Waiting

by Ha Jin

  From that night on, they slept in the same bed again. Many days in a row Manna had nightmares, which were bizarre and indecipherable. In one of them, she was on her way to a nunnery atop a mountain, carrying the twins on her back. It was a sunny day, the breeze sweet-scented, full of scattered blossoms. As she approached a reservoir, which she had to cross to reach the mountain, an old man in a conical bamboo hat was coming along the rocky dam from the opposite direction. From the distance she couldn’t see his face clearly, but his gait was so tottery that he didn’t look dangerous. The babies on her back were sleeping, exhausted by the heat, saliva dribbling from the corners of their opened mouths.

  As the man was coming closer, suddenly a gust of wind blew his hat off, revealing his face. It was Geng Yang! Manna was too shocked to shout or escape. He rushed over, grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, snatched the twins off her back, and ran away along the dam. She shouted while chasing him, “Give them back to me! Geng Yang, you can do anything to me if you give my babies back! I promise I’ll come to you if you let them go.” The babies were screaming and kicking their legs.

  Without turning his head, Geng Yang swerved and ran down the dam toward a sandy bar, his boots throwing up a thin mist of dust. She was gasping for breath, but went on pursuing him. Then she saw him put the twins each into a giant wooden shoe, which he pushed into the water. A wind came and blew the shoes away toward the center of the vast reservoir. He burst out laughing. “Now you lost your sons. See if you dare to report me again!”

  She collapsed on the ground, shouting, “I’ve never reported you. Please, please, I beg of you, have a heart, bring them back for me!”

  “No, they’re on their way to see the Dragon Emperor in the Water Palace, ha-ha-ha.”

  “Lin! Come and help me!” she called out.

  “That chicken can’t do a thing,” Geng Yang said.

  “Lin—come and save our children!” she yelled again. Still Lin was nowhere to be seen.

  At this moment Mai Dong, her first love, came out of the osier bushes on the bank and began capering about on the beach. He waved his hands and then clapped them above his head, chanting to her merrily, “You can’t have them back! You can’t have them back!” He was still in his mid-twenties, wearing the army uniform and a crew cut.

  She became murderous and picked up a few large cobblestones and threw them at Geng Yang and Mai Dong with all her might.

  “Ouch!” Lin yelled as Manna’s fist landed on his forehead. He pulled the lamp cord, and the blinding light woke her up. She kept rubbing her eyes.

  “Why hit me like that? Oh, my eyes—” Lin stopped, seeing his wife in tears, her face horror-stricken.

  “Sorry, sorry, I was having a terrible dream,” she said and turned aside. “I dreamed that we lost our children and couldn’t get them back.” She began sobbing while her arm covered the sleeping babies.

  Lin sighed. “Don’t think too much, darling.”

  “I won’t,” she said. “You go back to sleep now.”

  He turned off the light and soon resumed snoring softly. Meanwhile Manna’s eyes were wide open, watching the clouds being torn to strips by the bare branches waving outside the window. She was wondering why Lin hadn’t appeared in her dream, whereas Mai Dong had turned up and ridiculed her so maliciously. What does this mean? she asked herself. Why didn’t Lin come to our rescue? Where was he? Is he really too timid to fight to protect us? Why was Mai Dong as mean as that bastard Geng Yang?

  Question after question rose to her mind, but she couldn’t answer any of them. Her thoughts were in disorder.

  Outside, the moon was pale, wavering beyond the dark treetops. The wind was howling and reminded her of the wolves she had often heard at night when she was a child in the orphanage.

  11

  Manna’s heart grew weaker, her pulse more irregular and sometimes thready. Severe pains occurred in her chest and left arm, and at nightfall she would feel dizzy and short of breath. Her heart murmur often turned into a gallop rhythm. The results of a new examination shocked Doctor Yao, an expert in cardiopathy. One afternoon, holding Manna’s X-ray against a desk lamp in his office, Doctor Yao told Lin, “Medication may not help her anymore. I’m afraid she doesn’t have many years left. Heaven knows why her condition has deteriorated so rapidly.”

  Hearing the prognosis, Lin almost broke into tears. He said in a choked voice, “Why—why did I let this happen? I’m a doctor, why didn’t I detect the real condition of her heart?” He covered his face with both hands.

  “Lin, don’t blame yourself. We all knew she had a heart problem, but we didn’t expect infarction would develop so soon. Some of her coronary vessels must have been blocked long ago.”

  “Oh, I should have known this. I told her not to eat too many eggs, but she wouldn’t listen.” Lin struck his knee with his fist.

  Doctor Yao sighed. “I wish we had diagnosed it.”

  “So there’s no cure?”

  “I’ve heard some experts in Europe can dilate the coronary arteries, but the technology is not available in our country.”

  “What should I do?”

  “Lin, I’m sorry.” Doctor Yao held Lin’s upper arm and shook it gently, meaning he had no idea either. “But you must not be too emotional. Cheer up a little—she depends on you.” He paused for a moment while Lin rubbed his stomach with the palm of his hand as though assuaging a pain. Doctor Yao went on, “Don’t let her do any physical work, don’t make her lose her temper, just make life easy for her.”

  Lin lowered his head and muttered, “I’ll try my best.”

  “If I were you, I wouldn’t tell her about her heart condition, just keep her happy.”

  “I won’t let her know, of course.”

  Despite Lin’s effort to guard the secret, word of Manna’s illness soon began circulating in the hospital. The rumor went wild and even claimed that she would definitely die within a year. In a few weeks Manna heard about the true condition of her heart, but she took it with surprising serenity, saying to Lin that she knew her life would be over soon. Her words distressed him.

  As she got weaker, her temper became worse. She often yelled at Juli and Lin; sometimes she cried for no apparent reason, like a self-willed child.

  Lin tried to do as much housework as he could. He washed diapers on weekends when Juli didn’t come to work. In midwinter the tap water was ice cold. His hands ached and itched while he scrubbed at the faucet in front of the house. He had never expected that washing laundry would be a part of his married life. Throughout those years before the marriage, he had washed only his socks and underwear since Manna did his laundry for him. Now, a pile of diapers would be waiting for him every weekend. He dared not complain or think too much, for things could be worse. In spite of all the difficulties, they could afford to hire a maid and he didn’t have to wash laundry on weekdays.

  On Saturday evenings he would carry out to the faucet a load of baby clothes and diapers and a kettle of hot water, which he would pour over two or three fistfuls of soap powder, and then he would soak the laundry in the suds for a moment. Under the mercury street lamp, the water would glisten in the large basin. Through the loudspeaker atop the roof of the medical building, a soft female voice often sang “A Large River Long and Wide” and “The Five-Starred Red Flag Flies High.” Lin would set the washboard against the rim of the sink and start scrubbing the laundry piece by piece with a squishing sound. Soon the detergent water lost its suds and turned cold, and he had to blow on his fingers again and again in order to continue. The toughest part was to rinse the soaped, scrubbed laundry, because there was no hot water available after the initial soak and the tap water was so cold it seemed to bite his fingers with teeth. Yet he kept washing quietly and always avoided greeting those who came to fetch water.

  People noticed that Lin’s face had grown bony, his cheeks more prominent now. His trousers became baggy on him. Commissar Su’s wife would tell her neighbors, “Lin Kong has lost his hips. It�
��s heaven’s retribution, serves him right. See who dares to abandon his wife again.” Whenever she saw Lin, she would glower at him, spit to the ground, and stamp her feet. He ignored her as though he hadn’t heard or seen her. But unlike the crazy woman, his colleagues had stopped joking about him; instead they would shake their heads behind his back.

  He was grateful that Hua often came on weekends. She sometimes helped him with the laundry and looked after the babies. She liked feeding them with only one nursing bottle, which made them compete to suck it and crow with pleasure. They would laugh and put out their fat little hands whenever she teased them, calling them “my little precious” while pressing her chin against their chests. She had made them each a bunny hat with frills. By now Manna had become friendly to Hua and had even bought her a pink cardigan. She once told Lin that if only she could have had a daughter like Hua.

  After a long sick leave, Manna returned to the Medical Ward. She could work only half a day, but she was paid a full salary. She spent afternoons at home.

  One Sunday morning in January, Lin was cooking rice for lunch. While the pot was boiling, he set out for the mess hall to buy a dish. The previous evening, he had seen a notice on the small blackboard at the entrance to the kitchen, saying there would be beef and fried potato for lunch, seventy fen a helping. On his way there he ran into Commissar Su. They talked for a while about initiating a crash program for training paramedics from the local counties the next spring. The prefecture’s Department of Public Health had just asked the army hospital for help and was willing to finance the program. This meant the hospital’s staff would receive a larger bonus at the end of next year.

  Because of the talk, Lin forgot the rice boiling at home. When he got back with a bowl of potato and beef, the kitchen was white with smoke. He rushed to the cooking range, put the bowl down, and removed the pot. The second he opened the lid a wave of steam clouded his glasses and made him unable to see anything. After wiping the lenses with the end of his jacket and putting the glasses back on, he saw that the rice was already burned through. He picked up an iron scoop and was about to put a little water into the pot when Manna came into the kitchen, coughing and buttoning her jacket. “Put a scallion into the pot, quick!” she shouted.

  Lin planted a scallion stalk into the rice to get rid of the burned smell, but it was too late, a good part of the rice was already brown. He pushed the transom open to let the smoke out.

  Suddenly Manna yelled at him, “Why did you leave while the rice pot was boiling? You can’t even cook such a simple thing, idiot.”

  “I—I went to buy a dish. You were home, why couldn’t you keep an eye on it?”

  “You didn’t tell me, did you? Besides, I’m too sick to cook. Don’t you know that?” With her fingertips holding the cuff of her sleeve, she swept the pot and the bowl off the cooking range; they crashed to the cement floor; beef and potato cubes and smoking rice were scattered about. The aluminum lid of the pot rolled away and hit the threshold, where it came to rest, leaning upright against two bricks piled together as a doorstop.

  “Even pigs won’t touch this,” she added.

  From inside the bedroom Lake broke out crying, then screamed at the top of his lungs. A few seconds later River started bawling too. Manna hurried back in to calm them. Without tending to the stove or cleaning up, Lin turned and stormed out. His green mittens, connected by a string, flapped wildly beside his flanks as he strode away. “I hate her! I hate her!” he said to himself.

  He went to the hill behind the hospital grounds. It was a cold day. The orchard on the slope was deserted, the apple-pear trees thick and bulky, their frosty branches sprawling and looking feathery. For a while he couldn’t think of anything, his skull numb and his temples tight. He climbed toward the hilltop, which was covered by snow except for two clusters of brownish rocks. Beyond the hill, on the riverbank, there was a village that had a deer farm and a boat house, which Lin for some reason wanted to watch from the crown of the hill. The scent of winter was clean and intense. It was windless, and the sun was glinting on the boulders here and there and on the tree trunks crusted with ice. In the distance a flock of rooks were circling and cawing hungrily.

  As Lin calmed down, a voice rose in his head and said, Do you really hate her?

  He made no reply.

  The voice continued, You asked for this mess. Why did you marry her?

  I love her, he answered.

  You married her for love? You really loved her?

  He thought a while, then managed to answer, I think so. We waited eighteen years for each other, didn’t we? Doesn’t such a long time prove we love each other?

  No, time may prove nothing. Actually you never loved her. You just had a crush on her, which you didn’t get a chance to outgrow or to develop into love.

  What? A crush! He was taken aback and paused in his tracks. His sinuses became congested.

  Yes, you mistook your crush for love. You didn’t know what love was like. In fact you waited eighteen years just for the sake of waiting. You could have waited that long for another woman too, couldn’t you?

  I waited for Manna only. There wasn’t another woman involved.

  All right, there were only the two of you. Let’s assume you and she loved each other. Were you sure that you both would enjoy living together as husband and wife?

  We really loved each other, didn’t we? Lin’s temples were throbbing, and he took off his hat so that the cold air could cool his head.

  Really? the voice resumed. What do you know about love? Did you know her well enough before you married her? Were you sure she was the woman you’d spend the rest of your life with? Be honest now, among all the women you’ve known, who are you most fond of? Isn’t there someone else who is more suitable for you than Manna?

  I can’t tell. Besides her there’s only Shuyu in my life. How could I compare Manna with someone else? I don’t know much about women, although I wish I did.

  Suddenly he felt his head expanding with a shooting pain. He was giddy with the intuition that this marriage might not be what he had wanted. He sat down on a rock to catch his breath and think more.

  The voice went on, Yes, you waited so many years, but for what?

  He found his mind blank and couldn’t answer. The question frightened him, because it implied that all those years he had waited for something wrong.

  Let me tell you what really happened, the voice said. All those years you waited torpidly, like a sleepwalker, pulled and pushed about by others’ opinions, by external pressure, by your illusions, by the official rules you internalized. You were misled by your own frustration and passivity, believing that what you were not allowed to have was what your heart was destined to embrace.

  Lin was stunned. For a moment he was at a loss for words. Then he began cursing himself. Fool, eighteen years you waited without knowing for what! Eighteen years, the prime of your life, gone, wasted, and they led you to this damn marriage. You’re a model fool!

  What’s to be done now? the voice asked.

  He heaved a deep sigh, not knowing what to do or whether he should try to do something. Tears were sliding down his cheeks and reached the corners of his mouth; time and again he raised his hand to wipe them off. His ears were freezing, so he put the fur hat back on and turned down its earflaps.

  Then the image of Manna in her late twenties emerged in his mind. She had a vivacious face smiling radiantly; on her palm perched a tiny green frog, its mouth quivering. A few sky-blue dragonflies were flying around her, their wings issuing a whirring sound. As Lin stretched out his hand to touch the frog’s back, it jumped and plopped into the limpid stream flowing along the edge of an eggplant field. She turned and looked at him, her eyes dim with affection and kindness, as though full of secrets that she was eager to share with him. The end of her loose hair was thrown up a little by the warm breeze, revealing the silky nape of her neck. How different she was now from then! He realized that the long waiting must have changed her
profoundly—from a pleasant young woman into a hopeless spitfire. No matter how he felt about her now, he was certain she had always loved him. Perhaps it was the unrequited love that had dragged her down. Or perhaps it was the suffering and despondency she had experienced in the long waiting that had dissolved her gentle nature, worn away her hopes, ruined her health, poisoned her heart, and doomed her.

  The voice interrupted his thoughts. Yes, she has loved you. But isn’t it this marriage that has been debilitating her?

  He tried to answer, She wanted a family and children, didn’t she? She must have been starved for human warmth and affection, any bit of which she might have taken as love. Yes, she’s been blind to the true situation, always believing I loved her. She doesn’t know what a true lover is like.

  His heart began aching. It dawned on him that he had never loved a woman wholeheartedly and that he had always been the loved one. This must have been the reason why he knew so little about love and women. In other words, emotionally he hadn’t grown up. His instinct and ability to love passionately had withered away before they had had an opportunity to blossom. If only he had fallen in love soulfully just once in his life, even though it might have broken his heart, paralyzed his mind, made him live in a daze, bathed his face in tears, and drowned him in despair!

  What are you going to do? the voice kept on.

  He could not think of an answer. Being a husband and a father, he felt he ought to carry out the responsibilities imposed on him by his marriage. What else could he do to alleviate his sense of guilt and convince himself that he was a decent man? What else could he do other than to endure?

  He sighed. If only he had had enough passion and energy left in him so that he could learn how to love devotedly and start his life afresh. If only Manna were healthy and not dying. He was too old to take any action now. His heart was weary. He only hoped that before his wife died their sons would be old enough for kindergarten.