by Savana Jade
“Not yet dad, okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I’m not ready to share Jenna just yet. And, I want to put a ring on her finger and figure out where we will raise a baby. Plus, if she still wants to sing, we should wait.”
“You don’t want to sing and have a baby?” Dad asks. Gabe looks at me, waiting for an answer.
“I haven’t even thought about that to be honest dad. I do know I want babies with Gabe. At least two.” He smiles.
“I want as many as you’ll give me Angel.”
“Well, let’s start by getting married first. Then we need to decide if we will stay in Washington, or move closer to your parents.”
“My parents?” He asks. “Why my parents?” His eyes travel to dads.
“One, it’s important to have family around when you have babies and it means we’ll be closer to dad too.”
“You do know, that no matter where you are, as long as you’ll have me, I will be there for you and your brother. Will he be with you as well?”
I shrug softly, not wanting to wake Dani. “I’ve never been away from him. It’s important to have him close to us, I’m sure Gabe and I would want some alone time eventually. I mean, right now, it’s not even a possibility.”
One of the visitors walking down by the oversized fish tanks begins pointing to us. I sigh heavily. “What?” Gabe asks. I nod in the direction of the girl that’s decided to turn and make her way up the steps by us.
“Oh my God! It is you! Can I please have an autograph and a picture?” She started out loudly until I brought my finger to my lips to shush her. “Oh, sorry. Please, pretty please?” She begs. Gabe chuckles.
“Dad, can you take Dani?” He reaches and takes her as if he’s held babies his whole life. I smile up at him. “Look at you, all natural and everything.” He smiles and winks. I turn to the excited fan. She’s practically shaking from excitement. Taking her pen and a park brochure, I find an open area. “What’s your name sweetie?”
“Rose.” She says. I sign my name and an endearment to her. “Oh my God. This is awesome. Can I have one from you too Gabe?” He nods and signs just below mine. He asks Drew’s mom to take a picture of the three of us. She thanks us about ten times before running back down to her group.
“That was so cute.” His mom can’t hide her smile. “Do you get that a lot?” Gabe and I nod in unison.
“Usually when we go out, at least once someone wants one. We can’t ever say no. It’s never been our thing to be rude. It will be the one time we do say no, that we will get a bad rep. Figured, its best to live it up while it lasts.” Gabe answers.
“I knew you were getting bigger and bigger, but I never imagined you were that big. I’m so very proud of you all.”
“Thank you.” We both answer just before the rest of the group comes back with our food.
“Mmm. That smells so yummy.” My mouth begins to water when Drew hands me my fried chicken platter. I take a look at what Gabe ordered. He notices my stare and moves his plate away from me.
“Nuh uh. You have your own plate, and since you stole my lunch earlier today, you are not touching my food.”
“But you ordered fries with cheese.” I reach over to snag a fry. He laughs and slaps my hand away.
“I said no Jenna.” He shakes his head. “Seriously babe, what’s wrong with you today?” His voice doesn’t hide his concern, but he tries to keep his face amused.
“You never eat like this.” Brennan states in agreement.
“I don’t know, but I’m starving Gabriel. Stop being evil, and feed me.” I reach again, this time he lets me grab a fry. “I’ll share my mashed potatoes with you.” Deciding to ignore Brennan.
“Highly unlikely.” He laughs at me. “But if I have any food left over, I might share it with you.”
Matt shoves him from behind. “God Gabe, you’re such a suck up. Totally whipped.”
“Shut up man. At least she’s eating, right?” I roll my eyes at his food comment and begin eating my dinner.
~~~
“Good morning Angel, how you feeling today?” Gabe’s gentle voice caresses my ear. I moan in response. He chuckles, “That’s what I thought. I told you not to eat that last churro.”
“Go away.” I groan. He kisses the nape of my neck and laughs.
“Okay. I love you.” He whispers.
“Mmm… You too.” I try to bury my head in my pillow, but know that there’s no chance in hell I will be going back to sleep, especially today of all days. I feel him lift off the bed and a few moments later I hear the water run. With a deep cleansing breath or two, I stand and follow him into the bathroom where he has drawn up one of the most relaxing looking baths. He has soft music playing off the speakers and even though it’s bright outside, he has candles lit.
“What’s the occasion?” I ask, leaning against the door frame to watch his handy work. He stands and turns my way.
“Do I have to have an occasion to treat my fiancé the way she deserves?” He kisses my lips softly. “Now hurry up and get into the water. I’ll be right back.” He steps around me and leaves. I take advantage of this silent moment to brush my teeth and relieve myself before following his instructions and making my way into the bubble bath.
I can definitely get used to this every morning. However, I know once we get home, we need to begin to finalize the album and begin on rehearsing for the tour. I have to admit that this break was exactly what I needed.
“Are you relaxing?” Not even wanting to move, I simply nod. “Can I join you?”
“Does that mean I have to move?” I ask jokingly.
“No.” He slides in. I open my eyes to see he’s brought coffee and fresh fruit.
“Okay, now I’m really worried that I’ve missed something important.” I raise my eyebrow at him. “What gives?”
“Nothing like that.” His eyes don’t meet mine. I stare him down waiting for him to crack. “Today’s a big day for you and your brother. I’m trying to begin it stress free.” He brings the issue to the surface. I drop my head back to stare at the ceiling and slowly begin to slink my way down into the water. Today is the day we officially say goodbye to my mother. The same mother I have not seen in over twenty years. The same person who I thought left us because she thought I broke some sacred secret about us going to Dairy Queen.
I let the water consume me for as long as I can hold my breath. Gabe obviously doesn’t think it’s a good idea because moments later, he’s pushing me up from the water.
“Jenna.” He scolds. “You can’t hide from it.”
“I’m not hiding.” I argue. Leaning to grab a cup of coffee, his hand meets mine.
“I know you’re not hiding. That’s the wrong word. I just don’t want you shelling up on me. Talk to me babe.” He releases his hand and reaches for my foot under the water and begins to massage it.
“I’m not shelling up Gabe. I don’t know what to feel.” I admit. I know this is a huge issue for him since I left with Drew in Kansas.
“How do you think you should feel?” He can’t hide his concern in his eyes.
“What are you? Dr. Gonzales now?” I smart. He doesn’t answer but cocks his head waiting for an answer. I decide I don’t want to give him one.
“Should I have had Drew wake you up?”
“Gabriel, that’s not fair.” I felt like he just slapped me hard. “How could you think that? He’s my best friend and my sponsor, that’s all.”
He shifts closer to me, letting water slosh over the sides. “Hey, hey. That’s not what I meant.” He takes my face in his hands. “I didn’t mean it the way you took it. I’m sorry, okay?”
“Well, how did you mean it? I can’t help that sometimes his company is what I crave.”
“That’s exactly how I meant it. That’s all Jenna. At this point, I can care less who you talk to, but I want you to talk. You’ve been so different these last few days.”
“I’ve been with you and the family. What’s different about that? I
’m always with everyone.”
“Well… the fact that you ate nearly everyone’s meal including two of your servings for the last few days is one. And that’s after you went weeks without barely eating at all.” He relaxes and begins with my foot massage again. This time, he doesn’t stop me from getting my coffee, smart man.
I sigh deeply before I begin. “When you answered the phone while we were at the spa, I wasn’t sure what was going on. You refused to tell me anything, which made me angry.” He nods and shifts feet. God that feels good. “Then when you finally snapped and told me about her…” I swallow the knot in my throat. “I didn’t know what to feel. I vowed for so long to forget her and dad. I washed my hands from them years ago. I think it was prom with you when I finally realized I would never see them again.”
“I remember that night.” He smiles softly. “You told Patty that you were glad she was there to be your mom.”
“She’s been the closest thing I’ve had as a mother. But even then, all I wanted was what my friends had. Moms to dote on their daughters.” I quickly swipe away a tear that’s come to the surface. “That was supposed to be the best night of my teenage years.”
“I’m not sure about your night, but mine was pretty special.” He winks.
“Okay, it was pretty awesome having you all to myself for the night with no Brennan or Will interfering. But still, I didn’t have those moments that all my girlfriends did. Even their mothers looked at me differently. That’s why I had no desire to hang with them as much as you guys. You are my family.”
“I didn’t want to come here. You know that. But after listening to Brennan, I decided that I had to do this for him, because he’s my brother. Even if this was for any one of you, I would be right there behind you doing the same thing.” I can’t stop rambling. “He slept with me the night before we left. Not a word was spoken. No words were needed. He just laid there and held me while he cried. And do you want to know what the worse part of that night was?”
“What?” He asks.
“I didn’t cry. I had no feelings. How does one feel for someone they didn’t even know?”
“You know, I sit back and try to ask myself the same questions sometimes. Honestly, I don’t even know how I managed to be away from my mom for as long as I was. I envy you Jenna.”
“Don’t.” I shake my head. “You can’t envy someone for not having feelings, and if I would have known about your situation, I would have encouraged you to reunite with your parents a lot sooner.”
“Well, I do. You and Brennan both. And I’m sorry for keeping my situation from you guys. It only kicked myself in the ass in the long run.”
“It did.” I agree. “When Drew and I left, I was still high, so high Gabe. Part of it was because of you. But I think deep down, the reason I began using, even all those years ago, was because I was finding a way out. A way to deal with life without my parents. Once the drugs were gone and out of my system, I began having dreams. About mom.”
“The butterfly dream?” I nod. He shifts and pulls me into his arms where my back is to his front. “That was a good dream no?” He kisses my shoulder gently. I nod again.
“It was, until I woke up remembering she left the very next day. To a five year old kid, you think you’ve done something wrong. It could have been anything. My mind ran and ran wondering what I had done so bad for her to leave me.”
“I can only imagine.”
“And now, with the video. And a sister.” I huff. “How am I supposed to feel about that?” He holds me tighter and shrugs.
“I don’t know Angel.” I rest my head against his shoulder. “But when you figure it out, I want you to know that we are all here for you. Whatever decision you make, make it with no regrets.”
“No regrets.” I repeat after him. “Everything feels like a regret right now.” He stiffens behind me. “I didn’t mean you Gabe. You are the only solid in my life right now. If it wasn’t for you, I… I don’t know where I would be.”
“That’s because I’m awesome.” He chuckles.
“Uh, okay.” I giggle.
“It’s okay. I know how you really feel about me.”
“You always make me feel better. Thank you Gabe.” He kisses just below my ear.
“That’s because I love you.” He kisses me again. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“You want sex again?”
“Well, yeah.” I feel him stiffen from below me making me giggle. “But that’s not the favor. I know I’m gonna make you really happy in a few minutes.” He chuckles. “But seriously?”
“Seriously, what’s the favor?” I ask. He stays quiet for some time. I turn on his lap to make eye contact with him. “Gabe?”
“It’s just… Well, when I left you on the bed earlier, I said I loved you and you replied with ‘you too’, remember?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I don’t want you to say that. It bothers me.”
“I’ve always…” He cuts me off immediately.
“No. No you haven’t. You have always since the day I’ve met you, have said the full thing.” He has worry in his voice. I lean in and kiss him tenderly, choosing not to push the subject.
“Of course I’ll say the full thing. I’m sorry Gabriel. I love you.” He smiles.
“I love you too Angel.”
~~~
I stand in front of the full length mirror in the closet staring at myself. My hair is pulled back in a sophisticated bun so I can at least keep it away from my face. Even though today isn’t on one of the cooler sides, I am wearing the same dress I wore when we laid William to rest. Instead of flats, I’ve chosen a pair of heels and have decided to add a few of mom’s jewelry pieces to the dress.
“You look just like your mother.” I turn to see dad and Brennan standing at the door.
“Seriously Jems, you look beautiful.” I try to smile back at them, but it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. Brennan makes his way to me and engulfs me in his arms. “It’s okay sis.”
“I never thought I would be wearing this dress again.” Dad makes his way to us and sits on the chaise that rests in the middle of the room.
“Is this the dress you wore for the funeral?” I nod. “I thought it looked familiar.” My face scrunches up. “You made the paper remember?”
“I forgot about that. Guess since I went straight to rehab, I didn’t have to deal with the paparazzi all over the place. The center was real confined.”
“Tell me about it. They refused to let Gabe in. He went every day. Talk about being a mess.”
“Seriously?” Dad asks. We turn to him and nod. “Wow, that man really does have it bad doesn’t he?” He chuckles.
“You would too.” We hear Gabe call from the bedroom laughing. “She’s worth it.” We all begin to laugh.
“Whipped.” Brennan hollers, knowing Gabe can hear him.
“Leave him alone Brennan. It’s not like you wouldn’t do it for Ashley, right?” His face twitches. I narrow my eyes at him. “Bren? Something the matter?”
“Well, I was going to wait to say something when we were on our way to LA for the money, but…” He pauses. Gabe makes his way into the oversized closet now.
“But what?” Dad asks. Brennan’s eyes trail to Gabe before coming back to mine.
“Well, uh. When you two went shopping to get your rings before the wedding…”
“Yes?” I ask. Gabe stands behind me waiting for whatever Brennan has to say.
“Uh, never mind. I’ll tell you later.” His eyes meet Gabe’s before he sits by dad. “What made you decide to wear that dress?” He changes the subject.
“Thought it was pretty. And honestly, I wouldn’t wear it for any other reason.” I brush the dress down straightening the nonexistent wrinkles away.
“Well, it’s beautiful princess.” Dad comments. “I’m so proud of the woman you have become. I know your mother is too.” He wipes a tear from his eye.
“Daddy.” I whisper, sitting beside him. “
I wish there was something I could do.” My teary eyes meet Brennan’s.
“The fact that you’re here with me is exactly what she wanted. I just wish I was stronger than she was and had the courage to bring you two closer to her before she left.”
“I do too. It’s so hard for me, not knowing her. From what I remember, I know I loved her so much.”
“She loved you two more than you will ever know. The sun rose and set with you and Brennan. It was the least we could do for hurting you.”
“Let’s not talk about that okay?” I hug him tightly. “I want to hear about all the good she did and the smiles she offered to everyone.” He wipes his face and nods.
“Okay. I’ll try.”
~~~
The church fills up with people who came to pay their respects to my mother. Brennan, Paisley and I stand in the back of the room at the entrance greeting many strangers as they enter. Our father decided he needed a breath of fresh air before the ceremony begins. We’ve got about ten minutes before Drew’s father begins the service. I have spoken to him this morning regarding something special I wanted to do and asked if there was room for it. He reassured me that no matter what was on the agenda, that there’s always room for me.
“Do you think dad’s going to be okay?” Paisley asks. Brennan and I glance at each other quickly before answering.
“You’ve known him the longest Pai, what do you think?” Brennan says. She cringes at his response. “Look, I’m sorry for that, but this is still all too much. Forgive me?”
“It’s okay Brennan. I deserve anything you throw my way. I just didn’t realize it would happen today.” He drapes his arm around her shoulder and apologizes again.
“Pastor Johnson’s given us the nod. Go ahead and take Paisley in, I’ll get dad. Can you ask him to give us a few minutes?”
“Yeah, sure.” Brennan responds before leaning in and kissing my cheek quickly. Turning toward the main entry, I begin my search for dad.
