by Kailin Gow
Still in their bubble, they walked past me… as if I wasn’t there at all.
How could he be so heartless? How could he be so callous?
So insensitive?
Was he really the man I’d fallen in love with? This man who would parade one conquest after another in front of the woman who’d risked so much for him?
With each passing week, that very same question continued to haunt me. Every week it was another girl, another conquest. Veronique, the short, but slim brunette, then Manon, the tall redhead with large breasts, and then Marie-Pier, the sandy haired girl with a vivacious personality, sexy body and a face that had everyone wondering why she wasn’t a model.
Really? Could this get any worse?
I was usually good at keeping my cool, good at controlling my emotions. It’s what the convent had taught me, though I’ll admit I’d always been a quiet and compliant child to begin with.
But when I ran into Bobby at the very market I’d brought him to on our first tour of the city, any hold I’d had on my emotions simply wilted away.
“I hope you're happy,” I snapped as he fondled a large tomato.
Startled he turned to me. “Lilly. Fancy meeting you here.”
“I don’t see why you're so surprised. I brought you here when I mentored you, and I even told you how I loved this place.”
“Right, but…” He shrugged. “It’s a big market. I didn’t really expect to see you here.”
“Are you enjoying your time at the institute? Rubbing it in a bit?”
He frowned. “Rubbing it in? Rubbing what in?”
“I never thought you’d be a spiteful man, Bobby. I would have never thought you could be so brutally vengeful.”
“Lilly, I have no idea what you're talking about.”
“Don’t you? You resent the fact that I had to put an end to our relationship and now you’re flaunting every single conquest, parading them in front of me just to rub my nose in it. Well, I hope it makes you happy, Bobby. I hope you feel fulfilled for hurting me every chance you get.”
He shook his head and reached out, as if to set his hand on my shoulder, but he quickly pulled it back, shook his head again then turned away leaving his tomato behind.
I stared at him.
Just like that. I’d opened my heart to him, admitted how hurt I felt, and he’d just turned and walked away.
What had I expected?
An explanation? A reason? An apology?
A promise that it would never happen again? An invitation to be with him again?
What’s happening to me, I asked myself as I walked as quickly as I could out of the market and headed home.
I wanted to be alone.
I needed a good cry.
Chapter 4
The time had come. Over the past weeks the need to return to the convent had become increasingly urgent. I could barely think straight at the institute. Bobby’s continual need to charm, flirt, and date every girl who’d have him came too close to driving me nuts. There’d been days when I’d struggled to get out of bed, kicked myself all the way to the institute and pounded every ounce of energy into getting my work done.
My cheese sauce had been a success. Monsieur Franchines had been surprised but pleased, and when he’d presented it to the board, they’d been skeptical at first. In the end, the taste and freshness spoke for itself and as I drove away from the institute, away from the home I’d known these past months, away from the city of lights, my cheese sauce was being introduced to a handful of specialty shops.
But that was all behind me now.
The countryside opened up in front of me, spectacular in all of God’s glory. How truly magnificent God’s work was. The air smelled fresher, the endless fields were greener and the image of Bobby finally dissipated.
It was about time.
This was as it was meant to be. I guess I’d known it all along, but had allowed my love for Bobby to blur that fact for far too long. This was my calling. God was my only love. I couldn’t deny it.
In the distance, it finally rose high in the rolling hills of the countryside. My heart swelled with love and a sense of utter and complete contentment. Yes, this was my calling. This was where I belonged. I had no doubt, and the more I thought about it, the more I concluded Bobby had simply been a test, a test of my faith, of my devotion.
And I’d passed.
I parked my car and took a moment to breath it all in. Though I was several hundred yards from our famed flower garden, I could smell the fragrance I’d come to cherish over the years. Spring had been generous and I was eager to see the early blooms that surely filled the garden.
“Lilly, is that you?”
“Soeur Henriette, how wonderful to see you.”
“We didn’t expect you for another month. Your last letter said you’d only arrive in June.”
I’d already missed my chance to take my vows in December as I’d originally planned, all because of Bobby, and now I was here early, again, all because of Bobby. Of course I couldn’t admit that to Soeur Henriette nor any of the other nuns who welcomed me home that day, all with their own questions of my life on the outside.
That night, after a long visit of the grounds, I sat on my narrow bed in my small and modest room, and glanced up at the crucifix above my bed and counted my blessings. I was lucky to be in such a loving and serene environment. For a time, while with Bobby, I had questioned if I would ever find myself at the convent again and now reflected on this first day back into the life I’d always known.
The surrounding countryside offered all it had always promised; beauty, serenity, the perfect gift from God. The convent’s flower garden burst with the early blooms I’d expected while the soil in the vegetable garden had been turned and prepared for the crops to come. It was glorious in so many ways.
I’d been surprised to find the lab where I’d spent so many days working exactly as I’d left it. If the nuns had worked on anything in the past months, there was no sign of it. The pots gleamed, every cooking utensil was hung where it belonged and the countertop gleamed. Even the pantry had no sign of anything new or anything gone. The jar of flour was half full, just like I’d left it. The bottle of olive oil was almost empty, like I’d left it. And the new bag of golden brown sugar was still unopened.
Contrary to people’s beliefs that convents were passive places meant only to house nuns, the one I grew up in was self-sufficient, enterprising, and entrepreneurial. The Reverend Mother was able to fund the convent itself through the lab, the farm, and education. I was indeed fortunate to have grown up surrounded by some of the brightest yet most benevolent minds in France. Perhaps there were more I had to learn at the convent.
I lay back on my small bed and tried to let the light in, tried to reconnect with the bond to God that had always been so strong. I knew it was still there, but…
Give yourself time, I told myself. It’ll all come back soon enough.
A knock at the door jolted me up.
“Oui?”
“Lilly? Puis-je entrer?”
“Oui, oui. Come in.”
I stood and hurried to open the door for her, then bowed solemnly as she entered. “Mere supérieur.” Reaching for her hand, I remained bowed down and kissed her hand.
“S’il vous plait, levez-vous.”
I stood and looked into the wise old eyes that had seen so much of life, even from behind the confining walls of the convent.
“I expected to see you arrive radiant and eager to finally take your vows. Why do I sense hesitation?”
She sensed hesitation? And here I thought I was hiding my emotions so well. “I’m a little dizzy from the trip in from Paris. These last weeks, last few months even, they’ve been hectic. Did Monsieur Franchines tell you about the cheese sauce we finally put to market?”
Smiling in a way I’d only seen a few times since at the convent, she nodded. She was pleased, and that made me happy. I wanted to please her, to show her I was doing something wi
th my life. I also hoped she’d see just how hard working and conscientious I was.
“If you are sure this is your life’s path…”
“I’m sure.”
Nodding again, she reached for her rosary. “Shall we go to the chapel to pray together?”
“I’d be honored.”
In solemn silence we left my room, and walked down the long corridor that led to the small chapel. Inside, dozens of candles glowed at the foot of the crucifix where Jesus awaited us.
We walked to the first pew, knelt and made the sign of the cross.
“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” we said in quiet unison. “Give us this day our daily bread…”
After the prayer, we remained silent, side by side.
“Tomorrow is a big day,” she finally said. “If you have any last minute reservations, Lilly, you have tonight to consider them. The sisterhood is not meant to be a place to which we escape the trappings of the outside world.”
“There’s nothing to consider. This is where I belong.”
She nodded and rose, leaving me there to contemplate my future alone. Despite my protest, I remained there for almost an hour, thinking over and over again about Bobby and the time we’d spent together, the time spent apart, and the time he’d been spending with every girl at the institute.
Was I making this decision out of spite? Was I escaping the outside world, like the Reverend Mother had implied?
By the time I made my way back to my room, I was exhausted. These past months, I’d felt torn between my love of God and my love for Bobby, only to then find the conviction that God was my only love, only to revert back to my love for Bobby again.
But whether I loved him or not, the fact remained; he didn’t love me back.
And that brought me all the way around to the fact that I was escaping… right back again to what the Reverend Mother had implied.
In my room, I undressed then filled the small basin with cold water. From the shelf beside the sink, I took a wash cloth and washed my skin as if the outside world had left me gravely soiled.
My skin red and raw, I finally rinsed with cold, clear water, slipped on the thin cotton nightdress and pulled back the wool blanket and stiff cotton sheet of my bed. I knelt on the cold stone floor for a final prayer and finally got into bed and shut the bedside lamp.
The night was long and filled with dreams of Bobby. Final goodbyes and surprise reunions, only to have to say goodbye again. Around and around, the dreams seemed to just repeat and start over again. Always, Bobby was there, confusing me. I wanted him, but I hated what he’d done to me.
Forgive him, my heart said.
Yes, I had to forgive him.
I awoke the next morning free of all doubt. My love for God prevailed. It was my chosen path, and had always been. I wasn’t escaping. This was what I’d always planned.
Slipping out of bed, I reached for the rosary I’d hooked to the bedpost the day before. Stringed through my fingers, I held it tight in my clamp hands. “I believe in God the Father, Almighty…” Then, “Our Father who art in heaven…” And, “Hail Mary, full of grace…”
I reached the last bead and kissed the crucifix before putting it back on the bedpost. Using the same ritual as the night before, I washed then dressed for the ceremony to come.
The air in the convent was still, so silent and filled with reverence.
For me? Was I the only postulant to take her vows today?
I doubted it. I smiled, a true and sincere smile, for the first time since my unhappy ordeal with Bobby. With every step, my conviction grew. My shoulders pulled up, my back straightened and my chin rose to a respectable and reverent height.
“Yes,” I said aloud. I’m on the right track.
“Lilly.”
I turned to see Soeur Anne waiting for me around the corner.
“If you're ready, follow me.”
Keeping a few paces behind her, I followed her to the chapel where three other postulants awaited their veil.
The ceremony was to be small and quiet. Our marriage to God. Our commitment to him.
“Lilly Cooke,” the Reverend Mother said as if presenting me to the priest who’d come for the special day.
Outside, in the distance, a car horn blared.
Annoyed, she her introduction again. “Lilly Cooke…”
Again, the car horn blared, this time more persistent.
“Soeur Anne,” the Reverend Mother said. “S’il vous plait…”
Without needing to hear more, Sister Anne hurried out to see what was going on.
Seconds later the priest, Reverend Mother and I looked at one another as loud voices quickly made their way to us. One voice belonged to Anne and the other…
“Bobby.” Stunned, I stared at him, barely believing my eyes. Surely they were playing tricks on me. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
“I can’t let you do this,” Bobby said.
“But… I’m about to…”
“To take your vows, yeah, I know. That’s why I came. You didn’t even tell me you were heading out here. It’s just by chance that I found out from one of the students who saw you leave your lab yesterday.”
I looked to Mother Superior who frowned, but seemed to understand the circumstances. With a sage nod, she allowed me to retreat with Bobby. I led him to the lab, the only place I felt appropriate to be with a man.
“Bobby,” I said when we were alone and I’d closed the door. “Your timing is really awful.”
“I’d say my timing was right on. I mean, you didn’t… not yet, right?”
“No, I didn’t take my vows yet, but…” I swept my hands over the white veil over my head and the black robe I wore. “I’m in the process.”
He took a few steps toward me and I stepped back.
“My place is with God, and I don’t think…”
He continued to walk to me until I backed into the wall, and he didn’t stop until his chest pressed up against my breasts. The touch was intense and my body went into a confusing revolt. This couldn’t be happening. For all the times I’d hoped and wished for this moment, now that it was there, I didn’t know what to make of it.
“Your place is with me.” He grabbed my hands and brought my fingers to his lips. His lips were hungry as he kissed the digits that’d been traveling over a rosary just a short while earlier.
“I…”
He kissed my response away with a hard and passionate kiss that consumed me. Appalled, I pulled away and looked at him, but the heat of his kiss continued to burn my lips. How many nights had I dreamt of this very moment? How many times had I longed to feel the softness of his lips against mine?
“Bobby, we’re in the house of God. This is…”
Again, he kissed my words away and this time I was helpless to resist him. I fell into him, pressing against his chest, and opening my heart to him. I wanted to cry from the sheer release of all the tension and doubt and fears and pain that had taken over me these past months.
“I love you, Lilly.” He cupped my cheeks and looked into my eyes with a new understanding. “I appreciate your love of God and your desire to do good, but you belong with me.”
Confused, I shook my head. “But you're the one who’s been pushing me away. You're the one who said we couldn’t be together.” Suddenly angry as the memory of all the girls he’d paraded around the institute hit me, I pulled back and glared at him. “You even went out of your way to date every girl in school and to make sure I knew about it.”
“Lilly, you don’t understand.”
“You better believe I don’t understand. What? Now that you’ve had a taste of everyone you could get your hands on you want to start all over again with me?”
“No.”
“Were you just testing the waters, making sure there wasn’t anything out there that was better for you than me? Should I be flattered that after all that gallivanting aro
und, you now grant me your precious presence? Well, listen carefully, Bobby Cummings, I am not flattered, not in the least. So you can take your charm and your romantic gestures and go back to the institute and find someone who’ll be stupid enough to fall for it.”
My piece said, I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my arm and easily pulled me back to him. Were I honest with myself, I would have admitted that it was exactly what I wanted him to do, but as it were, I fought and struggled to get free. “You let go of me this minute.”
“You’ve said your piece, now listen to mine.”
“No.”
“Your work at the institute would have come to an abrupt stop and I never would have had the chance to go on with my studies. Don’t you see? I did all that for us. I did all that to ensure we didn’t get kicked out of the institute for good.”
I eyed him and grimaced at the very thought of what he’d done. “You're telling me that you dated all those girls to protect me? Really, Bobby. You couldn’t come up with anything better than that? I mean, all you had to do was tell me this secret plan of yours and we would have kept our distances… simple as that.”
“Really? Simple as that? No, what would have been simple was for us to bump into one another, get all heated up, and before you know it, we’re all hot and heavy together. My way, whenever we bumped into one another, you hated me so much, there was no chance we’d hook up, you know what I’m saying?”
He had a point, but it hardly mattered. He could have taken a hundred other routes to ensure we didn’t get kicked out of the institute. “Admit it. You chose to do this because you could have fun with it. I mean, how many of those girls did you fu… How many did you sleep with? Huh?”
“None of them. I told you. It was all for show. In fact, the reason I dated a string of girls was so that none of them would get emotionally attached to me. You know, it was all light… just a movie here, a ride home there, maybe a little dinner once in a while.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Remember when we met at the market?”
