On the Record

by K. A. Linde

  “My lips are sealed,” Savannah told her, pushing through the double doors.

  They walked down the stairs and out to the main lobby. The building looked like a ghost town. Liz rarely saw the Union look so deserted. She knew there was an away basketball game just a town over today, and it was a Friday, but it seemed exceptionally quiet. She walked outside with Savannah and realized why.

  It was snowing.

  Walking back from her meeting with Justin, she certainly hadn’t thought it was cold enough for snow. It only snowed in Chapel Hill once or twice a year, and it was never anything dramatic. But for someone who grew up in Tampa and never saw snow, it looked like a blizzard.

  Savannah giggled next to her and held her hand out, catching a few flakes on her palm. They immediately dissolved into water droplets and her smile just grew.

  “Come on. Let’s go catch some!” she said, pulling Liz toward the Pit, where a cluster of other students were milling around and staring up at the sky.

  “Um . . . snow and I do not get along,” Liz told her. She was already shivering with the cold sinking into her clothes. She hadn’t even brought a waterproof jacket and she was in heels, as usual. This was not going to be a fun walk home.

  “Why would you wear heels today?” Savannah asked.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t look at the weather.”

  “Well, we’re supposed to get six inches by tonight, and then it’s supposed to ice over. Of course, this only ever happens on the weekend.”

  Liz shuddered. Last winter there had been less than six inches of snow in Chapel Hill and they had closed school for three days, because the roads were impassable. It was a huge problem when the town only had a handful of snowplows.

  “Of course, and now I have to walk home in this,” Liz groaned.

  “Do you want me to give you a ride?” Savannah offered. “I have a parking spot on campus, and the roads won’t be bad for a couple hours.”

  “Oh my God, I would love you forever!”

  “It’s kind of a walk, but I was just happy I got one,” Savannah said, setting off across campus.

  Then the thought caught up with her. “Wait, you’re a freshman. How did you get a parking spot?”

  She wasn’t sure why she even asked. It was pretty obvious. Savannah had an influential family, so she probably got whatever she wanted. Just like Brady. Ugh! Liz didn’t even want to think about him or Erin Edwards right now.

  “Um . . . the chancellor and my father are old friends.”

  “Ah . . .”

  Liz wasn’t going to argue with their favoritism today. Today she was just glad that she didn’t have to walk home.

  They reached the parking deck and Savannah located her small black BMW. Liz tried not to sigh. She wasn’t surprised that Savannah had one. Brady had a brand-new Lexus. She assumed Clay drove a sports car; it just felt like Clay.

  God, why could she not escape Brady? She was surrounded by his family and he was constantly on the news. Just when she was moving past what had happened, he cropped right back up. And she just fucking wanted to know if he was dating that girl. She didn’t even care how stupid it was. It made her want to dial his number and demand to know . . . even though she knew she never could.

  Liz didn’t live too far away. It would have been a bad walk, but it was an easy drive. The snow was coming down harder when Savannah pulled up in front of Liz’s house.

  “Thanks a lot,” Liz told her.

  “Anytime. Hopefully this sticks and we don’t have school next week, but otherwise I’ll see you on Monday.”

  Liz popped the door open and turned to go, but thought better of it. “I hope you don’t think that I’d actually publish anything you tell me, Savannah. I take my job seriously, and unless you’re telling me something because you want it in the paper, it would never end up there.”

  “Yeah. I know. I guess I just clam up when people ask me about my family. I’ve done it my whole life. It’s hard to rewire,” Savannah told her. “And it’s stupid, really, I mean, why should it matter who Brady is dating?”

  Liz could have hugged Savannah Maxwell, if she weren’t so pissed at Brady at the mention of the word dating. She just tried to keep that feeling under wraps. “He’s in the public eye. I think a lot of people feel like they have the right to know his business.”

  “Yeah, I think a lot more people want to know than really should know. It’ll all come out eventually. It always does, but it’s not even an interesting story. I mean, Brady was in the North Carolina legislature with her father. They met up at Christmas and started dating. Kind of boring, really.”

  Liz froze in place. She didn’t care that the car door was still open and her right side was freezing cold from the snow. And she didn’t care that she was staring at Savannah. She knew that she shouldn’t care that Brady was dating someone, or that Erin was from a political family and she would make Brady look good, or anything about it at all.

  She was happy with Hayden. Things were going well with their relationship. Brady shouldn’t have even been a thought.

  Liz took a deep breath, trying to recover. “I’m sure journalists will find a way to make it interesting.”

  Savannah laughed. “Yeah, that’s kind of our job, right?”

  “Yeah, it is,” Liz said.

  “I just feel a little bad for him. All the girls that the media claimed he was dating during the election being held over his head, and then starting his new job in Congress all at the same time as he starts a new relationship.”

  Relationship. That word felt like a knife wound.

  “That must be tough,” Liz said, not able to keep the bite out of her voice.

  Yes. It must be soooo difficult to have a new dream job and a new dream girlfriend. Liz couldn’t imagine how he would ever survive.

  “Thanks for the ride again, Savannah,” she said quickly. She could see Savannah trying to figure out why Liz was so pissy all of a sudden.

  “Sure,” Savannah said softly as Liz hopped out of the car. She hoisted her bag on her shoulder and waved at Savannah before rushing for the door. She could not believe that she had almost lost her cool like that. It was so unprofessional. She didn’t want anyone to know that she and Brady had been together, and then she had gone and snapped at Savannah when she had said he was dating someone else.

  Of course, he had every right. He deserved to move on and be blissfully happy. She had left him, after all.

  But it didn’t keep her from being angry.

  It certainly didn’t keep her from feeling like an idiot for holding on to those feelings, forestalling her relationship with Hayden, and putting up a barricade at the thought of sex. Brady had moved on, so why shouldn’t she? Why did she have to let him make her feel like this before she realized how stupid it was to hold on so fiercely to something that was long gone?

  That thought pushing her forward, she quickly changed into warmer clothes and dashed back out to her car. She wanted to get to Hayden’s before the snow closed in around her.

  Liz arrived at Hayden’s house fifteen minutes later. Traffic had been puttering along at twenty miles per hour, because Southern drivers were terrified of the snow. Someone had ended up in a ditch. She assumed that all of the grocery stores were out of water, bread, and milk, as if people thought they weren’t ever leaving their houses again. Did these people normally not have shit in their houses? Were they afraid that snow would bring the zombie apocalypse? What the hell was wrong with them?

  Suffice it to say, it did nothing for her bad mood.

  “Oh my God, people cannot drive!” Liz said as soon as she walked into Hayden’s house.

  “Hey, gorgeous!” Hayden rounded the corner with a big smile. “I made dinner.”

  Liz sighed in frustration. She shouldn’t have been irritated that Hayden made dinner; it was just another part of his perfection. And when she looked at him, it did loosen some of the tension in her shoulders, but only marginally.

  “Rough day?”
he asked, seeing her frown.

  She let every comeback she had to that die on her tongue. She was tired of thinking and overanalyzing every moment. She just wanted to get lost in emotion and sensation. Maybe some other time she could let her heart feel what her mind was telling her was stupid, but right now she just wanted to tamp it down and beat it into submission.

  Without answering, she walked right up and pressed her lips to his. She wound her hands around his neck and reveled in the way their bodies melded together, the grip of his hands on her hips, the feel of his tongue massaging her own. It was too timid, too tentative. She wanted more, and she bit down on his bottom lip, sucking it between her teeth until she felt him urging her forward, asking for more.

  “Bedroom,” she growled in between kisses.

  Hayden pulled back and looked at her with newfound interest. His eyes roamed her body, hungry yet questioning. She was sure he was wondering where all of this was coming from, but if he was smart he wouldn’t open his mouth.

  “Lizzie . . .”

  “Now,” she said. When he didn’t move fast enough, she took his hand and directed him to the bedroom. He chuckled but followed behind her.

  Hayden closed the door and she quickly started unbuttoning his shirt while she had him backed up against the wall. He let her slide the shirt to the ground and then she immediately reached for his belt buckle.

  “Hey,” he said, taking her hand. “Slow down a bit.”

  She shook her head and kissed him again, rocking him into the door. He grabbed her and pulled her backward. She practically launched herself at him, but he held her at arm’s length.

  “There’s no rush. Kevin went home for the weekend. We have the house to ourselves.” He turned her around and moved her toward the bed, which she promptly crawled on and pulled him toward her.

  She didn’t want to stop. She didn’t want him to keep holding them back as she had been holding them back. She didn’t want one more second to go by where she had to think about anything but him.

  “Hayden,” she groaned, when he sat down on the bed next to her. “Come here.”

  He leaned down and their lips locked all over again. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she tried to pull him down on top of her. She wanted to feel that passion and longing all over again . . . get lost in it. Why wouldn’t he just let loose and give her what she wanted?

  His hand trailed down her side and pushed against the material of her sweater. She helped him, eagerly yanking the material over her head. God, she wanted this. But as soon as the shirt dropped to the floor, Hayden sat straight and just stared at her.

  “Hayden, please,” she whispered, feeling vulnerable and exposed. He looked at her as if he knew exactly what she was thinking. He looked at her as if he so desperately wanted to continue, but that he knew something was wrong.

  “Lizzie,” he said softly then, stroking her wavy blond hair off of her face, “are you all right?”

  “Yes, just kiss me,” she demanded, her chest rising and falling heavily.

  He placed a chaste kiss on her lips. “Are you sure you’re okay? Are you sure you’re ready?”

  Liz bit her lip and closed her eyes. No. She wasn’t sure of anything. Even her sanity was questionable at this point.

  Was it so wrong to want to forget? She didn’t understand why it all had to be so difficult. Brady had moved on. Why was she still struggling through this? It didn’t make sense and she wanted it to stop. She just wanted it all to stop.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks before she could keep them from coming. Her whole body shook uncontrollably. She crossed her arms over her chest, feeling even more exposed than ever before. Hayden shouldn’t have to see her like this. He shouldn’t have to see her break down over something she could never even tell him about. It wasn’t fair to him. He was a good man. Perfect.

  And she would never be perfect. She was just a woman still holding on to a man she had to give up, to a life she had to let go of, to a feeling that never seemed to leave her. Hayden deserved better than that. He deserved better than someone who had to hold back the truth just to keep going through her day. He deserved someone as perfect as himself.

  He would never find that in Liz. He would only find a hollow vessel that had once given everything she had and then was left empty. He could fill in the cracks when she broke apart, but now, when she was completely wrecked, there was nothing he could do to fill the hole.

  Then his arms came around her and pulled her sobbing body against his. He didn’t ask a single question. He didn’t try to tease out what was wrong with her. He just did the best possible thing he could do.

  Hayden held her until her tears ran their course, and she fell into an exhausted slumber wrapped in his arms.

  Chapter 8

  SNOW DAY

  Liz woke to an empty bed.

  She stretched her fingers in all directions, a groan sticking in her throat as her body came to life. She was stiff everywhere from her cramped position in the bed, and her eyes burned from her tears.

  But now that the tears were dried up, she felt . . . alive. Not healed. No, it was too early for that, but better. More like the wound had scabbed over; it was still tender, but she could go about her daily life again.

  With a big sigh, she pushed the covers back and stepped out of the bed. Liz fumbled around in the dark for a lamp and then flicked it on. She dragged off her jeans from last night. When she found a pair of Hayden’s sweatpants, she quickly shimmied into them and then pulled a track hoodie over her head.

  She padded out of the bedroom, but stopped at the first window. Her jaw dropped open. It was a winter wonderland. The ground, the driveway, the trees, the bushes—everything in sight was covered in perfectly white snow. The sun was rising high on the horizon, making the world shine brightly before her eyes. Liz wondered if the temperatures would let the snow hang on or if it would melt away by the afternoon.

  She found Hayden stoking a fire to life in the living room fireplace. He had his back to her, so he couldn’t see the smile that appeared on her face when she found him still in track pants and a Dri-Fit long-sleeved T-shirt. His hair was damp, whether from the snow or from his early morning run, she wasn’t sure. But her heart contracted at the sight of him.

  How had she gotten so lucky? She had someone sitting right before her eyes who cared for her so deeply. He just wanted her to be happy, because she was the one who made him happy. It was as clear to her then as if a film had been removed from her vision.

  She was ashamed of her actions from last night. It was wrong for her to push Hayden into something based on her own fucked-up feelings. Last night had not been the right time, and she was glad Hayden had stopped her, because she knew that she would have regretted it.

  “Hey,” she whispered, her voice slightly hoarse.

  Hayden replaced the poker and closed the screen before turning around. “Hey. Are you feeling better?” He looked cautious and she hated that.

  “Much. Thank you for letting me sleep in.”

  “No problem. I needed to go for a run anyway.”

  To clear his head. That much was obvious.

  “About last night . . .” she began awkwardly.

  She knew she needed to say something to clear the air. She didn’t want him to be angry or confused, but she wasn’t sure what she could say that would help besides the truth about Brady, and actually she was pretty sure that would make it worse. The joking about “their politician” aside, Hayden had never liked Brady. He had always agreed with her early assessment of him, even after she changed her mind.

  “It’s all right. You don’t have to say anything.”

  She didn’t? “Oh.”

  Hayden looked down at his hands and back up at her. “I’m not sure what happened last night. I wanted what you were offering . . . I still do, but I don’t want you to do it because you felt pressured by anything. I’m happy just to hold you every night. All I know is that I never want to see you cry like that a
gain over something like this.”

  He thought that she had been crying because she had felt pressured to move forward. Her mouth was hanging agape and she quickly closed it. Of course, the frustration of not having had sex with Hayden yet had been some of the drive, but most of it had been Brady fucking Maxwell. It was kind of ironic to think that thoughts of Brady had pressured her into sex with Hayden.

  “Hayden,” she said, shaking her head. God, it wasn’t his fault. He shouldn’t share the blame in this. “It’s really my fault. Absolutely nothing to do with you. I was emotional last night and thought that sex was the right answer. I . . . God, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  She wanted to cry at the absurdity of the whole thing, but her tears had been used up last night. She needed to be strong for Hayden where she wasn’t before. She needed to realize how valuable he really was.

  “It was stupid. I was stupid,” Liz said, splaying her hands flat before her.

  She didn’t deserve him. It was something she knew in her gut, but she didn’t care. It might be selfish, but she wasn’t giving him up. This was the right relationship, the right direction for her life, and she had been so long looking over her shoulder that she hadn’t seen what was right in front of her.

  “You’re not stupid.” Hayden walked forward and placed his hands firmly on her arms. “Look at me.” She did. “I would never date someone who was stupid. You’re brilliant and funny and headstrong and unbelievably gorgeous. Certainly not stupid,” he said soothingly.

  Liz managed a smile as she stared up into his hazel eyes so filled with emotion. “You’re pretty wonderful. You know that, right?”

  “I guess that means you’ll keep me?”

  “I wasn’t planning on letting you go.”

  “Good.” Hayden’s lips landed lightly on hers and she smiled into the kiss. The simplicity of being with Hayden compared to the complication of Brady was so starkly contrasting. Liz knew relationships were never easy. They took work, but with so few barriers barring her and Hayden’s way, it didn’t seem like work at all. The work was keeping Brady out, but after last night, Liz had a feeling things were going to get easier. It was over, long gone, and now he had found someone else.