The Thunderproof Sky

by Loretta Lost

  I put a hand on my chest, where I feel like my heart is breaking.

  I have been wondering how long I could remain being me, Snow—how long I could keep control of the body, control of my life. I can feel it slipping away from me, and I know that someone else is waiting in the ranks. Either that, or I’m about to drop dead right here on the sidewalk.

  My shoulders shake with a violent sob.

  It is only then I realize that tears are pouring out of my eyes, as my body slumps against the ground. I find myself on my side, shaking and sobbing, gasping for air.

  Cole moves to my side. He is speaking to me, and touching me, but I cannot hear him against the ringing in my ears.

  I try to move my head slightly, so that I can look at him.

  I am afraid it is the last time I will ever see him, for my vision is fading fast.

  Will I disappear forever, like Serena did? Is this the end?

  Cole is crouching over me, as my head spins and I stare up at the sky. Levi and Priya, and other parents are moving closer to check on me. I reach up to grasp the collar of Cole’s shirt, as I feel consciousness slip away from me.

  And I don’t care.

  I don’t deserve to be alive.

  “Cole,” I whisper. “That’s Joy.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  When the alarm pings to wake me up, I squint to see the beautiful waterfront view just outside our bedroom. Scarlett is already awake, doing yoga and stretching in the darkness of the morning. I can see the silhouette of her body moving against the waves in the background. I stare for a few seconds, until she notices me and stops, and moves over to the bed to place a kiss on my cheek.

  “Good morning,” she says softly.

  “Hey,” I tell her with a yawn. “You couldn’t sleep?”

  “No, just worrying about the presentation.”

  “You have barely been sleeping for days, Scar.”

  “I know. Just a lot on my mind.

  “Don’t worry, you’re going to nail it,” I assure her.

  She lies down beside me and snuggles in the nook of my arm. “Thank you. I hope so.”

  I feel a little nervous about being closer to her right now, so I pull away abruptly. Today is a big day at work, and I can’t afford to relax right now. I can’t be lazy, and stay in bed snuggling all day. I need to get up and get going.

  Moving to the bathroom, I quickly brush my teeth and shower, and shave my face, all on autopilot while thinking about how I’m going to handle the day ahead. When I grab my towel and dry off, moving into our walk in closet, I see that Scarlett has already put on her dress and heels, and selected a purse. She is struggling to zip up her dress when I walk in, and she glances at me.

  “Can you help with this?”

  I move over and grasp the zipper, but when I try to pull, it won’t move. “Isn’t this the dress you wore to the charity event?” I ask her.

  “Yeah. Am I gaining weight?” she asks. “What the hell?”

  “It’s fine around the waist,” I tell her. “Just up here around the chest area.”

  “Just really give it a good yank,” she says, and I comply.

  The zipper goes up, but she frowns as she looks at herself in the mirror. “Maybe I’m just retaining water before my period.”

  “That makes sense,” I tell her as I select my own tie and suit.

  “Actually, I might be a little late,” she admits. “Probably just the stress of preparing all this paperwork for the new investor. My body has felt all kinds of fucked up, lately.”

  “You’re late?” I ask her.

  “Yeah. But it happens sometimes, no big deal. Besides—I’ve been so busy lately, I haven’t had sex in a million years, so no worries there.”

  I watch her grab a scarf and a blazer, and spritz herself with perfume. She doesn’t seem to care that I am watching her, as we have done this a thousand times. I find myself suddenly very tongue-tied.

  “Actually, Scarlett…”

  She is walking to the door when she turns back to me. Her face displays a tiny twitch of recognition. “What?” she says softly. “What is it Cole?”

  I stare at her, trying to find the words, but I don’t want to upset her.

  “Oh my god, stop looking at me like that. What’s going on? Cole!”

  “Do you remember a few weeks ago, when we were out celebrating the completion of the hotel?”

  “Yes. What about it?”

  I swallow. “You had a few drinks that night. We both did.”

  She stares at me, unblinking.

  “I don’t have time for this,” she says suddenly. “I can’t be worried about this. I have the meeting. I have the presentation. They flew in all the way from Dubai to meet with us.”

  “Do you want to sit down for a second?” I ask her, gesturing to the large, tufted ottoman in the center of the closet.

  “No, I do not want to fucking sit down.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I had like one drink. This is insane. It’s impossible. I don’t remember any…”

  “You don’t remember a lot of things, Scarlett.”

  She lowers her eyes.

  She is quiet for a moment. “I have been feeling a little off. Not experiencing any nausea.”

  “It’s okay,” I assure her. “Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay.”

  The truth is that I’d probably had a lot more to drink than her that night. The party was held in the hotel lobby of the structure we’d just finished building. Someone must have said something upsetting to Scarlett at some point, and Snow popped out without me realizing it. She said she had something important to show me, and led me into the elegant, marble-covered bathroom, and locked the door.

  “You’re a fancy, bigshot architect now, Cole,” she’d said as she kissed me. “Let’s celebrate. Everything is so shiny and new, and you made it all by yourself.”

  “Not all by myself,” I said, lifting her onto the edge of the marble countertop. “You helped me. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you.”

  “Yeah, sure. You’re a genius. And so, so sexy in this super expensive suit,” she said playing with my tie, wrapping it around her wrist. “I want you, Cole. Right now. Get your pants off.”

  I fumbled in the pockets of the suit, realizing I had just picked it up from the dry cleaners. “I don’t have anything.”

  “Who cares,” Snow had whispered, kicking off her high heels as she wrapped her legs around me. “We’re super rich now. Live a little dangerously with me.”

  Remembering this is giving me nausea, with the possible implications. I had nearly forgotten, too, due to my drunken state. The hotel was a big project, and by the time we got to completion, I had been so exhausted and high strung that I had gotten really wasted at that party.

  Everyone had been wasted, even Miranda. We needed that release, after all the sleepless nights and impossibly long hours. I needed that release with Snow.

  “Do these seem bigger?” Scarlett asks, poking at her chest. “They feel painful.”

  I nod. “Yeah. You’re totally squished into that dress.”

  “Fuck.”

  “It’s okay,” I tell her. “Please don’t worry about anything. If you want to stay home and skip the presentation…”

  “Why would I skip the presentation? I just gained a cup size, which will surely make everything I say far more convincing. I’ll have them eating out of my hands.”

  I laugh lightly, watching as she examines her body in the mirror. She lifts her hand, and she begins counting on her fingers, trying to figure out how late her period might be. “Fuck,” she whispers again.

  “Just try to ignore it for now,” I tell her.

  “What?”

  “Focus on the presentation, and we’ll figure things out later.”

  “Later?”

  “Yeah. Don’t worry, Scar. We can handle it, okay? We’ll deal with it later.”

  She turns around and looks at me. “Handle it?
” she snaps. “Deal with it?”

  “Yes. Later,” I tell her, moving over and giving her a hug. I press my face into her hair, inhaling the scent of her body. “Try to relax. I know you haven’t been sleeping. Let’s just get through this day.”

  “Are you even my boyfriend, Cole?” she whispers.

  She hasn’t asked about this in a while.

  “I don’t know,” I respond. “Am I?”

  “I’m asking you,” she says stubbornly.

  I hate that word. Boyfriend. It’s so small, and pathetic, and pales in comparison to what I want to be to her.

  “We’ll talk about this later, when we get home from work. I promise. Just wait until later, okay?”

  “Later,” she repeats absentmindedly. “Later.”

  Something seems a little strange about the way she is staring into space.

  “Scar?” I ask her, with concern.

  Her eyes change instantly, like a flip is being switched. She goes from being distant and empty to happy and cheerful.

  “It’s probably nothing. I’ve been eating a lot of junk lately. A lot of burgers and fries. You don’t have to worry about anything, Cole.”

  “I’m not worried,” I tell her.

  “Let’s take separate cars to work today. I’m in the mood for driving.”

  “Okay,” I say in confusion.

  “I’ll see you at the office. And we’ll talk tonight, I guess. Or at some point in the future.” She spritzes herself with perfume and leaves.

  I didn’t know that she would never be coming home that night. I didn’t know that it was the last time she would kiss me good morning or snuggle up next to me before work, or ask me to zip up her dress.

  I didn’t know that this day, and a single word I foolishly spoke, would ruin the next four years of my life. I didn’t know I’d be coming home to an empty house tonight, and every night, from this point onward. I didn’t know just how cold and lonely even the most gorgeous architecture can be, when the person you’ve designed it for no longer lives there. I didn’t know how painful it can be to look at a closet filled with someone’s belongings, every single morning, and not be able to run my hands over the warm body beneath the fabric.

  And somehow, the scent of her perfume always lingered in the air, driving me mad, making me think she was just around the corner, about to come back to me.

  I didn’t know I was about to lose everything.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  “It is obvious that your company has a bright future, Mrs. Hunter. We can’t wait to invest with you and your husband.”

  “Thank you so much!”

  I shook all the hands and smiled all the smiles. I looked like a million bucks in my fancy clothes, and painfully squished boobs, but I couldn’t wait to get out of that place. Cole seemed really happy about the new investor, and I left him with them, signing the papers and sealing the deal.

  It just didn’t seem to matter to me anymore. I left the office in my crappy little car and drove home. But once I was there, all I wanted to do was close the garage door, leave my car running, and go to sleep. I had to force myself to walk out of the car, but I could not walk into the house.

  I found myself walking out into the street, still in my work clothes and heels. I walked and walked until I found a busy intersection, and I just stood there for a while, gazing out into traffic numbly.

  I am not sure how long I stand here before I feel a sudden craving for food, and I find myself walking to a nearby food truck. I order the fish tacos, even though I really don’t like fish. When the tacos are in my hand, I see a bus stopping at a bus stop nearby. I get a strange urge to go onto the bus, so I do.

  My legs seem to be moving on their own, without my permission.

  As I sit on the bus, eating my tacos, I find myself mumbling to myself softly. “Later.” I look down at my taco, as it disappears into my stomach. There are only a few bites left. “Later. We’ll talk later.” I stare forward, knowing very well that I’ve been listening to Cole say that word to me for a decade.

  All of a sudden, I feel the world growing very dark and heavy.

  When I open my eyes, it has changed from day to night.

  I am no longer sitting in the bus. I am standing in the middle of a crowded mall. I am still hungry. I lift my hand to my face, to take a bite of my taco, but I find that my taco is no longer in my hand.

  I find myself moving forward, in search of more food, unsure of how much time has passed. When I see a happy couple walking together, holding hands and laughing, I smile.

  “Later,” I whisper.

  I move through the mall to the food court, and look around at the selections. There’s Chinese, Thai, KFC… I don’t really care. I move forward, and order something, anything.

  Then, when I look down at the food I have ordered, I suddenly don’t feel hungry anymore.

  I toss it out in the trash bin, as I walk out of the mall.

  “Later,” I tell myself.

  When I wake up on the cold pavement, I stand up to see that I am outside a gas station. I stare at it for several minutes, before walking inside. My head really hurts. I notice that I am wearing strange clothing I did not put on. My heels are gone, and replaced with running shoes. My dress is gone, and replaced with jeans and a t-shirt. Did someone undress me and put new clothes on me?

  It’s just stress. It’s just stress from the presentation.

  Glancing at my phone, I see a few missed calls and texts from Cole, wondering if I’m okay.

  I text him that I’m fine.

  For several minutes, I stare at the items on the shelves of the gas station convenience store.

  I purchase some Advil and a pregnancy test. Then I walk out of the gas station, and into the night, and I just keep walking.

  When I open my eyes, I am startled to find myself sitting on a toilet—but I am fully clothed. There is something in my hand. I lift the small plastic stick and stare at the two pink lines.

  I drop the stick, like it’s made of fire.

  Snapping out of my stupor, I stand up, and grab my purse, and step out of the bathroom stall. When I leave the bathroom, I realize that I am in an airport. I lift a hand to my chest, for my heart has started beating really erratically at the sight of the bustling airport.

  But also, two lines of the pregnancy test are burned into my brain.

  “Maybe later,” I whisper. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  Reaching into my pocket, I pull a piece of paper out and find a plane ticket.

  When did I buy a plane ticket?

  This time, I wake up on the side of a highway, to the sound of cars rushing by me. I immediately start crying. This has gone too far, and this is much more than stress. Something is very wrong with me.

  I reach into my purse, and consider calling Cole. I stare at his name on the phone for so long, and ache to press it and dial. I do press it, and the phone begins ringing. Then I hang up.

  I shake my head in refusal, dragging myself up to my feet.

  It’s a little difficult to walk on the uneven road surface, because I am wearing high heels again. My feet are aching and sore, but I’ll manage it.

  “Later means never,” I tell myself quietly. “Never. It’s never.”

  I continue walking down the road until I find a small motel. I check in, and walk to my room, and kick off my shoes. I am so tired. I move to the bed, but just as I am falling onto it. My hand darts out to keep me from collapsing onto the mattress.

  I blink, looking around the room. I am too tired for sleep.

  I move to the bathroom and climb into the bathtub with my clothes on. I turn on the water, very, very hot. Scalding hot, but I can barely feel it. Steam rises all around. It soothes me. I plug the hole so the water starts to fill up around me.

  Then, reaching into my purse, I pull out a knife.

  I stare at the blade for a few seconds, before dragging it lightly against my skin, from the wrist to the elbow. It barely creates a thin
line of ruby red liquid.

  This is how I get better rest. This is how I sleep.

  “Never,” I whisper, as I slice my arm open. “Never.”

  I let myself sink back down into the water. It’s peaceful. It’s better than the garage.

  That would have been peaceful, too, but I didn’t want Cole to see me like that.

  “Never,” I say, into the water, letting it fill my mouth.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The water in the bathtub is a hazy red, and I feel like I’m soaking in more blood and tears than water. Looking at my arms in shock, I begin to sob, not quite understanding what is happening to me. I reach out to my purse for my phone. I don’t know who to call. I try to search my memory for someone who cares. Not Cole. Just call anyone else. I dial one of the only numbers I have memorized.

  “Hello! Corsetti’s Flooring and Roofing Installation. How may I direct your call?”

  I’m not sure if this is the right number. I must have memorized it wrong. But I try anyway.

  “I’m looking for Levi,” I whisper.

  “Who should I say is calling?”

  “Scarlett.”

  “Just one moment please.”

  I lean my head on the bathtub, as I wait. I have no faith that it is the correct number. If there is a Levi there, it will probably be the wrong Levi. I don’t recall my friend ever working for a flooring company.

  “Hey, Scar?” comes the familiar voice.

  I sit up, exhaling in relief. “Levi, please help me. Please don’t tell Cole. I need you—I need your help. Something’s happening to me.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I keep blacking out and waking up in strange places. Please, please don’t tell Cole. I’m not… I’m not feeling so good. I think I hurt myself.”

  “Where are you now?”

  “I have no idea. I woke up on the side of the road, and I kept walking and found some random motel. I—I had a fight with Cole. I mean, not a fight. He just said some things, and I can’t go home.”