by Savana Jade
Sorrow
Gabriel
“Dude, you look like shit.” Matt blurts out sitting next to me at the kitchen table.
“Didn’t ask for your opinion Matt.” I snap back.
“Gabriel Anthony Gonzales!” I jump at my mother’s tone. “I understand you’re suffering son, but you will not disrespect anyone like that in my house. Do you understand me?” She questions me with an order.
“Sorry mom.” I say with a sigh, burying my head in the crook of my arm on the table. Matt pats my back in a supportive gesture. “Sorry man.” I whisper over to Matt. I haven’t slept in days. All I want to do is get on the road, but the guys made the decision to wait until tomorrow to leave. In the time I’ve known Jenna, I have never gone this long without speaking to her; except when she was in rehab, of course. But even then, I tried to visit every day.
“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry too, I can’t focus on anything except Jenna either. She’s like a sister to me man.”
My entire life as I know it is what seems like thousands of miles away from me and I have no control over it. Mom comes around the counter and takes a seat beside me and rests her hand in a caress over my head and begins playing with my hair.
“I’ll uh, I’ll take a muffin up to Emily upstairs. She wanted to show me something with the band’s website anyways.” Matt says standing and grabbing a few muffins from the basket and leaves. I love Matt like a brother. He’s my best friend. I appreciate his honesty, but sometimes he can bother the living hell out of me.
“Gabriel.” Mom says softly. I don’t answer. I can’t trust myself enough to speak to my mom without either breaking down or snapping at her or both. “Gabriel dear, why don’t you try to get some sleep? You haven’t slept in days.”
“Because mom.” My voice begins to shake. “When I close my eyes, all I see is Jenna.” I sit back in my chair and run my hands through my hair. “I see her beautiful blue eyes. Her perfect smile. Her little dimple that attempts to pop through when she tries to hide a smile. I can see her blond hair fanned over my lap when I use to run my fingers through her hair when she sleeps. I can even see her nose twitching when she tries to lie to me.” Tears fall from my eyes as I talk about Jenna. Mom pulls me into her arms and holds me tight as I let everything go. “I love her. I’ve loved her from the moment I walked into her kitchen. She changed me, mom.” I cry.
“Oh Gabriel. You have got it bad, don’t you?” She rubs my back. “All these years, we were fooled by Carmen. And you tried telling us LG wasn’t yours. I knew before you left that you never had strong feelings for Carmen. Not like you do for Jenna. I just wish things would have been different. And for that, I truly am sorry son.” She stands swiftly, taking my hands with her, guiding me to the living room. “C’mon, let’s sit on the couch and talk, where it’s more comfortable.” I have no choice but to stand and follow her.
She sits on one end of the couch and automatically I take position with my head on her lap. She always knew when we would come home in a bad mood, or if we were just having a bad day. We never even had to ask, she always knew what we needed. She would run her fingers through our hair until we felt relaxed enough to share what was on our minds. But this time, she knows exactly what was going on. I lay staring up at my mother. Even though she has aged through the years, her face is still as beautiful as ever. The subtle lines on her face show how well she has lived her life. Her soft eyes look deep into the depths of my soul. God, I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed her until now.
“Talk to me son.” She speaks softly, running her fingers up and down my scalp. I close my eyes and the tears that were brimming are now falling down my face. “I know you love Jenna. And I can tell that she is the other half of your soul. You two just, fit.” She smiles down at me. “Your sisters would talk about her all the time. They would let me know how much you speak about her. But it wasn’t until you called me after the accident, when it truly hit me how much in love with her you are.”
“I was so scared. I thought she was going to die and I wouldn’t have had the chance to tell how much I loved her and how much I was in love with her. She was so lifeless when we found her mom. Then after the accident.” I couldn’t say any more, I curled up toward the back of the couch and sobbed. “Then on the way out here, she finally let go of her fears and said she accepted us. She finally opened up and gave me her heart.” I feel like such a wuss crying like this, but I can’t control my emotions anymore. “Now with this bullshit with Carmen. Was I wrong for not telling Jenna about Carmen? Because I don’t think she ever needed to bother with something that never was.”
“No, I don’t think you were wrong per say.” She wipes my cheek. “But I do think you should have been open with her from the beginning, when you first left us. I think if you had, none of this would have happened.”
“But he’s not my son mama. I never touched her. I wasn’t lying when I said I was a virgin until last week. I flirted with a lot of women, yes. But I promise you… I swear, I never had sex with any of them. I only made it seem that way to make her jealous. The moment I met her, I knew she was the only one for me. God mom, I waited this long for her.”
“I know baby, I know.” She caresses my head. “You have found your soul mate. Not many of us do. I won’t say life is always easy with our soul mates, because I would be lying if I did. I only pray that this is the only major bump in your road and you won’t have to deal with anything else like this again.”
“Do you think she will listen to me? Do you think she will forgive me?” My body relaxes slowly with her touch. I’ve missed this so much.
“Yes Gabriel. I do believe she will listen to you. But you have to understand, she is very delicate right now. However, I assume you know her better than anyone else does, don’t you?” She asks. My tired eyes look up to her and I nod. “Of course you do darling. You need to give her time to heal. She declared her love for you, even after finding out about LG, not sure if you remember that. It’s apparent that you ground her. But you’re also her trigger as well. You two are like a rubber band. You’re both flexible with one another, but once the band gets too tight, it snaps. You pull at each other until one of you snap. It’s the recoil of the snap that’s the hardest part to deal with. Keeping this from Jenna caused her to snap, son. Giving her time is the best thing for her, the recoil. And Drew is a great friend to be there for her, so she isn’t alone.”
“He’s her best friend mom. At first I wanted to hate him for being there with her when they got out of rehab. But then, I realized they helped each other with coping. He’s her lifeline.”
“No son, he isn’t her lifeline,” she smiles down at me with warm eyes, “you are.” She says softly. “Yes, they need each other for support, but that’s not what keeps her going. You do. I knew it the day you met her. Your sisters wouldn’t stop talking about how happy you were when she was with you. Gabriel, you are her lifeline. And she is yours. I can guarantee she is hurting for you right now just as much as you are for her.”
“I just want to talk to her. Hear her voice. I don’t even care if it’s her yelling at me, or telling me to shut up. Anything…” I can’t even continue. I close my eyes so I can see her face.
“You will son, you will.” Her loving voice soothes me a little. “You leave tomorrow. I’m sure by the time you boys make it to her, she will be ready to work things out with you. She loves you so very much Gabriel. I don’t doubt that. Just have faith.” She coos softly as my lids become heavier and heavier. My mother always had a way of calming us and relaxing us when we needed it the most.
“Mom?” She doesn’t answer, but she hums in response. “Don’t get me wrong, but I’ve thanked God that Carmen got pregnant.” Her face scrunches up in confusion. “Because if she didn’t, I wouldn’t have ever left here. Then I wouldn’t have ever met Jenna and Brennan.” My mind drifts off with visions of Jenna…
~~~
“I think we’ve got everything ready to go.” Brenn
an says walking out on the back patio where Ashley and I are sitting hand in hand on the patio swing. He wants to get a head start early in the morning so he and Matt decided to pack everything in the SUV tonight. He comes over and takes a seat next to her. “Well, at least you look a little better bro.” I can tell he’s trying to be optimistic, but I can’t find it in myself to feel the same.
“Mom always has had a way with us.” I say staring out over the field watching the sun begin to set.
“You slept for over five straight hour’s man. I didn’t think it was possible for you. I’ve never seen you sleep during the day. Not even when you’re sick. Even when we were in the hospital you…” He stops short when I notice my sister squeezing his hand. “Sorry man. I didn’t mean…”
“No problem Bren. Everyone is afraid to mention her name. I get it.” I stand and walk away.
“Gabe, wait.” Brennan calls after me. I stop and turn to see him kissing Ashley on the cheek before jogging in my direction. Once he makes it to my side, the awkward silence begins to form. He shoves his hands deep inside the pockets of his jeans before continuing. “I’m serious Gabe. I’m sorry.”
I begin to walk toward the pond knowing he’s quick to follow. “I know man. I’m sorry too. I should have fucking said something about Carmen. But I figured that because Little Gabe wasn’t mine, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about.”
“I won’t lie Gabe. Yes, you should have said something. Especially when shit started getting serious with you and my sister all those years ago.” My steps come to a halt. He knew? He bumps me with his shoulder. “Okay, okay. I admit. I fucking knew you two would be a couple since the first day I brought you to the house. Will did too. I didn’t like it, and I also hated you for making Jenna see red whenever you took a girl out. But I get it man, I really do. But I’ll be honest here, I know you love her and I know you only wanted to protect her. Just remember, she loves you too, just the same. At least that’s what she said to me.”
“You spoke to her?” I grip his arm firmly, stopping him. “When? I don’t remember you on your phone. You’ve been with my sister this whole time.” I still cringe whenever I imagine Brennan and Ashley hooking up.
“Don’t forget you slept for practically half the day man.” I make the attempt to interrupt him. He stops me. Putting his hand up. “Just listen.” He turns to finish walking down the path toward the pond knowing he has my full undivided attention. “She sounds good. Drew said she is doing great. Of course she feels like shit for caving, but the good news is, the bag wasn’t full when she used. So she only did a few lines, from what we can tell. She drank herself stupid more than anything since all those bottles were empty. The coke was just the icing on the cake.”
Yeah, I knew it wasn’t full, when I found the kids that sold it to her, insisting on seeing the bags they sell. Of course the friendly conversation ended with me getting pulled off the dealer by Matt. The kid ended up with a broken nose. I didn’t care. Someone had to pay for selling it to her. “Doesn’t make it okay though Brennan. I should have stopped her. I should have been there.”
“I know. I learned in our support group sessions during her stay in rehab that we must not make excuses for them. I’m just saying, it could have been so much worse.” I drop my head once we make it to the water’s edge. Squatting over the water, trying to hide the fear on my face, knowing how much worse this could have gone down. He rests his hand on my shoulder and continues. “Hey.” He squats besides me before sitting. I follow suit. He doesn’t have to finish. I know how bad it could have been.
“Is she really okay?” I ask. What I really want to know is, has she thought about me at all? Does she miss me as much as I miss her?
“She misses you Gabe.” He answers my unasked question. “Her first question is always about you.” I crane my head in his direction making eye contact with him. “You know what’s funny?” He asks. “The fact that you two technically only hooked up about a week or so ago, but act like you’re an old married couple.” I try to hide my grin, but it’s almost impossible considering the circumstances. “And don’t even think of it man. I know you have that fucking ring, but you best not pull it out anytime soon. I have not given my blessing for that yet.”
With my arms resting on my knees, I can’t help but smile. “No, but I have Will’s. So that’s got to count for something, right?” I nudge his shoulder. “Plus, you said it yourself, we act like we’re some old married couple already.”
“Don’t push your luck Gabe.” He warns with amusement in his voice. “My original warning still stands. I mean, I would love to have a niece or nephew someday, but I’m pretty positive you can deliver that task with just one nut.” I let a small chuckle escape.
“Hey. There he is.” He shoves me hard. I tip over to my side and laugh. “Dude, don’t lose yourself with all this. That’s who she fell in love with. That’s who we all love. You’re not just ‘like a brother’ to me.” He uses his fingers in the air as quotations. “You are my brother. I love you like my own family. You, Matt even Drew. You know I would do anything for you, right?” I look away from him trying to hide a tear that’s formed from my eye. “Including talking to my sister for you.” I turn to look at him immediately.
“You did? What did you say?” Worried he would tell her everything when I wanted to be the one to explain things to her.
“Don’t worry man. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t my place to say.” He picks up a stone and tries to skip it. I chuckle. “But I did tell her, after she told me how much she loved you, that she needs to give you enough time to explain things. She needs to have an open heart and an open mind before making any rash decisions.” He goes to stand. But kicks my shoe before walking away. “Don’t give up on her Gabe. You two are made for each other. She completes you. And you her.”
I stand quickly and hug him. He hugs me back with great effort. “Thanks Bren. I don’t know what I would have done without you all these years. I love you man.”
“Love you too bro, but promise me something.” He pulls away keeping a hand resting on my shoulder looking into my eyes.
“Anything.” I answer in return.
“Don’t ever keep anything from us again.” His eyes bore into me. “Even if you think it’s for the best. Just don’t, okay?” I don’t answer. I simply look down in shame and nod. He pats my arm once more before stepping away. “I’m going to check on your mom’s baking to see when she will be done with our goodies. And spend some time with your sister. I’m trying to talk her into riding along with us. I think it will be a good for Jems to have a chick with us for a while.”
“That’s actually a good idea. But only if it was for Jenna’s wellbeing.” I say raising my brow at him. His face turns hard with my tone. “Don’t worry Bren. Jenna already got all over me for feeling the same way you have felt all these years about us. I can’t say I’m super excited you’ve hooked up with my sister man, but I am glad that out of everyone I’ve met, she hooked up with one of the best men I know.” His face softens and his smile returns as he turns and walks back toward the house.
I take my phone out of my pocket before sitting back down. Not realizing it had been shut off, I bring it back to life quickly. Mom must have shut it off when I fell asleep on her lap with the phone in my hand. No wonder I haven’t received any calls. The picture of Jenna and I appear on the screen. I type in the password and a series of texts come in. A few from Drew, a good handful from Carmen and one from Jenna. Afraid to see what she had to say, I read Drew’s first. They are the same things. She’s ok. Don’t worry about her. I shake my head at his vagueness. I open Carmen’s and read them even though I want to delete them.
Gabriel, I don’t know how many times I can apologize. I’m sorry.
I had LG take the test you insisted on. We didn’t have to do this. I already admitted he wasn’t your son. Please call me.
We need to talk. Please.
Gabe…
I don’t even bother
reading her last text. I delete them and block her number immediately.
With shaky fingers, I press open Jenna’s text. My chest tightens at the sight of her words.
I love you too. XOXO J
Without hesitating, my fingers work double overtime to text back.
Always Angel.
I sit in Silence. Drew must have taken her phone back. But it vibrates in my hands.
I didn’t know if you would respond.
Of course I would. Mom shut it off, I didn’t realize it til just now. Sorry
Why did she shut it off?
Do I want to tell her the real reason why? Or do I tell her something else.
Because I haven’t slept since you left. She is the only one besides you that can calm my nerves enough for me to catch a few hours.
I decide to go with the honest route.
I’m sorry Gabe. Please try to sleep.
We need to talk Angel. Please, let me talk to you. Can I call?
Not now. But when you get here, we can talk. This shouldn’t be done over the phone or text.
I agree… I miss you.
I… I miss you too. I have to go.
I love you Angel. Always.
She stays quiet for what seems like forever. I was ready to give up then she responds.
Forever Gabriel. Xx J
~~~
Mom insists on us eating a complete breakfast before we leave. I think she’s trying to hold onto us a little longer if you want my opinion. Matt has been at her side like Velcro since he got here. They’ve shared recipes and secrets. She has accepted us with open arms, which surprised me. I thought she would have been standoffish when it came to the family I’ve lived with all these years. I’m thankful to stand corrected. Mom and dad both welcomed us all with opened arms.
“Sure going to miss this fine cooking Maria.” Brennan says as he fills his mouth with a bite of his omelet.
“You just say the word Brennan dear, and I will be out there to cook anything you need.” She sounds flattered.
