Alien vs. Alien

by Gini Koch

  Jeff sighed. “What’s going on?”

  I gave up and didn’t even pretend I had no idea. “They’re arguing. The Poofs don’t want to do what the Peregrines are suggesting.” The male Peregrine I knew was ours, specifically, looked straight at me. “Oh. Um, Poofies? I know you’re all jealous. But the Peregrines are clear—Poofies were here first, and everyone loves the Poofies, so the Peregrines will berines wi good. But my Poofies have to be good, too.”

  Several Poofs detached from the Poof side of the room and bounded over to the Lewises. “We already have our own Poofs,” Denise reminded us.

  The Poofs jumped onto their shoulders, purred, and disappeared. “Um, now I think you have more. So that Raymond and Rachel won’t need to worry. They’ll have their Peregrines and several Poofs. Nothing’s going to get any of the kids, not with Poofs and Peregrines on the job, right?”

  There was much head bobbing and wing flapping from the flock and a lot of purring from the Poofs.

  “Well done, Missus Martini,” White said. “Now, children, it’s late and we were all awakened rather rudely. Let’s deal with everything else in the morning, including moving new residents in more permanently and so forth.”

  “Dulce will continue to monitor the Embassy,” Gladys shared. I’d forgotten she was still on the com. “Will alert Embassy personnel if the Peregrines attack. Or if any more show up.”

  “Great, Gladys,” Jeff said. “Thanks. And good night.”

  “Dulce out.”

  Everyone took this as their cue to go back to their beds. Walter’s Peregrines went with him, which was interesting. He wasn’t a little kid, so I figured they were the flock’s version of Security. Which potentially meant the pair with Walter were even more badass than the rest of the flock. Something to contemplate. Tomorrow.

  Jeff, Jamie, and I walked down the hall to one of the smaller bedrooms, meaning it was easily as large as my entire apartment had been, back before it had been blown up by my first megalomaniac enemy, aka Ronaldo al Dejahl’s father. The remaining members of the flock followed us.

  “Peregrines, in here. You sleep in here. Don’t destroy anything. Use the toilet. Flush. Or something.” Jeff shook his head. “I’m reduced to giving orders to birds. How did we end up here, baby?”

  “No clue. Can we go back to bed now?”

  The Peregrines filed into the room, flew on top of the bed and settled down. All but one that was clearly on guard duty. Jeff started to close the door and the bird screeched.

  “Huh.” Jeff closed the door. All the birds started screeching. Great soundproofing or not, apparently a flock of Peregrines could be heard no matter what. He opened the door. Instant quiet. “Wonderful. If I find you’ve destroyed or messed on anything, you’ll all be dinner.”

  We went back to our bedroom and checked on our Earth animals. They were all huddled together, other than Bellie, who was clinging to her perch. “Wow. The pets don’t like the Peregrines, do they? I wonder why not. They’re really just big birds.”

  Bellie looked up. “Bigger birds are coming! Bigger birds are coming!” She didn’t sound happy about it. At all.

  “Bellie, is that one of Daddy’s secrets?”

  “Daddy’s secrets will help bigger birds! Bellie loves Jeff.”

  “Jeff loves Bellie,” he said soothingly. He moved the Poof Condos back into os back iur room, taking time to pet each Poof. While I held Jamie, Jeff got the cats and petted them, then put them into the biggest Poof Condo.

  He ended up picking up each dog, too, even Dudley—and picking up a Great Dane was never for the faint of heart or weak of back—and putting them into their beds. I’d never seen my animals this scared.

  Bellie’s perch was the last to move. “You okay with her being in the room with us?” he asked me.

  I didn’t care much for her, but it was obvious the bird was still terrified. “Yes, it’s okay. She’s too scared to be out in the living room, and I don’t think she should be in the nursery alone, either. I assume Jamie’s going to spend the rest of the night in bed with us?”

  “You know it.” Jeff put Bellie’s perch next to a Poof Condo. “Bellie needs to be nice to all the other animals,” he said to her.

  “I’m not positive the cats won’t try to eat her, though.”

  Jeff coughed. “Ah, they tried that already. She’s a lot like you—quite the fighter.”

  “So that’s why the other pets got moved out of the bedroom?”

  “Somewhat.”

  “You know, I’d argue about this, but since we have two dozen Peregrines, give or take, down the hall, I’m just going to opt for going to bed and hoping our Animal Kingdom remains peaceful.”

  We got into bed. Jeff put up a pillow barrier on one side so that

  Jamie couldn’t roll off the bed. Then I wrapped around her and he wrapped around me.

  “You know, this was an insane day and an even crazier night, but it’s so nice to be snuggled together like this again that I frankly don’t care about all the rest of the crap.”

  Jeff chuckled. “And here I’d thought you’d only missed the great sex.”

  “Oh, trust me, I missed that more than anything. In fact, I’m kind of bitter that tonight’s events have ensured we can’t fool around a little more right now.”

  Jeff kissed the side of my head. “That’s what tomorrow’s for.”

  Yi

  CHAPTER 29

  THE NEXT MORNING WAS PRETTY GOOD. The Peregrines hadn’t destroyed too much in the bedroom. By that I mean they’d chosen to use the room’s bathtub to do their thing and otherwise hadn’t clawed up the furniture, drapes, or carpeting. Jeff wasn’t amused, but we had nowhere else to put them yet.

  Jamie was sleeping through the night now, but the disruption from the night before meant she was a tired, cranky girl when I woke her up for breakfast. We fed her, then Jeff rocked her back to sleep and put her down into her crib.

  This enabled us to have yet more sex. I was great with this. Whoever was once again after mPy husband wasn’t going to get him without a lot of pain from me. I’d spent a month without Jeff. I refused to spend longer without him.

  Once all of us were up for the second time, we were able to really get up and get going. Jeff had work I couldn’t know about to do, but that was fine. I had my own little team, and we had an investigative reporter to round up, a senator to grab, and some special K-9 cops to visit. My day was going to be plenty full.

  Jeff put Bellie back into her enclosure. She seemed better today than she had last night. The cats and most of the Poofs stayed in the bedroom. The team Walter had assigned to take care of the dogs arrived, and the dogs practically killed them with love and excitement to leave.

  The Peregrine situation was explained to the agents, along with their additional Peregrine cleanup duties. They looked as excited as we felt. I figured it made taking care of the dogs look better. Hey, I was all about the ridiculous optimism sometimes.

  “I really hope the Peregrines and the pets get comfortable together. The dogs and cats had no issues at all with the Poofs.”

  “Don’t know what to tell you baby. Maybe it’s because the birds are large and not cuddly at all.”

  “And we have twelve breeding pairs—we could start the Attack Peacock Breeding Program.”

  “Maybe that’s what Alexander wants. Who knows?” He kissed me. “Shall I take Jamie down to Denise on my way?”

  “Nah, I’ll do it. I may keep her with me today anyway.”

  “Don’t take her into any dangerous situations.”

  “I won’t. I’m just not sure she should spend all day with Denise right now. A few hours here and there when nothing much is going on is fine, but all I’m going to do is visit people who aren’t going to attack her.”

  Jeff grunted. “I’ll give you that Senator Armstrong isn’t going to do anything to our child, at least not that we could prove.”

  “Right. We’ll be fine, Jeff, I promise.”

  He sig
hed. “Fine, baby. Be sure to call or scream emotionally if you need me.”

  “You know I will.”

  “I know trouble finds you without any effort on your part.” But he stopped arguing, gave Jamie more snuggles, me another kiss, then headed downstairs.

  I finished getting dressed. It was springtime now, so it was nice out. I put on my Converse, a pair of comfy jeans, and one of my many Aerosmith shirts. Things were always better with my boys on my chest. I brought along my zippered Lifehouse hooded sweat jacket, because it could still get too cold for me here, and besides, I liked to ensure I had my rock bases covered.

  I packed up what Jamie would need and got her stroller out. It was top of the line, a baby gift from Reader. He’d also had every known A-C bell and whistle added onto it, including a laser shield. That had saved not only my and Jamie’s lives, but the lives of the boys and Mr. Joel Oliver, too. Operation Assassination had certainly been explosion-filled.

  I settled Jamie intoed Jamie the stroller so that she was sitting up but protected by the sunshade. Hung the diaper bag on one strong hook, put my purse over the hook on the other side, draped my jacket over the sunshade.

  I was ready to call for the boys when something cooed. It was right by my side. The male Peregrine I was pretty sure had been sent to me, specifically, was there. He looked as though he had every intention of accompanying us on our constitutional.

  “You are staying here.”

  I got another coo and a hurt look.

  “I’m going to pay a call on Capitol Hill. I think. But they don’t let animals in.”

  Another hurt look, and a pointed look into the stroller to stare at the Poofs.

  “They’re smaller. They look like stuffed animals. No one notices. They also can disappear if necessary.”

  More pointed staring, at the Poofs and me. The bird for sure looked as if its feelings were being hurt.

  “It’s not safe out there for you.”

  Got a bird look saying if it wasn’t safe for a Peregrine, it certainly wasn’t safe for me or Jamie.

  “Animal Control will take you away.”

  Really felt the bird was telling me Animal Control could feel free to “bring it.”

  “Oh, this sucks. Com on! Walter, can you connect me to Mister White?”

  “Yes, Chief. Go ahead.”

  “Missus Martini, how goes your morning?”

  “I have a Peregrine refusing to leave my side, Mister White.”

  “They are loyal.”

  “They are a problem. I’m getting ready to gather you and the boys so we can put our plan of talking to Mister Joel Oliver, Senator Armstrong, and our friends in the K-9 squad into action. I’m bringing Jamie along, and we have three attack Poofs with us. I think we’re safe. Bruno the Peregrine Enforcer, however, feels otherwise.”

  White coughed. “Is, ah, Bruno standing there with you?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  He sighed. “Like the Poofs. . . .”

  I looked down. “Bruno?”

  The Peregrine bobbed his head, fluffed his feathers, and gave a manly coo.

  “He likes it. Bruno it is. But Bruno has to stay here, guarding the manse. I can’t go to visit Senator Armstrong to discuss faked dirty pictures with a humongous bird strolling alongside like it’s a Labrador.”

  “Actually, you can. I’ll be right up.”

  I eyed Bruno while we waited. He seemed quite pleased with himself. I wondered what his mate was called. “Your woman would probably prefer that you stay here with her.”

  Bruno gave me a look that indicated his woman felt the execution of his assig of his ned duties was paramount. I wondered how I’d gone from no idea what went on in a bird’s mind to having one-sided yet comprehensible conversations with a space avian.

  There was a knock at the door. Bruno went with me to open it. Just like a dog. White was standing there. He looked ready to head out, too. That was good. Right now, nothing else was, so I was happy for any small victory.

  “Richard, oh, my God. This is a nightmare.”

  Bruno ruffled his feathers and gave a quiet squawk. It was clear that I’d insulted him.

  “Sorry, Bruno. I just wasn’t prepared for your arrival.”

  Bruno nudged his head against my leg, indicating that he knew I was stressed and all was forgiven.

  I looked back at White. “Richard, I’m losing it. I swear to you I’m having conversations with Bruno.”

  He nodded. “I’m sure you are.”

  “Oh, I hate it when I make an insane comment and someone says it’s natural.”

  White shook his head. “Probably not natural. As I said last night, it’s likely your talent.”

  “I know you said that last night. And it sounds as ridiculous this morning as it did then. I may be mutated, but how in the world would I inherit some bizarre Doctor Doolittle talent? I’ve never heard anyone mention speaking with the animals as an A-C talent.”

  He sighed. “It’s not. Which proves my point.”

  “Not to me. At all. Clueless as to how you’re making this leap.”

  “I realize you don’t have what we’d call standard A-C talents. However, you have a natural affinity for animal sciences and an ability to control animal behaviors.”

  “Have you seen my dogs and cats? Because no one but my mother controls their animal behaviors, least of all me.”

  “A-C animal behaviors. You control the Poofs.”

  “They’re guardians.”

  “As we also said last night, they normally only take direction from the head Poof. However, they all take direction from you, and have since they first arrived on Earth. Very rare, believe me. Why do you think Gladys doesn’t feel the Poofs are safe? Under normal working conditions, the Poofs make the decision to, ah, eat or not.”

  I thought about this. When we’d taken on the old, nasty King of Alpha Four, I hadn’t asked the Poofs to protect me when Adolphus had attacked me—they’d done it on their own, hence why Adolphus was no more. But they’d also done anything I’d asked them to, including eat up all the former Diplomatic Corps. Hey, I wasn’t wild about people who took my men—all my men—and tortured them.

  “Well, maybe they’re just always in agreement with me.”

  “Maybe so. Perhaps they’re in agreement with you, Missus Martini, because you talk to them in the right way.”

  “Wonderful. So, you’re saying that because I’ve mutated, said mutation has increased my sensiased my tivity or whatever to A-C animals, and so I can understand them and they can, therefore, understand me?” I thought about it. “Even better than they already understood me, since they understood me before. Right?”

  “Well put. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. For all we know, it may extend to Earth animals as well.”

  “Fabulous, and we’ll see. I’m more concerned with Bruno staying home. We need to get a move on.”

  White nodded. “Understood. Why don’t you ask, ah, Bruno if he would be willing to go invisible?”

  “Oh, no. Really? They go invisible? And this is normal on your planet?”

  “Somewhat. These are Royal Guardians. I call it invisible, but it’s more that they have the ability to blend in with whatever their surroundings are.”

  I groaned. “They’re chameleons.” I looked around. “How many of them are out here, hanging where I can’t see them, pretending to be a chair or something?”

  “None, since you’re not in danger.” White took my arm and started to push the stroller out of our rooms. Bruno cooed at him and trotted out with us.

  “Bruno still looks like an attack peacock.”

  “Explain the situation to him.”

  I sighed. “Bruno, my man, bird, whatever, if you are going to force yourself upon me, then no one can see you, okay? We’re not on Alpha Four. On Earth, humongous birds such as yourself live in zoos. They don’t waltz around like pets. So, if you plan on waltzing, do it chameleon style.”

  Bruno bobbed his head, waited until
I was looking right at him, and winked.

  “Richard? He winked at me.”

  “Good. You and Bruno have clearly bonded. This is good.” We were in the elevator. Bruno flapped up onto the handle of the stroller.

  “Bruno, um, hard to push with you here. And, seriously, if you poop or whatever on my Converse, my Lifehouse jacket, or, God help you, my Aerosmith shirt, you’re dinner, bond or no bond.”

  Bruno fluffed his feathers to indicate he was more than house-trained. He also didn’t move. He looked around, pointedly.

  “Okay, fine. I understand. It’s easier to see and be on guard. Fine, fine. If you’d prefer, you can perch on the front end, but if you poop on Jamie you are a dead bird.”

  Got the cooing and head bobbing. Bruno was fine with where he was perched, thank you very much.

  “Richard, I don’t think I can take this.”

  “Missus Martini, in my experience, there’s nothing you are unable to handle. I already advised Len and Kyle to meet us.”

  The elevator doors opened. Sure enough, the boys were there, ready to go. They gaped at us.

  “If you need to walk around with a pet, much as I hate to say it, the dogs are a better choice,” Len said.

  “I thought you said they could go invisible go invi.”

  White sighed. “They can. Why would Bruno waste the effort while we’re within the Embassy?”

  “Oh. Good point.”

  “They can go invisible?” Kyle didn’t sound like this was an exciting bit of news.

  “Apparently. And Bruno here is coming with us. Look at it this way—we’ll certainly be able to surprise Mister Joel Oliver. For once.”

  Len shook his head as we reached the front door. “I’m not worried about him. Or even the senator. I’m wondering what the K-9 dogs are going to do.”

  We all exchanged a look. “Wow. We are so screwed.” I sighed. “Or, as we like to call it, routine. So, let’s get going and see how bizarre today’s going to end up.”

  Yi