by Savana Jade
No Regrets
By Savana Jade
Copy write 2015
For Anitha…
Rest in peace, Angel
PROLOGUE
Strength
Sorrow
Surprises
Forgiveness
Reunite
Explain
Marry Me
Talk to Me
Vegas
Trust
Family
Answers
Sleep
Karma
Rumors
Goodbye
Confessions
Let it Go
Help
Struggle
Prologue
Gabriel
“Um, Ashley. Who’s that?” Brennan asks my sister with confusion in his voice. His eyes glued to hers as she slowly turns toward his direction. She makes eye contact with him before trailing them to me. Even though I know she’s looking at me, I refuse to take my eyes off of Jenna. My chest feels like I’ve been kicked in the ribs a few times. As her now glossed over eyes meet mine, Brennan continues. “Ash, is he a relative?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Ashley shaking her head. Jenna suddenly blinks away from me and looks at Ashley directly. “Ashley. Who is that?” She asks demanding her attention before bringing it back to mine. I can’t stomach the look on her face so I decide that looking down is best, like a coward, is best.
“That’s LG.” Ashley replies. “He’s Carmen’s son.” Stating the obvious. But the air is so thick, we all know that’s not the answer Jenna wants. She takes a deep breath and pauses before continuing to answer the question everyone is truly waiting on.
“LG is short for Little Gabriel.”
At that exact moment, my world comes down to a crashing halt. Jenna gasps and takes a step back as I bring my eyes up to meet her glare.
“How old?” She demands more than questions me, throwing me off.
“What?”
“How old is he?” She insists on an answer not breaking eye contact with me. Anger and tears form on her face. I can see her breathing becoming deeper as she waits for an answer. “How old is he Gabriel?” she repeats.
Standing stock still at first, I can’t manage to bring my voice to the surface. Finally, I gather the courage. “He’s about six and a half.” I whisper. He could even be seven by now for all I know, I’ve never taken the time to bother caring.
A tear falls from her once bright and beautiful eyes. Now they are dark and desolate. All I want to do is pull her into my arms, but I know my limits with Jenna when she is like this. Her vision trails to Carmen who walks in our direction. Shit.
“Jenna dear, just hear Gabriel out.” Mom tries to interfere to calm the situation. But Jenna won’t have it. The look she shoots could take down a bull.
“With all due respect Mrs. Gonzales, I don’t think that there is anything Gabriel can say that will salvage what’s standing behind you right now.” She retorts. Moisture from my eyes begin to fall. Brennan slowly walks up to her and starts speaking. But at this point, I can’t hear a word he says, everything is just mumbles. All I can focus on is Jenna’s beautiful face and how torn she is. She turns in his direction and argues with him before turning to me and raises her arms.
“You know what? No. I don’t need an explanation Bren. Seven years Gabe. Seven years to tell us you had a kid. Good God Gabriel, you even saw Matty struggle with Willow and Dani. But you said nothing. Is this why you left all those years ago? Because of him?” She points to LG.
“No, don’t you remember what I told you last night?” I take a step toward her. Not realizing how bad I’m shaking.
“So? She cheated on you. That’s all you told me.” She takes a step away from me. Dammit. “Nothing like, ‘Oh by the way she cheated on me but she was still carrying my kid.’”
“Damn it Jenna. Please don’t do this.” I begin to beg, taking another step toward her. “Please let me explain.”
She snaps. “Don’t do this? No Gabe, I am not the one that has done anything wrong here, you have. You kept a viable piece of information from us. Do you honestly think we would have kept you away from here this long if we knew? You know how important family is to us Gabriel, especially how important it is to have no parents in a child’s life.” Without even a chance to reply she waves her hands in the air, shakes her head and turns away to leave. I immediately begin to follow her, but Matt stops me.
“Let me go Matt.” I growl.
“Let her chill man. If you follow her now, you’ll only push her away more.” He pushes me away from Jenna. “What the hell were you thinking? You had us all fooled.”
“Fuck you. You have no clue what you’re talking about.” I push away from him trying to follow her but he and Drew both stop me.
“Let her cool off Gabe.” Drew says. “I don’t need her going over the edge.”
“She won’t fucking go over the edge if you would let me go to her and explain this mess. But she may go over now.”
“Gabriel?” Carmen says with a concerned voice. I stop and take a few steps toward her in rage, but Brennan stands in front of me as Drew and Matt grab me from behind.
“Don’t say one fucking word Carmen! You have single handedly ruined my life! More than once. When will you stop?” All I can do is yell at her since the guys are holding me back. “That kid isn’t mine and you damn well know it!”
“I…I’m sorry.” She whispers. “I know, but I didn’t know what to do when I became pregnant.”
“So You Lie?” I push against Brennan’s body almost knocking him over. “I never laid a fucking finger on you Carmen. Not once! But you wouldn’t stop until my entire family believed you, over me!”
“Son.” My dad stands behind Brennan blocking my view from Carmen. “If you are going to discuss this, we will do it at home. Not here.”
Pointing toward Carmen, “I have nothing to discuss or prove with her. I have to try and find Jenna to fix this.” I turn away from them. Matt runs to my side to help me find her.
~~~
“I need to see her.” My body doesn’t stop shaking knowing she’s upstairs passed out. We found her a while ago in the boat with a few bottles of booze and a baggy of what I can only assume is cocaine. “I want to be there when she wakes up. I want to be the first person she sees.”
“Just let Drew do what he needs to do man.” Matt says. “I’ve never seen him so pissed off like he is right now.”
“Another reason someone other than him should be up there.” I stand and walk toward the staircase. Brennan takes me by the arm.
“Gabe. I know you want to be with her. Believe me I want nothing more than to be up there when she wakes up too, but Drew knows what to do with her man. It’s obvious she’s used. It was all over her face. You saw it. But we don’t know how much.” Sounds from upstairs halts us both. We look into each other’s eyes as we listen to Drew yelling at Jenna.
“I have to go see her.” I say and push my way around him. He grips my arm while dad pulls me away from the staircase.
“Dammit Gabriel. Sit your ass down!” Dad spits as he pushes me onto the recliner. I immediately stand.
“Stay out of this dad!” I yell at him. “For years and years, you took her lies over the truth. And now the woman I love is upstairs suffering because of it.” My body is shaking violently as I point toward Carmen who’s sitting in the kitchen with LG like nothing’s happened. “That kid isn’t mine. But you didn’t believe me!”
“What were we suppose to believe Gabriel.” He barks in return.
“My. Word!” I shout back. “Me! For fucks sake dad, is it that much of an inconvenience to believe your own God damned son?” Brennan steps bet
ween us.
“Gabe, calm down bro.” He tries to calm me.
“Calm down? Fuck you Brennan. My world… Your fucking sister, is upstairs dealing with something she shouldn’t be dealing with right now. I fucking told you yesterday how I felt.” I push him. Matt takes me by the arm and stops me from lunging at Brennan. “I’ve never lied to you Bren. Never!”
“So, it was true? What you said?” Brennan asks with a reasonable voice. “Coz by the look of that little man in the kitchen, it looks like you were saying whatever you could to get into my sisters pants.”
“What more do you want from me Brennan?” I spit out. “Do you want me to tell the world? Yes I told you the truth. I was a virgin until a few nights ago! Are you happy now! The entire household knows except the one that deserves to know. And for the record, I didn’t need your approval to make love to Jenna. She’s not just a pair of pants I wanted to get into. I never saw her like that, and you damn well know it.”
The room suddenly gets quiet. “Then can you explain how you can be a virgin and have a kid sitting in the other room.” He spits. “Because Gabriel, I want nothing more than to place my hand on your back and tell you it will all be okay.”
“He is telling you the truth Brennan.” Carmen says softly as she stands in the doorframe.
“What?” He asks turning toward her.
“Gabriel is telling you the truth.” She takes a step toward me. But my glare tells her not to. “He never touched me. I wanted more from him, but he always refused me. I got desperate for affection so I went elsewhere. I cheated on Gabe with a mutual friend. Then I came to the house a few months later and told him in front of his parents that I was pregnant. Of course, Maria and Tony took my word over Gabriel’s since we were dating for such a long time.” Her face is filled with sorrow, but I will never, ever find it in myself to forgive her.
“He argued and argued until he finally gave up and left, not just leaving me, he left his home. They supported me completely until Jenna’s accident, when he finally called and spoke to his mom. That’s when Maria asked me to be completely honest with her.” She turns to me. “I’m so sorry Gabriel. I’m so very sorry for everything I’ve done to you.”
The room remains quiet while everyone waits for me to say something. But I have no fucking words for her. I sit on the edge of the chair and rest my elbows on my knees and bring my face to my hands. But nothing can calm my shaky body. Ashley comes and sits on the arm of the recliner to hug and comfort me from behind. Brennan asks why LG still calls mom and dad his grandparents. Dad explains that a bond was formed between LG and them at birth. They realize that he isn’t related by blood and slowly they have been pulling away from his life. However, having him in their lives for so long, it’s not easy to just break ties. I chuckled at that comment and chimed in with as much sarcasm as I could get use.
“Didn’t stop you from letting me walk out that door, did it?” Suddenly Drew comes running down the stairs with his bag over his shoulder. He doesn’t look at anyone, but says he will be right back as he runs outside. We all look at each other with confusion. A few minutes pass when Jenna comes into view with mom right behind her. I stand immediately.
“Where’s Drew?” She asks looking from me to Brennan. Her face looks warn out. Her eyes are sunken in and her cheeks are blotchy. I can’t help but blame myself.
“He said he would be right back.” Brennan answers softly. Her bloodshot eyes make their way back to mine.
“I’m right here Jems.” Drew says as he takes a bag from her shoulder. Her bag. I didn’t even notice she had it until now. Why does she have her bag? Where are they going?
“Jenna, let me explain.” I beg with a whisper and take another step toward her. When I watch her body go stiff, I stop. Not wanting to hurt her anymore, I take a step back.
“I have to leave.” Those four words hit me like a brick wall. All the air in my lungs leave me. “I… I can’t stay here with you right now.” She gets out with pain in her voice.
“Jenna please, don’t do this. Please don’t leave me. I love you so much. Please Angel, please let me explain.” The pain in my chest is so painful, I can’t imagine even breathing without her.
“I love you too Gabriel. That hasn’t changed. But right now, I can’t stand the sight of you.” My heart stops, feeling like it’s been ripped out of my chest. All of my energy is lost. I fall to my knees.
“Jenna, it’s only ever been you. Can’t you see that? It’s always been you. Since the moment I laid eyes on you, I fell so hard, the earth shook.”
Tears fall from her eyes. “It was an earthquake that day Gabriel.” My body falls further as she begins to shake. All I want to do is grab her and hold her in my arms.
Drew grabs her and takes her into his arms. My world goes numb as he speaks. I can’t focus on a word anyone says anymore. All I can do is stare at her and wish it was me in Drew’s place.
Before I know it, they walk out the front door. My world just ended.
Strength
Jenna
“Drew, I can’t do this anymore.” I cry as my body convulses from the withdrawal of using so much the other day. I don’t remember having this problem the last time, but Brennan said it was because my body detoxed while I was unconscious.
“You’re doing great Jenna.” He says as he holds my trembling body down onto the bed. “It’s been two days and the episodes are getting farther apart.” My body fights as his arms keep a firm hold on me. All I want to do is leave to go find more. At least that’s what my body keeps telling me. But I know that my mind and my heart is ashamed for using in the first place.
“Bathroom!” I screech. He releases me and I make a bee-line to the toilet. He follows me in and holds me while I dry heave. Once the sensation is gone, I rest my head on the seat until he pulls me into his arms and holds me until my body shakes slow, replacing them with tears. “I’m so sorry Drew.” I begin to cry. My mood shifts dramatically. One minute, I’m fighting and the next I’m filled with sorrow.
“Shhh. It’s okay Jenna, it’s okay.” He hushes me as he holds and comforts me.
“See, that one wasn’t so bad now was it?” He asks, I don’t answer as I let the tears continue to fall. We remain like this for quite some time before we decide to get up and make it back to the bed. He insists that I take a shower to get the sweat and grime off me. So slowly, I gather my things and take them to the bathroom once I feel stable enough to stand alone.
“Drew.” I ask softly.
“Yeah?” He answers looking at me with concern.
“When can we leave?”
He takes a deep breath before responding. “I was thinking maybe tomorrow, that’s if you can keep food down. Does that sound okay?” He asks.
“That’s fine. I just want to get away from here. I know we aren’t that far from Gabe.” I mention as I make my way to the bathroom. I don’t dare tell him that what I really want to do is run back to him and pretend none of this ever happened.
I shower quickly, only sitting twice when I get dizzy and weak. I call for Drew to help me out since I’ve lost almost all of my energy. My body is weak from being tortured by the poison I put into it. The fact that I have refused food since we left doesn’t help my system either. He comes in and helps me dry off, and get dressed. Thankfully there isn’t any sexual attraction between us, all I can think of while I dress is Gabriel. I wonder what he would think if he knew Drew has helped me get out of the shower and dress me. I actually know how he would react. I try to hold back those emotions, but a tear slowly escapes me as I dress.
Drew insists that I stay in the bathroom with him as he takes his shower, he does so quickly. He still doesn’t trust me to be in the room alone as he thinks I will bolt and look for another fix. But honestly, I don’t have the energy to go out even if I tried. And I think if I ever saw it again, it would be too soon. Because I don’t feel like arguing with Drew right now, I agree to his request and sit on the sink’s countertop and mak
e small talk with him until he’s finished, keeping my eyes closed when he enters and exits the shower.
About an hour later, we find ourselves sitting at the corner diner down the street. I don’t have much of an appetite, but the look on Drew’s face tells me that I need to at least try to put something in my body. Deciding on a club sandwich and fries, I excuse myself to the restroom. I know he is watching me the entire time, but I don’t care. I need few minutes to myself.
Making my way back, the food arrives quicker than I expected. I pick up a fry and I play with the ketchup for a moment when I finally get the courage to ask. “When can I get my phone back?”
He stops just before taking a bite of his burger before answering. “I’m not sure exactly. But I do know you won’t get it back tonight or tomorrow.” He takes another bite. I bring my fry to my mouth. It takes all of me to chew and swallow it down.
“Has he called?”
He puts his burger down and sighs and chews. Once he’s finished he answers. “You know the answer to that Jenna. I have your phone shut off for that reason alone. So I can imagine your voicemail is completely full with messages from him. He’s calls me at least once every hour, if not twice, but I just silence it. I have no intentions to talk to him right now. You may have started to forgive him or feel sorry for him. Whatever… But I’m still kind of pissed off at him if you want to know the truth.” I begin to ask another question but he cuts me off. “Stop Jenna. Just eat please. We have a lot to talk about when we get back.”
I decide to let it go and begin to eat slowly. I manage to get half of the sandwich down and a handful of fries before the bill comes. I ask for a to-go box to please Drew. I honestly have no intention of eating anymore.
~~~
“Want to talk about it?” Drew questions as we lay on our beds facing each other. As much as I want to, I just can’t. I close my eyes as I shake my head. “Jems, we need to talk. It’s the first step to healing. You know this.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Well,” He says, “What if we start from the beginning?” I open my eyes and look into his. “Let’s start with your mom.”
