by Savana Jade
“What about her?” I argue. “There’s nothing to say about her that you don’t already know. She walked out of our lives, only to return twenty years later with a shitload of money that I want none of. Even out of our lives, she’s been a major part of it for so long.”
He takes a deep breath. “What you said in the bathroom at Gabe’s parent’s house was a little different. You mentioned that you needed her.”
“How many times did you need your mom? Of course I needed her. I was raised by guys Drew.” My eyes fill with moisture. He takes that as a cue to crawl out of his bed and join me in mine. He pulls me onto his chest as he hold me as I sob. “I didn’t know who she was. I have so many unanswered questions for her that I will never get an answer for now. I don’t want her money. I don’t even want to go to the service. I just wish I could have answers.”
“I know.” He kisses the top of my head. “I knew you didn’t want the money all along. I understand you’re doing this for Brennan.”
“Not just him.” I interrupt. “I’m doing it for all of you.” I decide to let him know what I plan on doing with part of it. “I was actually wanting to donate some of the money to a foundation for kids like me and Brennan.”
“Jenna, I think that’s a great idea. I know you don’t believe me right now, but you must know that I think you are one of the strongest women I know. I envy your strength babe.” I hold him tighter. “If you want, I can help you out with research. I’m sure dad will have some ideas or even places he may know of.” He says.
“Thank you.” I whisper.
“Anytime Jems.” He replies. “What about Gabe?”
Shaking my head rapidly. “No. I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
“Jenna, in order to move forward, you need to get it out. Sober.”
“I know that Drew. I just can’t right now. Okay? All I know is I miss him badly and I still love him deeply.”
He kisses my head again. “Okay Jenna.” He tries to shift away from me, but I hold onto him tighter.
“No, don’t.” I plead. “Can you just stay here with me until I fall asleep?” I ask.
“Anything you need babe. Anything.” He reassures me, kissing my forehead. I close my eyes. He holds me for a while until I drift off to sleep.
~~~
“Look mommy.” I squeal with excitement running up to her with a butterfly in my hands. “Looky what I caught.”
“That’s nice Jenna.” Mommy says as she sits on the back porch not looking at me as she reads a letter she got from the nice mail man earlier. Mommy looks sad.
“Mommy?” I ask snapping her from her letter.
“I’m sorry sweetie, what?” She asks. “What do you have there?” She looks into my hands. I was going to keep the butterfly for me, but I want to make mommy happy.
“A butterfly mommy. I caught it for you.” I whisper trying not to scare the butterfly as I open my hands to show her. “It’s pretty, like you.” I look up at her and present her with the pretty purple butterfly.
A tear forms in her eyes and she smiles sweetly. “Oh no my beautiful baby girl.” She says as she takes it in her hands. “This butterfly is as beautiful as you are my precious Jem.” Carefully she lifts me up onto her lap. “I want you to remember this Jenna. I want you to always remember how beautiful you are and how much mommy loves you. When you grow up, you will be the light that shines so bright that people will just fall in love with you simply with your smile. You have a heart of pure gold my sweet, sweet baby girl. And I know that no matter what, you will live each day with no regrets. You will meet the man of your dreams. I know this makes no sense to you now because boys are yucky.” I make an icky face. “But one day it will.” She kisses the top of my head as she releases the butterfly.
“When the time is right Jenna, I want you to fly, just like the pretty butterfly.” We watch the pretty butterfly fly away. “Be happy my princess. Don’t settle for the first prince you see. You will know when you meet him. And when you do, I wish that you will live happy and with all your heart. Always keep Brennan close to you Jenna. Because when all is said and done, you will need him and he will need you. Don’t fight with your brother. Always kiss and make up. Okay?” She asks.
“Okay mommy.” I answer, I don’t know what she means, but mommy is sad and I want to make her smile. She hugs me tightly and whispers in my ear.
“How about some Dairy Queen before daddy and Brennan come home?” Her excitement makes me smile. I nod greedily. “This is our little secret okay?”
The next day I walk home from school with Matty’s mommy. She didn’t say why she was picking me up today, but I like Aunt Patty, she always brings me cookies. As we walk in the living room, Brennan is crying.
“Bennan?” I ask. “What’s da matter Bennan?” Is he sick? Did he fall and get hurt? He pats the seat on the couch next to him. “Bennan, where’s mommy?” I ask sitting next to him. “Where’s daddy?” He takes a deep breath and looks at Aunt Patty before talking.
“Jenna, mommy won’t be coming home anymore.” I don’t understand.
“Did I do something wong Bennan?” I’m afraid to ask. “I pwomise to keep all the Daiwy Qween twips a secret. I pwomised mommy I would.” My chest hurts. “I’ll be good Bennan. I pwomise I will be good.” Aunt Patty sobs from the front door.
“You didn’t do anything wrong Jems. I promise you.” He pulls me onto his lap. “Mommy just didn’t want to be with us anymore.” He begins to cry. “I will take care of us Jenna. Dad and I will be here forever, okay?”
~~~
Sitting up in the bed covered in sweat. “Jesus Jenna, what’s wrong?” Drew sits up rapidly wiping the sleep from his eyes.
“She knew she was leaving Drew.” I cry out.
“What?” He sits on the edge of his bed. “What do you mean?”
“I remember it all.” I sob into my hands. “She told me to shine, she told me to take care of Brennan. She was saying goodbye to me and I didn’t even know it.” I repeat the dream I just had.
“Damn. Jenna, you were barely five years old, you wouldn’t have known any different.” He comes and sits beside me comforting me once again. “You didn’t know sweetheart.”
I rest my head on his lap as exhaustion takes over me. I let all the emotions out. “I just wish I had a chance to beg her to stay, Drew. I wish I knew what we did wrong for her to leave us. What was in that letter she was reading? I just want to yell and scream at her for leaving us for all those years. I hate her Drew. I hate her so much.”
“Shhh, you don’t hate her, you hate what she did” He tries to reassure me as he runs his fingers through my hair to calm me. “It’s okay to have those feelings Jenna. Just get it out so you can move forward.” He comforts me. I sob and cry myself to sleep.
~~~
The sound of Drew’s soft voice wakes me. He’s still lying beside me which is calming. I don’t bother to let him know I’m awake just yet, so I listen.
“Yeah. She’s doing better. I finally got her to eat half of her dinner last night. This was the first time since breakfast the day we left there.” He rests his hand gently on my shoulder and rubs his thumb in soft circles. “Yeah, she hasn’t thrown up since yesterday.” Nice to know they are keeping track of my puking cycle.
“We made a breakthrough last night. She had a bad dream. I think it was the first time she’s dreamt about your mom.” There is a short pause. “Yeah, your mom. She thinks she did something wrong. She remembers the day before your mom left left. She said Ally had a letter in her hand when she ran up with a butterfly. Pulled her on her lap and told her how special she was.” Another pause. “I don’t know man. She’s pretty shattered.”
He stays quiet for a little longer as he listens to Brennan talk. “You’ve got to be shitting me?” Silence. “And you believe Gabe?” Now my hearing senses are on full alert. What about Gabe?
“Ah man.” Silence. “No, I don’t want to go back. We will continue to push forward. She st
ill needs some time. A few days sober with the amount she took isn’t going to cut it. I don’t want her to get the urge again.” Suddenly he tenses.
“Don’t fucking talk to me like that Gabe.” I try not to stiffen since he thinks I’m sleeping. “Yeah I heard what Brennan said. Still doesn’t think I’m that less pissed at you.” I can hear Gabe yelling in the phone.
“Damn it Drew. I need to fucking talk to her. I have to explain. I need her to know how much I love her.” Drew sighs as he lowers the volume of his phone. I can tell because gradually the sound gets softer.
“I know you do man. But right now isn’t the time… I get it bro. I really do… I know you love her Gabe… Yes. I’m pretty sure she still loves you too… Yes, she’s asked about you… No… No, I won’t let you talk to her, she’s sleeping right now anyways… No… I don’t know when I’ll give the phone back to her. She needs time man… No. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything to her. It’s not my place. Yes, of course you have my word.”
I really don’t want to hear any more, so I begin to stir. “Look, tell Brennan I’ll call him later and tell him how far we’ve gotten.” He stays quiet. “Don’t worry about it man. Later.” He hands up.
“Was that the guys’?” I ask. I know who it was, but I don’t want him to know I heard his conversation. He nods.
“Brennan mostly.” He sits up. “So,” he quickly changes the subject. “What do you say we get some breakfast and head out? I was looking at the map and was hoping maybe we could stop at some sites before making it to Florida?”
Smiling softly. “That sounds good. I’m… I’m just going to take a quick shower.” He stands and walks in front of me. He pulls me into a hug.
“I love you Jenna.” I smile and hug him back.
“Love you too Drew.” I pull back and look into his eyes. “Thank you.”
He kisses my forehead. “Anytime.”
~~~
“So, I was thinking about the Meramec Caverns.” Drew says as we drive past miles and miles of nothing.
“Caverns? Like underground?” I’m afraid of the answer. Heights and being beneath the ground scare me to death.
“Well, of course underground. They wouldn’t be caverns if they were above ground.” He laughs at me.
“I don’t know Drew.” I say nervously. “I’m not sure about going under the ground. I mean what if there’s an earthquake?” He barks a laugh.
“We aren’t California anymore Jems. C’mon, live a little.” He slaps my leg.
“Okay, but if we die…” He laughs again.
“If we die, then there’s nothing to worry about is there?” I shove his shoulder and begin to laugh with him.
We took our time to get to the caverns. Stopping whenever we felt like it to enjoy the scenery, or simply to stretch our legs. It was nice having a companion to travel with. As much as I loved traveling from southern California to Washington in peace and quiet, it’s nice to share small talk and the comfort of being with someone. Drew has been wonderful. I don’t think I can thank him enough for everything he has done for me in the past few days, let alone since I met him.
“Did you know?” I say as if I’ve known this fact. “That the Meramec Caverns was a hideout place for the famous Jesse James?” I read from my phone as we get closer to Stanton Missouri.
“Like the real Jesse James? The country’s original bad ass?” He asks with a slight smirk.
“Yeah. Like rough and tough cowboy shit. Not the one with the bikes.” I laugh. As much as I’m trying to hide my fear from walking who know how far into a cave, I’m actually kind of excited to see some of it’s history.
“You think we’ll see his ghost?” He laughs. “Maybe I’ll buy a ten gallon hat for memories.” He says slapping my thigh again.
“You’re so going to buy a ten gallon hat. It’s kind of like this one time when Gabe…” I suddenly stop when I mention Gabriel’s name. He squeezes my leg.
“Hey.” I look out the window. “Jenna, hey.” He smacks my thigh hard enough for me to jump. “Thing’s will be alright. I promise you. He’s not gone forever. And don’t forget it was your choice to leave.”
I take his hand in mine and hold it tightly. “He spoke to you didn’t he?” I ask. I already knew the answer. I heard him talking on the phone when he thought I was asleep. But I want to hear it from him. He sighs moving his hand to intertwine our fingers together.
“Yeah, he did. I was talking to Brennan this morning when he took the phone from him.”
“And?”
“He told me everything Jenna. But that’s all I have to say about it. It’s not my place to talk about his excuses or reasons.”
“God Drew. Why do you always have to be so noble for everyone?” I ask irritated. He knows what Gabriel has to say, he always has. But he never spills. “Doesn’t it bug you knowing everything but never saying anything about it?”
He chuckles softly. “I can’t help it if I am so loveable that everyone tells me their troubles and deep dark secrets. Maybe it’s in my genes.”
I begin laughing at him. “Now that’s funny. I’ve seen what’s been put into your jeans. Believe me Drew, you are no Angel.”
“Not those jeans, smartass.” He squeezes my hand tightly.
“Ouch!” I laugh. “Okay, okay. Not those jeans. I think you’re right though Drew. You and your dad are a lot alike.”
“Yeah, well don’t tell him that.” He laughs. “He will try to get me follow his footsteps, again.”
“Your secret’s safe with me.” I say before the mood changes again. “Thank you Drew. I know this is hard for you to be the middle man.” I wipe a tear from my eye before he notices. “I just miss him so much it hurts.”
He lets go of my hand “I can only imagine babe. Hey, let’s talk about this later okay? We’re almost there and I want to have a good time scaring the shit out of you with James’ ghost.” He tries to brighten the mood. I rest my head on his shoulder.
“There’s no such thing as ghosts Drew.” I argue. He lays his head on mine as we continue our way to the caverns. He hums the song that plays on the radio and my mind sets on one person.
~~~
“I honestly can’t believe how beautiful it is in here.” Whispering in Drew’s ear, not to disturb anyone doing the tour. My hand is a vice around his but he doesn’t mind. He knows how petrified I am of being in here. It does help that I’m not alone. One woman has her head buried in her husband’s neck and refused to look at anything, making me giggle. “Okay, I know I’m not that bad.” I point in her direction.
“No, but I would like to regain some circulation in my hand.” He chuckles in my ear. “Don’t worry Jenna, we’ve got to be almost done. I was thinking of crashing here for the night. Then tomorrow, as long as you don’t have any episodes, we can try to drive through.”
“What?” I asked surprised. “And not stop and see the Graceland and the world’s largest ball of twine.” He shoves me with his shoulder.
“Shut up and listen to the tour.” He smiles down at me. “Graceland would be cool though.” I look up at him and wiggle my brow.
“Deal.” I say. “Since you made me suffer a tour in the dark, you can suffer through some blue suede shoes.” He puts his hands over my mouth as the tram moves forward again.
“Will you shut up already?” He warns. I poke out my tongue and lick his hand causing him to gross out and remove it. “Nasty Jenna. Just nasty.” He says laughing.
After eating an all you can eat buffet, we walk back to the hotel. He knew it would be a good time to burn off some calories after dinner. That’s why he insisted on us walking to dinner. Of course, I knew better.
“So.” He says.
“So.” I keep my eyes away from him as we walk alongside each other. When the going gets tough, I try my best to avoid his deep blue eyes at all costs. He is one of the few people that can literally see straight through me.
“How are you feeling?” He asks. “And don’t give me an
y of the ‘I’m fine’ bullshit too. I want to know exactly everything.”
“I don’t have a craving if that’s what you asked. And to be perfectly honest. I didn’t even have a craving when I used.”
“Can I ask you something?” He stops walking. I turn and face him and nod. “Why did you do it? I mean. If you didn’t even crave it, why do it in the first place?”
I shrug and drop my head in shame. “I… I honestly don’t know Drew.” That’s all I can give him. Keeping my head down. “I thought it would be an out for me. I didn’t plan it. I never do. It was always a way out for me. I never really craved it to be honest. Because it was always available.”
“How did you know where to find it?”
“Gabe.” I say. I can hear him huff. I look up at him immediately and take a step toward him. “No, no. That’s not what I meant. He didn’t give it to me.” I try to explain. “When we just got into town and he was taking me around showing me the sites and his history. I had noticed some kids hanging around. He mentioned that area where the kids were was bad news.”
“I bet he regrets saying shit to you about it once he finds out that’s where you got it from.”
“Don’t tell him. No one needs to know Drew. Can’t we just keep this between us? I feel like shit even buying it let alone taking it.”
“One more question, then I’ll drop it completely.” He takes my shoulders. “When we found you, you had dust all over your face. And the bag was half empty. How much did you use Jenna? Because it’s been a few days, and I can still see you struggling with shakes.”
In shame, I rest my head on his chest. “I don’t remember anything past the first three or four lines.” Tears begin to fill as I continue. “I bought some bottles of booze, and that bag. It wasn’t a full bag though Drew. I’m sorry, I don’t remember.”
He hugs me as I soak his shirt in tears. “Thank you.” He whispers kissing the top of my head. “It’s okay Jenna. Let it out. Thank you for being honest with me.” We stand there for what seems like forever before he takes my hand and pulls me back to the room. He doesn’t mention it again as promised.
