by Paris Rose
He was always working and leaving me alone. And the rare times we were together, he was dominating or disciplining me. I was glad I was making him happy, but I needed for us to find more of a balance so I could get my needs met, too. Lately, I was feeling unfulfilled. I couldn’t believe it had taken me this long to finally say something. The “me” of last year would have confronted the issue as soon as it arose. I really had changed. Deep inside, I felt I wasn’t worthy of Trevor or the lifestyle that he provided, so I was desperately trying to go with the flow and not rock the boat. But Jade was right—I was just as important as Trevor’s businesses, and I deserved to be happy, too. My talk with her last night had really empowered me.
I took a long, hot shower and mentally prepared what I was going to say to Trevor. After I got dressed, I took a deep breath, marched down the hall, and knocked on the door to his office. There was no answer. I slowly and quietly opened the door so as not to interrupt him if he was busy. I wanted him to be in a good mood when we had our conversation. His office was empty. I decided to sit at his desk and wait for him. I knew he was home somewhere and would return to his office soon.
There was a part of me that was glad he wasn’t there so I could have more time to gather my thoughts. My stomach was in knots as I eased myself into his oversized leather desk chair. Something on his computer caught my eye. There was a video playing in the corner of the screen. I maximized it. “Lexi Gets Punished” flashed in an obnoxious font that looked like flames at the top of the screen. I could hear really hard rock music coming from Trevor’s headphones that were plugged into the computer.
I hesitantly put them on. The noise cancellation head phones blocked out the world and I was sucked into the alternate reality on the screen—Trevor’s reality. There was a young girl in the scene who couldn’t have been any older than eighteen years and a day. Her platinum blonde hair was pulled into pigtails with ribbons tied in them. She was gagged and bound with her own lacey pink lingerie. It looked like her panties were in her mouth, and her wrists were tied together in front of her with stockings. She was bent over a table that had raised metal spikes that pressed into her exposed breasts and her outstretched forearms. It looked painful and uncomfortable.
There were two naked men hovering over her, each wearing leather masks. One had a long leather whip, and one had an oversized paddle with holes drilled into it. They took turns swatting her.
Her body bucked every time either one of them struck her. I could hear her stifled screams over the blaring guitar riff even though she was gagged. Red welts covered the fair white skin on her bottom. Her mascara started to run and her eyes became bloodshot as dark tears overflowed and stained her rosy cheeks.
I was disturbed by what I was witnessing, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop watching. A busty brunette entered the scene, wearing only a bra and a skimpy thong. She gasped at the sight of Lexi being punished by the two naked men. She immediately began touching herself and moaning. I rolled my eyes at the scene’s lack of authenticity. The man with the wooden paddle asked the brunette if she wanted some, too, and she enthusiastically gushed that she did. He bent her over the opposite side of the table that Lexi was on and ripped off her bra and panties. He grabbed a handful of her hair, pushed her down into the metal spikes, and mercilessly paddled her. She screamed a string of expletives.
My stomach turned as I realized that Trevor got off on such violent fantasies.
Oh! No wonder Trevor had been so hesitant about bringing me into his world in the beginning.
I cringed as the music climaxed and the men continued spanking the girls on the screen with even more fervor. The brunette’s screams rung in my ears and the sight of Lexi’s bruised and welted bottom made my skin crawl.
Is this what Trevor is going to do to me eventually?
Just when I thought the scene couldn’t get any worse, it cut to both of the girls on top of the spiked table on their hands and knees, facing opposite directions with their bottoms pressed together. I could see there was a double-sided dildo between them as the girls pushed in and out against each other.
Lexi’s face was covered in tears, and the brunette twisted and contorted her face each time the sex toy entered her. The guys in the leather masks were touching themselves and barking orders at the girls to go harder.
This is so sick.
My stomach heaved. I couldn’t take anymore. I took off the headphones and grabbed the trash can next to the desk. I thought I was going to throw up. I gagged violently, but luckily nothing came out. I felt a lump growing in my throat as tears started to well in my eyes.
What kind of person would be turned on by such a disturbing scene? …Oh yeah, my boyfriend, that’s who.
I was sick with grief over the realization that Trevor’s mind must be wired all wrong. For months, I’d tried to understand his love of power plays and his need to control, and I had actually grown accustomed to his lifestyle, but what I saw on the screen was just too much. I’d already lost a piece of myself by submitting to Trevor one time too many. I didn’t like who I was becoming. And now, on top of that, part of me feared that eventually Trevor’s dark side would take over and he would hurt me physically or break me emotionally even more than he already had.
I swallowed hard because I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want any of this to be happening. Finding Trevor’s pornography gave me insight into his psyche that I could have done without. I would give anything to un-see what I just saw.
I racked my brain, trying to figure out if I could somehow block out everything I had just discovered about him and carry on as if nothing had happened. I was starting to change my mind about talking to him about our relationship at all. I just wanted to be happy again, like I’d been when I first moved in with him.
Back then, experimenting with new fantasies was fun and not so dark. I was so shaken up. I needed to be held. But I was hesitant to run into Trevor’s arms, because he was the one who caused my pain. I was hoping that if we did talk about this, there was something he could do or say to clear things up and to take away the ominous feeling I had about him.
As if he could hear my thoughts, I heard him open the door. I looked up as he walked into the office. He was shirtless, his hair was wild, and his pants were undone. I could tell he had just been in the middle of pleasuring himself. His eyes grew wide when he saw me at his desk. I was frozen as I looked up at him. We both just stared at each other without saying a word. I started to tear up out of embarrassment and shock. I knew I’d seen something I wasn’t supposed to see, and I had no idea how I wanted to address it, so I just decided to let Trevor be the first one to speak.
“Giavanna, were you on my computer while I wasn’t in here?” He closed the door behind him as if to give us privacy, although no one else was home.
“Trevor, I’m sorry. I wasn’t snooping around, I swear. I came in to talk to you, and when I couldn’t find you, I just decided to wait here.” My voice quivered. “I know what you’re really asking is did I see your video, and the answer is yes. I know I shouldn’t have kept watching, but I did. I watched the whole thing.”
His gaze softened as he walked over to me. “So you liked it? You liked my Lexi video?” He sounded relieved.
“Trevor, no! That video is sick, and I’m repulsed by the fact that you could even think that I would like it.” My voice was shrill. I couldn’t hide my disgust.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but maybe if you were a better lover, I wouldn’t have to spend so much time watching porn,” he snapped back. His words stung. I felt like I had been smacked in the face.
“Fuck you, Trevor!” I shot up out of my chair and slammed both hands down on the desk. I had reached my breaking point, and I was ready to stand up for myself. “I’ve bent over backwards, forwards, and everywhere in between to please you. How dare you say that to me?!” I shrieked. I bit my lip and stared down at the desk as I unsuccessfully tried not to cry. Attempting to suppress my emotions made me shake uncon
trollably and cry even harder.
“Well, I’m sorry the truth hurts, Giavanna. But I guess that really wasn’t a nice thing for me to say.” He tried to pull me into his embrace, but I pushed him away from me.
“Don’t touch me!” I exclaimed through gritted teeth while staring down at my hands. My fists were bawled up so tightly that my knuckles had turned white. The tension in the room was intense. There weren’t enough apologies in the world that could take back what Trevor had just said. I raised my head and looked directly into his hypnotic dark brown eyes. “Have I really not pleased you, Trevor? Are you truly that unsatisfied?” I asked softly. My voice was barely above a whisper. I sniffled as I waited for his reply. We held each other’s gaze in silence for what felt like an eternity.
“Giavanna, baby, I know that you’ve been trying really hard. And there are times when you really have satisfied me. But lately, I feel like you force me to hold back too much. Ever since the night of the charity dinner, I’ve been afraid that you’ll freak out if I exert my full control over you the way I want to…the way I need to. Sure, you’ve obediently worn the diamond collar, and you’ve submitted to me in limited ways, and I’m grateful for that. But let’s be honest, your threshold for pain is low, and sometimes it seems like you can’t control your emotions. Too often, I feel like I can’t discipline you the way that I would like to.” He stepped forward and caressed my arm. “But don’t worry, baby, it’s nothing we can’t overcome. No matter what, I’m willing to work with you and teach you how to make me happy. You have so much potential. I want this to work out.”
“What do you want from me, Trevor? Do you want me to be like those girls in the video?” I gestured toward the computer screen.
“No, Giavanna, I don’t want you to be the girls in the video. I want you to be you, but I do expect you to keep working on your pain threshold and your psychological barriers so that at some point, you will be able to take a spanking the way that those girls can. That’s not too unreasonable, is it?” He spoke casually. The flippant way he talked about training me to take a beating made me nauseated.
“Trevor, are you even listening to yourself? Do you realize how sick and dysfunctional you sound? The women in that video were being beaten and humiliated. That’s what you want me to work myself up to? You can’t be serious.” I shook my head in disbelief.
“If you call me sick one more time, you’re going to see a side of me that you don’t want to see.” His voice was low and tense. “Now please, respect my desires and fantasies, just as I do yours. You should not be judging me for my sexual proclivities, even if they’re not exactly what you’re into.”
“I think it’s too late. I’ve already seen more of you than I want to see.” My voice cracked, and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. “I can’t do this anymore, Trevor. You’ve taken all I have. I have nothing left to give you. I’m sorry.”
“Giavanna, think about what you’re doing. We’ve built a nice life together. You finally get to be on TV like you’ve always wanted. And you’ve even said it yourself, I’ve broadened your sexual horizons. And lately, I’ve really been able to soften your rough edges. I’d say you’ve really grown since we’ve been together. And believe me the best is yet to come.”
“Trevor, I’m so grateful for everything you have given me, especially the position on Rock Hard TV. But I’d rather work hard and earn a spot on TV myself instead of having it handed to me. And yes, you have broadened my sexual horizons, but you’ve also pushed and broken my limits.” I looked away to gather my thoughts as tears streamed down my cheeks. I took a deep breath before speaking. “Trevor, I need to get away from you so I can find myself again. I don’t like the person I’ve become in this relationship. I think it’s time for me to leave.” I choked on the lump in my throat. I couldn’t believe my fairy tale romance was crumbling before me.
“If you leave, I’m changing the locks and you can’t come back. I mean that. And of course, you’ll have to leave your position on Rock Hard TV. You’ll have to start over with no job and no connections. You’re going back to ground zero, and once it’s done, you can’t undo it. So I want you to think before you do something you’ll regret.”
His words hit me in the pit of my stomach. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me as I realized that if I broke things off, Trevor would cut me off completely. I closed my eyes and searched deep within for any trace of strength that I might have managed to salvage despite the assault on my psyche that Trevor had inflicted over the past several months.
“I know what I’m doing, Trevor. It’s not easy to leave, but I don’t think I can stay here anymore.” My lip quivered as I felt another wave of emotion overtake me.
“You sure you don’t just need a good spanking to work out some of your confusion? I’ll even go easy on you. I promise I can make you feel better.” His eyes glistened with a twisted desire. It made me feel nostalgic and uneasy at the same time.
I used everything that was in me to maintain eye contact with him without breaking down again. “I don’t mean this with any disrespect. I’m saying this because I care. You need professional help, Trevor. I love you, but I can’t help you. I can’t let you break me to keep yourself together anymore.” I swallowed hard. I grabbed his hand and squeezed. “But I really do want to see you happy. Please promise me you’ll get some help, Trevor.”
I saw a hint of contempt flicker in his eyes, and he snatched his hand away from me. “I appreciate your concern, Giavanna, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Yes, my wants and needs may not be as mainstream as everybody else’s but maybe you’re the one with the problem. Perhaps you are just too closed-minded to understand me. I hate to see you go, but if you can’t accept me for who I am, then maybe it’s for the best.”
My eyes welled with tears as I realized that Trevor was probably damaged beyond repair.
“I need to be alone,” I croaked. My voice was barely audible.
I pushed past Trevor and went to our bedroom and closed the door. I drew the curtains and crawled into the fetal position in the center of our king-sized bed. I closed my eyes, knowing that this would be the last time I laid my head on that pillow. I tried to push myself to get up and to get out of there before I changed my mind and got sucked back into Trevor’s dark abyss. I didn’t know where to go or who to call. Amber was still on tour abroad, and I didn’t feel comfortable talking to Jade about the video I saw because, despite all the hard times, I still didn’t want to betray Trevor’s trust and humiliate him in front of his friends. I felt so alone. There was no one I could turn to.
At least I still had my apartment in Chicago. I mentally patted myself on the back for holding my ground on keeping my apartment. I never anticipated that I would actually need to ever go back to it, but my instincts told me not to break the lease just in case. Trevor paid the rent a year in advance, so I still had six months that were taken care of. Since Trevor had paid all of my expenses from the moment I moved to L.A. with him, I was able to save a lot of money. Even though I probably had enough savings to last me until I found a job, the thought of surviving on my own made me anxious. I had grown accustomed to the lifestyle that Trevor and I created together. I didn’t know how I could go back to struggling.
How will I find another job? I can’t go back to my old job… Kevin probably wouldn’t let me. What will I do about clothes? I can’t keep the clothes Trevor bought me. How will I sleep without Trevor by my side? I do love him despite his flaws. Perhaps I should just learn to be more accepting. No…no no…I have to leave before he destroys me. I have to get out… Now!
I was overwhelmed by my overlapping thoughts. I wrapped my arms around myself to try to stop shaking. I’d never been so fearful of the future in my life. I knew I needed to get up and make a plan, or at least start packing my belongings, but I was paralyzed by grief and confusion. I rolled over and pulled Trevor’s pillow to my chest. It smelled just like him. I buried my face in his scent and wep
t silently until I had no tears left to cry.
* * *
I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up, it was dark out and Trevor was next to me in bed. A shock of dark, shaggy hair fell just below his brow, and his features looked flawless as he lay there motionless. He seemed so peaceful.
I propped myself on my elbow and watched him sleep for a while. If I hadn’t experienced it firsthand, I wouldn’t have believed that the man before me was even capable of having such dark and twisted sexual proclivities. Trevor had so many layers that I couldn’t wrap my head around his complexity. As much as part of me wished that I could be the person he needed me to be, deep inside, I knew that no matter how strictly I complied with his wishes, I could never make Trevor whole. Despite our feelings for each other, he wasn’t able to provide me with the healthy, loving relationship that I deserved. And I would never be able to fulfill his fantasies without secretly judging him, and that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. There was no way around it. I had to leave.
I thought about getting up, packing, and slipping out the door before he woke up so I wouldn’t have to bear the pain of saying goodbye.
No, that would be shitty. Trevor deserves better. I deserve better.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his stomach as I pondered how to best say goodbye. After a few moments, he stirred beneath me and returned my embrace. He ran his fingers through my hair.
“I’m glad you’re still here, Giavanna. I was hoping you would come to your senses and stay,” he murmured as he slowly came out of sleep.
I held my breath and didn’t respond. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, but I knew I couldn’t lie there forever. After several moments, I exhaled and sat up. Trevor was rubbing his eyes. I gazed at him. He looked so docile and content. I was really going to miss him.
