A Secret Passion

by Sophia Nash

  She would go. She wasn’t comfortable with her decision, but she was packed. And Theo had not had to resort to any of his repeated threats over the course of the last two days. The way Jane envisioned it, she might even be able to go and be in his presence for a few short hours at most. She and Theo would stay but one night in Clarissa’s small cottage. That was the promise she had insisted on and secured from her brother. After the wedding ceremony, they would go the short distance to Portsmouth and stay at an inn. At the very least, the trip to Littlefield would ease her guilt over denying Clarissa’s appeals.

  With heavy heart, Jane left. She felt a pang when she noticed a conspiratorial wink from George to Theo as she entered the carriage. It seemed everyone thought her reluctance amusing.

  “You do realize Lord Graystock said he had no desire to continue our acquaintance. Why you insist on adding to his discomfort I do not know. But I shall say no more. I am bored with our discussion already. I hope you do not expect witty conversation this trip, for I am not up to the task.”

  “A bitter tongue does not suit you, Jane. Come on, shake hands with me, then. I won fair and square this time. You win most of the other times. Be a gentleman even though you aren’t wearing those breeches again today. Thank God, I might add!”

  Chapter Sixteen

  THE winds were blowing less now, but the air became chilly as they moved up the eastern coast. The chestnut trees she had seen earlier in the year, lush with foliage, were dropping their matted ceiling of leaves with every rush of wind. The promise of spring was now lost to autumn’s killing frost.

  Jane clutched her hands in front of her to stave off the slight trembling as they approached Littlefield. As the carriage stopped in front of the grove of trees between the road and Clarissa’s cottage, Theo leaned forward and opened the door. After bounding down, he held his hand up to help her. She avoided glancing about her and hurried to the cottage.

  Theo laughed. “You are a hen-hearted girl! Fear not. There is not a soul about at this unearthly hour.”

  Jane turned. “If you are going to continue to tease and needle me, I will return to Portsmouth now! See if I don’t!”

  Theo relented and whistled a merry tune while walking toward their aunt’s door.

  Rolfe stood staring out the intricate stained-glass windows, his hands clasped behind him, feeling very relaxed. While it was true he had had only a few hours of sleep the night before, he was fully awake and could smile at the nervous tapping of Sir Thomas’ fashionably shod foot beside him.

  “Steady there, Gooding. Wouldn’t want to appear rickety, would you?” he asked with a smile. “I suppose you would be calm if we switched places?” Sir Thomas asked as Rolfe patted him on the back.

  Rolfe could be relaxed, as he had had a moment the previous evening, when he had arrived, to review the list of people who had accepted invitations to breakfast at Hesperides. Her name was not on it; only Theodore was included on the list. Even the father had chosen to stay away, much to Rolfe’s relief.

  Yet while he could remain steady, there was just the smallest part of him that had shriveled up and died last night. It was the part that had smoldered the past month while he had traveled among his far-flung estates. It had refused to budge despite the hours of tormented reflection he had endured. It was final now. She was lost to him.

  The morning sunbeams, streaming into the small church through the arched front doorway, dimmed as a few quiet noises emanated from the back. The pews, filled to capacity, became hushed as a backlit figure moved to the center aisle. Rolfe looked at his friend to see joy fill his face. He looked back at Clarissa to find her looking younger than he remembered, and almost pretty in a cream-colored dress and long gloves.

  Another slim figure was beside her, rearranging a flower in her hair. The familiar form slipped into the second-row pew next to her brother.

  Rolfe turned toward the old reverend and stood motionless, feeling all the blood rush from his head into his pulsating fingertips. Good God! He wasn’t going to faint, was he? No, never that. She had come. He closed his eyes and tried to think. She had come because it was her duty. Her aunt would have begged her to attend during this, the most celebrated day of her life.

  He opened his eyes again as he heard Reverend Gurcher’s request for the ring. He managed his office without a tremor, all the while keeping his eyes fixed on the couple before him. A loud whirring in his ears would not allow him to hear the rest of the vows. Finally, raucous laughter and good cheer filled the church while everyone filtered out into the yard.

  Rolfe was the last to leave the church and the first to enter one of the few carriages in the yard. The vast majority of the villagers had chosen to walk to Hesperides, given the sparkling perfection of the cool day. Rolfe closed the curtains of his carriage to block out the light and any urge he might have to look for her face among the throngs of people. He lay back against the cushions and sighed. She had come after all.

  As she trudged through the fallen leaves, up the last hill before the vista that held the entrance to Hesperides Hall, only Theo’s strong arm linked with hers kept her moving forward.

  He had not looked at her once during the entire ceremony. It did not bode well for her. But then, perhaps she was just of a timorous mind. Viewing the large number of villagers walking before her, she thought there was a good chance she would have to endure only a few minutes before the host, bidding the required number of thank-yous and good days. Before she could form in her mind the words she would say, she found Theo propelling her up the long steps leading to Hesperides Hall, where the doors had been thrown open wide to admit all. She pulled the edges of her pale gray cloak more tightly together as she looked at Theo.

  “It will be all right. Don’t be such a ninny. It doesn’t suit you,” he whispered before bowing to the dowager countess.

  “So good to see you again, Lady Graystock,” Jane murmured as she curtsied. She presented her brother to the older lady.

  “My dear, the pleasure is all mine, I am sure. I had such grand hopes you would attend. A pity you could not come earlier for the fall festival this week past. But then, I failed to entice my grandson as well.” The matriarch patted Jane’s hand. “The weather cooperated, and such a fine time was had. But never mind, you are here now. Come, let me introduce you to the Smiths, and the Kellerys down from London,” Lady Graystock said as she motioned the footmen to close the doors.

  “You are most kind, Lady Graystock,” Theo responded.

  “Young man, at my age, one is not kind, just practical!” she responded with a deep chuckle. “Ah, I see Mrs. Gurcher headed our way. Make your escape while you can. I am afraid, my dears, you are going to have to fend for yourselves,” she continued while extending a welcoming hand and a false smile to the reverend’s loquacious wife.

  Theo pulled Jane into the large salon in the rear of the hall. Spanning one end of the mansion to the other, the sunny yellow room was filled with the happy sounds of a celebration. Mounds of sugared confections and exotic fruits were artfully piled on tiered stands upon the large table in the center of the room. The scent of hothouse flowers teased Jane’s nostrils as she and Theo advanced toward the largest gathering of people, sure to include the bride and her proud husband. Jane was careful to keep her eyes trained on the floor ahead of her.

  “Ah, you are here at last! Theo, Jane, do come stand beside me,” Clarissa implored with a radiant expression.

  Jane’s eyes darted to the tall gentleman standing next to Sir Thomas. Her gaze moved away when she perceived his reserved expression.

  “Aunt Clarissa, as I told you this morning, you are a ravishing bride, and Sir Thomas—you are a lucky man!” Theo exclaimed as he clapped his hand on Sir Thomas’ shoulder.

  “I am indeed. And you both have made my bride very happy with your presence, and so you are in my good favor.”

  “Thank you, Lord Graystock, for your kind invitation to my sister and to me,” Theo continued.

  The e
arl bowed to Theo and Jane. “Where is Mr. Thompson? I am sorry he was not able to be present,” Lord Graystock said.

  Startled, Jane responded. “Why, he’s at university for the start of the term.” She turned to Clarissa and Sir Thomas then. “But he did ask me to send you his warmest regards and best wishes on this happy occasion.”

  Sir Thomas embraced Jane and added, “And now I may finally call you my niece. Doesn’t that sound grand? And you may both call me ‘Uncle Thomas’ instead of that stodgy old title!”

  Theo laughed and shook hands with his newest relative as Jane moved again to Clarissa’s side, furthest from the earl’s penetrating stare. Jane felt all the awkwardness of Lord Graystock’s presence and could not make her mind or her mouth function as etiquette dictated.

  “And has Mr. Thompson’s ankle healed properly, then?” asked Lord Graystock with the minimum of words.

  “Yes, quite. When last I saw him, he was walking with the barest limp. The doctor said he would be fully recovered in another few weeks’ time,” replied Jane without looking at him.

  “I am glad to hear it,” he replied. A silence fell on the group, all the more noticeable because of the boisterous goings-on all around them. Jane felt deafening pressure to fill the void.

  A tall, dark beauty moved toward the group and slipped her arm through Lord Graystock’s. “Ah, there you are, my lord. I have been searching quite throughout the Hall for you. Have you forgotten the tour of the portrait gallery you promised me? And of course Mama?” The circle moved back to include the intruder. “But I see I have interrupted you.”

  “Not at all, Miss Kellery. May I introduce you to our new guests?”

  The elegant young lady looked toward Jane and Theo. “Oh, there is no need, I have known Jane forever. We had our come-out in London together, even the same dancing instructor. And of course, I have met her brother. Mr. Fairchild?” she said with a curtsy to Theo and a tilt of her nose toward Jane. “I was so sorry to learn of your unfortunate misadventure with Mr. Billingsley this past spring, Jane. A bit of a muddle, was it not? Whatever happened? The town fairly buzzed with your news, but then you up and disappeared. I am sure I had no idea I would find you here! It has all subsided, you know, what with the ton’s attention drawn to newer on-dits…” she would have prattled on, clearly bent on rattling Jane, had not Graystock intervened.

  “Shall we ascend to the gallery now? Perhaps your mother grows weary waiting for us.”

  “Oh, of course, sir. I would not dream of inconveniencing you, or taking you away from your guests, though,” Miss Kellery added with a sparkle in her eyes. She had a very clever way of drawing all the gentlemen’s attention to her bubbling form.

  “Not at all. It is my pleasure.” He escorted her through the maze of people toward the doors.

  With Miss Lavinia Kellery and Lord Graystock gone, Jane regained a small degree of her usual poise and made an effort to please her aunt with every expression of happiness she could compose. And it was not difficult, as her aunt had never appeared as radiant or as happy as she did that day. Jane tried mightily to hide her anguish. Lavinia had, without doubt, captivated Lord Graystock with her vivacity and charm.

  After she consumed the obligatory number of cakes and fruits, and spoke to the required number of people, Jane took her leave with a huge sigh of relief. She felt guilty not staying a bit longer after the urgings of Lady Graystock. She arranged to meet Clarissa at the cottage before they both departed that same late afternoon, one toward Portsmouth, the other toward Chichester. Theo refused to budge from the Hall due to the pouty charms of the local squire’s daughter.

  “If you want to return to the cottage for the exciting job of repacking our few possessions, go right on ahead, Jane. I’ve had enough of carting you around!” whispered Theo, thoroughly put out by Jane’s repeated requests to leave.

  Stung by his words, she turned and walked from the yellow room, through the Hall, and out the door pulled open by the lounging footman. She was able to release all the pent-up air in her lungs only when she had walked a quarter mile past the tree-lined drive. When she was sure she was out of sight, she moved behind one of the large oak trees in the field and leaned against it. She burst into tears and sagged down the length of the support until she found herself surrounded by tall grasses at the base of the tree. She tried to stifle her sobs, fearing that someone, possibly one of the villagers, might come along. But no, she would be the only fool willing to leave the celebration this early. But she could not stay. Seeing him was too much. Her still-raw emotions were ripped open just by the sight of him. And on top of it, Lavinia was dangling after him. Jane could not imagine a more exquisite or intelligent lady. And her brother, Mr. Kellery, had clearly sanctioned the acquaintance.

  She had been such a prideful, stubborn fool! Her love for Harry had been but a transitory affection that barely skated the thin ice beyond camaraderie. She had fed on the memory of those immature sensibilities during her marriage and beyond, imagining her feelings to be tenfold what they were in truth. The emotions she felt for Rolfe were pure agony and would haunt her every waking moment unless she did something to extinguish them.

  With excruciating clarity, she realized she must bolster her courage and swallow her pride… and go back to face him again. She would never be able to form a future without him if she didn’t find the courage to talk to him, to offer herself to him. And if he didn’t want her anymore, which in all probability was the case, well, then he would have to tell her, so that she could pick up the mantle of her complete humiliation and go back to Cornwall brokenhearted, perhaps, but at least with a clear mind.

  She pushed her soggy handkerchief into her pocket and shivered as she rose from her damp spot. She tried in vain to smooth away all the creases in her dress and shrugged her shoulders. She would return to the party even if her dress was wrinkled and wet in the back. Oh, there would be a few raised eyebrows, to be sure, and many more if she was able to wrest Lord Graystock away from the fawnings of Lavinia and the glorious festivities—all for a moment of privacy. But she didn’t care what anyone thought, she was able to convince herself. Almost.

  She turned from the old oak tree and stepped through the tangle of summer’s spent grasses toward the road. At that moment she heard the pounding of hooves in the distance. She stepped onto the road and began walking back to Hesperides. Just before she rounded the corner onto Hesperides’ drive, a man on a dark horse entered the lane. Surprised by Jane’s figure, the horse skidded to a halt and reared slightly. Jane remained calm and moved to the edge of the road. When he had gotten the animal under control, she spoke.

  “I am most sorry to have startled your horse, my lord.”

  “You are frequently known to do that.”

  “I am sorry.”

  “You have said that already.”

  A silence intruded, and Rolfe used it as an excuse to dismount.

  “May I ask where you are headed?” he asked.

  “I-I was returning to Hesperides.”

  “Ah, I see you recollected you forgot your cloak,” he said as he lowered the folded garment from his saddle.

  “Yes. It was silly of me to forget it. It is quite chilly. Thank you very much for bringing it to me.”

  Rolfe shook out the cloak and wrapped it around Jane’s shoulders without touching her. “Well, I must return to our guests, but at least you are warm now.”

  She grasped the cloak’s edges and pulled them tightly together. She did not know where to look now that the opportunity to talk to him was present before her. Before she could make her mind function, he was up on his horse again and turning around to bid her good-bye. Her mouth frozen, her hand in midair, she watched his horse start to trot away. Her vision blurred with tears, she tore out an agonized cry. “Rolfe!”

  He stopped his horse and turned around. She ran in her soft slippers to him, grabbing his hand, which was full of the reins.

  “I am so very sorry for everything I’ve done. I must
tell you this. I am afraid I’ve made a very gross mistake and I don’t know how to fix it. The proper way of telling you this has deserted me. I beg of you to forgive me for all the wretched things I said to you in the past.”

  Rolfe looked down at her with an unreadable expression. He did not grasp her hand in return. “You have my assurances that I have never sought or expected any apology from you. I thought our last meeting put to rest any questions or answers each of us sought to make clear. You have attained your point and your goal. I am happy for you, as you must be happy for me. It has turned out for the best. I always knew there was never any doubt of your success, and surely you cannot regret what you have done, for it is quite impossible to change it now,” he said.

  She shivered as embarrassment flooded her. Clearly he was glad to be rid of her, and his feelings toward her had evaporated. And he had referred to her attaining her goal of returning to live at Pembroke. It was another reason to thank him. “Yes, and I must thank you for arranging everything. It was too much, really. I can never thank you enough.” Jane stopped. It had turned awkward. He wanted to be on his way. He had told her he was happy for her and asked her to be happy for him. “Will you, then, then… marry Lavinia?”

  “Lavinia Kellery? I certainly will not!” he replied without pause. “But, rather, what if I did? It is not your affair.”

  “Forgive me again. I did not think. You are of course right. I wish you very happy, my lord.” He was cross. She could see the two angry lines meeting between his brows. “I am so sorry to have taken you away from your party. Pray forgive me.”