Sam Hannigan's Woof Week

by Alan Nolan

  The whole way to school, Bruno tried to shoo Sam away – he didn’t want to be seen walking with a dog. He even threw a couple of sticks into the road, shouting ‘FETCH!’ Although she was secretly quite tempted to run after the sticks, Sam was definitely not amused. She walked on her hind legs with her front paws crossed in front of her and growled in Bruno’s direction. Bruno got the message and marched on ahead, still snickering softly to himself.

  At the corner of School Road, Ajay was waiting for her, as usual. They always walked the last bit together, but this time he was looking hard at his watch. ‘Cutting it fine, Sam,’ he said, stating the obvious. ‘We’d better hurry up or we’ll be late!’

  They were the last people in through the gates as Ogg, the huge but friendly school caretaker, was closing them. ‘Good morning, children. Hurry along, the second bell has gone,’ he said in his deep bass voice. ‘Sam Hannigan, you look different. Have you done something to your hair?’

  ‘It’s a costume!’ said Sam. ‘I’m dressed up as a dog to collect money for charity!’ She hated lying to Ogg. Everybody at St Gobnet’s loved Ogg. He looked like a biker mixed with a yeti, with his long hair, huge monobrow, whiskery chin and massive, muscly arms, but he was the kindest, gentlest (and biggest) man any of the kids knew.

  ‘Ahhh,’ said Ogg, ‘a dog costume. That’ll be it.’

  As Sam and Ajay walked off, Ogg sniffed the air with his mammoth-sized nose. Hmm, he thought. If that’s a dog costume, then my granny’s a Neanderthal.

  Ms Sniffles was taking the roll as Sam and Ajay walked into the classroom. The whole class gasped when they saw Sam. Martha Maguire turned to Abbie Cuffe in the seat behind her. ‘I told you, Abbie, didn’t I?’ Abbie nodded, dumb-stuck and staring at Sam.

  ‘Sam Hannigan,’ said Ms Sniffles in her squeaky voice, putting the roll down and grabbing a tissue from the box on her table. She blew her nose noisily and continued, ‘Why are you dressed like that?’

  ‘It’s a costume,’ said Sam. ‘I’m dressed up as a dog to collect money for charity.’

  ‘Yes,’ chipped in Ajay, ‘Sam has to dress as a dog for four days to raise money for Doggie Dinners!’

  ‘Dinners for Dogs,’ said Sam. They really had to decide what this charity was called. They also had to decide what to do with all the money they had been given at the Irish dance competition. It was still all stuffed into Ajay’s accordion case. They hadn’t counted it, but it looked like a lot. ‘It’s a new charity that feeds abandoned dogs and gives them a home.’ Sam would have loved if that were true. She loved dogs and hated to see them mistreated or hungry. As well as that, now she actually was a dog, she felt she knew what most dogs go through – she seemed to be hungry now the whole time herself!

  ‘Well,’ said Ms Sniffles, ‘I think that is a lovely idea.’ The teacher was a dog lover too, although she was a bit allergic – they always made her sneeze. She took a ten-euro note out of her purse and handed it (and a crumpled tissue, by mistake) to Sam. Sam gave it (and the dirty tissue) to Ajay, who pocketed the tenner and threw the tissue in the bin. Ew.

  ‘How long is your sponsored dress-up going on for?’ aked Ms Sniffles.

  ‘Until Wednesday, fingers crossed,’ said Sam. Fingers crossed was right. Hopefully the Brain Swap 3000 would be up and running by Wednesday – otherwise she might end up being a dog forever!

  ‘Did you hear that, children?’ said Ms Sniffles, coughing a little. ‘If anybody wants to bring in money to sponsor Sam, you can do it tomorrow. Be generous now, it sounds like a great cause.’

  Ajay and Sam smiled weakly at the class and took their seats. Sam’s tail stuck out the back of her tracksuit and Martha pointed at it, whispering quietly to Abbie.

  After little break, Ms Hennigan, the school’s headmistress, came into the classroom. ‘Sam Hannigan,’ she said brightly, ‘oh, you look magnificent! What a costume!’

  Ms Hennigan sat down on the edge of Ms Sniffles’s desk. ‘Great news, Sam. Ms Sniffles was telling me all about Dinners for Dogs.’

  ‘Doggie Dinners,’ corrected Sam.

  Ms Hennigan smiled broadly. ‘Well, I have an old friend who works at the radio station – you know, Clobberstown FM – and she’s arranged for you to go live on air to talk about your brilliant charity work!’

  Sam went pale under her fur. ‘On air? You mean, talk live on the radio?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ms Hennigan, springing off the desk and checking her watch. ‘Come down to my office where it’s quieter. You’re on in three minutes!’

  Sam didn’t have a choice; she and Ajay walked down the corridor with Ms Hennigan leading the way. ‘We’re so proud of you, Sam – what a brave thing to do, to dress up as a dog for four whole days!’

  As soon as Sam sat down in the comfy chair reserved for the parents of troublesome children, Ms Hennigan thrust a phone into her paw. ‘Here you go, Sam,’ she whispered. ‘You’re on air! Be magnificent!’ She took out her own smartphone and started filming.

  Sam spoke into the phone. ‘Hello?’

  ‘HELLO! This is DJ Liz Anya on Clobberstown FM, broadcasting all over the Clobberstown, Clontipper and Cairnbrook areas, and I’m talking this morning with Sam Hannigan from Clobberstown, who is dressing up like a DOG full-time for four days to raise awareness and money for a charity that is very close to my heart, in fact it’s one of my all-time favourites, Dinners for Dogs!’

  ‘Doggie Dinners,’ said Sam quietly.

  ‘That’s right,’ said DJ Liz Anya, ‘Now, Sam, tell us all about Dinners for Dogs and what you’re doing to raise money.’

  ‘Well,’ said Sam, ‘I’m dressing up as a dog full-time for four days to raise awareness and money for, em, Doggie Dinners.’

  ‘Yeeeessss,’ said DJ Liz Anya. Sam could tell she wanted her to keep going.

  ‘Em, okay, Doggie Dinners, I mean Dinners for Dogs, is all about caring for stray dogs, taking them in, giving them a home, feeding them, and … that kind of stuff.’

  ‘Yeeeessss,’ said DJ Liz Anya.

  Sam kept going. ‘The ultimate aim of Doggie, em, Dinners for Dogs, is to set up an animal sanctuary, not just for poor abandoned dogs but for all kinds of animals – cats, sheep, ponies, monkeys, zebras–’

  ‘Spiders,’ said Ajay.

  ‘Yes!’ continued Sam. ‘Spiders, insects, worms, bugs, beetles.’

  ‘So,’ said DJ Liz Anya, ‘you’re basically rapping about everything from creepy crawlies to cuddly koalas?’

  ‘Yes!’ said Sam. ‘That’s a great tagline!’

  Sam and Ajay smiled at each other. Well, Ajay smiled and Sam just stuck out her doggy tongue and wagged her tail.

  ‘And where is this animal sanctuary going to be?’ asked DJ Liz Anya.

  ‘Right here in Clobberstown!’ said Sam. She was getting a bit carried away with the idea – it sounded brilliant even though she was only making it up on the spot.

  ‘That’s F.A.B.’ said DJ Liz Anya. ‘Fantabulous And Brilliant. How can people give you money for this wonderful cause?’

  ‘They can send it here to St Gobnet’s National School,’ said Sam, looking at Ms Hennigan, who nodded vigorously, all smiles, ‘or they can send it to Clobberstown Lodge.’

  ‘F.A.B.,’ said DJ Liz Anya. ‘Totes F.A.B. That was Dog for Four Days Sam Hannigan from St Gobnet’s on behalf of Doggies for Dinner, a fantabulous cause. Next up we have local milkman and Clobberstown legend Patrick Mustard, who is going to talk to us about the importance of milk in our diets and give us all the goss about his magnificent moustache.’

  The phone clicked off and started to beep – the call was over. Sam handed (or pawed) the receiver back to Ms Hennigan. ‘Well done, Sam, you did St Gobnet’s proud!’ She reached into her desk and took out a twenty-euro note. ‘Here you go,’ she said, handing it to Ajay. ‘We will have a collection in the staff room at big break as well. The animal sanctuary plan sounds fantabulous, sorry, fantastic!’

  In the yard during big break, Sam and Ajay were surround
ed by kids from all the classes, checking out Sam’s ‘dog costume’, and Sam happily answered loads of questions about Doggie Dinners, or Dinners for Dogs, or Doggies for Dinner. If there actually was a charity, thought Sam, it definitely would NOT be called Doggies for Dinner. Yuk!

  As they filed back into the classroom, Ms Sniffles called Sam and Ajay aside. ‘Oh, Sam,’ she said, shivering, for once, with excitement rather than her usual heavy cold, ‘some great news: Ms Hennigan recorded your interview on her phone and uploaded it to the internet!’ She held out her own smartphone, on the screen of which Sam could be seen, holding a phone to her floppy doggy ear with her furry doggy paw and talking all about Dinners for Dogs. ‘It’s got over two hundred thousand views already! And it’s only been up for less than an hour!’ Sam and Ajay exchanged glances. This was all moving very fast.

  Just then the classroom intercom speaker BING-BONGed, and Ms Hennigan’s voice crackled through. ‘Pardon me, teachers and children, but could Sam Hannigan come to the principal’s office immediately.’

  What now? thought Sam, looking worriedly at Ajay. Martha Maguire snorted loudly in her seat, making Abbie Cuffe jump. Martha much preferred it when people were paying attention to her – she, for one, had had enough of Sam and her ‘dog costume’.

  Sam and Ajay walked down the corridor to Ms Hennigan’s office and knocked on the door, which flew open before they had finished the first tat of rat-a-tat-tat.

  ‘Sam Hannigan!’ shouted Ms Hennigan. ‘You will never guess who I have been on the phone to!’ She was right, Sam never would have guessed. ‘I just took a call from a researcher on Bryan Hoolihan’s Midweek Madness!’

  ‘The TV programme?’ asked Ajay, his eyes boggling. ‘My dad loves that show! And my mum loves Bryan Hoolihan!’

  ‘Everybody loves Bryan Hoolihan,’ said Ms Hennigan breathlessly, patting at her chest with a fluttery hand. ‘He’s such a dreamboat.’

  Sam stuck out her doggy tongue. Yuk, she thought. Adults …

  ‘But never mind that now,’ said Ms Hennigan. ‘They want YOU to go on the show, tomorrow night!’

  Sam couldn’t believe her floppy, furry ears. ‘Me? On the TV? Talking about Doggie Dinners?’

  ‘Yes!’ cried Ms Hennigan. ‘This is a wonderful occasion! And a fantabulous opportunity for the school! I am so proud of you, Sam Hannigan! So PROUD!’

  Sam and Ajay left the office, shell-shocked. First on the radio, then on the internet, and now on TV? There wasn’t even a real charity called Dinners for Dogs. There wasn’t even one called Doggie Dinners. If donations kept on coming in, maybe someone could start one … But holy moley, she thought, this is all moving SO fast.

  Chapter Six

  Different Day, Same Old Dog

  Tuesday. Day three of dog-ness. Sam woke up and checked her face for fur, even though she fully expected to still be a dog. Yup, still furry. Barker’s fur was so lovely and fluffy, but she preferred to pet it when it was actually on Barker – it was no fun petting her own face. She had a funny taste in her mouth, kind of rubbery and clothy. Ew.

  The bedroom door burst open. Bruno stood in the doorway, holding up a newspaper and cackling with evil-sounding laughter. ‘Did you see this morning’s paper?’ he managed to get out, between dastardly chuckles.

  ‘Bruno, I just woke up. How would I know what’s in the Clobberstown Bugle?’ asked Sam, not unreasonably.

  ‘I’ll tell you what’s in the Clobberstown Bugle,’ said Bruno, smirking an evil smirk. ‘YOU are!’ He dissolved into kinks of laughter, the newspaper twisted and mangled between his fists.

  ‘WHAT?’ said Sam. ‘Give it here!’ She sprung from her bed and snatched the newspaper from Bruno’s grasp.

  It was true. On the front of the Clobberstown Bugle was a full-colour photo of a hugely hairy Sam, her ears perking up and her big doggy tongue lolling out of her toothy mouth. She was holding a phone. Ajay was beside her – his thumbs were up, but he had a decidedly fake-looking smile on his face. ‘Oh. My. Dog,’ said Sam. ‘Ms Sniffles must have taken this when I was on the phone to the radio station yesterday!’

  Sam read through the article quickly. It was all about Sam’s efforts to raise money for what it called Doggie Diners, which was completely wrong and made it sound like a fast-food restaurant for dogs. At the end was a plea to send cash to the school or to Clobberstown Lodge.

  ‘And that’s not all!’ chortled Bruno. ‘You’re all over social media – MyTube, Friendbook, Chirpybird, ClickChat, everywhere!’

  He held out his smartphone. Sam groaned. She was everywhere.

  ‘And by the way,’ continued Bruno, smirking and holding up a pair of badly chewed tartan covered moccasins, ‘Nanny Gigg wants to know what happened to her slippers.’ Sam gulped. She had a vague memory of waking up hungry in the middle of the night, sleepwalking to the kitchen eating a sandwich while lying on the floor. She even had a memory of howling at the full moon on her way back upstairs. Holy Moley, she thought, I must have eaten the slippers! Well, that explains the funny taste in my mouth.

  School that day was as hectic as the day before. All the kids in Sam’s class brought in envelopes of cash for Doggie Dinners, and Ajay had to empty out his plastic lunchbox to collect the money. Martha and Abbie stood at the side of the classroom, looking at the spectacle with disdain.

  At lunchtime Ogg the caretaker had to chase some camera-people and journalists away from the school gates – they were shouting out Sam’s name but scarpered when they saw the massive figure of Ogg lumbering towards them. Ha! thought Sam. They wouldn’t run if they knew how gentle he really is!

  ‘Oh, Sam,’ said Ogg, ‘just to warn you: Ms Hennigan got me to make up some posters on the photocopier and hang them around the school.’ He held up a poster for Sam to see.

  Sam face-pawed. Brilliant.

  ‘That’s great news, Ogg,’ she said, slightly sarcastically. ‘Now everyone will be watching.’

  She and Ajay walked back to class. ‘I’m worried, Ajay,’ said Sam. ‘What if I can’t change back? What if I’m stuck being a dog forever?’

  ‘Don’t worry, Sam,’ said Ajay, patting her head. ‘The Brain Swap 3000 will be fully charged tomorrow – we just have to get tonight over and done with and you’ll be yourself again in no time!’

  But even Ajay looked a little worried and found it hard to concentrate on lessons for the rest of the day. What if Sam couldn’t be turned back? He looked over to where she was sitting and, as he watched, Sam put her paw into her schoolbag and took out a Jolly Roger Dog Biscuit. She looked around and then ate it quickly and quietly while Ms Sniffles was correcting copies. Ajay wasn’t the only one who noticed this; Martha Maguire spotted Sam eating the dog biscuit and, as she watched with a look that mingled suspicion with disgust, she wrote something down on a piece of paper and passed it to Abbie Cuffe. Abbie read the note, caught Martha’s eye and nodded once.

  Holy moley, thought Ajay, Sam really likes those Jolly Rogers. And she keeps on scratching herself with her back paw when she thinks nobody’s looking. AND I saw her drinking out of a puddle on the way into school this morning. Wait a minute – what if she’s FORGETTING how to be Sam? Janey Crackers – what if she’s actually turning into a REAL DOG?

  Ajay stared blankly at the class whiteboard. The sooner the Brain Swap 3000 is up and running, he thought, and the sooner we restore Sam’s brain to Sam’s body, the better.

  Chapter Seven

  A Low Down, Dirty Dog

  Nanny Gigg’s eyes goggled. She had never seen so much money. The postman had knocked on the door that morning with a sack full of envelopes, all addressed to either Doggie Dinners or Dinners for Dogs. Every single envelope had a fiver, a tenner or even a twenty-euro note in it. Some of them even had fifty-euro notes. Nanny Gigg took each note out, stacked it up in a pile on the worktop, and put the envelope in the recycling bin. Pretty soon the bin was full of envelopes, and there were four big piles of banknotes on the kitchen counter.

  Nanny Gigg s
at down on a kitchen chair, took out her false teeth and polished them with a dishcloth before popping them back in again. Where did all this money come from?

  The back door opened and Sam and Ajay walked into the kitchen. Nanny Gigg looked up from the table. ‘Tell me this and tell me no more,’ she said, pointing to the mounds of money on the countertop, ‘what’s the story-Rory with all this cash?’

  ‘Ah,’ said Ajay, ‘well. You see. Sam and I have set up a charity, by mistake, and the cash is donations for the charity.’

  ‘It’s called Dinners for Dogs,’ chipped in Sam, ‘and the money is going to go toward feeding stray dogs and other poor animals.’

  Nanny Gigg stared at Sam and squinted her eyes. She took off her glasses and rubbed them with the dishcloth. Then she took out her teeth and gave them a rub too. There was something different about Sam. Was it her big floppy ears? Could it be her furry face? ‘Humph ong ah minnuh!’ shouted Nanny Gigg. She put her false teeth back in and tried it again. ‘Hold on a minute!’ she shouted, much more successfully this time. ‘Sam Hannigan, you are a DOG!’

  ‘I’m sorry!’ said Sam quickly. ‘It wasn’t my fault.’ She blinked. ‘Actually, now I think about it, it WAS my fault. I asked Ajay to brain-swap me with Barker with one of Daddy Mike’s inventions …’

  ‘The Brain Swap 3000,’ said Ajay.

  ‘… so I could play a trick on nasty old Mr Soames,’ continued Sam. ‘But the gun ran out of charge, and it takes four days to charge it, so I’m stuck being a dog until Wednesday.’ Sam’s doggy face crumpled and big tears started to roll down her furry cheeks. ‘Oh, Nanny Gigg, I just want to be human again.’

  Nanny Gigg opened her arms and hugged Sam’s doggy body tight. ‘Don’t you worry one little bit,’ she said. ‘If there was one thing Daddy Mike was brilliant at, it was making things work. Before he disappeared he invented the Underwater Fire Extinguisher, Gloves for Chimpanzee’s Feet, and he even developed a Hairbrush for Bald Gentlemen – and each of those marvellous gizmos had one thing in common.’