword.”

  “I will not let you murder a restrained and unarmed prisoner in cold blood.”

  “Please,” Katherine scoffed. “As if I would ever do that. Just hand over the sword please.”

  Captain Righteous presented the sword, palms up under the flat of the blade, the pommel to Katherine, but he shifted his stance to be between her and Lady Vivia.

  Katherine rubbed two fingertips on the black blade. The substance coating it was thick and oily to the touch. Her fingertips were pitch black. She rubbed her blackened fingertips on the back of her other hand, and the bladeblack transferred just as she hoped it would. After giving the blade a good rubbing up and down with both palms, she smeared the substance all over her face, hands, and forearms where her cloak left them exposed. When she was as done as she could be without a mirror, she turned to Captain Righteous.

  “How do I look?”

  “Like a damned fool.”

  Katherine sighed. “I mean, could I pass for Drow?”

  “Is that meant to be a joke?” asked Lady Vivia.

  “Absolutely not. I honestly mean no offense by this.”

  “It’s not offensive, you stupid mongrel. It’s simply preposterous.”

  “See now, that’s offensive.”

  “I’m afraid I have to agree with Lady Vivia,” said Captain Righteous. “There’s more to being Drow than black skin.”

  “I’m not trying to infiltrate their government or anything. I just need to fool them for as long as it takes for me to run by with a wolf chasing me.”

  “Your hair is the wrong color. By the Light, you’re not even a full-blooded elf!”

  Katherine raised her eyebrows at Captain Righteous. “You’re walking a line there. And I’m telling you, none of that is going to matter. I’m going to be another black blur in the darkness. I’m sorry. That came out wrong.”

  “Even if you could pass for Drow, where does that leave me and Bingam? Our body styles are even farther removed from that of the Drow than yours is.”

  “That’s why you two are going to ride in the Bag of Holding.”

  “Are we now?”

  “Do you have a better idea for avoiding confrontation?”

  “Fine. Give me back the sword, and we’ll agree to ride in the bag.”

  “I’m about to charge out into a bunch of Drow. What if I need to defend myself?”

  “If your disguise is as effective as you seem to believe it is, you shouldn’t need a sword.”

  “I didn’t say it was foolproof.” Katherine didn’t know why the captain was being so stubborn on this particular point. Why would he trust her enough to pull him out of the Bag of Holding, but not enough to let her hold onto the only weapon they had between the three of them? Unless...

  “Running away while holding a sword while the others stand and fight may call even more attention to you,” he said. “If your disguise fails, you can quickly pull me out of the bag. I would imagine that I’m more dangerous with a blade than you are.”

  … unless that motherfucker was still planning to arrest her once they got out of immediate danger. Well played, Cap’n.

  “Fine,” said Katherine. “Take the goddamn sword. You guys ready to go?” She held open the bag.

  Captain Righteous stood tall and erect with his arms flat by his sides. Bingam followed his uncle’s example.

  Katherine scooped up both men, then smiled to herself and reached inside. “Sword.” She pulled Alessandro’s black-smeared blade out of the bag.

  “Good luck,” said Lady Vivia. She was actually smiling. That provided little reassurance for Katherine.

  “Ready, Butterbean?”

  Butterbean let out a sharp bark and wagged his tail.

  “On three, let’s go. One, two... AAAAAAAHHHHHH!” She screamed as she opened the door, both to aid the being-chased-by-a-wolf scenario and to cover Lady Vivia’s cries for help. She and Butterbean slipped outside, and Katherine slammed the door shut behind her.

  Both wolves and Drow paused in their fighting to stare at her. Then all hell broke loose.

  Two of the wolves she’d made the pact with snapped at her, catching the bottom of her cloak in their teeth. At the same time, one of the Drow shouted, “That’s Lady Vivia’s prisoner! She killed Mittens!”

  Fuck! This plan sucked. Her disguise had fooled the wolves, but hadn’t even come close to fooling the Drow.

  She smacked one wolf on the muzzle with the flat of her blade and yanked her cloak free from the other one. She and Butterbean ran like hell down the corridor.

  “Get her!” cried the Drow who had identified her. Wolves and Drow were both hot on her trail. Butterbean barked as they ran, Katherine glanced back to find that the wolves had stopped chasing her, and had instead chosen to gang up on one of her pursuing Drow. That guy was fucked. Four more Drow were still hot on her trail, and one of them was nocking a bow as he ran.

  A well-timed duck sent the arrow ricocheting off the wall in front of her, but she couldn’t keep that up forever. She needed to think of something quick.

  Think, Katherine. What else do you have in that bag? Stavros’s body probably wouldn’t slow them down much, and would likely piss them off even more. What else did she have in there? She supposed there must still be the skin and bones of two horses, but that was even less useful than Stavros.

  There was always Captain Righteous, but that was an absolute last resort. If Tim could accidentally take down a minotaur, then she could take on four skinny – Goddammit, Katherine.

  She held the Bag of Holding upside down as she ran. Reaching up into it, she whispered, “All the caltrops.” No point in giving them any warning. The spiked metal doodads clattered onto the floor behind her, but not quite as spread out as she would have liked.

  “Caltrops!” shouted one of the sword-wielding Drow. So much for whispering. Katherine glanced back. Three of Katherine’s pursuers slowed down to step carefully through the trap, but the archer’s attention was focused on nocking his next arrow.

  “YEEEOOOOOOOOWWWW!” he cried, falling forward onto his bow and snapping it in half.

  Katherine had bought herself a little bit more of a lead. She just hoped it would be enough.

  By the time she and Butterbean reached the stairs, the three Drow had nearly caught up to them agai
n.

  The stairs led nearly all the way up to the surface, but the exit was higher still, hidden in a nook between the branches of a massive elm tree. Accessible by a ladder running up a narrow chute bored through the trunk.

  She had two choices. Pull everyone out of the bag and fight the Drow, or put Butterbean in the bag and start climbing. It was a gamble, but she needed to think beyond just the next few minutes. Escaping the Drow wasn’t going to get her any closer to her brother if Captain Zero-Tolerance was just going to take her into custody as soon as they surfaced. She shoved her sword into the Bag of Holding, knelt in front of Butterbean, and held it open. “Hurry up. Get in.”

  By the time she’d scooped up Butterbean and started climbing, the Drow were right on top of her. Or rather, she was right on top of them, in a more literal sense. Her progress was slow, as she spent more time jerking her ankles away from grabby hands and trying to stomp fingers than she did climbing. Once she reached the top, she was still going to need to open the hatch and climb out. The Drow underneath her finally got a solid grip on Katherine’s leg that she couldn’t shake off. Her knuckles strained to maintain their grip on the ladder rung. But he was strong, and had gravity and both of their combined weight on his side. She had made it all the way to within three ladder rungs of freedom,

  His white teeth grinned up at her through the darkness. He knew he had her. “The game is over, half-elf. You will pay for Mittens’s death!”

  Mittens’s death? Seriously? This guy didn’t give a shit about Mittens. He was just trying to get into Lady Vivia’s pants, just like – That’s it!

  “Okay,” said Katherine. “I’ll pay.” She redoubled her effort to maintain her grip on the rung with her right hand and let go with her left. “Can you break a Stavros?”

  “What?” The Drow looked genuinely confused, but it didn’t affect his grip.

  Katherine pressed her body back against the wall, and held the bottom of the Bag of Holding between her teeth. She reached inside and carefully pronounced the word “Stavros” through the corner of her mouth.