Catharsis

by Adrienne Lecter

  “I’m here because I didn’t want you to murder my friends in cold blood,” I pressed out, more annoyed with the sense of agreement his words caused in me than anything else.

  “You could have continued to negotiate,” Red insisted. “Your word to continue to work with us—particularly in the lab—once we all returned would have been enough for Raynor to make Morris accept any deal coming from you. You were quick to accept because you were afraid to be stuck with us without backup, that’s why you caved so easily.” I had nothing to refute that claim with, so I remained silent. At least he didn’t gloat in my face as he went on. “Fact is, a lot of people were disappointed when we returned from the factory without you, and a good third of our people dead. We lost track of you then, and could only verify that you were, in fact, even still alive after interviewing some of the people from that settlement you washed up in, and from what the marines at the Silo were ready to share of their own investigations. A week later came that grand speech of yours, and I don’t think I need to elaborate on the rest. People held up hopes that you would come to your senses until you hit the base, but that negated all the goodwill most were still extending to you. There are still those that believe you can be put to good use, but they don’t exactly rely on you being intelligent enough to see reason.”

  I so didn’t care for that narrative, but I could see where he was coming from—and it explained so much, certainly how the soldiers treated me. This morning, I’d been kind of surprised that no one had tried to jump any of us yet, but Red’s words underlined why—they didn’t see us as enough of a threat to take any of us out, and while they sure seemed to hate not just Nate’s guts for what he had done but also extended that very same courtesy to me, it still wasn’t enough for them to go against their orders. In short, I’d become too insignificant to warrant getting shot in the back of the head for insubordination. Maybe that should have eased my rampant paranoia, but it didn’t. Not completely.

  “Why tell me all that? Besides that ass ordering you to.”

  “Because you deserve to know,” Red insisted. “You deserve to know that you could have been their savior, and you let them all down. Maybe think of that next time you wield blanket statements like an ax, ready to cleave through a zombie skull. You made them your enemies, and yet, they are ready to see beyond that.”

  “Because command isn’t done with me yet.”

  “Because Emily Raynor isn’t done with you yet,” Red amended. He held my gaze for a full five seconds, then turned away with an exasperated sigh. Clearly, I had been dismissed. He then stuck two fingers in his mouth and gave a sharp whistle, making heads all around us turn. “We move out in five,” he called, pausing when his gaze returned to me. He didn’t add anything, but the way he kept looking at me made me guess that he was trying to convey a message—and my mind was too locked in its own hamster wheel circles to grasp it. Shit.

  I was still mulling that over when Nate and Burns joined me, trudging out of the house they’d been searching with Hill, while the others followed Murdock out of another. So they had waited for a moment to single me out and get me away from my people—and while it was easy to attribute that to Bucky, I didn’t buy it. Yup, that didn’t really sound like him—he would have just snatched me up, dragged me behind one of the barns, and delivered his message after adding to my half-healed collection of bruises. At least with that, it would have been easy to guess what he was playing at. With Red, all I could tell was that he was still trying to play me, but I didn’t get why he bothered to make things so complicated—and that made it hard to guess why he was doing it in the first place. I so didn’t like that.

  “Any reason why you’re scowling like that?” Burns asked, but the way he and Nate kept glaring in Bucky’s direction made me guess that I could easily get away with a lie—if it even was one.

  “Found some sexy panties for you,” I quipped instead. “Might keep them, though. Not sure you deserve them.”

  Burns’s raucous laughter was balm on my soul, and I told myself to just forget about what had happened. Nothing I could do about it now, and it wasn’t like I had the time or opportunity to hash out the details with Nate. Not that I particularly wanted to, I had to admit. There was one part about it all that Red hadn’t stressed—not even mentioned, I realized—but that stood out like a red-hot spike in my side: it had been Nate’s order that had made Bailey eat that damn tainted chocolate bar to make himself insta-convert, bringing an end to negotiations at the factory by escalating things before any kind of agreement or deal could have been struck. Wilkes—and probably every single soldier here, and back home—thought that Nate was the mastermind behind our crusade, using me as a figurehead only. In fact, that was also a very good explanation why no one but Bucky had tried any funny stuff with me—they didn’t think I made a worthy target. I trusted Nate with my very life, but it was impossible to forget how everything between us had started—with him manipulating me. If not to fall for him, then to join him, and later, to learn to survive without going crazy with fear first.

  Staring after Red as he sent the first fire team forward, I couldn’t quell the resentment toward him that was welling up inside of me. I was not going to let anyone make me doubt Nate—but I also wasn’t naive enough to ignore the fact that he was still very happy to lean back in his proverbial seat and let me drive when it was convenient for him.

  When it was time for us to take the lead, I was only too happy to bash in some shambler skulls that got in our way. That part of my life had always been so simple. When had everything else gotten so fucking complicated?

  Chapter 14

  As the day dragged on, the weather soon got worse, light snow falling between icy gusts of wind slicing across the few exposed parts of my face. One might have figured that with visibility dropping as the conditions worsened, the shamblers would have called it a day, but the opposite was true. The early darkness seemed to trigger their nocturnal roaming behavior—as Red liked to call it—ending with us encountering way more than I felt the lot of us was equipped to handle without using firearms, which would have likely called down several hundreds more on us. So sneaking around and backtracking it was, until even Bucky seemed to have had enough of making me suffer and called for an early night, a good five miles short of where we should have made camp. By then I was tired and miserable enough to stop caring about the emotional malaise my conversation with Red had thrown me into, but I all too soon was reminded of that when it was first watch shift for me again, and I had no additional cause for paranoia than the predators possibly lurking beyond the few feet I could see.

  The third time my perimeter round made me cross paths with Hill, I paused, waiting for him to catch up with me. “What’s up?” he asked, sounding about as enthusiastic as I felt.

  “Got a question for you, if you have a minute.”

  He chuckled softly as he checked his watch. “Still seventy-two more left. Ask away. Anything beats staring into the darkness.”

  Considering that a bunch of shamblers could have danced right by us and we wouldn’t have seen them, that sounded less like a security hazard than it probably was. I wondered how to approach the topic, but Hill didn’t really strike me as someone who would appreciate me pussy-footing around it for long. “It’s about something Richards said to me earlier today.” I cast him a sidelong glance, waiting for some reaction that would indicate that I was right in guessing that Red had made sure to get me alone, but Hill gave me nothing except for a brief shudder when the wind hurled yet more sleet in our faces. “He said that, back in the spring when we popped up on the radar, everyone got very excited about me still being alive.”

  I’d expected to have to explain in more detail, but Hill’s low laughter spared me that. “Ah, I see. He tried to butter you up with that tale about you being our savior, or something like that?”

  I couldn’t hold back a snort. “More like, guilt-trip me. But yes, that.”

  “And now you want me to tell you that h
e was bullshitting you? Because I’m so much more trustworthy than the brass,” he surmised. I paused and looked away, pretending to peer into the darkness, but there was nothing to see.

  “So far, you haven’t lied to me.”

  “Got no cause whatsoever to,” Hill responded, faintly amused. “Tell you what, girl, I’m the wrong one to ask about that. Haven’t needed a savior myself in over fifteen years, and that’s not going to change any time soon.”

  “But you were there,” I insisted, biting my lip as I hoped I wasn’t making a fool of myself. “I’m terrible with names but a lot better with faces. I think I remember you from that damn intersection, when I went with Miller and what remained of his guys while the rest of the scientists went with Hamilton and the lot of you.”

  “Good catch,” he admitted. “Ever second-guessed that decision?”

  I hesitated, but then shook my head. It was only fair that I gave a little myself. “No. I’m aware that everyone thinks I should, but I haven’t.”

  “Good.” When he saw the surprise on my face, he snorted. “If you doom yourself, you should do it with conviction and without looking back. Yeah, I was there. I was at that factory as well, and before that, I would have been part of the group to bring you up to Raynor’s fortress. What’s the part that has your panties all in a twist? Why none of us is planning on going against our orders and taking any perceived or real misgivings out on you now?”

  “Honestly, yes, but that’s not what I was wondering about. Just checking how much bullshit Richards is trying to feed me.”

  Hill kicked at some rocks in our way, the smaller ones not even skipping as they landed in the thickening blanket of snow on the ground. “Was there some excitement about them finding you again? Yes, but the LT likely exaggerated that in favor of, how did you put it? Guilt-tripping you. We’d lost so many smart people by then that anyone popping back up on the radar was good news, but what’s all that to grunts like us? Just more work to either guard or play fetch. The part he likely left out was that who else was still living and breathing caused way more of a stir. After running the show for over seven months, Hamilton had been sure there wouldn’t be a contender for top dog around anymore who’d be able to go toe to toe with him. And not only did your husband survive, but also his two favorite attack dogs, and a whole bunch of other very capable people. How to approach them was what held up command before they settled on sending us out to meet you all head-on. Raynor wanted you, and from what I hear, some of the brass was ready to extend a really sweet deal to the rest of your people to immediately double our strike team capabilities. Strangely enough, it was a kill order that we got the day we set up shop in that factory. So either some messages had gotten mixed up, or…”

  He trailed off there, giving me a bright grin. I could easily fill in the blanks.

  “Or someone expected to meet too much opposition to be able to fulfill their orders,” I finished for him. Which was exactly what had happened—predictably so.

  “We still would have done our best to keep you alive,” he offered, as if in afterthought. “But not because they thought you were their savior.”

  The heavy layers of my gear weren’t enough to stave off the chills that statement sent down my spine. “So what changed? Because if I’m honest, I’m only moderately concerned that one of you might shiv me as I take a dump, but that’s about it.”

  Hill gave me a look that told me I should already know the answer. “You kicked our asses, that’s what. The brass might be so very fond of all those fancy words, but the grunts only care about one thing.”

  “Getting fed?”

  That got me a loud laugh. Something rustled in the bushes, making us both tense and wait for it to come hurling at us, but it must have been some small animal, scurrying off.

  “That, too,” Hill said. “Two things then. Showing strength is always a good shortcut. The likes of Richards and Hamilton would never admit it, but a lot of us gave you props for that stunt you successfully pulled. Or Miller pulled and you did a good job pretending like it was you, who cares. Not everyone was on board with the shit that started up over the summer, least of all kidnapping women but also slaughtering the lot of you scavengers on sight, without even offering you a chance to join us. And while many might hate your guts because your crusade got friends of theirs killed, it was the type of show of strength that also gets you some admiration, like an enemy that you know is worth fighting, and maybe even losing to. You were the antithesis to everything, good same as bad. That’s why we’ve had a small problem with deserters since the summer, and also why Wilkes over at his Silo has his hands full with extra mouths to feed. He might not want that job, but he’s shown that he’s more of a mediator than contender. After getting their teeth kicked in, some people like to be cautious and wait out the storm until it blows over.” He paused, then asked, “Want some advice?”

  “Sure, hit me with it.” I was certain I wouldn’t like what he was about to tell me, but it wasn’t like I could back down now.

  “Stop being such a judgmental bitch, and things will blow over.”

  Yup, I’d been right with my assessment, but that didn’t mean Hill didn’t surprise me there. “Judgmental like what? You really need to be specific there.”

  He chuckled under his breath. “Ain’t that the truth. All of it, or as much as you can manage. Could every single one of us be holding a general, and more recently, personal grudge against you? Hell, yes, but that doesn’t mean all of us are, generally and personally, out to get you, or turn into murdering, lying, raping bastards. You are burning more bridges with your behavior right now than when you led your misfits to Colorado. Just let it go. Water under the bridge, can’t change what has already happened. You’re stuck with us, and we’re stuck with you. Not two sides, two opposing forces and ideology, but all of us, as in people. Start dealing with what happened and how people are treating you rather than resenting what may or may not have happened. You don’t have to like us, and we sure as hell won’t easily like you. You probably won’t have to deal with any of us ever again once this is over. But until then, you don’t have a choice, so make the best of it.”

  “Gee, that sounds cheerful,” I grumbled when nothing else came to mind. Hill seemed mighty proud of himself and the blow he must’ve known he’d just delivered, but at least he didn’t jeer in my face. Maybe there was some good advice in there. Maybe not.

  “Just a thought,” he proposed.

  We trudged on through the snow that was falling heavier now without a sign that it would let up soon. It was a good place to end this travesty of a conversation, but as I had him talking with his heart on his sleeve, I might as well get a smidgen more insight before my prejudiced bitch behavior had a chance to burn that bridge for good.

  “I’ve been wondering for a while now…” I started, trailing off when words failed me.

  “It’s too cold for me to whip my dick out, if that’s why you’re hedging. You’ll have to contain your curiosity until much later.”

  That remark, as expected, made me laugh. “No, thanks. Absolutely no curiosity there. What do you and your people think of how this all started? I mean, you all know about Alders and his eco warrior would-be terrorists.”

  Hill gave a condescending huff. “Heard? Yes. Believe? Not a chance.”

  Another surprise. “But we all know that the sugar’s contaminated, and even after almost wiping us off the face of the earth, Alders continued fucking with us, giving Taggard that tweaked version of the serum that would slowly turn everyone into zombies.”

  “And? You yourself should know best that a single person can wreak a lot of havoc. Doesn’t mean they started the apocalypse.”

  “So at least that part is true?” I just had to get confirmation. “That Alders managed to somehow infiltrate your illustrious organization and work on eroding the very pillars of your foundation?”

  I got another laugh for that, if toned-down enough not to carry very far. That one scare had
been enough. “Not saying he’s single-handedly responsible for all the shit that’s happened, but we lost a good thousand people to that. And it was effective in stirring up enough shit to bring you down on us, no sense denying that. You know he’s a scapegoat. Both of them were. And Hamilton got you to take them out for him within a single day to tie everything up with a neat, tidy bow. Now there’s no one left to prove otherwise. Convenient, wouldn’t you say?”

  And it was that last comment, after the jeering that I deserved, that made me pause.

  “You don’t believe it,” I stressed, maybe needlessly.

  Hill shrugged. “It’s all the same to me, really. I’m just a grunt. What do I care? What does anyone else care about my opinion? Maybe you should take a page from that book as well. I’m sure someone way higher up than me—and your personal friend Hamilton—knows, and knows how to pull the strings.” He grinned. “Or maybe I’m just a dumb fuck who likes to amuse himself with conspiracy theories. Who knows? Get back to your watch. Besides, why are you even that paranoid? Sure, you stirred up some shit, but you couldn’t have killed more than five, maybe seven people on our base. We lose more while cleaning weapons in a good week.”

  I was about to turn away and do what he’d told me to—get back to perimeter watch—but halted. Yet when I looked back, Hill’s silhouette was already disappearing into the dark of night. What the fuck had that been about?