Alien vs. Alien

by Gini Koch

  “We’re a principality?”

  “King Alexander might consider it that way,” Chuckie said. “Councilor Leonidas might, also.”

  “Why send us gifts right now?” Jeff asked. “Jamie was born almost five months ago. Ezra was born over six weeks ago.”

  “I have a better question. Are these safe gifts?”

  “Relatively speaking,” Gladys said. “In the same way the Poofs are safe.” She still didn’t sound enthused.

  “Gladys, the Poofs protect us.”

  “Yes, and God help the person they don’t like, right? These, if Richard is right, are similar.”

  “They aren’t snakes, are they?” Royal gift or not, no snakes were coming into my house. Okay, they would already be in my house, but they were going to be Poof Chow if they were hoping to stay.

  “No. Just a moment.” White didn’t sound worried.

  “Richard, stay in your room!” Jeff wasn’t bellowing, but he was close.

  No answer. I could feel everyone holding their breath, waiting for screams or explosions or something.

  Instead, White came back on the com. “It’s what I thought. Safe to open your doors and open the boxes.”

  “Can’t wait,” Jeff muttered. “You stay here,” he said to me, in the growly-man voice. Jeff was really attached to the idea that it worked outside of bed.

  In this case, because I had Jamie in my arms, I chose to let him think I was obeying. He went to the door, and I readied myself to grab or tackle him out of the way of danger. But nothing much happened

  . Door opened, big box was there. Jeff turned on the lights. Still looked like a big box. Poofs were still growling. Dogs looked ready to lunge. Cats had come out and were on the bed, also looking ready. Bellie was quiet.

  He looked at me. “Ready, baby?”

  “I guess. Let’s open it and see what kind of scary jack-in-the-box pops out.”

  Jeff flipped the lid and jumped to the side.

  I had to admit, it wasn’t anything I’d have guessed in about a thousand years.

  Yi

  CHAPTER 25

  A BIRD THAT LOOKED A LOT LIKE a peacock flew out, screaming its head off. Then another one, this one pure white. There was a card tied to their legs, keeping the birds together.

  This was a good thing, because they both attacked Jeff as if he were the person who’d put them into the interstellar shipping box. Wings flapping, claws flailing, beaks snapping, screams of displeasure echoing. Shockingly, Jamie started to cry.

  The Poofs didn’t move, though their snarling and growling was at the Heavy Duty Kill level. The cats flattened, hissed, then bolted into the nursery. The dogs all were great jumpers, and they confirmed this by leaping over our bed and following the cats’ lead. Whatever these things were, Earth animals were afraid of them.

  “Get these things off me!” Jeff was bellowing now, and Jamie was screaming at the top of her lungs. “Get away, stop it, go home!”

  I didn’t fear or hate birds the way I did snakes, but they’d never done much for me pets-wise, and Bellie was confirming my dislike and disinterest. I was a feline, canine, and Poof girl. Horses and their compatriots were fine. Otherwise, the animal kingdom was on its own, unless I was eating it. I had no idea of what to do, but in times of great stress, I did my best to channel my mother.

  “Birds, SIT!” Amazing. The bird butts hit the floor. “Jeff, are you okay?” I raced over to him.

  “Fine, I think.” He was bleeding in a couple of places, but A-Cs healed fast. “Keep the baby away from these things.”

  I pointed to the card. He grabbed it, tore open the envelope, and read, “Many congratulations on the birth of your first heir to the Earth Throne.” Jeff looked at me and groaned. “They still don’t get it, do they?”

  “No, finish the card.”

  He sighed and continued. “May these Royal Peregrines provide protection and beauty for your palace and your child. Many happy returns, Alexander, King, Alpha Four.”

  I still heard lots of unpleasant noises coming from the com. “Did everyone get a set of Royal Peregrines?” I yelled.

  “Hell, yes!” Christopher shouted. “And God alone knows why!” I heard Amy screaming in the background.

  Pierre wasn’t speaking. He was shrieking. “Back, you horrible creatures! Get back!”

  He wasn’t the only one. It was a cacophony of terror coming through the com. This had to stop. “Walter, make sure my voice goes into all the rooms.”

  “Yes, Chief! Ahhhh! Down, down, dammit! Go ahead, Chief!”

  Handed Jamie to Jeff, raced to the com, took a deep breath, channeled Mom. “ALL BIRDS, SIT!”

  “I love you, Kitty,” Christopher said.

  “I worship at your altar,” Chuckie said, sounding shaken. “Because I already tried telling them to sit, and it didn’t work.

  “Us too,” Abigail and Naomi chimed in.

  “The strong authoritative voice didn’t work until you used it, Kitty,” Kevin confirmed. Raymond and Rachel were crying in the background with Denise trying to soothe them.

  “Boys, you okay?”

  “You’re my personal Jesus, Konal Jesitty,” Len said. Everyone was on a Depeche Mode kick right now, apparently.

  “Mine, too,” Kyle added, voice only shaking a little. “You want to hear some Depeche Mode?”

  “Not sure music’s going to calm these savage beasts, but if it’ll help the rest of the Embassy, go for it.”

  I hadn’t realized we had an Embassy Surround Sound System, nor that it was tuned to my iPod, but the sounds of “Personal Jesus” came softly through the air. Couldn’t speak for anyone else, but music always helped me.

  “I was ready to break some bird necks,” Tito said. “Glad you got them quieted before I had to. I’m going to take care of my wounds first and then do room service, if that’s okay.”

  “Sure, Tito. Richard, you okay?”

  “Yes, Missus Martini. I knew how to calm them.”

  “Just how is that?” Jeff asked while he cuddled Jamie, who was still crying.

  “You grab their feet.”

  “Wow, Richard, that would have been a great plan for the rest of us, but ours all had claws and such.”

  “I’ll teach you how to control them in the morning, Missus Martini.”

  “Cannot wait. Walter, you okay?”

  “Somewhat.”

  “Pierre?”

  “Now that these beautiful gifts of vicious mass destruction aren’t attacking me and destroying my living area, yes, darling, I’m fine. I have no pride attached to standing and fighting, and I’ve proved I’m just a trifle faster when running away screaming than these things. Either that or they weren’t trying hard.”

  “No idea yet on that, Pierre. Magdalena, how are you?”

  “Ah, I’m fine,” she said. “I’ll go assist Doctor Hernandez.”

  “Works for me. Doreen, Irving?”

  “We’re okay, Kitty.” Doreen sounded shaken. I could hear Ezra crying. “I think Irving needs stitches, though.”

  “Good lord. They sent these as presents? For an infant? What’s wrong with the people on Alpha Four? Are they all crazy, is that it?”

  “Don’t know, baby. We left, remember?”

  “Geez, you sure it wasn’t actually intelligent choice, versus exile?”

  White laughed. “They’re not that bad once you get used to them.”

  “Cannot, literally, wait.” Our two birds were still sitting, looking around for what they could destroy, at least if I was any judge of avian behavior. “You know, around Earth, the only peregrines we have are falcons. These don’t look like falcons.”

  “They’re guardians, bred for both beauty and protection.” White still sounded unperturbed. “They’re quite a lovely gift.”

  “Oh, yes, lovely. We have at least half of east halour staff nursing wounds, but they’re great.” I went into the bathroom and got some things to take care of Jeff’s variety of cuts. The Poofs were still gr
owling. “By the way, Richard, why do the Poofs hate the Peregrines?”

  “Job rivalry.”

  “Oh, you have got to be kidding me!”

  Jeff winced as I put some salve on the biggest cut. “I hate that stuff you humans use.”

  “Oh, my big baby.” I kissed his arm. “There, does that make it better?”

  He gave me the jungle cat smile, bent and kissed me full on the mouth. “That makes it better,” he purred as he pulled away from me.

  I tended to the rest of his thankfully minor wounds, then we sat back down on the bed, staring at the Peregrines. “Richard, are the colored ones the males and the white ones the females?”

  “Yes, well done, Missus Martini.”

  “I did amazingly well in my animal life sciences courses in college. So we have, what, thirteen mated pairs?”

  “I believe we have twelve pairs. Enough to start a new flock, yes.” White didn’t sound perturbed. I decided not to ask who’d lucked out into not getting the special avian present right now.

  “Guys, I’m thinking two words here—Washington Zoo. We make a lovely donation of, erm, native birds, and maybe the dirty pictures and whatever else is coming won’t matter.”

  “You’ll hurt Alexander’s feelings to no end,” White said.

  “Richard, where in God’s name are we going to keep them? They’re big-ass birds! We don’t have an aviary, let alone a yard. Bellie taking up my entire living room is already more bird than I want in here. And, lest anyone other than me not realize it, birds are dirty. Unlike Poofs and cats, who understand the concept of the litter box, or dogs who can learn to hold it for their walkies, birds crap wherever, whenever.”

  “Bellie doesn’t,” Jeff said. “But I agree—she’s different.”

  Now wasn’t the time to mention how different Bellie appeared to be. She was also still silent, which I was sure was because she was still afraid. I couldn’t ignore that. “Jeff, get her and a perch and get her into the nursery with the other terrified animals.”

  He gave me a quick kiss and hypersped off. He came back and edged around the Peregrines. Bellie was on the perch, huddled. The Peregrines turned and stared at her. Bellie stared back. The Peregrines stared harder, clearly sharing that they could stare like this for days. Bellie looked away.

  I closed my dropped jaw as Jeff came out of the nursery, shutting the door behind him. “I’ll move the dog beds in there later. The animals are terrified.”

  “Who can blame them?”

  There was a knock at our door. Jeff went to answer it while I did a very slow version of the Mommy Dance. Jamie was calming down now that the horrid screeching birds weren’t attacking her father, but she was still crying, albeit quietly. Jeff came back with Tito and everyone else in tow. They’d brought all the birds with them.

  “Wow, great. So I get to have two dozen of these things in here with my baby? You’re all thinking, good, good.”

  “We just don’t want to let them out of our sight,” Christopher said, snark on full, Patented Glare #5 going strong. I couldn’t really blame him. “Where’s your Glock? I’m open to just shooting them. Maybe they cook up nicely.”

  Tito sighed. “We can’t get rid of them.” He handed a card to Jeff. “This came on my set.”

  Jeff read it aloud. “Doctor, please be aware that these birds provide more than protection and beauty. They are considered essential in helping the particularly talented deal with their gifts.”

  We were all quiet. “Richard, did you know that?” I asked finally.

  “It’s considered what you’d call an old wives’ tale,” White said. “However, my father did have a pair of Peregrines. They were killed by the King’s order when he was exiled to Earth.”

  Interesting. I moved a little closer to the birds. The white one that had come in our special Box o’ Fun craned her neck up. I squatted down and let her look at Jamie. I was enhanced—I could get us away from the birds if they tried anything.

  But the birds tried nothing. The white one looked at Jamie and cooed. Jamie stopped crying. The bird cooed again, and Jamie giggled. The bird extended her neck slowly and put her head down so her beak was pointing at the floor and the top of her head was right by Jamie.

  Jamie reached out and patted the bird, then squealed with what certainly sounded like joy. The bird put her head up and gave me a look that clearly said I could take the clue and relax now.

  “Huh. Um, good Peregrines.” Got happy bird looks. At least I chose to think they were happy. Who could really tell with birds? “Richard, truly, where in God’s name are we going to put these things?”

  He studied them. White resembled Timothy Dalton, only a little younger and hotter. He made the Thinking Frowny-Face, which reminded me of when James Bond was deciding on whether or not the minor evil henchman needed to be taught a lesson or killed for expediency’s sake. “We need to convert part of the Embassy into an aviary,” he said finally.

  “You’re kidding. Who has an aviary in an Embassy? And where would we put them, anyway?” White looked at me and shrugged. “Richard, you’re not serious. I realize this place is humongous, but what if the future Ambassadors don’t want to keep these things?”

  “The future Ambassadors will be A-Cs, either by birth or marriage. Therefore, they will want to keep the new Royal Flock in good stead.” He was serious.

  “They aren’t going in our living quarters.” Jeff had his Commander voice back on full.

  White shrugged. “They do need sunlight.”

  “Buy up the building next door and gut it.”

  “You’re kidding,” Jeff said.

  I pondered. “Actually, no, I’m not.”

  Christoph

  er nodded. “For this areaFor this, it’s dirt cheap, too.”

  “I don’t want to know.” I didn’t. The A-Cs treated money the way probably everyone should—as a tool. They were extremely casual when they dropped huge sums that made me physically ill to even think about.

  “It would ensure we didn’t have neighbors we don’t like,” Doreen said. “But it might make us stand out too much. The last thing we want is to be showy in the wrong ways. That draws the wrong kind of attention.”

  I looked at the birds. They looked back. “Not if we turn it into a gift.”

  Yi

  CHAPTER 26

  “PARDON?” DOREEN SOUNDED CONFUSED. I looked around. Okay, unsurprisingly, everyone was looking confused. Well, everyone other than Chuckie. He looked rather proud. I didn’t let it go to my head.

  “If we buy the building, we say we’re doing it to help the economy. We earn the current owner’s gratitude and sound like we really care about moving the ol’ dollars around. Then, we turn it into an aviary that’s also a park or museum or something. Where people can, for a small fee, come in to view the lovely birdies and such. We make income, which we can in turn donate to the zoo or something, meaning that we come under nonprofit status, which is advantageous. We house the Peregrines safely, don’t piss off Alpha Four, come across as total caring folks from wherever the hell everyone thinks we’re from, and extend our real estate holdings. Good from both a financial and public relations viewpoint. In fact, if we do it right, the tax benefits alone could pay for itself, potentially with profit.”

  Everyone stared at me, some with open mouths. Other than Chuckie, who was in the back of the group. He applauded silently. I managed not to laugh.

  “Peregrines got your tongues?” I had to say something. Or get offended by their expressions.

  “Just shocked to hear those words coming out of your mouth,” Christopher said finally. “They sounded so mature and professional. Are you feeling okay?”

  I shrugged. “So glad I appear to be a moron to the people closest to me. What you all choose to forget is that I have a degree in business, and one of my best friends happens to be a self-made millionaire many times over via entrepreneurship and the stock market both. I did pick up a couple of pointers along the way.”

&n
bsp; Everyone turned and looked at Chuckie. He grinned and shrugged. “I’m always so happy when I discover she was paying attention all this time. Kitty’s right, it’s a sound financial investment that will double as a great way to house your ever-growing menagerie without creating too much talk.”

  Jeff groaned. “You have to be kidding me, Reynolds. Richard, what do you think?”

  White cleared his throat. “I believe listening to Mister Reynolds is in our best interests. As your wife so succinctly put it, he’s made his money the American way, and we would be remiss if we didn’t follow his guidance.”

  “Then that’s settled.” And it might mean I could move Bellie off into the other building, too. This was definitely a big selling point for me. “So, what did everyone else’s gift cards say?”

  “Ours said something similar to yours and Tito’s card,” Doreen said. “Congratulations on the birth of your baby, keep the birds around.”

  “Mine came with instructions for how to use the birds for security purposes,” Walter said. He’d joined us, too, which was a rarity. I had the feeling Walter wanted his set of birds not only out of his Security Command Center but never returning.

  “Richard?”

  “My note was personal in nature, Missus Martini.” White gave me a small smile.

  I thought about it. I also noted that Nurse Carter was standing near White. And she’d sounded pretty calm. The only one who’d been calmer had been White. Because he’d understood how to handle the birds. And he’d been the one to tell me we had twelve pairs, when we really should have had thirteen, based on room occupancy.

  “Magdalena, did you get a set of birds?”

  She looked uncomfortable. “No, I didn’t. At least, I don’t believe I did.”

  “All the birds are here, Chief,” Walter said. “I verified before I came up.”

  Chuckie looked like he was really trying not to laugh. I looked at Jeff. He looked surprised but rather pleased. Suspicions confirmed. “Safe to say you were likely included in the gift and the note, is that right, Magdalena?”