by Savana Jade
“You hide well, you know that?” I approach him from behind. He’s sitting on a stone bench staring at the small pond just outside of the chapel. “Mr. Johnson’s ready for us.” I sit beside him. He looks toward me.
“I’m not sure I can let go Jenna.” He says wiping his tears away. I’ve been generally numb this entire time. Until now. So many memories of my father and I rush through my head and heart.
“Daddy, you don’t have to let go.” I explain. “Keep her with you. Keep her in your heart. Keep her in your mind. But don’t let go. She may not be here physically anymore, but she’s always here with you.” I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight as we sit there for a few minutes and cry for the loss of my mother. “I don’t remember much, but I loved her with everything I have in me. It’s taken seeing you like this that’s brought it all to the surface.”
“When did you become so insightful Jenna Lynn?” He holds me in return. “Thank you for everything. Thank you for forgiving me for everything I’ve done through the years.”
“One day at a time daddy. We decided long ago that we need to live for today, with no regrets, because tomorrow may never come. We all can die tomorrow, and if we did…”
He nods in agreement. “I get it now princess. Is that how the band got its name?” His voice is still pained, but he’s keeping his emotions under control.
“Yeah.”
“Well, it’s perfect. Especially after what you two have gone through.” He kisses my forehead. “Okay, let’s get this over with shall we?” He stands and offers his hand so I take it.
Moments later, we sit beside Brennan, Paisley and Gabe in the front row. Ashley decided to sit behind us with Drew, Matt and their families. The mic comes to life and Pastor Johnson steps behind the podium.
“Hello and welcome. Today we gather in the company of family and friends not to only mourn the passing of our dear loved one, but we are here to celebrate the life of Ally Munson.” His eyes meet mine before he continues. “I have had the pleasure of spending some quality time with both Ally and Robert over these past few months. And let me tell you, she was definitely a force to be reckoned with. Her personality over everything else in her life simply overlooked the horrible disease she fought. She made some pretty terrible choices in her life that she regretted until her last breath. For a long time, she thought this was the outcome of her life decisions. I reassured her and Robert both, that this was definitely not the case. You see, I have also had the pleasure of meeting Brennan and Jenna, Ally’s son and daughter. And after some strong convincing on how wonderful her children are, I was able to reassure that even though she may have made some wrong decisions in her life, her children have flourished quite nicely.”
“Ally and I have spoken deeply before her passing regarding the service today. Instead of your traditional ceremony, she wanted to do something for her husband and children. Again, this is all Ally’s doing and if you have ever gotten a chance to truly meet her, she was one of the most hardheaded women I’ve ever known. Besides her daughter of course.” He chuckles looking my way. My heart aches a bit, but not in sadness. “So with that being said, I will follow the wishes of Mrs. Ally Munson and we will have it her way, like always. First, Jenna has something she would like to share. Jenna, sweetheart, will you please come up?” He asks. Oh wow, I didn’t think I would be first. I release my father’s hands and slowly make my way to stand behind the podium. Gabe follows me and brings a stool to sit behind me with his guitar.
“Um, hello. My name is Jenna, and Ally was, is my mother. Although I didn’t get to know her as much as you all did, I still reserved a piece of her in my heart.” I look directly at Brennan who appears shocked at the moment. I guess I should have told him about my little surprise. “Gabe and I would like to dedicate this song to mom.” My voice softens as I turn to my fiancé. “Um, it’s called ‘Tears in Heaven’ by Eric Clapton.”
The room goes silent and my father drops his head as I begin singing. Silent sobs fill the room as Gabe plays his guitar and I follow with the lyrics. I try to keep my eyes off my brother until I finish the song.
“I must be strong. And carry on. ‘Cause I know I know I don’t belong, here in heaven.” Gabe finishes the song and the room is silent with the exception of a few quiet sobs.
“Um, like I said before, I didn’t know my mom very well. I’m really not sure if most of you really knew about Brennan and me, but she was my mother nonetheless and she will always be a part of my life. She is responsible for so many things in my life, even though she wasn’t a participant in most of it. It’s important for me to be able to acknowledge that. So with that said.” I turn to the photo of her. “Mom, thank you. I hope you have found peace. Don’t worry about Brennan and me, we will be just fine.” I dab my eyes with the tissue and turn into Gabe’s open arms. He walks me back to my family and I hug each of them tight.
“Thank you Jenna. That means so much to me, your mother would have loved it. Actually I know she loves it.” Dad cries.
“You shocked the hell out of me sis.” Brennan holds me again. Before Matty and Drew lean over and offer their condolences.
“Isn’t her voice beautiful folks?” Drew’s dad says. “Have I mentioned that our children are in a band together? And of course Jenna is the lead singer. With a voice like that, they are bound to go to the top.” He has so much pride in his voice. “You see, Jenna here is best friends with my son Drew. They met during an unfortunate circumstance. However, it takes tough times to bring a light to the surface. The saying ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’ comes to thought. That is something Ally and I discussed several times before her last days here on earth. She was so proud of her children. Usually, a song is chosen from family members that is dedicated to the deceased, but Ally wanted something different. She has a little something special for each of her children and her husband. It’s her song for them.” He says before stepping back and sitting by his wife when the stereo comes to life. I gasp when I hear my mother’s voice once again.
“My dearest Robert. I know you didn’t want me to do anything special for you, but I just couldn’t help myself.” The song ‘I’m Gonna Love You through It’ by Martina McBride begins to play behind her voice. “You’ve been my savior all these years. You were my rock. It was you that kept me holding on during one of the darkest times of my life. I thank God every day for you returning to me. It must have been harder for you than it was for me to be away from you for all those years. Thank you for loving me through it during my tough times. I love you, forever and always.” The song plays and begins to morph into another.
“Paisley, love.” She begins as ‘Carry On’ by Fun begins. “You were such a hidden blessing to me. You might not have thought you were, and I know things were difficult with us. However, in the end, I believe you will be able to carry on. Allow your brother and sister to help you through the trials and tribulations of life. And please help your father during this struggling time for him. He will need your help more than ever.” The song carries on.
Once her song finishes, she begins to speak again while ‘All of the Stars’ by Ed Sheeran slowly begins. “Brennan. My handsome baby boy. I want you to always see the stars. Just like we did when we would lay in the back yard and stare at the sky. Do you remember that?” He smiles. “When I see the stars, I think of you. You are a shining star, a guide for your sisters to always find their way home, to you. Brennan, I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will. Stay strong my boy. And promise me something… Always stay open and honest with yourself.” She pauses for quite some time after his song ends. The room remains silent while we all wait for what’s next.
“And that leaves my Jenna. My little princess.” The tears in my eyes are brimming. As I let them fall, ‘Smile’ from Nat King Cole begins. She chokes up and remains quiet while the music plays on. I lean into Gabe’s hold as the song plays. My chest feels like it’s being ripped into shreds. After a while, she speaks. Her voice is sof
t, you can tell, she didn’t want to speak during the lyrics. It must have been too tough for her.
“Jenna, you are the light of my life. I have done you wrong in so many ways. Words cannot describe how truly sorry I am. Even though I’ve not been an active part of yours and Brennan’s lives, I can admit, I’ve been involved in a portion of it. I followed you and your brother through all your endeavors. My heart almost came to a stop when I thought we were going to lose you. I always planned on going before my children did, but you pushed through, didn’t you?” She pauses while the music plays. “You always smile. Your smile can change a room. It can brighten anyone’s day. I know your heart is under lock and key, but I believe that you have found the man that holds the key. I’m not sure if you have let him in yet, from what I hear, it’s up to you to let him. I know it’s because of me that you hide the pain in your heart and shelter it with a smile all the time, but I want you to smile in a different way. Smile with joy and laughter. I love you Jenna Lynn, with all I have in me. Promise me you’ll smile every day.” Drew’s father stands behind the podium once more when the music finally comes to a stop.
“Ally Munson leaves behind her husband and three children. At her request, she wishes for everyone to look around the room and celebrate her life and not mourn her death…” He goes on with the traditional service proceedings, but I’ve blocked it all out by now. I didn’t even realize he finished until Gabe stands me up with him to leave and greet more people at the door. The rest of the next few hours are in a haze until the reception begins.
Confessions
Gabe
“This is beautiful.” Ashley speaks softly leaning into my side while Brennan is in line getting their plates of food for the two of them. She’s looking around the room. “Never would I imagine something so grand.”
“Me neither. Guess this is how the big guys do it huh?” I pat her shoulder. “Remind me never to lose who we are. When I go, I want something simple like we do back at home.”
“Don’t talk like that Gabriel.” Her voice is harsh. “I hope I never have to deal with anyone leaving anytime soon.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. I don’t plan on saying goodbye to this planet for a long time.” I reassure her.
“There was a time not too long ago that I remember you begging for Him to take you instead of Jenna.”
“Ash, I wasn’t in my right mind at that time. I wanted her to pull through this. If you only saw…” My voice breaks off. “I don’t know what I would have done if something would have happened to her.”
“And I don’t know what I would have done if something would have happened to you.” She shudders.
“What are we talking about?” Brennan asks, sitting down with two plates of food. “You gonna get some food?” He asks me.
“Waiting on your sister. Where is she anyway?” I look around the room for her. Matt and Drew come to our table and sit by us with their plates of food.
“Last I saw, she was walking outside with Paisley.” Matt says, listening to our conversation as he sits with his and Willow’s plates.
Willow sits beside him uncomfortably. “I saw her in the restroom before we got in line. She said she wanted to talk to Paisley for a minute. She hasn’t come back in yet?” I shake my head looking for her again. “Maybe they are still out there. Paisley isn’t back yet either.”
“Yeah maybe.” I stand. “I guess I’ll grab us some food. I want to make sure she keeps on eating.”
“I’m sure she’ll be back by the time you’re done. The line is kind of long now. I told you to get some earlier.” Brennan dives into his plate. I turn and take one more look around the room before getting in line and wait my turn for some dinner.
After some very boring small talk with some of the people from the firm Ally’s family is involved in, I finally finish building our plates and make my way back to the table. “Still nothing?” I try to keep my calm. I must have been in line for at least a half hour. All eyes look around the table before they shake their head. “Paisley?”
“Not seen her either man.” Brennan says. “I’m sure they are still talking outside or something. Relax.”
I place her plate in front of the empty seat next to mine and decide to begin eating while I wait. Damn, these people really do know how to cook. “This is amazing.” I moan. “She’s gonna be pissed if she eats this cold.”
Minutes later Paisley comes and rests her hand on Brennan’s shoulders as she checks Drew out. I think she has a thing for him. “Everything alright here? Dad wants me to socialize, I really don’t want to, but I will be the good girl. Figured I would make a pit stop and come and say hey.” I raise my eyes from my phone to Paisleys immediately. I’ve been spinning it around on the table as I wait for Jenna. It’s a bad habit I have that she usually gets on me for.
“Jenna’s not with you?” She raises her eyebrows and shakes her head no. “But Willow said she was with you.”
“She was earlier. But that was until dinner was served.”
“You mean to tell me that you two were done talking before dinner?” I ask not caring about my tone and the fact that Ashley has her hand resting on my arm trying to encourage me to not cause a scene. I shake her hand off mine.
“Yeah. We spoke for about thirty minutes or so. I cried and she comforted me. Once I gathered myself back up, she looked at her phone and said she had a meeting to attend.” She looks around the table. “I thought you knew. I figured it was for one of the lawyers or something?”
Standing immediately, Brennan and Drew follow behind me when I make my way to Robert. “Sir, did Jenna say anything about a meeting with a lawyer tonight?” He excuses himself from the conversation he was in before turning to me.
“Um, no. Why?” He asks before continuing. “We don’t meet with another lawyer until we reach California.” He looks over to Brennan. “Son, what’s going on?”
“Jenna’s missing.” He says. Paisley comes up.
“I just checked the restrooms, she’s not there.” She rests her hand on my arm.
“Thank you for checking Paisley.” I turn to Brennen.
“Bren?” Is all I have to say, he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“She wouldn’t.” He’s shaking his head. “No, not after everything.”
“She wouldn’t what?” Robert asks. “Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?” Drew steps around us.
“Sir, Jenna has a drug issue. It should be no surprise to you that it’s how we met. She had a lapse a few weeks ago when something happened in Kansas. That’s why we left to come here alone. As her sponsor, I wanted to get her away from the temptation.” My knees feel week. I swear all the blood feels like its left me. This is all my fault. If I would have only told her the truth years ago, we wouldn’t be here right now.
“I wondered why you two showed up separately.” Their dad says looking at Brennan, but I can’t bring words to my mouth to reply. I look blankly at Brennan.
“Gabe. Hey, don’t.” He assures me. “She’s fine.” He takes me by the arm and guides me outside to get some fresh air. Once we sit down on some surrounding chairs, he continues, “Take a deep breath. Let’s call the house and see if she just went home. Maybe this was too much for her.” Matt comes running out.
“She’s not there. I just called mom. She went home to put Dani down. She hasn’t seen Jenna since the service.”
“Fuck.” I snap. “Where the hell would she go? She doesn’t know anyone out here to get anything. Unless…” I look up at Drew and Brennan. “You don’t think she had a hidden stash?”
Drew shakes his head before answering. “No, man. She didn’t, I know she didn’t. I searched her bags the night we left Kansas.” He sits. I pull out my phone and send her a text.
Where are you?
Of course, I am positive she won’t reply. I watch the screen when it changes from delivered to read. So I know she saw it.
“Paisley.” Drew says calmly. “What exactly di
d she say?” Paisley sits across us and thinks carefully.
“We were talking about mom. She was asking questions just before I broke down.” She wrings her hands together. “She pulled out her phone, I thought she was texting you guys. When she was done, she stood and told me she had a meeting to attend. Then she left. I’m sorry, I guess I should have said something.” She begins to cry. “I didn’t know.”
I stand and place my hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay Paisley, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re right, you didn’t know.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to reassure her or myself at this moment.
“Wait.” Drew stands beside me. “You said she mentioned having a meeting to attend?” She nods. “And she was looking at her phone?” She nods again.
“Drew. What’s up?” I ask.
“You don’t think she found an addiction recovery group meeting to go to do you?”
“I don’t know. I guess she could have. She hasn’t been to a meeting since you two were released from rehab.”
He pulls his phone out and searches meeting centers. “That’s because she has me to talk to every day.” He watches the screen then continues. “There’s four meetings that begin within the hour around this area.” His eyes meet mine. His parents and Ashley are now outside, curious.
Brennan takes her hand. “Ashley and I can go to one and see if we can find her there.”
“Good idea son. Let’s split up. I’ll take one location. Brennan and Ashley will take another.”
“Willow and I will take one. You and Drew can take the last one.” Matt says taking Willow’s hand.
“Drew, send them the addresses.” We all begin to move toward the parking lot. “Send me a text immediately once you get there. Make it one of those group text things. We’ll try the locations first, then we’ll try for plan B. Paisley, can you do me a favor?” I ask.
“Anything.”
“Could you go home please and look around the beach? All the way up and down the shores. That’s her favorite place to be. It calms her. Even the pier, please?” She nods in agreement.
