“I’m speechless. I can’t absorb what you’re saying. It’s so … unreal. Every dream I have ever had is about to come true. I just never imagined this, you know?”
“I can understand that you’re overwhelmed, but you deserve this. Out of everyone I’ve worked with, I have wanted success the most for you.” I cough again. I manage to compose myself as I ease into the next subject.
“When the eight weeks are over, where does that leave … us?” Jonathon bites his lip as he considers my question. I feel as if time has stopped as I wait for him to reply.
“Where do you want it to leave us? We haven’t declared that we are official yet, so what do you want me to say?” he’s smart, too smart. How do I respond? He turned the question back around on me. He avoided answering my question and now he’s put me on the spot, great.
“That’s the thing … I don’t know.” My voice is raspy. I need cough syrup. Like now.
“Well what do you want me to say to that? If you don’t know, then how am I supposed to know?” his voice is sharp. He’s on edge and I can tell that he doesn’t like to talk about this sort of thing. The truth is either do I? But I know that we have to. We can’t carry on like this. We need to know what the other is thinking. We can’t let our feelings fall into a deep whole of everything that we don’t say to each other. I have to be strong and look deep into my heart for the answer.
“I’m not good at this … talking about how I feel, you know. It’s hard for me. Too hard, and it feels as if I’m falling into a deep whole, every time I want to open up.” Jonathon strokes my ankle as he exhales. His eyes bore into mine. That smile has gone and now worry clouds his face.
“What are you not telling me?” I blush or maybe it’s just the fever setting in. Either way I’m uncomfortable. He knows that I’m carrying a secret. I get the feeling that he isn’t going stop until he knows what it is.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I try to act surprised by his question, as if I don’t know why he’s asking it. Deep down I know why. I haven’t been easy to be around and Jonathon is no dummy. He knows that I have a past. He just hasn’t fitted the pieces of it together. Am I really ready to come clean with him?
“You blush when you lie. Now talk to me.” On cue I blush. Dam it. I have a tell and I didn’t know about it. Crap.
“Okay you win.” I say as I toss the throw away from my body. I must have a fever. I am sweating.
“Do you remember when I kissed you outside the restaurant?” I cringe. How could I forget?
“Yeah,”
“Well that night you said that you escaped and changed your life in every way possible. You said that you couldn’t relive the hurt that you have suffered. I want to know … exactly what that was about.” My heart starts to pound. There’s no getting out of this. I have to tell him. My heart skips several beats as I try to think. Surly I can’t tell him every little detail, can I? He could hate me for the things that I have done. He could leave and never come back. Am I really ready to lose him?
“My reasons for leaving Dallas where … complicated. I was in a … rough … relationship. I was a whole other person, a person that you would … hate. The bottom line is that, the relationship ended badly and in order for me to move on, I needed to move away from Dallas. I put everything into making a fresh start. I got a job and focused on my music. This is really hard for me.” I panic. I don’t know if I can go on. My heart is pounding and I am scared that I am going confess everything and ruin what we have. My heart is melting. I feel so strongly about him. I would even say that I … love him. I don’t want to lose the one thing that I care most about in the entire world. I have tried to fight my feelings. I can’t any longer. I love Jonathon. I love Mr Wilde. I love every inch of his perfect, Gucci clothed body. I want to scream it from the roof-tops. I want to tell him. But something inside is holding me back. I wish I knew what it was, dread maybe. I don’t know if I can be in a stable, loving relationship. I don’t think I know how. I would drive Jonathon crazy. I can be a little obsessive. I am a nag and very quick tempered. He wouldn’t put up with my shit. He wouldn’t stand for my lies, lies that I would have to tell. I can never be fully honest with him. I couldn’t stand the pain of him hating me. Dread, I would dread getting into a relationship with him. I know that my past would poison what we have.
“I can see how uncomfortable you are. It shows in those pretty blue eyes. I guess I always I knew that it was a guy that … marked you. I just hope that you can see that I’m not him. I don’t know what he put you through, or even what he made you do. But I want you to know that I would never hurt you.” I leap forward and plant my feverish lips onto his. I don’t care if he gets my flu. I hope he does so that we can lie here together, forever.
“You don’t have to tell me every little detail of your past. It’s irrelevant and doesn’t even really matter. I’m willing to put it to one side, if you promise to trust me. I would never hurt you Ashley. I’m not that kind of guy.” I bite my lip. Do I believe him? Can I just put all my worries aside and do the one thing that he asks of me? Do I even deserve to have it this easy? Jonathon is offering to forget and to not make my past an issue. But is he only offering me his acceptance, because he doesn’t know the truth? This is so hard. What will I do?
“I know you don’t want to know every little detail, but I need to know that by you giving me this … way-out- if- you-like is it just because you’re scared of the truth?” he shakes his head at me.
“No, I’m not scared. I just don’t feel that your past is relevant, that’s why it’s called ‘a past’. It’s not meant to collide with your future. I want a future with you Ashley.” I smile at him. He’s so cute. I could literally stay with him forever.
“You know I’m gonna hold you to that promise for the rest of your life.” I say jokingly. He lunges forward and scoops me into his strong arms. He lightly squeezes my rib-cage and I burst into a hyper laugh, which soon leads to a coughing fit. Jonathon backs away and I frown at him. He pretends to shield his mouth from my germs. I scold him with a cold look. He laughs and makes a swooping heart shape with his fingers. He winks and I know it’s silly, but all is forgiven. The combination of his smile and eyes together is sinful. I smile at him as he takes his phone out of his pocket. He excuses himself as he answers the loud, annoying ring. I watch as his expression changes. It’s his mom on the other end. I begin to think about his family, and I wonder if he’s still pissed off with his dad. I feel a sudden urge to ask him about it, as I wonder what his mom is saying to him. From his tone, I get that he loves his mom, but I also get the feeling that he’s trying to get out of something that she’s asking him to do. His expression is serious, annoyed and flustered. I can tell that he’s uncomfortable. I just about fit the pieces together when he says.
“Fine, I’ll be there. It’s this Saturday, right?” He rolls his eyes as his mom gushes. I can hear her voice squeak on the other end of the phone. He exhales and then hangs up. He looks tense. Should I ask him about it? No Ashley. He’ll talk to you about it if he wants to. Don’t force the guy. I agree with my subconscious. I pull myself up on the sofa and wait for him to talk first. He’s running his fingers nervously through his hair as he paces around the room. His breathing is heavy. Man I hope he’s okay. He finally settles down next to me. His eyes bore into mine. His lips are white, a shade that I have never seen before on them. He seems … worried. Naturally I begin to worry and analyse his manner. He senses my uneasiness as he exhales deeply, whilst running his fingers through that dark hair. His full lips part and I prepare myself for his deep voice.
“Ashley, how would you feel about accompanying me to a Beverly Hills party?” I wasn’t expecting to hear him say those words. I thought he was going to scream and be upset. His manner is tense and he looks worried and all that is for some party. Seriously, I am beginning to think that Jonathon is over dramatic. Why would he get himself so flustered about a party?
“Seriously?” I ask shocked. He
eases a little and that smile creeps across his perfect lips.
“Yeah, you seem surprised, why?”
“You were really … mad just there. You could say that I’m surprised, because I don’t understand why you would get so flustered about a party.” he tenses and pulls away from me. He looks insulted. Crap have I offended him in some way?
“You know nothing, do you?” he says with pain in his voice. My heart starts to race. Crap. Crap. “You sit there on your high-horse totally oblivious to other people’s feelings.” I’m shocked to my core. I can’t reply. I can’t find the strength. “I didn’t mean that … I’m sorry.” he says through clenched teeth. Now I am even more speechless. “It’s just I’m really … stressed right now. The music and all this with… you has just taken its toll. And now I have to attend my father’s grand birthday party, accompanied by all his social climbing friends.” Now I get it. At least I think I do.
“It’s okay. I get it.” I say smiling at him. He slides his fingers along my bare ankle as his eyes soften.
“So will you go?” he asks. I bite my lip as I think. Am I really ready to meet his entire family? That’s such a big step. I would be terrified in case his family hated me. I don’t even know how I feel about him. I know that I care about him and that possibly I might … love him. But I have never told him any of that. He doesn’t know what’s going on in my head. I don’t know if I can trust him. I don’t want to lead him on by meeting his family one day, and dumping him the next. Decisions. Decisions.
“I don’t know. Doesn’t it seem a bit soon to be meeting the parents? We haven’t exactly said were ‘exclusive’, you know?”
“It wouldn’t be like that. I could introduce you as my friend. They wouldn’t have to know about how complicated things are between us. I mean we haven’t worked out the fine details, so why should they. See it as a … trial. You can try me on. See what my family is like. How I act around them. See the real me and if you like what you see, then we can give us … a shot. What do you say; will you take a chance on me?” My heart flutters. I like his game. He has a way with words and I feel compelled to obey those words in every possible way. He has also proved that he is capable of being a nice guy. I never would have thought he would be so… understanding about everything that we talked about today. He has surprised me. He agreed to let my past stay in the past and now he wants to allow me the option of a trial. Does he sound too good to be true? Is he masking his true feelings with a fake-face? How could I tell if he were lying or if he was just playing me? I thought I could read him. I thought that I had gotten to know him. But as I stare into those diamond-like eyes, I realise that I don’t know him at all. My heart is thumping in my chest. My eyes are sore from the fever and my head is buzzing. I can’t hide my cold or how I feel about him.
“You’re so … sweet. You’re like the perfect guy. Is any of it real?” he looks mortified at my question. His eyes dart around the room. I find that his strong cheeks are slightly blushing. His lips are white again and his jaw is tense under his skin. He bites into his lip and a little trickle of blood runs down the surface. I leap to wipe it away, but he catches me in his strong arms and prevents me from doing so. He pulls me close to his body and he rests his forehead on mine. His dark eyes stare into my soul as he whispers.
“I’m far from perfect, but I’m perfect for you.” I smile as our faces stand an inch apart. My hand slides into his hair. Wow, I really can’t resist that silky, wavy hair. I never noticed how much his hair has grown. He has it spiked up into a thick quiff. Man he must use a lot of product to get it that slicked back. My fingers collide with the stands of his hair. I lean back and take in the full view. He looks amazing. Those dark eyes glistening like diamonds, hidden by thick dark eyebrows. His nose is broad and straight, just perfect. His lips are full and I laugh because his top-lip sticks out a little. A flash of perfect white teeth are sealed inside. His skin-tone is flawless, dark and blemish free. Although he is sporting a little stubble today that is ever so sexy. I make a memory of every inch of his perfect face. The one thing that sticks out at me is that, he has a cute little mole about an inch from his left nostril. It’s sweet and ever so unique. He’s right he is perfect for me.
Sixteen
The next five days are jam-packed and hectic. I have been jotting all over town, doing interviews and promo work for my new single. Tony and Alex found me a great song. It’s a cover track, but I have managed to put my own spin on it. Jonathon was sceptical at first; he wanted me to record something original. The truth be told, I did too. But we don’t have much time left and we were desperate for a follow-up to written in the stars. My performance at ‘Liquid’ went amazing. People actually loved me. The atmosphere was amazing. I love playing to a large crowd, and large was exactly what that crowd was. The club owner had to turn people away from the door. People lined the street for hours just to get in. I was bombarded with ‘fans’, it was so overwhelming, but such a rush at the same time. I felt amazing. I am so lucky. I feel like a real artist. My dreams are coming true, it’s awesome. None of it would have been possible without Jonathon. He has been my rock through everything. He has guided me and showed me how to deal with my new found fame. He has made sure that my feet have stayed firmly on the ground. He hasn’t let any of my success so far go to my head. He keeps reassuring me that it’s not all fun and games. I need to put in the work, if I am to be a successful artist. I can’t just expect all my dreams to come true without hard work. He assures me that I can achieve success, but not without determination and hard work.
I have another gig in few days and the party is tonight. I agreed to go with Jonathon. I accepted his trial offer and so far he’s been great. He is the ultimate idea of what a good boyfriend should be. He has been really sweet, caring and so supportive. He does the sweetest things, like looking after me whilst I was sick. He stayed with me for the two days and nights that I was cooped up in bed with a cold. He waited on me hand and foot. We watched movies and he even read to me until I fell asleep. He’s so kind, and a far cry from the jerk I meet all those weeks ago. I have realised that he uses sarcasm and his pushy, arrogant ways as a defence mechanism. He’s scared to show the real him. He’s scared that he won’t be accepted as a nice guy. He pretends to be a jerk, so that he doesn’t have to show what he really feels. I totally understand him, as I have become quite used to masking my feelings myself. I was also surprised at how calm and level-headed he’s stayed with my male admirers. I thought that he would get jealous and possessive, but he hasn’t and if he does share those emotions, then he does a wonderful job at masking them. All in all, my week so far has been great.
“Ashley you ready?” Sydney’s voice chimes through my ears. I grab my bag and head for the door. My phone is lodged to my ear as I scramble down the stairs.
“Yeah. Yeah, I won’t be a sec” my flip-flops make that loud annoying sound as they collide with the stone of the stairs. It’s so hot today. I have dressed for the weather. As always I have on my shorts and tank top. My hair is pulled into a loose bun and my sunglasses are pushed on top of my head. I have opted for a light dusting of make-up. The LA sunshine is unpredictable and so is my make-up. I don’t want any miss-haps, so a light layer of make-up is just the ticket. I push through the glass doors and I spot Sydney sitting in her car. She has small, round sunglasses fixed onto her face and as I get closer, I see that despite the blistering heat, she is still wearing jeans. Seriously I don’t know how she does it. I slide into the car and the hot fabric of the seat collides with my bare legs. I flinch and Sydney smiles at me. She pushes her foot down onto the gas pedal and the car slowly rolls forward. She sighs as she drives, and I take that as sign that she wants to talk. I hit the button on the radio, and the annoying song that was playing fades into a silence. Sydney stops the car at a red light. I take this opportunity to ask her how she’s feeling.
“You seem … tense Sid, what’s up?” I ask staring at her through my dark sunglasses. She sighs aga
in and man this isn’t a good sign. I have never seen her so uncomfortable. What on earth is wrong with her? I hope she isn’t down about my success. I know she’s had a hard time dealing with my new found fame. She thinks that I am going to abandon her. She’s insane, as that’s something that I would never do. She lightly presses the gas pedal again and the car moves with the traffic. I begin to feel a little flustered. I want to know what’s bugging my friend. “C’mon Sid, your never this quiet. What’s bothering you?” I persist. Sydney exhales this time as she pushes a thick strand of died black hair away from her face. I never understood why she would want to die her hair, because she has the most gorgeous red, curly hair. I have tried to make her embrace it. Yet she insists on having her hair opposite from its natural state, black and straight.
“I have a confession to make and you’re not gonna like it.” My heart starts to race. Man I don’t like the sound of this. I manage to control my urge to scream as I reply.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me.” I reassure her. Sydney briefly looks at me through her glasses and then her lips part. My blood runs cold. I am scared of her confession.
Wilde Velvet Page 19
