Say Forever

by Tara West

I heave a sigh. "She told me Karri is letting her adopt Ty."

  Mom sets the fork down as her frown deepens. "Why would Karri give up that beautiful baby?"

  "They're probably paying her a lot of money. Mrs. James seems to love him, but I worry about the drinking. The Cobra was a heavy drinker." I think back to how my adoptive mom was drunk most of my childhood. As I got older, I realized her drinking wasn't just a way to tune out of her own life, but a way to tune out of mine. When she wasn't angry with me over something stupid, she was indifferent to my needs... painfully indifferent. "I don't want Tyler to be treated the way I was."

  Mom folds her hands in front of her. She leans forward, her expression darkening. "No amount of money is more important than your child's happiness."

  Though I agree with her, I also know Karri's addiction to meth is probably worse than Mrs. James's drinking problem. Plus, she'll never be able to provide for him like the James family. "Mom, I think Ty would be less happy with Karri raising him."

  "Will he?" Her bottom lip trembles, and that haunted expression in her eyes is enough to turn my skin cold. "She's going to have regrets. Twenty years from now, she will. Trust me. I know exactly what I'm talking about. You need to talk to your friend."

  I look away from her penetrating gaze. "She's not my friend."

  "Do you still care about that baby?" Her tone is dripping with guilt so thick it rivals the gooey fudge on my brownie.

  "Of course." I know she's right, but after the way Karri betrayed me and her family, I don't know if I can forgive her. I certainly don't want to have a heart-to-heart with her.

  Those dark clouds in my mom's eyes turn thunderous. "He should be given the chance to know his birth mother. It's something I tried to negotiate in the adoption contract, but Vivian and your father refused."

  "Why am I not surprised?" I ask wryly. My poor mom must have been terrified, pregnant at seventeen with no one to take care of her. I'm sure it was easy for my dad and The Cobra to manipulate her into any contract they wanted.

  Mom shoots me a pointed look. "And how does that make you feel?"

  "Angry." My brain feels like it's filling up with steam as I clench my fork so tight, the plastic gives way beneath my grip and breaks with an audible snap.

  "How do you think Ty will feel twenty years from now? I know you don't like Karri, but you need to talk to her."

  She pries the fork from my hand, and something about the gentleness in her smile reminds me of the rainbow and songbirds that come out after a storm. I'm not sure how or where she perfected her calming aura, but I hope I'm half as effective when I'm a mother.

  I nod, letting out a slow exhale. "I will."

  In an instant, the clouds reappear in her eyes as she drops the fork and squeezes my hand tight. "I wish I'd kept you. I really do."

  "Don't do this again, Mom. Please," I say in the sternest voice I can manage.

  She presses her lips together before wiping her eyes with a napkin. "I want you to promise me something."

  "What?"

  "Love your child with all your heart," she says through a sob.

  Dear God. She could have sliced my chest open with a meat cleaver and it would have had the same effect. If she only knew how much I've been resenting this baby these past few days. Despite the knot in my gut which spirals up my torso and snakes a noose around my throat, I barely manage to clear my throat. "I promise."

  ***

  I drop my mom off at her car in the bridal store parking lot, and then I cry my eyes out during most of the hour long drive to Tio's ranch as I think about how selfish I've been about this baby, resenting it for all the problems Andrés and I have had lately. None of this is my baby's fault. None of it. I'm the one who was so wrapped up in my life, I forgot to take my birth control pills. If anyone is to blame, it would be me.

  But whose fault it is doesn't even matter. Andrés and I are going to be parents soon. Life is about to change in a big way for me. Maybe I won't be able to work as many hours as I'd hoped, but what matters first and foremost is that my baby will grow up in a happy, loving home.

  I make a solemn vow to do whatever it takes to make sure my child feels loved and secure, unlike the way I felt growing up. I sniffle loudly and wipe my eyes. I will love my baby. I will.

  And I will love my husband, too. After this weekend, I will start a hunt for a new therapist. I know Andrés can't always get appointments with the VA, and he deserves the very best attention. And if the stress from our baby is causing Andrés to have these bad dreams, I will do whatever it takes to make Andrés's transition easier. But I will never, ever again blame or resent my innocent child because he or she came at the wrong time. Maybe the timing wasn't right, but this child was conceived out of love. And just as I love the father of my child, I will love my child, too. Forever.

  I swear when I pull into the gravel driveway and spy Marie's little BMW parked beside Tia's SUV. I grip my steering wheel, trying to channel all my pent up frustration into that poor, defenseless shiny leather. I straighten my shoulders and clench my jaw as I steel my resolve. I need to talk to Tia, but I guess I've got a few choice words for Marie, too. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.

  I'm not shocked to see Marie open the door, leaning against the doorframe with her attitude locked and loaded. "What do you want?" she asks me in that bitchy tone of hers.

  I march past her and into the kitchen. Tia's already elbow deep in tamales, probably preparing for the Cruz New Year's party. When she looks up, there's no mistaking the shock in her eyes. I hear the door slam, followed by Marie barreling down the hall toward us. I decide to make my move before Marie comes in and infects us all with her bitch virus.

  I walk around the granite countertop and don't give Tia the chance to push me away as I wrap her in a hug. Tia holds her hands up as if I'm pointing a gun at her, and that's when I see her her hands are coated in yellow powder. I pull back and dust flour off my pants. There's banging behind us, and I steal a glance over my shoulder to see Marie violently scrubbing a pot in the sink.

  I do my best to not roll my eyes as I look at Tia. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry your feelings were hurt over this wedding. That was never my intention. But it was also never my intention to let anyone take over my wedding. I let my mom make a lot of decisions for me about the venue and the food. Honestly, I wanted the Cruz family to cater the wedding." I sweep a hand toward the uncooked tamales sitting in a shallow pan. "I love everything Andrés's family cooks." I flash a weary smile. "You know that." I think about mentioning that we might need to use the ranch for the ceremony, but I don't want to grovel. "All I wanted was a simple wedding with tamales and one bridesmaid." I nod toward Marie as she slams an empty pan in the drying rack. "Marie didn't want to be my bridesmaid, anyway."

  Tia grabs a towel off the counter and wipes her hands. She looks at Marie with big, sad eyes and shakes her head. "Yes, she did."

  Marie actually has the nerve to heave a sigh, acting as if I've just broken her heart. Really?

  Anger as thick and toxic as black smoke infuses my skull. I really want to grab those pots and pans and smash them over Marie's head. I think back to those retro movies of Godzilla I watched when I was a kid, and I finally understand how he felt when he smashed up Tokyo. He must have had an annoying family member whose sole purpose was to make his life a living hell.

  "Tia, before you asked Marie to be my bridesmaid, she cornered me in my bedroom and told me I was marrying Andrés for his money."

  Tia's hand flies to her chest. "Marie!"

  I tilt my chin and glare at Marie, who has the nerve to look directly at me with a scowl. "I fell in love with Andrés before I knew he was going to inherit. I am not marrying him for his money. I am marrying him because I love him beyond words. I guess I'm selfish, because I'm not about to lose him because you don't approve."

  To my surprise, Marie casts a woeful look at Tia, who is now glaring at her niece with crossed arms. Then Marie's face twists into a knot befo
re she turns her back on us and quietly washes dishes. Her arms and back are so rigid, she looks like a robot, but I don't care. I've made my point. She'll have to deal with it.

  "And Tia," I say as I put a protective hand over my stomach, "I am pregnant, but I don't think that makes me soiled. I am not ashamed if anyone knows I'm carrying Andrés 's child. This baby is a blessing. I am an artist. I put a lot of time into that dress. Those flowers are an expression of love, not just for my husband, but for our child. I am wearing my gown to my wedding."

  Tia's scowl softens as she leans forward and places a hand over mine. "I understand, and I'm sorry."

  I hug her a second time, and this time she hugs me back.

  "I hope this means you'll come."

  Tia looks at me with smiling eyes. "Of course. I wouldn't miss my sobrino and sobrina's wedding." She bites her lip, flashing a pleading gaze. "So does this mean we can cater it?"

  I laugh. "You know how much I love Cruz tamales."

  Tia turns toward her niece, who is still busy ignoring us. "Marie, you need to apologize. That was a terrible thing you said to Christina."

  Marie drops a pan into the water as her spine stiffens. "Sorry," she huffs without bothering to turn around.

  If Tia's eyes were lasers, they would have burned twin holes into the back of Marie's head. "You will be working on a better apology than that. And you owe Andrés an apology, too, for insulting his bride."

  She ignores Marie's groan and turns to me. "Are you hungry, niña?"

  "I just had lunch with my mom. I have to go. I have one more stop, and I'm already exhausted."

  "Don't wear yourself out too much." She winks and rubs my belly. "Our mama needs plenty of rest."

  "I won't. Thank you, Tia." I leave without saying good-bye to Marie, not that she deserves anything other than a kick in the ass. I smile at the thought. Something tells me she'll be getting a verbal ass kicking after I leave.

  I stumble on my way to my car as a slight wave of dizziness rolls through me. I think about what Tia said about rest, and I tell myself she's right. I need to slow down. But Violet's ranch isn't far from here. One more stop, and then I'm taking the rest of the day off. Maybe I'll read some more baby books. My first OB appointment is next week, and I want to be prepared. I'm determined to put all of my troubles behind me and focus on having a healthy, happy child.

  ***

  Violet's ranch is sprawling with teens. It's been a few months since I visited, and I can't believe how much the place has changed. Violet's grant money recently came through, and there's already a brand new bunkhouse near the main building, and the old run-down barn has new boards and is in the process of getting a fresh paintjob. Many teens armed with rollers and brushes are laughing and joking as they work.

  I admire Violet for what she's trying to do here, and even though I'm still mad at Karri, I'm grateful Violet took her in, too. Violet does have a lot of work on her hands. No wonder Grace has become bitter. I can see managing a group of wayward teens would leave little time for romance.

  I frown. Andrés seems to have a bigger workload each week, and has been coming home later and later. I wonder if his huge workload isn't the underlying cause of his nightmares.

  I find Grace in the main house. She doesn't see me at first as I come in through a side door. She and a teen girl with Goth black hair and too many tattoos to count are bouncing around to Katie Perry while they set vases filled with flowers down the center of the longest dining table I've ever seen. It must seat at least thirty people.

  "Hey, hummingbirds," I say.

  Grace spins around, nearly losing hold of her vase. She sets it down on the table and holds her arms out for a hug. "Christina, you scared me," she laughs.

  I'm surprised by her giddy tone. She's been so depressed over her relationship with Violet. I wonder if something has changed.

  After we exchange an embrace, she asks the teenager to finish up. Then she loops her arm through mine and we go for a stroll through the foyer and out into her small herb garden. Only a few plants are blooming, but the place is even more beautiful than the last time I saw it. A little stone path, lined with several lattice archways, skirts the perimeter. In the center of the garden is a stone birdbath and a freshly painted white bench swing. A large oak tree is at the edge of the garden, and the canopy of branches adds just the right amount of shade to this surprisingly mild winter day.

  I lean into Grace as we continue to walk arm-in-arm. "It's lovely."

  "Thank you," she says with a smile in her voice. "It was my Christmas present from Violet."

  We sit down on the bench, and I gaze into the house's large bay windows. "What a wonderful present."

  "I know she loves me. I've been selfish to want all of her attention when she's committed to such a good cause."

  Grace is smiling at a plant stem she twirls between the tips of her fingers.

  A couple of kids nod to us as they skirt the outside path on the way to the barn behind us. They are covered in paint splatter and grinning ear-to-ear.

  "Yeah, she is," I say, still in total awe at how much the ranch has progressed. "I can't believe how many kids are here."

  "We've got teachers that come up during the day." Grace nods to the retreating kids. "School just ended, and now they have to finish their chores."

  "What does Karri do all day?" I ask in as disinterested a tone as I can muster. I shouldn't care what Karri does with her day, but some part of me is hoping she's turning her life around.

  "She's actually doing a lot more than I expected. Violet sent her grocery shopping today. One of the ranch hands went with her to supervise, and Karri came back with everything on the list." Grace's cheeks flush a rosy pink. "With the kids in school and Karri gone, Violet and I had a few hours to ourselves."

  I nudge Grace in the ribs. "That's awesome."

  She heaves a sigh before leaning back in a casual pose. Though she isn't the poised and polished Grace I'm used to, she most definitely looks happy.

  "Thanks for listening to me gripe this week." Her voice is laced with shame, as if she's the only person on the planet who's ever had love problems. "How are you and Andrés?"

  "Great, thanks." I laugh. "But his cousin is still a bitch."

  Grace snorts and shakes her head. "Tell me something I don't already know."

  I'm nearly tempted to address the fact that my poised and polished friend just snorted, but I like this new, casual Grace.

  "Nora turned out to be an even bigger bitch." My cheeks flush when I think about Nora's betrayal, and I feel as if she slapped me in the face. I wish there was some way I could magically erase my memory, and forget those hours of precious wasted time I spent in that woman's company.

  "I suspected something was up." Clasping my hand in hers, Grace fixes me with a penetrating gaze. "Tell me."

  ***

  After I fill Grace in on the sordid details of Nora's betrayal and my mom's revenge, Grace offers me the most amazing solution, a wedding at Violet's ranch. Her garden, she says, will make the perfect backdrop. I think she couldn't be more right, but I don't want to put Violet and Grace out. Grace says she'll talk to Violet, but she insists the preparation will give the kids a meaningful project to work on. My spirits have lifted by the time I leave Grace's beautiful garden. She points me in the direction of the stables, where Karri is doing stall duty.

  I'm not sure what that entails, but I suspect it isn't pretty. My eyes have to adjust to the dim light as I walk down the wide corridor flanked by stalls on either side. I remember these horses from my last visit. Violet comes from a long line of horse breeders, and when she inherited this ranch from her parents, they left her a profitable champion bloodline.

  I can see the tops of two kids' heads as they talk soothingly to a horse and brush her shiny chestnut coat. I don't know much about animals, but I do know Violet's horses are beautiful, and I admire her for sharing them with these troubled teens.

  I fight the urge to plug my nose. I for
got how badly manure smells. Though it's well past morning sickness time, I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach, and I hope I can keep my lunch down long enough to talk to Karri.

  I think I spot a blast of pink hair disappearing into one of the stalls toward the back of the stables, so I continue on, apprehension settling in my gut like a lead ball. I still don't know what I'm going to say to her or if she'll even listen. I pause when I hear Karri talking to one of the teens.

  "I took your advice and didn't get that tattoo," a girl who doesn't sound older than sixteen says.

  "What did your boyfriend say?" Karri asks.

  "He was pissed. And then I told him what you told me; if he really loved me, he'd understand.

  Then he broke up with me."

  "What an ass." I can almost see Karri rolling her eyes.

  "Good thing I didn't get his name tattooed on my back." The girl laughs. "Thanks, Karri."

  "No problem." The heartfelt note of sincerity in her voice reminds me of the Karri I once knew, the Karri who talked me off the ledge in high school after my dad's rape sent me into a spiral of depression and self-loathing.

  I feel weird intruding on their tender moment, and almost decide to turn around and leave, but then the stall door opens and Karri comes out clutching a bucket filled with horse-shit in one gloved hand and a shovel in the other. She's got brown gunk smeared on her forehead and neck. I can tell by the bright freckles smattering her nose and cheekbones she's not wearing any makeup, but her skin has a natural rosiness and her eyes have a healthy glow. Despite the crap blemishes, I'd say this is the best Karri has looked in a long time.

  "Hey." I hold up a hand and make some sort of half-assed wave, and I suddenly feel awkward standing here in my designer jeans and shoes, attempting to have a heart-to-heart with Karri looking like this. Not that I'm bothered by her appearance, but I can tell by the way she flushes all the way to her brassy pink roots, she's embarrassed.

  "I already heard from Violet I'm not in the wedding, if that's what you were going to tell me." She drops the bucket on the ground, and debris flies out and scatters at her feet. Yuk.