Murder by Gravity

by Barbara Graham

  “Yes, of course.” Karen paused. “You don’t need the doctor?”

  “Thankfully not. We’ve managed to avoid shooting anyone so far.” Tony was tempted. “And Mr. Fairfield is not any more dead than he was.”

  “Hang on,” Karen said.

  He thought he might have heard Karen snicker before she put him on hold. Maybe he should have his ears checked.

  A moment later, she said, “I’m back. I’ll stay in touch, but it is Halloween night and my phone bank looks like Christmas. I ought to get paid extra for this.”

  Tony didn’t disagree, but he knew she actually enjoyed her job. Her brother, Wade, once said that Karen was born telling everyone around her what to do and when to do it. Dispatch was the perfect job for her.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Ferrying the partygoers down the mountain turned out to be a bigger job than Tony expected. The road was so narrow it was virtually a one-way, one-lane path. There wasn’t any place where it was wide enough to allow vehicles to pass, so they had to send a load of kids down and then return empty to pick up more. Mike had the fun job of ferrying the partygoers down the mountain and coming back to pick up others. With every member of his department on the mountain, except J.B. Lewis, the county’s usual night patrol, and Sheila, Tony prayed there would be fewer calls than normal for Halloween.

  The mayor and owner of Cashdollar Mortuary, Calvin had to wait in line like the others. The hearse was long and powerful and made it most of the way up the mountain just fine. When the road became impassable, he climbed out, dressed in worn jeans, a sweatshirt celebrating Tennessee football, and heavy leather gloves. He wasted no time, but opened the back door on the hearse, the beams of his headlights centered on the casket. “I’ll need help. I can’t get any closer.”

  Calvin, Tony, and the two available deputies lined up on either side of the coffin and lifted. It didn’t budge. They all stepped back, eyeing the casket with some concern.

  “Holy cow, she wasn’t kidding about its weight.” Tony didn’t look away from the gleaming wood. “Why would anyone have to have such a heavy coffin?”

  Even Calvin was shaking his head. “It’s not one I would recommend. There’s no reason I can see.”

  Tony said, “I heard it has a copper lining.” His words produced nothing but frowns on every face.

  “So we need even more strong backs.” Wade studied the remaining partygoers. “There’s not much muscle left up here.”

  “Mike should be back up here in a minute.” Darren looked down at the coffin. Swirling across the dark wooden surface, illuminated by flashlights, was a flurry of fine white. “Is that more snow?”

  A gust of wind swirled the flakes. Definitely new snow. Tony toyed with the idea of just quitting his job, driving down the mountain, and leaving his official vehicle parked in the sheriff’s bay, with the keys in it. It would be ready for his replacement, whoever that might be. The moment passed after he considered that the idea of a special election might leave them only Matt Barney on the ballot. He took a deep breath and it erased his insane impulse. He refused to inflict such a waste of skin on the citizens of Park County. “Okay, let’s think. How did three skinny kids steal this and get it up here? Surely we can reverse the procedure?”

  Wade was the only one of them besides Tony who had been to Mrs. Fairfield’s home and seen the casket on-site. “Mrs. Fairfield had it on wheels. There is no other way for that woman to be able to move it from the wall over to the table for tea.”

  “That’s right!” Tony slapped him on the back. “Wade, you’re a genius.”

  “Does that mean I get to go home, snuggle with my wife, and eat leftover Halloween candy while you juggle Mr. Fairfield?”

  “Ha! Let’s find some wheels.” Tony looked at the undertaker. “Calvin?”

  “Certainly. I use wheels all the time. But . . .” Calvin’s eyelids drooped with fatigue. “I don’t have any with me. Not only that, they’re not exactly designed for off-road work, if you catch my meaning.” Calvin continued to study the coffin, clearly considering its awkward position and the distance to the hearse.

  “But how’d those skinny guys move it once they were up here?” Wade stared at the distance between the coffin and the Carpenter boys’ pickup.

  Tony said, “I’ll bet they just backed the pickup almost to Mrs. Fairfield’s front door, and then pushed the coffin into the pickup bed from its display stand. Once they got it up here and parked with the front end of the pickup facing uphill, they probably all three pushed the coffin and it slid out right where it is now.” He mentally measured the distance to the hearse. “I’m sure they never planned to return it.”

  “Oh, I have an idea,” Calvin interrupted. “I’ll have to go back down to town. I’ll need to leave the hearse here because we’ll need it later.”

  “We’ll wait. Why don’t you ride down with Mike? He’ll take you wherever you need him to.” Tony was not leaving the casket here unprotected, even if they all had to wait until sunrise. He hoped he wouldn’t need a wooden stake but thankfully there had been no rumors of the deceased gentleman having vampire tendencies. “Off you go.”

  While they waited for the funeral director to return, Wade finished his photographs and Darren held a protective tarp over Wade’s head and the coffin. Tony was in charge of the flashlight. He hoped the batteries were as long-lived as the advertisements suggested. Dark, snow, and a coffin didn’t appeal to him.

  Wade looked up from his work. “Nobody saw those little ferrets shove a coffin into the bed of a pickup?”

  Darren groaned. “Are you kidding? With all the thick, overgrown vegetation and tall privacy fences in that neighborhood, I’m not surprised. Those lots are huge and every one of them is overgrown. Six grown men could have a sword fight in the front lawn and none of the neighbors would have been able to see a thing.”

  Nodding his agreement, Tony moved slightly away from the others but kept the flashlight focused on their work. Cell phone service in this spot was okay, if not great. Theo would worry if he didn’t call when he was out this late. “I’m not sure when I’ll get home.”

  Theo’s voice was fuzzy, like she’d been asleep. “I know you are not out having fun.”

  “No fun,” Tony agreed with her understatement. “But wait until you hear what we have been doing.”

  After what seemed like an endless wait, Calvin returned, driving a huge pickup pulling a wheeled trailer. On the trailer was a device that looked like a combination of a pulley and winch system on wheels. As Calvin backed it into position, Tony saw there were also several large chains and a bracing arm.

  Calvin climbed down. “I’ll need some help.”

  “Sure thing.” The fascinated viewers leapt to lend a hand. “What do you need?”

  “This gizmo works sort of like a crane. We need to slip these hooks into those rings near the coffin’s bottom.” Calvin handed the hook he was holding to Tony. “There’s two on each side.”

  Obligingly, Tony slipped the first hook in and stepped back to attach the next one. Wade worked on the other side.

  “Don’t twist the chain.” Calvin’s words were muffled by the sweater he’d pulled up over his mouth. The snow was getting thicker and the air colder.

  Following Calvin’s directions, Tony and Wade got the support chains clipped on correctly. It was so cold now, Tony could barely feel his fingers after handling the chilled steel.

  Calvin said, “The rest of you—we’re going to lift this coffin with the winch and move it to the hearse. See the roller platform in the back? Slide that out.”

  Everyone hustled to do his bidding.

  Calvin hit the power button on the winch and the cable tightened and slowly lifted the casket. It seemed steady, almost like it was too heavy to swing. Calvin manipulated it over to the rear of the hearse where the rollout waited for its cargo. Calvin had clearly practiced this maneuver. He moved the casket into position, and pushed the button to relax the tension on the chain. He sig
naled for his assistants.

  Tony and Wade jumped forward and unclipped the hooks.

  Calvin gave the coffin a gentle push and sent it rolling smoothly into the hearse.

  The entire crew heaved a collective sigh of relief. Maybe they would get off the mountain before dawn.

  Calvin cast a professional eye over the coffin. “Don’t get too excited. The night’s not over. We’ll still need a lot of strong people to carry this into the house. At least it doesn’t appear to be really damaged, just a couple of small scratches. We can patch the finish easily enough.”

  “That’s quite a gizmo, Calvin.” Tony studied the contraption on the trailer. With it, he had actually done little to help.

  Calvin nodded his agreement and brushed the snow off his hands. “I’ve only needed this in a few cases.”

  Tony knew “case” was mortician-speak for burial. “What’s it for, really?”

  “If there isn’t a service, I can handle a burial single-handed.”

  Calvin and his hearse led the procession down the mountain. Wade followed in the pickup, hauling the winch.

  Tony eventually brought up the rear. He was the last to come off the mountain, but he consoled himself. At least the sun wasn’t up. Yet. There was lots of work to be done. He guessed they had about twenty kids to process or lecture and parents to call. Some of the kids were just innocent and stupid, and some were ringleaders. He didn’t love this part of his job.

  A pale, exhausted Mrs. Fairfield answered their knock. Dispatch had called to inform her of their coffin rescue and she insisted she could not wait until later in the morning for her husband’s remains to be returned. Sleep, even with such a compassionate friend in the house, had eluded her.

  Jane, now officially labeled compassionate, didn’t look any better than Mrs. Fairfield. Tony frowned when he saw his mother’s bloodshot eyes and pale face. “I’m guessing you didn’t get any sleep?”

  “She couldn’t stop crying, much less go to sleep,” Jane whispered, her voice ragged. “We’ve been playing cards. For hours.” Jane stumbled to the sofa, more or less collapsed onto it with the side of her face pressed against the armrest, and stared into space.

  Unlike his mother, Mrs. Fairfield suddenly seemed invigorated by their arrival. She offered tea and cookies, bustling around like she’d had a good night’s sleep and a lot of caffeine.

  Tony carried his camera inside. He wanted to take a few photographs of the home’s interior and the now-empty wheeled display table. It was, in fact, sturdy stainless steel, with four locking wheels. “Have you cleaned this?”

  “No, no, your deputy was very insistent that I not touch it, much less clean it.”

  Wade twirled his favorite fingerprint brush. “I’m ready when they are.”

  As if awaiting a cue, the hearse pulled up outside. Calvin backed the vehicle close to the front steps. It put the coffin up about to the level of the top step. The cart was a couple of feet taller. “We need more muscle.”

  Tony’s deputies had scattered on other calls.

  Karen informed Tony that help was already on the way. She had called for more assistance. The two-man ambulance crew arrived. The EMTs immediately started discussing the difference between hauling someone out of a building as opposed to hauling someone in. “How much does he weigh?”

  “We’re guessing about six to eight hundred with the custom box.” Tony counted. With the two newcomers, they had five men. Surely that would be enough.

  “No kidding.” The biggest of the new arrivals flexed his muscles. “If we roll the table over here, and lift on the count of three, I’ll bet we can heave it up here in one smooth move.”

  “Actually,” Calvin interrupted. “Now that we are on fairly level ground, I have a power table that can lift it up another foot. That will make it a bit easier.” He cracked a jovial smile. “No matter what the job, it’s all about the toys.”

  “Please stand away from the door, Mrs. Fairfield.” Wade moved the woman to the sofa.

  With plenty of muscle, the extra foot supplied by the lift, and determination, the men heaved the coffin up and into the house, setting it with care onto the white cloth covering the wheeled table. Seconds after receiving heartfelt thanks from everyone, the EMTs vanished, their radio crackling with a new emergency.

  Mrs. Fairfield smoothed the corner of the cover on the top of the table. “I always leave this on, but I can unbutton the skirt and wash it. Plus, I have several different ones. I’m particularly fond of the Christmas skirt. Lots of felt trees and sequins on it.” Grinning widely, she wiped her streaming eyes. “Would you like to see it?”

  Tony glanced at his watch. It was three in the morning. “Would you mind showing me at a later time? I still have a lot of work to take care of tonight.” Contacting the parents of their party kids promised to be lots of fun.

  “Of course, of course.” Mrs. Fairfield might look brighter than she had when they arrived, but Jane looked ready for her own coffin.

  “Come on, Mom, I’ll drop you off at your house. You can get your car later.”

  Jane didn’t protest but followed her youngest child down the steps. He didn’t bother with formalities, just picked her up like a child and put her on the passenger seat of the Blazer.

  Wade stood nearby. He didn’t look any better than Tony felt.

  “Wade, go home. You’ll be on duty in a few hours.” Tony blinked when the headlights of a vehicle coming down the road struck him. “I don’t think our little felons will run far tonight.”

  Wade nodded.

  “Archie will probably want to do a little legal research to see how many crimes we can charge the little perverts with.”

  Wade paused as he was climbing into his vehicle. “I was there, and I don’t believe it. Who would?”

  By the time Tony had crawled into his own bed, the morning was not new. He was sound asleep in seconds. It felt like he had slept maybe ten whole minutes when his phone rang. The hideous, insistent ringer had his attention, but he was contemplating throwing the nuisance out the window.

  “What?” His voice sounded croaky, even to his own ears. His throat felt raw and sore.

  “Sheriff?” Rex was on duty.

  Tony mumbled, trying to stay asleep. “No. He’s gone far a way.”

  “Sir?” Rex sounded unsure who had answered the phone. “Is that you?”

  Tony groaned again and tried to clear what felt like a wadded-up sock from his throat. It hurt. Could the sock have razor blades in it? “Yes. I think it’s me.” He felt stupid and dizzy and couldn’t decide if he was hot or cold.

  “Are you coming in to your office?” Rex spoke with more confidence. “Our fearless prosecutor wants to talk to you about the Carpenter boys.”

  “Tell Archie I’ll take a quick shower and be right down.” Tony didn’t wait for a response, just disconnected and swung his feet off the bed and onto the floor as he sat up. He swayed when the room felt like it started to move. He stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the shower. A glance in the mirror was not reassuring. His eyes looked bleary and bright red where there was supposed to be white. Tony tried swallowing a glass of water, but the throat clog remained. His shower was brief, and he shaved quickly before pulling on a clean uniform. None of the normal routine seemed to be improving his overall condition.

  “Theo,” he croaked as he went downstairs. Daisy, the Golden Retriever, lifted her head from the sofa and wagged her plumed tail in a half-hearted greeting. She looked as tired as he felt and didn’t bother to leave the furniture. Theo and the kids were gone, so he received no sympathy before he left.

  The greeting from his staff was unenthusiastic. Mostly it consisted of, “You look awful,” or “Whatever bug you have, please don’t share it with me.”

  Ruth Ann pulled out a filter mask and a jumbo canister of disinfecting wipes. She did not express any sympathy for his condition. “I don’t have time to be sick.” She began wiping every surface she could reach.

 
Archie Campbell took one look at him and borrowed a wipe from Ruth Ann. He carefully cleaned his hands and the arms of the chair he was seated on. “If I’d known you were carrying the plague, I’d have insisted on a telephone conference.”

  Tony was not in the best mood, and their attitudes were not improving it. “Well I’m here now, and you’re here, so let’s do it.”

  “Okay.” Archie pulled out a sheaf of papers. “We can charge your body snatchers with breaking and entering and theft. I don’t know if you can place a value on a deceased person, but the coffin is expensive. The copper lining alone must have set the widow back a pretty penny.”

  Tony raised a hand to stop the torrent of words. His head was threatening to explode, and he could barely follow Archie’s quick explanation. It felt like the mucus in his nose was backing up into his ears. “Bobby snabbing?”

  Archie was silent, processing the question. “Oh, you mean body snatching? Is there such a law? Shouldn’t that man have been buried long ago?” His well-manicured fingers drummed on the chair arm. “I do know it is either illegal, or should be, to keep a human body or stuff one.”

  “Taxidermy?” Tony shuddered at what he considered a horrifying thought. “It was bad enough thinking he was embalmed. You think she stuffed him?”

  Ruth Ann knocked on the door frame. “I think you’d better take this call, Sheriff. It’s Mrs. Fairfield. She claims she has a confession to make.”

  “I can’t imagine what.” Tony held up a finger to keep Archie in place, and silent. “Mrs. Fairfield?”

  After a muffled sob, Mrs. Fairfield began, “Sheriff, I should tell you, I’ve been lying to you and to everyone else in town.”

  “How’s that, Mrs. Fairfield?” Tony forced himself to loosen but not release his grasp on the receiver. He wasn’t sure how much more of this case he could handle. Body snatching, midnight revels in an ancient cemetery, the idiocy that kept him out all night and was now rewarding him with a pounding headache and the feeling he could end up in the mucus hall of fame. His throat threatened to close completely.