Alien vs. Alien

by Gini Koch

  “Wives tend to be jealous of mistresses.”

  He sighed. “I don’t love her more than you, or Jamie.”

  “But you do love her as much.” And she was not only some bird who was stealing my husband’s affections, but she’d been the bird of a man who’d tried to kill me in many different and nasty ways not very long ago.

  I tried to continue my stalk to the front door, but Jeff grabbed me and pulled me to him. “That’s not true. But I do feel about her like you do about the Poofs and the other pets. I know she belonged to one of our enemies. But she’s an innocent animal.”

  “Animal maybe.” I wasn’t buying innocent. That bird had been around the block more than once.

  “We can debate it later. But I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, baby. You and Jamie were just having your love time with the cats and the Poofs, and I wanted . . . I wanted you two to meet Bellie, so she could be a part of that, too.”

  “Which might have worked better if Bellie wasn’t clearly a one-man bird, emphasis on ‘man.’ ”

  “I’m sure she’ll adapt to you and Jamie being home.”

  “I’m not.” I still wanted to be angry, and really, I was, but it felt nice having Jeff’s arm around me, while he held both of us. “But I’ll try to give the bird a chance.”

  “Great!”

  “I’m making no promises, Jeff. I’m not much of a girl for birds.”

  “Maybe Bellie can change your mind about that.”

  If that was her goal, Bellie was a total failure in creating a bird lover out of me. But I chose not to say that. Instead I contemplated my options. “Can Chuckie and the girls wait for us for a few more minutes?”

  Jeff got a faraway look. “Yeah. They’re waiting but not impatient.”

  < moh="2em">“Okay. I’m sure Jamie would like more undivided Daddy time before we go pay more attention to things other than her.” She was clinging to Jeff, so this wasn’t so much my being a great, intuitive mother as me stating the obvious. In part to show willing and in more part to give Jeff and Jamie some private time, I pulled away. “I’ll go see if Bellie and I get along better without you in the room.”

  Jeff looked pleased. “Her cage is in the living room.”

  Wonderful. I went to have a look-see. Cage was the wrong word. Her bird habitat was in my living room. In fact, there was far more bird habitat than living room now. Bellie had a better setup than if she’d been housed in the Washington Zoo. Better than any zoo I’d seen.

  I walked over to the nearest part of her enclosure. She flew up to me and latched onto a nearby swing. She stared at me, I stared at her.

  “He’s mine, you know,” I said finally.

  “Jeff loves Bellie.”

  “Too true. But he loves Kitty and Jamie more. And you’d better get that through your bird brain, before I brain you.”

  She seemed unperturbed. Shocker. “Bellie loves Jeff.”

  “Yes, I know.” I decided to try another tack, since intimidation was clearly not working. “What else does Bellie love?”

  The bird seemed to contemplate this question. “Bellie loves treats.”

  “No argument. Does Bellie love anything else?”

  “Bellie wants treats.”

  “You just got some. What does Bellie want besides treats?”

  “Bellie misses Daddy.”

  I assumed this was Antony Marling. “Daddy is not coming back.”

  “Bellie knows the secret.”

  “What secret?”

  “Daddy’s secret.”

  Interesting. “Will Bellie tell Kitty what Daddy’s secret is?”

  The bird gave me a look that clearly said “talk to the tailfeathers.” This bird had derisive down to an art form. “No. Bellie loves Jeff.”

  “Will Bellie tell Jeff Daddy’s secret?”

  “No.”

  “But if Bellie really loves Jeff, Bellie should tell Jeff what Bellie knows.”

  The bird actually seemed to be considering this. I was wondering how it was that I was doing an avian interrogation. But that’s what was going on. African Grays were the smartest birds out there, and they had the best language skills. And Marling had adored this bird as much as my husband did now. Clearly, she was the Marilyn Monroe of the parrot world.

  So it was conceivable that Marling had kept the bird with him when he was working, while attending meetings of the Association of Crazed Evil Geniuses, and perhaps more. I didn’t doubt that Bellie knew soBel Std">“Bmething. But whether it was information we already knew—his “children” had actually been amazingly good androids—or information we didn’t was the question of the moment.

  Jeff joined us. “See? You two are getting along great.”

  “Yeah, right. Um, Jeff, is it time to join Chuckie and the Gower girls?”

  “Yeah, that’s why I came to get you. They’re starting to wonder where we are.”

  “Great. You give me Jamie. I w

  ant you to bring Bellie with us.”

  “Really? She’ll enjoy that.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t care if she loves it or hates the experience down to her giant talons. Bellie has intel, and I think you and maybe Chuckie are going to be the only ones who can get it out of her.”

  Yi

  CHAPTER 16

  BELLIE WAS REMOVED FROM her luxury accommodations. She happily perched on Jeff’s shoulder and seemed quite content to stay there. I got the impression she’d been riding around the Embassy like this a lot while I was gone.

  “How is it that if a Poof is on your shoulder you feel unmanly, but you’re all over this bird sitting there?”

  “Bellie’s different.”

  “Whatever you say, Cap’n Jeff.”

  “Huh?”

  I decided not to elaborate. We headed for the elevators. The doors opened, but the elevator wasn’t empty—Buchanan was in it.

  He smiled at me and Jamie. “Hey there, Missus Chief and Baby Chief.” Then he took a look at Jeff and gaped. “And Captain Chief.”

  “What’s with all the captain stuff?” Jeff asked as we got into the elevator and he stood between me and Buchanan. “And call her Missus Martini.”

  “Malcolm can call me whatever he wants.” He’d started calling me Mrs. Chief the moment we hit Florida. I liked it, in part because it always made me want to giggle. “And, seriously, Jeff, you have a parrot on your shoulder. All you need is an eye patch or a fake peg leg and you’re all set for Halloween, which is far away, or Purim, which you’re more than a little late for.”

  “It’s a great look, really,” Buchanan added. He and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.

  Jeff glowered. “It’s not funny.”

  “Actually, it’s hilarious. But whatever. Malcolm, were you coming to see us?”

  “Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about the incident at NASA Base.”

  “Great, come on down. We’re meeting up with Chuckie to discuss that and other fun facts.”

  Jefall her f wasn’t happy about this, but I no longer cared. He was carting Bellie around; I’d take Buchanan along. At least my plus one was human.

  Buchanan looked closely at the bird. “Isn’t that Antony Marling’s parrot?”

  We got out of the elevator. “Yeah, it is. How’d you know?”

  “I researched everything related to you. I thought the bird would have gone to an animal rescue of some kind.”

  I brought Buchanan up on the specialness that was the “gift” of Bellie to me by Peter the Dingo as we joined Chuckie and the Gower girls.

  Bellie cawed happily when she saw Chuckie. “Reynolds! Reynolds! Reynolds!”

  “I see she likes you.”

  Chuckie shrugged. “The bird’s seen all of us a lot.” He winked at me. “Captain Martini likes to have her around.”

  “Seriously, stop it with all the captain stuff,” Jeff snapped. “It’s not funny.”

  “It’s pretty funny,” Naomi said as she and Abigail both giggled.

 
“Captains of industry,” Bellie said. “Captains of science.”

  “What other captains are there, Bellie?” I asked.

  She looked at me. “Captains of military.”

  “Any other captains, Bellie?” The bird seemed to be considering. “Mimi, Abby, can either one of you see what the bird’s thinking?”

  “No,” Naomi said. “We don’t do animal minds.”

  “They don’t think like humans,” Abby added. “They don’t have emotions like humans, either.”

  Pity. It was never nice to find limitations to our side’s powers. “Well, it was worth a shot. Jeff, you ask her.”

  “Ask her what?”

  “Ask Bellie about captains. And secrets.”

  Jeff gave me the “you so crazy” look. “Why?”

  “Just do it.” I managed not to snap. I didn’t want Bellie upset with me.

  He sighed. “What other captains does Bellie know about?” he asked the bird in a goo-goo voice. Naomi and Abigail both put their hands over their mouths. I was certain they were trying not to laugh out loud.

  “Captains in place.”

  Chuckie sat up straight. “Captains in place where, Bellie?”

  Bellie looked at him. “Paraguay and Paris! Paraguay and Paris!”

  We all looked at each other. “Jeff, ask her about Daddy’s secrets. Keep on talking to her in that lovey-dovey way you seem to have acquired while I was out of town.”

  He gave me a dirty look but did as requested. “Can Bellie tell Jeff about Daddy’s secrets?”

  The bird did a jerking thing with her head. I couldn’t te co Jell if she was trying to nod yes, no, or just had a twitch. “Secrets for keeping. Bellie misses Daddy. Jeff misses Kitty. Jeff has Bellie. Bellie has Jeff.”

  Interesting. Presumably Jeff had shared his loneliness with the bird and vice versa. I made a mental note to ensure this bird was never around when we were having sex. I didn’t need her imitating my yowling.

  “Yes, Bellie has Jeff,” he confirmed, as if there were any doubt. “Bellie, tell Jeff Daddy’s secrets.”

  Bellie did the head shake thing again. “Bellie knows Daddy’s secrets.”

  “Jeff needs to know Daddy’s secrets.” The bird didn’t answer. He looked at me. “Any ideas?”

  Jamie gurgled, and I kissed her head. Which led to inspiration. Always nice when that happened. “Bellie, Jeff is your Daddy now. So he should know Daddy’s secrets.”

  Jeff nodded and looked back at the bird. “Jeff is Bellie’s Daddy now. Tell Jeff Daddy’s secrets, Bellie.”

  The bird seemed to be considering her options. “Jeff is Daddy?” she asked. She sounded uncertain, not that I was any real judge of bird tonal inflections.

  “Yes,” he said firmly. “Jeff is Bellie’s Daddy now.”

  She did that head thing again. “Daddy’s secrets are ready to go. Captains in Paris and Paraguay. Bellie wants a treat.”

  Jeff reached into his pocket and gave her a treat. I managed not to be either horrified or shocked. Of course he was now carrying around bird treats in his suit. Naturally. I wondered how many meetings outside of the Embassy he’d gone to with the bird along. Had a horrible feeling I’d find out at the most embarrassing times possible.

  “Now tell Jeff Daddy’s secrets, Bellie.” Jeff stroked her head. “Be a good Bellie.”

  “Good man. Good man. Captain is good man.” I doubted that, because it was unlikely anyone Marling had in place was good. “Can do. Can do. Captain can do.” This one I could buy—whoever was in place was likely able to do whatever evil actions he was assigned.

  Bellie preened. “Bellie wants a treat!”

  Jeff sighed and gave her another. “I don’t think she’s got any more, baby.”

  “Or else she’s not ready or willing to tell us.”

  “It’s a bird,” Buchanan pointed out. “How much do you really think it can tell us in the first place?”

  The bird looked right at him. “Time to tell the dog to kill the cat.”

  Yi

  CHAPTER 17

  I COULDN’T SPEAK FOR ANYONE ELSE, but my mind was going at top speed. “You know, I think my ‘uncle’ sent this to me for more reasons than him having a soft co JULDN’spot for abandoned animals.”

  Chuckie nodded. “That sounds like the order Marling would have given to have you assassinated.”

  “Only it was Madeline Cartwright who’d set up the assassins. She told me so.” And I didn’t doubt it, either, not based on all I’d seen and gone through.

  “Doesn’t change things,” Chuckie said. “The bird must have heard the order given.”

  “Wouldn’t you think she’d need to hear it more than once?” Buchanan asked. “To be able to repeat it, I mean.”

  “Maybe.” What I knew about parrot learning skills could fit into one of Bellie’s treat pellets and have room to spare. “I guess we’ll find out.”

  “True.” Buchanan looked at Chuckie. “Let’s deal with something more pertinent. How did they know to set up the attack at NASA Base?”

  “I’ve been asking myself that since it happened,” Chuckie said. “I honestly have no idea.”

  “We’re so screwed.” This remark earned me a glare from Jeff, a sorta-smile from Chuckie, and a laugh from Buchanan. “I also had a Very Special Test asking me some really interesting questions.” I filled everyone in on the weirdness that was in my special packet.

  Buchanan shook his head when I was done. “My test was perfectly normal. I’d assume everyone else’s was, too. Why didn’t you say something?”

  “At first I figured I was just being singled out because of everything that always happens around me. By the time I read ahead, I was too busy going ‘what the hell’ and being attacked by an android to do much else.”

  “Why give her that kind of test?” Jeff asked. “Even if it was legitimate, the results would be thrown out because the test was so clearly biased.”

  “I’m more interested in how the attack was put in place so quickly,” Buchanan said. He was looking at Chuckie again and he didn’t look all that friendly.

  “I sweep for bugs regularly, so my phone wasn’t tapped. Martini’s and White’s weren’t either.”

  “How do you know that?” Jeff asked.

  “I have a mobile sweeper I carry with me.”

  A thought occurred and I decided to share it before the men could start arguing or fighting. “Our phones aren’t bugged. But we have enemies all over. I’ll bet NASA Base’s phones are tapped, big time. Langley’s, too.”

  “All these areas are routinely checked,” Chuckie said patiently.

  “Yes, but let me remind everyone that the last time we went to NASA Base half of the Security team was part of Club Fifty-One and working for Howard Taft and Leventhal Reid and pointedly out to kill us all. Just because they’re long dead doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t picked up those pieces and started rebuilding.”

  “Why would they be tapped for this?” Buchanan asked. “It seems almost . . . random.”

  “It wasn’t.” I thought best running my mouth, sng ms almoo I kept on talking. “Look, it’s no secret I was down in Florida for a month. Whoever’s behind it—and we can be sure they were best buds with Antony Marling and probably Madeline Cartwright—they’re a long-term thinker, right? Because most of our enemies are.”

  “Right.” Jeff looked thoughtful. “You think they were just waiting to see where you’d go to take this test?”

  “Potentially, yeah. I mean, why the hysterical rush to get this test taken care of?”

  “It’s protocol,” Chuckie said. “It’s not a hysterical rush. We’re late in doing in.”

  “Even better. It’s something you have to have us do, so no one questions, right? And you’re late, so you’re in a hurry to get this taken care of so that less people in the C.I.A. lean on you, right?”

  “Go on.” I could see Chuckie’s conspiracy wheels starting to turn again. Good. He was far too upset about everything. We neede
d him calm and thinking.

  Which meant more yapping from me. Never an issue. “So, they were monitoring for wherever you’d ask to have the last of your A-C flock tested. Maybe the phones aren’t bugged. Maybe it’s just a couple folks at each location where we could take the test who get an extra fifty bucks or something if they share that we’re finally taking this test. They might not even know they were doing wrong. Someone high up saying ‘let me know when this finally gets taken care of’ wouldn’t raise alarms, and a grunt worker would be sure to advise the bigwig, because, well, that’s part of their job.”

  Chuckie nodded slowly. “I can buy all of that. The tests are required to be taken in the type of rooms we were in—extremely secured and impregnable. It’s a perfect place for an ambush.”

  “I buy all that,” Buchanan said. “But why give Kitty a special test? If I’d been handed something like that, I’d have brought it up immediately.”

  “Whoever’s in charge knows Kitty,” Jeff said without missing a beat. “She’s not thrown by weird.”

  “And she’s inquisitive,” Naomi added. “She’ll hunt leads down to see where they go.”

  “Willing to take risks and a little foolhardy,” Abigail added.

  “Geez, guys, I’m in the room. But, yeah, I can buy that whoever set Sandra’s lasers well beyond stun must have had some idea that I wouldn’t question.”

  “Wouldn’t have mattered if the instructor hadn’t hunted you down,” Buchanan added.

  White put his head in the room. “Ah, Mister Reynolds, glad you’re still here. I had a question for you. What happened to our instructor, John? Was he injured?”

  Chuckie opened his mouth, but Walter’s voice came out. “Excuse me Chiefs, but there’s a video upload for Mister Reynolds that’s just come over from NASA Base.”

  “Send it to my office,” Jeff said. “We’ll watch it there.”

  Walter signed off, and we all went to the first floor. As we passed the kitchen, I trotted in. Hey, I’d gotten used to snacking a lot while with my in-laws.