by Beth Wiseman
“You haven’t said a word the entire ride.” He stepped out of the buggy to secure the horse.
“I was thinking about what to say to Noah,” Rebecca said as she caught up to him.
“Well, did you come up with anything?” Paul gave Daisy Mae a scratch behind her ears. It was a girlie name for a horse, but he’d gotten her for a good price, and she never let him down, even when he got caught in a snowstorm two years ago. She plowed through it and got them both home safely. He probably needed to retire the old girl, but he wasn’t ready, and he didn’t think she was either. He nuzzled her nose with his. “Be back soon.”
He turned just in time to see Rebecca roll her eyes. “I think you love that horse more than you’ve loved any of your girlfriends.”
Paul chuckled as he walked toward the building. “That’s because Daisy Mae doesn’t get jealous, doesn’t argue, and doesn’t demand an unreasonable amount of attention.”
Rebecca pulled on Paul’s shirt and forced him to slow his stride. In a few more feet, they’d pass by the glass window of the hardware store. “I don’t know what I’m going to say,” she said, tugging on his shirt until they were stopped inches away from the window.
Paul had never been on the receiving end of a breakup, but he tried to recall some of the questions he’d been asked when he ended a relationship. “Just ask him what happened to cause him to change his mind.”
“I already did.”
“Ask him again.” Paul looked her in the eyes. “But be prepared for an answer that might hurt more than not knowing.”
He hoped that wouldn’t be the case for his sister, but he could still remember Annie Byler pushing him for a reason after he’d broken up with her. She wouldn’t let it go, so Paul finally told her he loved her, but not enough to spend the rest of his life with her. It was only a partial version of the truth, but Annie was a great girl, and the expression on her face at that moment had haunted him for years. Now Annie was happily married. And Rebecca would find someone else, too, if Noah really had changed his mind.
“Maybe it’s not me.” Rebecca still wasn’t moving forward. “Maybe he just doesn’t want to be baptized into the faith. Maybe he loves me but doesn’t want to remain Amish.”
Paul tipped back his straw hat and scratched his forehead. “Did he ask you not to be baptized and to run away with him somewhere?”
“Nee.”
Paul raised an eyebrow and let that sink in for Becky, mentally reminding himself to stop calling her that.
Rebecca squeezed her eyes closed. “I think I’ve changed mei mind. I should give him some time. I’ll look desperate if I bother him at work.”
You are desperate. And Paul couldn’t really blame her. Noah had been his sister’s only true love. Part of him wanted to go in the store and give Noah a piece of his mind, but that wouldn’t help Rebecca’s cause. “Well, I need two hinges to fix the gate, so I’ll run in and get them if you want to wait here. It’s on that list of yours. Maybe Noah will open up to me.”
Rebecca’s bottom lip trembled, and Paul could have kicked himself. “I’m sure all those repairs need to be made,” she said in a shaky voice. “But there doesn’t seem to be an urgency anymore.”
Paul sighed. “Go wait in the buggy. I’ll run in and get the hinges. I’ll let you know if Noah says anything.”
Rebecca tucked her chin, nodded, and shuffled back to the buggy.
Sighing again, he walked toward the front door but slowed his step as he passed the window and looked in.
What in the world?
Shocked, his heart pounding in his chest, he scrambled backward until he wasn’t visible. He waited a couple seconds, then inched his head forward until he could see Noah and the woman again. His sister hadn’t even considered that maybe Noah had fallen for someone else. But when he saw Noah wrap his arms around the woman and pull her close to him, Paul’s eyes widened. Then Noah kissed her. The way they were standing, Paul couldn’t tell if the kiss was directly on the mouth or nearby on her cheek. Either way, he’d kissed her. Had Noah been cheating on Rebecca? Or did he break up the day before so he could be with someone else now? Did it even matter?
And by the looks of her jeans and long blond hair, she was Englisch.
Paul tried to pull his eyes away, but his pulse picked up when he recognized the familiar stance of the woman and the way her hair fell to her waist, just curling at the ends. The hug seemed to go on forever, but when Paul finally saw the woman’s face, he grew weak in the knees and rushed back to the buggy.
“Oh no. Oh no.” Rebecca brought her hands to her chest. “That was fast. What happened? What did he say? Did you even get the hinges? What happened?”
Paul didn’t want to lie to his sister, but he needed time to process what he’d just seen. “Noah was busy with someone, and I feel sick to my stomach all of a sudden. I think I need to head back to the house.”
“Ya, okay. Do you want me to drive the buggy?”
He shook his head. “Nee. Sorry about this.”
“You probably ate too many of Mamm’s cinnamon rolls. They’re so good, but they are very rich. I got a stomachache from eating too many one time.”
Paul nodded and tried to lose the image of McKenna and Noah. His McKenna. The woman he hadn’t told anyone about. The woman he really and truly had fallen in love with the moment he laid eyes on her at the library a few months ago.
CHAPTER 5
McKenna wiggled out of Noah’s embrace, tried to smile, and attempted to swallow back her shock. It hadn’t been a “Hi, how are you?” hug. It was more like an “I’ve missed you so much” hug, one that would have gone on forever if she hadn’t ended it. And she wasn’t sure if the kiss on the cheek had been intended for her mouth. She turned her head when she sensed it coming.
Noah picked up his straw hat from the tile floor. He moved toward her, and McKenna tensed but resisted the urge to take a step backward.
“It’s so gut to see you. I realized after the party that I didn’t get your phone number, so I asked Gavin to make sure Penny got my number to you.”
McKenna took a deep breath. “Um, yeah. She did. But I decided to just stop by.”
Penny was right. Noah had taken a hug and simple peck on the cheek way out of context. Now McKenna wished she’d just called him. The Amish weren’t fond of public affection. She especially knew that from the time she’d spent with Paul. McKenna and Paul had spent hours together talking, and only recently had he hugged her good-bye when they were out of sight from people in the library. A few times they met at the market in Bird-in-Hand, but there were too many people around, and it wasn’t really a good place to talk. Outside wasn’t a good option either because the temperatures hadn’t cooled down enough to get rid of the mosquitos. But even when they’d been alone, Paul hadn’t so much as held her hand. Noah seemed to be acting very out of character for an Amish man.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the party.” Noah smiled as he waved a hand around the store. “It’s Gavin’s day to get off early, and the cashier wasn’t feeling gut, so I’ve been running the place by myself. I guess I just took advantage of the opportunity to give you a hug.”
McKenna took a deep breath. Noah had been such a sweetheart at the party, and he was a really nice guy. She searched for words that wouldn’t hurt him but would make it clear she didn’t have any romantic interest in him.
“Listen, Noah . . .”
She paused when a muscle twitched along his jaw, and his expression grew sober. “I’m sorry. The hug was too forward. I was just surprised to see you, and happy.”
His soul-searching dark eyes seemed to beg for forgiveness. McKenna recognized that expression. She’d seen it plenty of times on her mother’s face. “It’s okay. But . . .” She still couldn’t think of a way to tame any feelings he might think he had for her.
He grinned a little. “Ya, I moved way too fast. We haven’t even had a first date.”
McKenna’s jaw dr
opped. She decided a partial version of the truth was going to be the easiest for Noah to handle. “I’m seeing someone. I can’t go out with you.” She wasn’t sure if meeting Paul at the library and market constituted dating, but it seemed less cruel than saying she wasn’t interested in Noah romantically. She raised her chin and pressed her lips together, even though she was trembling on the inside.
“Oh.” Noah rubbed his chin as his face turned red. “I-I didn’t know that. You didn’t mention it at the party.”
McKenna set her purse on the counter nearby and sighed. “I know we didn’t talk about your fiancée much, mostly about your way of life, my way of life, and how different our lives are. But . . .” She raised a hand to her chest. “Penny told me you broke up with your girlfriend. Is that true?”
His eyebrows drew in as creases deepened across his forehead. Noah was still sporting a tan in September. She knew the Amish worked hard in the fields, but for a nineteen-year-old, the effects of too much time in the sun were already showing. Even his eyes had tiny lines beginning to feather from the corners.
Paul worked outdoors a lot, too, but McKenna couldn’t recall if there was even the tiniest wrinkle on his face. Probably because it didn’t matter. For once in her life, she’d fallen for what was inside a guy, not just his outer good looks, which Paul just happened to have as well.
“Ya, I broke off our engagement.” Noah gazed over McKenna’s shoulder, seemingly lost in memories or regrets as his face grew somber. “There wasn’t an easy way to do it, and I’m sure she’s heartbroken.”
“Why did you do it?” McKenna held her breath. “Please say it didn’t have anything to do with me.”
He locked eyes with hers. “It had everything to do with you.”
McKenna blinked in disbelief, afraid she might cry.
“That didn’t come out the way I meant it to. What I meant to say is that if I’m attracted to someone else, how can I marry Rebecca?” He shook his head. “It wouldn’t be right.”
McKenna felt a bit of relief and took a deep breath. “Have you ever had a girlfriend before Rebecca?”
“Ach, ya, a couple.” Noah looked away as he scratched his chin. The Amish weren’t supposed to lie, but McKenna wasn’t sure she believed him. “No one as special as Rebecca.” His face lit up a little, and McKenna was hopeful.
“Noah.” She spoke gently. “We are all attracted to people physically from time to time, but it’s what is on the inside that truly sparks a flame. And you don’t know me at all.” Or the baggage I come with. She hadn’t even told Paul about her mother, and she’d told him things she’d never told anyone.
Noah took off his hat and set it on the counter by McKenna’s purse, then ran a hand through his dark hair, sighing, before he looked at her. “McKenna, I think you are beautiful, and from what I saw at the party, you’re beautiful on the inside too.”
McKenna opened her mouth to reiterate that he didn’t know her, but Noah held up a hand, signaling he had more to say. “But my breaking up with Rebecca wasn’t only because of you, so please don’t feel guilty. I shouldn’t have said that the breakup had everything to do with you. There was more to it than that.”
“Like what?” More relief washed over her, but somewhere there was a girl she didn’t know who was heartbroken.
He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the counter. “I am supposed to be baptized in a few weeks, and that is a lifelong commitment that we take very seriously.”
“I know.” She shifted her weight and mirrored his stance, crossing her arms over her chest. “And I know you have to get baptized before you can get married, right?”
Noah nodded. “I love Rebecca, but sometimes I feel like I’d be more suited to the Englisch life, and I’m not going to ask her to leave a life she loves.”
Without thinking, McKenna gave Noah a few gentle pokes on the chest. “More suited to the Englisch life? Are you kidding me? You went to one party, had some beer at a swanky house, and now, all of a sudden you’re ready to live like that?”
Noah grinned. “I’ve been in my rumschpringe for three years. That wasn’t my first party. I hadn’t been to anything that fancy, but I’ve hung out with Englischers off and on since I was sixteen. But it’s more than that.” He shook his head. “It has to do with my faith, and you wouldn’t understand.”
McKenna frowned. “I grew up in a home without faith, and I’ve worked very hard the past few years to have a good relationship with God.” Although she was disappointed in herself for drinking at Penny’s party and wondered if she’d let God down. “I don’t think you should say I wouldn’t understand.”
He cringed. “I’m sorry. You’re right. That was one subject we didn’t talk about at the party.” The hint of a smile lit his face, quickly replaced with another sour expression. “Maybe I was kind of using you as an excuse to get out of baptism and marriage.”
McKenna raised an eyebrow as she tapped a foot up and down. “Gee, just what every girl wants to hear.”
Noah chuckled, which was nice amid the tension. McKenna dropped her arms to her sides and relaxed a little.
“I was super glad to see you when you walked in. I guess I just really enjoyed our talk, and there’s no denying you’re very pretty. But I wish you well with your boyfriend.”
McKenna picked up her purse and slung it over her shoulder. “Aw, thanks. And this guy isn’t exactly my boyfriend, but I’m hoping he will be one day. Right now we spend a lot of time together.” She didn’t see how she and Paul could ever be a couple, but the vision still strolled into her mind often. For now the possibility of it was what Noah needed to hear to help him make long-lasting decisions without an infatuation dictating his actions.
He smiled broadly. “Your face lights up when you talk about him. Anyone I know?”
“I doubt it.” McKenna and Paul hadn’t exchanged last names, which seemed a bit odd now that she thought about it. But it was almost like an unspoken rule to keep a little distance between them. It would be embarrassing to admit to Noah that she didn’t know Paul’s last name—a guy she just said she hoped to have as a boyfriend. And that wasn’t a lie. If only things were different.
Paul was a common Amish name in Lancaster County. There were probably dozens in Paradise and Bird-in-Hand alone. But she didn’t want to chance anyone finding out about their secret meetings, mostly at the library. She wanted to get off the subject and get home. She’d been nearly sick all the way to the hardware store. She felt a little better now but needed to say one last thing to Noah.
“Think long and hard before you choose to give up Rebecca. And think even harder about giving up your faith. It’s all that’s kept me going at times.” McKenna thought about the inner peace she struggled to maintain each day she lived with her mother. From the moment she opened her heart to the Lord, things had begun to change. She felt a peacefulness she hadn’t known and had a best friend to whom she could tell anything without being judged. Even though she didn’t understand why God hadn’t helped her mother.
“I’ll never give up my faith. It’s how I choose to practice it that has me confused.”
McKenna stared at Noah for a moment, trying to read his expression, which looked as muddled as his comments about his faith. She wondered if maybe he was more grounded in his religious beliefs than he wanted to admit right now. Maybe he was saving face in front of her, downplaying a temporary infatuation by questioning his faith. Or had this fairly insignificant event caused him such disappointment in himself that he wondered if his Amish life was right for him? If God would forgive him?
She smiled. “I’m going to pray for you, Noah, but just remember that God forgives every mistake we make, even when we question our motives. Don’t let a little slipup derail you from your plans.”
Noah lowered his eyes for a few moments, and McKenna felt like maybe she’d hit the nail on the head about him wanting to save face a little. When he looked back at her, his shy smile said she might be right. “Dan
ki for saying that. I hope things work out with your friend too. Is there anything I can pray for you specifically?”
McKenna’s prayer list was especially long these days, but she wasn’t going to burden him with anything but the need at the top of her list. “Yes, there is. Can you pray for my mom?”
“Ya, sure. Is she sick?”
McKenna swallowed hard. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” Even Penny didn’t know about McKenna’s mother, just that she slept a lot. Too much to hold down a job. But McKenna tried to count her blessings. Without her grandmother’s inheritance, she and her mother would have starved a long time ago. The money paid the mortgage, they always had food, and McKenna earned enough at her part-time job to pay for a few college classes over the summer. Her mother controlled the household expenses, and a large chunk of the budget went toward her pills. McKenna was looking for a full-time job now, hoping she could take some classes in the evenings.
“I’ll pray for your mother.” Noah smiled. “And for you.”
“Thanks. And I’ll pray that you feel peace about the decisions you’re making and that you’ll make the right ones.”
Noah stuck out his hand. “Friends?”
McKenna shook his hand and gave him a taut nod, grinning. “Friends.” This time she withstood the temptation to give him a hug or kiss.
She doubted she’d ever see Noah again. Unless they both ended up at another party together, which seemed unlikely. McKenna was done with parties. They were always the same, everyone drinking, smoking, and making idiots of themselves half the time. She’d been guilty of all that in her early teens, but watching her mother sinking further and further into an abyss over the past couple of years had caused her to rethink her life. And her time with Paul had also influenced her goals. She wasn’t ever going to be Amish, but she craved the peacefulness that went along with the Amish lifestyle.
