I wanted to talk to her so badly when I picked her up after she ran away from me in the gym. I wanted to tell her that I’ve thought of nothing but her since I saw her, but I was too nervous—a new experience for me. I’m usually in total control.
When I came home and found her on my couch, saying my name, that’s what pushed me over the edge. The way my name sounded coming out of her sleeping mouth, it took all of my restraint to not rip her clothes off right there.
When I brought her to my bedroom, she wanted to hear me play and I couldn’t hide the emotion. For some reason, Claire just pulls a torrent of feelings out of me. When I finished playing I could see the effect it had on her. I could fucking taste the electricity between us, and it was just too much. Kissing her and touching her made me feel so much desire. She fell asleep in my arms as we talked on the fire escape and I felt like I could stay there with her forever. Being with her brought me peace—a feeling I’m always chasing after. I’ve tried to find that peace in music, in books, in girls. I haven’t felt it in so long. Not until Claire.
I text Lydia.
Where are you?
She writes back immediately.
Working in the studio.
I drive over to Withers Street where her studio co-op is. When I walk in, she turns to me, her face and canvas apron are covered in smudges of clay.
“Hey, brother.” She greets me and turns back to her work.
I remain at a distance, too fired up to get closer. “Lydia, what the fuck is your problem?”
She stops working, a metal sculpting tool in her hand held like a weapon. “Don’t start with me, Jason, it’s for her own good.”
“How do you know what’s good for her?”
“I know that it’s not you. She’s a sweet girl, Jason, she’s my friend and I’m not gonna let you fuck her and toss her like you do with every other girl.”
I don’t want to fight. I want to explain, so I lower my voice and relax my tense posture.
“It’s not like that this time Lydia. I feel something, for her.”
“You feel something? Really? Are you sure it’s not Little Jason who feels something for her?”
I smile at her ridiculous reference. “First of all, never use that nickname for a man’s anatomy. Second, I’m fucking serious Lydia. How could you make her promise not to see me? She thinks she’s being a bad friend to you. She feels like shit.”
“I’m trying to save her some heartache. I didn’t want to talk badly about you to her. I had to think of some way to keep you from hurting her. And I hate to break it to you, but when you break up with her, I will serve as nothing but a painful reminder of the hurt you caused.”
“You’re not a fortune teller Lydia. You can’t see how this is going to end.”
“I don’t need to be a fortune teller to know that she’s gonna follow you around like a puppy until you get bored of her. I’m not blind to the effect you have on girls. It’s not like I gave a fuck about Skye, but how long did that last, like ten days? I saw her Jason, she looks like death.”
“I’m telling you, this is different. She is different.”
“Different? She’s pretty special, Jason. Innocent. I don’t know. Listen, I love you more than anything and I want you to be happy, but I can’t watch this broken heart parade continue. I don’t want to bring this up because it hurts me too, but ever since mom died, you’re just…you’re disconnected. I know how close you were with her. I know it destroyed you. The only people you let inside are Ben and I. You barely speak to Dad. The only time I see anything real come out of you is when you play. Do you really want to drag Claire into this shit? Do you want to break her?”
“It’s not gonna be like that this time.”
“Yeah? Well, I’ll believe it when I see it.”
I walk home and grab a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black and a glass head to my bedroom. I grab my acoustic and step through the window, out onto the fire escape. My intention was never to hurt these girls, I don’t know, maybe it was. Maybe I was seeking some sort of revenge on the world. It certainly wasn’t all bad. I made them all feel serious pleasure…and then I dropped them. Lydia’s right. They mean nothing to me. All of them meant nothing.
But Claire is different. I just met her and I don’t want to be apart from her. It’s been like two days, and I can’t get enough of her. I finish my drink, light a cigarette, and sit back. I have lyrics pushing and pulling around in my head. I close my eyes contemplating what Lydia said.
I start to strum, finding a melody to fit the words that are forging their way into a song. When I finish writing, its dark out.
I get a text from Lydia.
Headed over to Pen party tonight…I’ll be with Kat and Claire.
I need a fucking shower. The hot water brings me out of my whiskey-induced fog. I let the water run through my hair, not bothering to wash it with shampoo. I grab the soap and wash my chest. My thoughts turn to Claire and I stroke my cock…
She’s here in the shower with me. I run my hands up her stomach, over her tits and tangle my fingers in her wet, dripping hair. I pull it and yank her head back to give me access to her neck. I kiss it as she rubs her body against me, digging her nails into my shoulders. I turn her around. I rub my hard cock against her ass and pull her hips toward me with one hand while sliding myself into her with the other. She gasps as I invade her sweet warmth. Her skin is soft and slick, her breath is quick and broken with whimpers. I slam into her again and again. She grasps at the walls and I push into her deeper and deeper, again and again. She curses and moans. I feel her squeeze as she comes…
I revel in the release I’ve needed. I towel off and dress in dark jeans and black converse. I pull on a short-sleeved, snug, white button-down shirt. I run my fingers through my short hair, put on a little bit of cologne, and sling my guitar case onto my back.
I text Ben.
You going to Pen tonight? Want to get a drink first?
He replies…
Yeah, I’m goin’. At Alexa’s with Alana now. Come here.
The night is clear and windy. I don’t feel like walking, so I drive over to Alexa’s. The familiar smells of old mop water and beer soaked wood floors hits me as I walk in. Alexa’s face lights up and I say hello. Ben’s playing pool with Alana. There are a couple of old regulars and some girls here, but otherwise the place is empty.
“Hey honey, how are ya tonight?” Alexa asks.
“I’m all right. Can I get a whiskey and a Bud?”
“You sure can. Ben’s been here for a while. He seems to be feeling no pain,” she smiles.
“I’ll keep an eye on him, don’t worry.”
I throw some money down on the bar and walk over to the pool table, past one of the regulars slurring some incoherent bullshit at a table of girls.
“What up?” Ben greets me, and Alana waves.
“Hey. I got next.” I knock my whiskey back and chase it with half the Bud.
“So what’s up bro? I saw your sister and Claire at the café on Bedford today.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Lydia looked pissed. I walked with Claire back to her place.”
My head snaps up. “You did, huh?” I can’t help that my eyes narrow. The thought of her spending time with any guy, even Ben, makes me crazy.
“Bro, when were you planning on talking to me about this? I’m not fucking blind.” He walks away to shoot at the eight ball, sinks it, and returns.
“I don’t want to get into this.”
“Don’t even try to play it off, Jason. You’re into her. I saw you kissing her, and I see how you look at each other.”
I run my hands through my hair and over my chin. “What do you want me to say? She’s fucking smokin’ hot. That Southern accent is so goddamned sexy. She’s cool. I don’t know. I just want to be with her. Lydia thinks I’m gonna break her heart. She’s pissed at me for getting anywhere near her.”
“Yeah, I figured that, but I think you should go after her, man
. She makes you smile, bro; it’s been a long fucking while since I saw you genuinely do that.”
“It’s been a long fucking while since I genuinely wanted to.”
“I’ll be right back, you want another beer?” he asks, and pats me on the shoulder.
“Yeah.”
I pound the rest of my drink. Ben heads to the bar and Alana heads to the bathroom. They’ve finished their game, so I stoop down and grab the stack of quarters off the pool table and put them into the slot. I grab the rack, walk to the other side of the table, and see that asshole drunk guy at the table of girls. They look uncomfortable. He’s got a trucker hat and a denim vest on, and his hair is graying. He looks to be around my dad’s age.
“Hey there, ladies. You want a little something to drink? You feelin’ thirsty?” he says, in a lame attempt to hit on them.
I walk over to the wall to pick out a cue and out of the corner of my eye I see the drunk asshole getting too close to one of them.
“You’re real pretty. You want to come over to my place for a drink? I’ll treat you real nice.”
He puts his hand on her and that’s about all I can take. I’m sexually frustrated and pissed off at the world and I’m not about to watch some douchebag harassing jailbait. I stalk toward him, pool stick in hand.
“Why don’t you back off? I don’t think these girls are interested.”
His head wobbles as he turns to look at me. “Why don’t you mind your business, you little shit?”
I step toward him, my face an inch from his. “Why don’t you go back to the bar and let these ladies be, before I fucking make you, fucker?”
He cocks his fist back and swings at me. I step out of the way, avoiding the weak blow. I spin around, swing my fist up, and catch him in the gut. He bends down in pain, but jerks his elbow backward and bashes it into my right eye. I stumble back and swing my cue stick, hitting him hard in the back. He slumps forward and crashes into a table. I launch myself at him, adrenaline pumping. I want to draw blood. I want to smash his fucking face.
Before I can get to him, my neck is ensnared in Ben’s forearm. “Chill out, Jay. He’s wasted. Let’s just get him outta here.”
Alexa approaches brandishing a baseball bat at the drunk. “Get the hell outta my place. I’m not gonna have you terrrorizin’ these kids. Go home and sleep it off.”
The prick gets up, mutters something unintelligible, and staggers to the door.
“Jason, honey, you’re bleedin’. Come here so I can fix ya up.” Alexa motions for me to step behind the bar.
“I’m fine.”
Ben releases me. I touch my fingers to my eye. It’s sore and I feel the blood oozing out of a cut on my eyebrow.
“You’re gonna have a shiner, dude,” Ben says.
He hands me my drink and I press the cold beer to my eye. One of the girls approaches me like a little bunny rabbit. “Um, that was really nice of you. Thanks for getting rid of that jerk. Is there any way we can repay you?”
“No. It’s nothing. Don’t mention it.”
“All right, well, let us know.” She walks away swaying her hips and her friends giggle upon her return.
Alana comes back from the bathroom. “What the hell happened? I left for two seconds and all hell broke loose.”
“Jason, being the gentleman that he is, defended those little ladies over there.”
“All right, well, finish your drinks and let’s get going. I’m not in the mood for any more drama,” she says, shaking her head.
I slam my beer back in two gulps and head to the bathroom to look at my eye. It’s swollen and there’s a dark bruise forming just underneath. The cut on the eyebrow is deep, but it stopped bleeding, so I won’t need stitches. There’s blood on my white shirt. I push through the bathroom door, take out my cigarettes, and place one between my lips. I leave it unlit and walk to the front where Ben and Alana are waiting.
“All right. I’m driving. Let’s go to Pen.”
Chapter Five
~Claire~
“I’m really sorry.” Kat covers her face and apologizes profusely after walking in on Jason and me making out.
My head is spinning. “It’s fine. Really, Kat.”
“So, are you guys together, or are you just hooking up? Do you not want to talk about it? Does Lydia know?”
“Lydia told me to lay off. I don’t know what’s going on. I mean, I like him. I don’t know. I just met him, but I think about him constantly. He’s just…” I shake my head. I can barely form a sentence after kissing and touching him.
I lie back on my bed and drape my forearm over my eyes, trying to come down from this high. He said he wanted me. Jason wants me. I’m dizzy just thinking about it. Just kissing him sent me into a frenzy. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we ever move further. Lydia is going to freak. I’m really messing this up. I sit up and force the thought out of my head.
Kat goes into Lydia’s room to get changed and I check my phone. No calls. No texts. Kat tries on absolutely everything in Lydia’s closet. After a half hour, she emerges in a torn Led Zepplin tour shirt and jean shorts.
“Come into the kitchen. I’m making us dinner.”
Kat reveals a little more about her past to me as she cooks. She’s from a small town in Pennsylvania and has always had an inclination toward the arts. She moved here three years ago, a transplant, like me. I try hard to pay attention, but my thoughts are elsewhere. I’m in suspense over what Jason and Lydia’s conversation must have been like. I check my phone again. No missed calls. No texts.
After some spaghetti and meatballs, I lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling, cellphone in hand. It vibrates and I nearly jump out of my skin. It’s Lydia.
“Hello?”
“Hey, what’s up? I’ll be home in ten. I’m bringing my friend Amber.”
“That’s cool. I invited this guy Tony from downstairs. You know him?”
“Yeah, he’s a sweetie. See you soon.”
“Okay, later.”
Nothing about Jason. I purge my nervous energy by checking my email, and read three from my mom. Then Lydia and Amber burst through the door. Lydia floats into the room with a huge grin on her tiny face. She hugs me and I force a smile, but I feel as if the floor has dropped out from under me. She couldn’t be this happy if Jason told her he wants me. He must have just given up. I hug her back, but it’s bittersweet.
Lydia introduces everyone. Amber seems like a bit of a tomboy, and she explains that she’s into photography.
“Hey, why aren’t you dressed yet?” Lydia asks. She flings open my closet and digs in. She throws out jeans that I never wear, brown riding boots, a leather belt, and a short-sleeved top that’s too low cut. She thrusts the clothes at me. “Here, this will look great on you.” She flashes me a smile and grabs a silk scarf out of my dresser and then walks out and drapes it over the living room lampshade. The room is instantly cast in a low, romantic light. She puts on music and sits with Kat on the couch.
“Claire, get dressed!” she shouts, and waves her hand at me.
I shut my door to dress in privacy. The jeans and top fit me like a second skin, even though there’s more of my cleavage on display than I’d like, but whatever makes Lydia happy. When I get back to the living room, I find that Tony and Kai have arrived. Kai’s much shorter than Tony—he’s Asian with dark hair and eyes. Tony introduces me, and Kai slaps Tony on the back as if he’s congratulating him.
The boys brought beer with them. Lydia pops them open with a lighter and passes them out. She changes the music and begins to dance around the room with her beer. Her energy is infectious and we all join her. Even though it feels silly, it’s fun at the same time. Tony is next to me, and I can’t help but notice he’s a good dancer.
We finish the beer, and Lydia tells me to bring a blanket as we leave for the party. I want to talk to her about what went on between her and Jason, but there are too many people around. I check my phone again, but there are no messages and
I’m disappointed.
Lydia leads us down past the residential area to the warehouses on Kent. There aren’t many streetlights and I trip on the cracked sidewalk.
Tony catches me. “Careful.”
“Yeah, I’m a klutz in broad daylight, so this is a little dangerous for me.”
He responds with a little chuckle. After winding through the streets for a few minutes we emerge at an old, graffiti-ridden building. It’s obvious that it’s not maintained. Lydia leads us through a back alley to a fire escape ladder
“Hope you’re not afraid of heights,” she says. “We climb from here.”
We wind up ladders and platforms until I question whether or not this is a good idea, but once we emerge above the rooftops and I see the view, I don’t feel nervous anymore. On the rooftop there are several cliques, creating little islands throughout the space. Lydia walks over to a group and returns with several red cups. She passes them out, and we make our way over to the line for the keg. Tony and I stand side-by-side behind Lydia, Kat, Amber, and Kai.
“Is Jason coming tonight?” Amber asks Lydia.
“I dunno.” Her curt tone ends that conversation.
I distract myself from my disappointment by talking to Tony. “So, is Kai your roommate?”
“Yeah.”
“He seems like a cool guy.”
“Yeah, he is.”
We take our turns pumping the keg and filling our cups from the tap. Lydia and the girls get caught up talking to some friends, so Tony, Kai, and I make our way back to my blanket. I sit down cross-legged, put my beer down on the roof, and light a cigarette.
“You look really pretty in that shirt, Claire.”
I know that Tony has said something, but the words are muffled. In the distance I see the unmistakably huge figure of Ben climbing onto the roof with Alana—and behind them is Jason. He’s wearing a white shirt and in the moonlight he looks like a fallen angel. The sight of him approaching is breathtaking, and I can see and think of nothing else.
A Flawed Heart Page 6
