by Kailin Gow
“You know, I was twenty-three when I first came to Paris, to the institute. I may not have led as sheltered a life as you, but I was still pretty innocent… really naïve. The feelings and emotions I had when I first met Errol really threw me off. I didn’t know what being with a man meant.”
“Are you saying Errol was your first?”
She nodded. “Just because I’m from New York doesn’t mean I’m a slut, you know.”
She winked and I laughed.
“That’s not what I meant. It’s just… I guess I thought I was the last virgin.”
She joined me in laughing about our lost virginities and the complexities of new relationships.
“You and Errol make it look so easy. I mean, you're perfection together.”
Sighing, her eyes glazed over and she seemed to leave me for a moment. “It wasn’t always like that.”
“But you married him.”
“Eventually, yes, but there were ups and downs along the way. I think at first I had a crush on him, then there was definitely a lot of lust, that physical attraction, and finally I realized I really loved him for the man he is and I wanted to spend my life with him. If anything, I think all those obstacles, all the things that got in the way of us being together are what make us so strong together. I mean, we worked so hard to get here and now we don’t want to lose what we have together.”
I nodded and took in what she said. “How is Bobby doing in New York?”
“Actually he left New York a month ago.”
I frowned, my eyes questioning her.
“He stayed and helped my mom out at the restaurant for a while. The holidays are always a real rush, incredibly hectic, so he stuck around until then, but after that he came back to Europe.”
“To France?”
“No. He’s been traveling all over Europe. I think he’s on some kind of spiritual journey to find himself. He’s been backpacking across Germany and onward to Switzerland, blogging all the way. I think he’s somewhere in Belgium now. He’s met a lot of interesting and inspiring people, and I think he, in turn, is inspiring people with his blog.”
“Oh.” I was stunned. Bobby was back here in Europe. Yet… one month… The last call I received from him was one month ago.
“Monsieur Franchines told him to grow up and mature before returning to the institute. I think Bobby is trying to find that maturity as quickly as possible.”
I laughed, but felt tears work their way to my eyes. “I’m happy to hear he’s doing so well.”
“I know he would love to hear from you.”
I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know what to say. I think I would just blubber like an idiot.”
“Have you checked your emails lately?”
“No. I don’t have a computer at home. I would usually check my emails at the institute. I had a computer in my office, but… Anyway, no. I don’t have access to that office anymore, so I haven’t had the chance to check my emails.”
“I think you should try to find a way to get them. At the very least you could just send him a quick word saying you're happy for him. I’m sure it would mean a lot to him.”
Chapter 2
It took a full three months before I could access my old office and my computer. It wasn’t easy. Monsieur Franchines was severely disappointed in what had happened between Bobby and me that I thought during those three months, he would change his mind and fire me altogether. He had taken the keys back and for a while, no one used the office. That is until they found Gaetan Petit, a replacement for the basic food science class I’d taught, and gave him access to my office, while I was kept almost locked away in the lab, working furiously on a new line Franchines wanted to debut at a local food show. Despite what happened, I was too valuable for him to fire. That was a consolation yet I still felt like an outcast.
I hated the thought of sneaking in, but I couldn’t find an alternative. At this point I regretted not opening a personal email account, one that I could open from anywhere. As it was, I only had an account attached to the institute.
Hopefully Monsieur Franchines hadn’t closed the account or changed the password. If that was the case, I would have no way of ever reaching Bobby.
So there I was, at the threshold of the office trying to think of the best way to get Gaetan to let me use my old computer.
Should I just be honest and tell him what I needed, or would it be better to use the little story I’d concocted… something about needing to pull up a recipe housed only in my old computer.
“Can I help you?” Gaetan said when he looked up and saw me.
“I just ran into one of your students hanging around your classroom. He said he forgot something in the class; something he needs for his next class. If you're busy, you could just hand me the key and I’ll go open it for him.”
Frowning, he looked at me. It was clear in that very instant that he didn’t trust me. I had no idea why. Was I that bad a liar?
Ashamed, I realized I shouldn’t have lied at all, but I’d panicked and had felt the need to get him out of the office so I could read my emails in peace.
Gaetan opened the first drawer of his desk, grabbed his keys and stood. “I’ll go take care of it.”
Smiling, I moved aside as he walked out, thankful he didn’t see a reason to close and lock the office door. The second he turned the corner, I hurried behind the desk, opened my email account and checked my inbox.
Seventeen messages from Bobby.
I knew I wouldn’t have time to read them all, so I went to the last three.
Lilly,
I don’t know what more I can say. I wish you’d just send word you're okay.
Bobby
Then;
Lilly
Please, just say hello. Let me know you don’t hate me.
Bobby
A month or two passed by and finally, a week and a half earlier;
Lilly
I respect your decision. Just know I wish you happiness.
Bobby
It had been a while, but I hit reply;
Bobby, forgive me for not answering sooner. I don’t hate you. There isn’t a day that has passed that I haven’t thought about you. I’m sorry I couldn’t get back to you before today. Taryn said you're hiking your way across Europe. I’m happy to hear you're doing so well. Since that conversation with her, every night when I close my eyes I picture you, in the Alps, in the forests of Germany, in the meadows of Belgium or even the crossroads of Italy.
Please call me. This time I will answer, I promise.
Lilly
I heard footsteps coming down the hall and quickly hit send then closed my account. I hurried around the desk and stepped out of the office before Gaetan turned the corner. When I’d made it to the corridor facing the office, I stopped to lean back against the wall and catch my breath.
If I was caught, I’d lose everything I had left… my work at the lab, my good name, and my reputation as a technician.
But I smiled and tilted my head back against the wall. “Bobby,” I whispered. Just the thought of having contacted him sent thrills up and down my spine. The thought of seeing him again was overwhelming and I realized just how much I’d really missed him.
These past weeks, I’d buried myself in my work – and a little bit of self pity – and had pushed aside my thoughts and feelings for Bobby. I’d tried to gloss over the days I’d spent with him, the love we’d shared.
Now, with the thought of hearing from him, I felt more alive than I ever had. But then it hit me. Bobby was hiking across Europe. What were the chances he’d have access to his account? Out in the wild somewhere, he probably couldn’t connect to any signal anywhere. Waiting for a reply could prove to be an interminable test of my patience.
As it turned out, though, I didn’t even have time to get back to my lab that my phone rang. Breathless, I pulled it out.
It was a number I didn’t recognize. It had to be Bobby. I took a deep breath before speaking.
; “Hello.”
“Lilly.”
“Bobby. I can’t believe you got my message already. Where are you? Italy? Spain? England?”
“I thought I’d never hear your voice again.”
“When are you coming back?”
“You look great, Lilly.”
“Bobby?” I spun around. His voice hadn’t come through the phone, but directly from behind me.
“Hey.”
My heart burst and my eyes filled with tears. My God, he looked so good. His skin had been kissed every day of the past weeks by the sun and his hair had grown to where it now fell past his shoulders in thick, luxurious waves that had also been kissed by the sun. The pale highlights framed his face and his eyes seemed more brilliant than ever. Thick stubble covered his cheeks, but it wasn’t quite the full beard of a man who hadn’t shaved in weeks and weeks. Had he been able to find a razor a few days earlier?
“You're here.” I wanted to run to him, to run my fingers through his hair and to kiss his lips.
“I didn’t want to just barge in, so I’ve been discreet.”
I couldn’t help but notice how he made no move to come to me, no attempt to take me into his arms. “Discreet?”
“I wanted you to know I was back, but didn’t think you’d really care.”
My head must have been spinning, because I couldn’t quite follow him. Why discreet? Why the strange and almost cold stance?
“But seeing the message you just sent… well, I wanted to avoid that awkward run in where we don’t know what to say to one another.”
As opposed to now where I had no idea how to respond to his odd behavior. He was back, after weeks away, and he didn’t seem as excited and thrilled as I was.
“Bobby,” I finally said. “What’s going on?”
“I went out and did what Monsieur Franchines told me to do; I grew up. These past months on my own, relying on myself, spending so much time with myself, I learned what was really important to me. I want to be a chef, Lilly, and not just some chef, but a world renowned chef. I came back to the institute Monday and had a meeting with Monsieur Franchines and told him of my journey, the physical and emotional one. He accepted me back.”
“You’ve been back in class since Monday?” It was Thursday. He’d been in the very same building where I worked for the past four days and he hadn’t…
I took a step back as it struck me.
“Monsieur Franchines made it very clear. I can’t have any contact with you. I wanted to tell you personally instead of letting you find out from someone else.”
“But you’ve been here for four days. Why didn’t you…?”
“You haven’t answered my calls since the day I left. I thought it was over for you. I thought you wanted nothing to do with me, which, in fact, made things easier. If you didn’t want to have anything to do with me, I would have just left it at that. But, like I said, when I received your message a few minutes ago… I couldn’t just let you go on thinking anything more could happen between us.”
He could just as well have punched me in the nose. In fact, the pain was so intense, I wish he had struck me. I had so many questions, so much I wanted to say, but he didn’t give me a chance.
“I gotta go. Just being with you now is a risk, but… Bye, Lilly.”
Chapter 3
Later that same day, only hours after he’d so casually broken my heart, I spotted Bobby walking out of the institute with a tall, thin blond wearing a minidress that showed off her super long limbs. Toned and tanned, they screamed for sexual attention and I was sure Bobby was more than willing to oblige her. He was smiling at her, a smile I’d let myself believe was meant for only me.
It hurt. I couldn’t believe how badly it hurt. I’d heard of heartache before, had listened to the numerous songs that spoke of break ups, heart break and even the bitterness that sometimes set in.
Was that what was in store for me? The pain would fester, anger would build accompanied with resentment until I was a bitter woman who hated men?
The sound of Bobby’s laughter crossed the parking lot to where I sat in my car, unable to move, unable to drive away. I just watched his every move, clung to every pleasant and happy sound that came from him; and broke inside with every passing second.
He turned left, away from me, and casually wrapped his arm around the tall blonde’s waist as he guided her toward his dorm. Only when he disappeared around the corner did I finally drive away. It took every ounce of discipline for me to have a bite of dinner when I got home. The macaroni and cheese, one I’d made the night before with a special blend of four cheeses, sat there in a lump on my plate, but after four or five bites, I just stared at it as tears filled my eyes and quickly blurred my vision. They trickled down my cheek and onto my uneaten dinner.
Was this to be my life at the institute? Watching Bobby fall in love with another girl?
I couldn’t let the pain take over. I couldn’t let it destroy what I’d worked so hard to build, but he made it almost impossible.
The following week, he paraded around the institute with a pert brunette, a girl I remembered from my class; Chantale. She was smart, funny and sexy, in an athletic way. Every time I saw Bobby with her, I wanted to cry. Every time I saw him at all, I wanted to die.
Concentrating all my efforts into a new cheese sauce I wanted to develop, I tried to push all thoughts of Bobby aside. The sauce was coming along. Inspired by the macaroni and cheese I’d prepared for myself the week before, the sauce would be easy to use and delicious to eat, if only I could get it right.
I had my four cheeses set out on the stainless steel counter in the lab. Two had already been shredded and I was in the process of shredding the third when I heard a knock at the door. Through the frosted window in the door I could see that more than one person stood there waiting.
What was it now?
Wiping my hands on a towel, I headed to the door and opened it to find Gaetan and his entire class.
“Bonjour,” he said. “I thought I’d let my class see how a food technician creates new dishes.” Beaming, he took a step inside before I could say anything.
His class followed in, including Bobby.
My heart pounded and I was sure my cheeks turned cherry red… and right in front of an entire class of students.
“What are you working on, Miss Cooke?” Gaetan asked.
Bobby barely glanced at me as he shifted over to stand before his new flame, Genevieve. Standing behind most of the students, he reached for her hand and let his fingers play through hers as she beamed at him.
Of course she beamed at him. Just look at him. He’s everything every girl dreamed of. Good looking in a way that actually hurts, a sexy body that is neither too muscular nor too gangly, and a smile that can at once light up a room and heat up any woman’s libido.
What was I thinking? I had to get my act together and think of the task facing me; enlightening these students to the at times tedious and solitary work of a food technician.
But damn, being so close to them, to this couple who simply shouldn’t be… it was like starving to death while the person beside me ate to her satisfaction.
“Miss Cooke?” Gaetan said.
“Yes… Oui, this is a four cheese sauce. My main goal is to make a savory, gourmet cheese sauce that will turn every day, ordinary macaroni and cheese into a gastronomical experience for the person who doesn’t have time, or the inclination to make their own sauce.”
“Interesting. And what cheeses are you using?”
I really wasn’t eager to give away my secrets, but they were right there on the table.
“I see you have some swiss here.”
“Yes.”
“And is this provolone?”
“I would have thought a good strong cheddar would be better,” a student said.
“I remember a sauce I ate once that was made with gouda. I think there may have been some blue cheese, too.”
“Interesting,” I said.
<
br /> “How long have you been working on this?” The young female student stood directly in front of Bobby and my eye went straight to him.
“This particular sauce has been brewing in my head for a month or two and I actually started testing various ingredients last week.”
Aside from a quick glance my way, Bobby concentrated on Genevieve.
When would this hell end?
“Could we taste test your sauce?” a student dared ask.
“Yeah, we’d be the perfect guinea pig,” another one added.
“I’m not quite at the taste testing stage yet.”
I wondered if Monsieur Franchines was aware of this little visit. My sauces were usually kept pretty hush hush.
“I’ve really enjoyed having you visit my laboratory, but I really need to get back to work now. Perhaps you could continue your visit at the institute’s pantry. It’s quite impressive.”
Gaetan made a funny face, one that seemed to indicate he wasn’t impressed with the suggestion. Or maybe he was a little miffed that I was trying to cut his visit short.
“All right, class. Let’s leave Miss Cooke to her creation.”
The class slowly filed out, but Genevieve seemed particularly interested in the variety of tools and cooking implements I had at the far end of the stainless steel counter. Bobby stood at her side, explaining something or other. She seemed intent on his every word and even leaned into him with a light giggle when he finished.
By that time, the entire class was gone. I stood there, in my lab, practically my haven in this heartbreaking institute, watching the man I loved, the man I’d lost my teaching position for, while he giggled and flirted with a pretty student.
In their own little bubble, it took them a while to realize they were the only ones left. I could have said something. Maybe I should have, but I couldn’t. I had no voice. My throat was clamped up, my mouth was dry and my lips refused to function.
