Loving

by Steel, Danielle

  This time Bettina smiled more broadly. "I know. He didn't want me to either. But Seth knows."

  "Sethi?" Mary looked at her in disbelief.

  Bettina grinned. "He handled my divorce."

  "You were married before too? Well, aren't you full of secrets. Anything else?"

  Bettina laughed and shrugged. "Not too many. Just a few ... let's see...." Suddenly she wanted to make a clean breast of it to someone, and she had never felt as close to her friend. "I've been married twice."

  "Including John?" Mary checked it out.

  "Before John." Bettina spoke softly. "Once to a much older man, and once to an actor. I used to work in the theater, my last jobs were as assistant director--"

  "You?" Mary looked not only stunned but impressed.

  "And my father was a writer. A well-known one." She smiled and sat back against her pillows as Mary watched.

  "Who was he? Anyone I've ever heard of?"

  "Probably." She knew Mary read a lot. "Justin Daniels."

  "What ... Of course ... Bettina Daniels ... but I never made the connection. Jesus, Bettina, why didn't you tell us?" And then she put both hands on her hips. "Or does Seth know all of this too?"

  But Bettina shook her head firmly. "He only knows about my last marriage. He doesn't know all the rest."

  "Then why didn't you tell us?"

  Bettina shrugged. "John's not very proud of my checkered past. I'm afraid." Momentarily she looked embarrassed. "I didn't want to--to humiliate him."

  "Humiliate him? How? By being Justin Daniels's daughter? I would think he'd be proud. And as for the rest, your two marriages, so what, I'm sure they made sense or you wouldn't have done it, and your friends would love you no matter what. People who love you will always understand, or at least try to. The others ... who cares? Your father must have known that. I'm sure people didn't always approve of the way he lived."

  "That was different. He was a genius in a way. People expect 'eccentricities' of someone like that."

  "So write a book, your past will become exotic."

  Bettina laughed, and then sheepishly hung her head before looking back up at her friend. "I've always wanted to write a play."

  "Have you?" Mary looked thrilled, and then sat back on her heels. "Good Lord, Betty, do you realize I've always thought you were as dull as the rest of us, and now I find out you're not. When the hell are you going to write your play?"

  "Probably never. I think it would upset John. And ... oh, I don't know, Mary ... that"--she seemed to struggle with her words--"that world isn't very respectable. In some ways maybe I'm lucky I escaped."

  "Maybe. But you escaped with your talent. Couldn't you be respectable and exercise that too?"

  "I'd like to try it someday." She spoke as though dreaming, and then shook her head. "But I don't suppose I will. John would never forgive me. I think he would feel I was dragging something unsavory into his life."

  "Didn't it ever occur to you that maybe that was only his opinion, that maybe he was wrong? You know, sometimes without even knowing it, people are jealous. We all lead boring, ordinary, mundane existences, and now and then a bird of paradise comes along, and we all get scared. It scares us because we're not like that, our feathers aren't brilliantly hued in red and green, we're brown and gray, and seeing that bird of paradise makes us feel ugly, or as though in some way we've failed. Some of us love to watch that bird, and we dream that one day we might be birds of paradise too ... others of us have to shoot at the bird ... or at least frighten it away."

  "Are you saying that's what John did?" Bettina looked shocked.

  But when Mary answered, her voice was infinitely kind. "No. I think what he did was run around to find you brown and gray feathers and dress you up like one of us. But you're not, Bettina. You're exotic and beautiful and special. You are a very, very rare bird. Take off the brown feathers, Betty. Let everyone see how rich your plumage is. You're Justin Daniels's daughter, that in itself is a rare gift. How would your father feel about you hiding out here? Pretending you're not even his child?" Bettina's eyes filled with tears as she thought of it, and then suddenly she flinched. It was as though an electric shock had gone through her back. Mary leaned toward her and kissed her cheek softly, with a look of great tenderness in her eyes. "Now tell me about those pains you've been having. It's started in your back, hasn't it?"

  Bettina looked up at her in amazement, still deeply touched by all she had said. It was the first hint she had that she was still acceptable, in spite of her somewhat exotic past. "How did you know about my back?"

  "Because that used to be my business, remember? We can't all be birds of paradise, kiddo. Some of us have to be firemen and policemen and doctors and nurses." She was smiling and holding Bettina's hand as she flinched again.

  "I'm glad."

  "Do you want to start the breathing yet? Don't if it's not bad."

  "It is." She was surprised at how quickly it had started to hurt her. An hour before, it had only been a vague twinge and she hadn't known what it was. Ten minutes earlier it had been uncomfortable once or twice. Now it was cutting off her breathing.

  Mary was looking down at her now, taking stock of the situation and still holding her hand as she had a new pain. But this one wasn't in her back, it ripped through her stomach, pulling at everything in its wake and tying it in a long razor-sharp knot that had her gasping and clutching at Mary's hand. The pain went on for over a minute as Mary steadily looked at her watch. "That was a bad one."

  Bettina nodded and broke into a sweat as she lay back against the couch. She was almost speechless but managed to whisper, "Yes." And then suddenly her eyes grew frantic and she spoke hoarsely this time. "John."

  "It's okay, Betty, I'll call him. You just lie still. And when you get another pain, just start the breathing."

  "Where are you going?" Bettina's eyes filled with panic.

  "Just to the kitchen, to the phone. I'm going to call John and have him call your doctor. Then I'm going to call Nancy across the street and have her come over to sit with the kids." And then she smiled at Bettina. "Thank God they haven't woken up from their naps. And as soon as Nancy gets here, which should be in about two minutes, you and I are going to get in the car and drive over to the city and get you to the hospital. How does that sound?"

  Bettina started to nod, but then she grabbed wildly at Mary's hand again. It was another long, rocky pain. "Oh, Mary ... Mary ... it hurts awfully ... it...."

  "Ssshhh ... now, you can handle it, Betty. Calm down." Without saying more, she went to the kitchen quickly and came back with a damp cloth, which she put on Bettina's head. "You just take it easy and I'll make those two calls."

  She was back in two minutes, wearing espadrilles with her jeans and T-shirt and carrying her handbag. She had asked Nancy, the neighbor, to stop in at John and Betty's and pick up the suitcase that she knew was standing in the hall. It was only five minutes later when Mary eased Bettina slowly into the car.

  "What if we don't make it?" Bettina looked at her nervously and Mary smiled. She almost hoped they wouldn't. She'd much rather have delivered Bettina on the front seat of the station wagon than handed her over to McCarney when they arrived.

  Mary grinned at her as she started the car. "If we don't, then I'll deliver you myself. And think of all the money you'll save!"

  They drove on in silence for a while as Bettina breathed doggedly through all of her pains, but they were coming much closer together and there was a glazed look of determination now in her eyes. Mary was surprised that it had gotten so sharp so quickly, but she hoped that would mean a quick delivery. Maybe she would be lucky, after all. And it wasn't her first child. As they drove, Mary found herself thinking back to what they had been discussing. It was extraordinary how you could know someone, and not know them at all.

  "How's it going, kid?" Bettina shrugged and panted determinedly as they drove on. Mary waited until the pain had subsided, and then gently touched her arm. "Betty, don't be
a hero, love. I know you've prepared for natural childbirth, but if it gets to be too much, you ask for something, as soon as you want to. Don't wait." She didn't want to tell her that if she waited too long they wouldn't be able to give her anything at all.

  But Bettina was shaking her head at Mary. "John won't let me. He says it'll brain-damage ... the kid...." Another pain was starting and Mary had to wait again. But when the pain was over, she pressed on.

  "He's wrong. Trust me. I was an O.B. nurse for years. They can give you an epidural, which is something like a spinal, and it will cut off all sensation below your waist. They can give you a little Demerol maybe, some kind of shot that will take the edge off the pain. They can do a lot of things that won't hurt the baby. Will you ask for it if you need it?"

  Bettina nodded distractedly. "Okay." She didn't want to waste her breath arguing. She knew how John felt about it, and he had insisted that she would damage their child if she took anything for the pain.

  Fifteen minutes later they drove up to the hospital, and Bettina could no longer walk. They put her on a gurney quickly, and Mary held her hand as she writhed in pain.

  "Oh Mary ... tell them ... no! ... Stop rolling!" She sat up, grabbing at the orderly, and then fell back and screamed. He waited patiently for the end of the contraction, and Mary tried to soothe her as she talked to her softly and held her hand. She was almost certain that she was now in transition and the pain was at its worst. But only three more centimeters, if that were the case, and she would be fully dilated, and then it would be almost over. She could start to push.

  John was waiting for them at labor and delivery, with a look of excitement on his face. He looked at Mary happily and smiled at her and then down at Bettina, dripping perspiration and groaning as she lay huddled on the gurney. She clutched at him wildly and started to cry as she held on to his white coat desperately. "Oh, John ... it hurts ... so much...." She was almost instantly torn apart by another pain as he watched. But he held her hand quietly and checked his watch as Mary looked on. An idea came to her suddenly then, and she quietly signaled John. When Bettina's pain had ended, he came to her with a look of peaceful satisfaction.

  "What's up?"

  "I just thought of something. Since I used to work here, they might let me scrub up to just be with you two. I can't assist, but I could be there for her." And then she couldn't help adding, "John, I think she's going to have a hard time." Mary had seen it often. And things were rapidly getting out of control.

  But John smiled gratefully at Mary, patted her shoulder, and shook his head. "Don't worry, everything's going just fine. Just look at her"--he cast a glance over his shoulder with a smile--"I think she's already in transition."

  "So do I. But that doesn't mean it's over."

  "Don't worry so much. You nurses are all alike." She tried to insist for a moment longer, but he firmly shook his head. Instead he signaled to one of the waiting O.B. nurses to push her into an examining room. But Mary went quickly to her head.

  "It's going to be okay, kiddo. You're doing great. All you have to do now is hang on. Kind of like a roller-coaster ride." And then she bent down and kissed her gently. "It's all right, Betty, it's all right." But tears were pouring from Bettina's eyes as the nurse pushed her silently into an examining room. And a moment later Mary saw Dr. McCarney disappear through the door, with John striding alongside. Mary almost cringed as she watched them, sure that no one had warned Bettina that he was going to have to examine her midpain. And tears filled Mary's eyes a moment later as the nurse came hurriedly out of the examining room, shrugged her shoulders, and they heard Bettina scream.

  "They wouldn't let me stay with her." The nurse looked apologetically at Mary, who nodded.

  "I know. I used to work here. Do you know how dilated she is?"

  "I'm not sure. They were guessing at seven and a half. But she just won't seem to progress."

  "Why don't they run an I.V. of Pitocin?"

  "McCarney says there's no point. She'll get there in good time." After that all Mary could glean from the hurrying nurses was that she was eight centimeters dilated, and McCarney and her husband had agreed that she shouldn't have anything for the pain. They figured it would be over pretty quickly, and either way, she'd be better off without doping herself up. The nurses were ordered out of the room almost as soon as they entered, and Mary paced the halls, close to hysteria herself. McCarney and John had decided to handle this one themselves while she was in labor, and the great Dr. McCarney didn't want any nurses around until they went to the delivery room. Mary paced up and down the long halls, wishing she had Seth with her, wishing Bettina had a different doctor, wishing everything, and occasionally hearing the girl scream.

  "She can't still be dilating, can she?" Mary looked woefully at the head nurse, who knew her well.

  But slowly she nodded. "It's just one of those bad-luck ones. She got to eight in a hurry and now she seems to be stuck right there."

  "How's she doing?"

  There was a moment of silence before the head nurse answered. "McCarney had us tie her down."

  "Oh, Jesus." He was as bad as Mary remembered, and finally she put a call through to Seth. But he wasn't able to join her until after six o'clock. By then Mary was crying when she explained what had gone on. He put an arm around her shoulders.

  "John's in there, he's not going to let the old guy be too rough on her."

  "The hell he's not. They tied her down three hours ago, Seth. And John told her he doesn't want her to have anything for the pain, or it'll brain-damage the child. What makes me crazy is that it doesn't have to be like that. You know that." He nodded and for a moment they both thought back to how beautiful it had been for them ten months before when they shared the birth of their second child. And even their first one had been nothing like this. "He's making it as awful for her as he can."

  "Just take it easy, Mary." And then he looked at her gently. "Do you want to go home?"

  But she was vehement as she shook her head. "I'm not leaving until that sonofabitch delivers her." The head nurse chuckled as she walked by.

  "Amen, Waterston." The two women exchanged a small grim smile.

  "How's she doing?"

  "About the same. She's at nine now." It had only taken seven hours for one centimeter, with yet another to go. It was just after ten o'clock at night.

  "Can't they give her something to speed it up?"

  But the head nurse shook her head and walked on.

  At last, another four hours later, just after two A.M., the door to her labor room opened, and John, McCarney, and two nurses hurried out. One of the nurses was pushing the gurney, where a strapped-down, restrained, hysterical Bettina whimpered as she lay there, almost insane from the pain. No one had spoken to her for hours, no one had comforted or explained. No one had held her hand, helped her move more comfortably. They had simply let her lie there, tied down, hysterical, agonized, frightened as the pains tore through her body and mind. At first John had tried to help her with her breathing, but McCarney had been quick to suggest that he stay down at the far end. "The work is happening down here, John." He had pointed to where he was working. They had had her tied into stirrups so they could check her with greater convenience, for the past eleven hours. Once or twice she had tried to tell them how badly her back was cramping, but after a while she didn't care. And when John had hesitated another time as he heard her crying, McCarney had shook his head firmly. "Just leave her alone. They all have to go through it. She won't even hear you if you talk." So John had done as McCarney told him, and when Seth and Mary saw her being shoved into the delivery room, it was obvious that Bettina was almost out of her head.

  "Oh, God, did you see her?" Mary began to cry as the door to delivery closed behind them and Seth took her into his arms.

  "It's all right, honey. She's going to be all right." But Mary pulled away from him, staring at her husband in horror.

  "Do you have any idea what it's like to do that to a woman? Do
you know what they've done to her mind? They've treated her like an animal for the last twelve hours, for God's sake. She'll never want to have a baby again. They've broken her, damn you! They've broken her!" And then, wordlessly, she reached for her husband and began to sob. He stood there, feeling helpless as he stroked her hair. He knew that what she was saying was right, but there was nothing he could do. He didn't understand how John had let McCarney deliver her. It seemed like a foolish thing to do. The man was competent, but he was a ruthless bastard. There was no doubt about that.

  "She's going to be all right, Mary. By tomorrow she won't remember all this."

  But Mary looked at him sadly. "She'll remember enough." He knew it was true, and they stood there together, feeling helpless and unhappy, for another two hours. At last at four thirty in the morning Alexander John Fields came into the world, lusty and crying, as his father looked at him proudly and his mother just lay there, staring blindly as she sobbed.

  Chapter 31

  "Bettina?" Mary knocked softly on the open doorway, wondering if she was at home. At first there was no answer, and then there was a cheerful call from upstairs.

  "Come on up, Mary. I'm straightening up Alex's room."

  Mary mounted the stairs slowly and smiled when she found Bettina at the top. "I spend half my life doing that. Where's the prince?"

  "Today's his first day at school." And then she looked at Mary in embarrassment. "I don't know what to do with myself, so I thought I'd clean up his room." But Mary nodded in answer.

  "That does me in every time."

  "What do you do to combat it?" Bettina smiled at her and sat on the brightly covered bed. The room was done in reds, blues, and yellows, with toy soldiers marching everywhere.

  But Mary was suddenly laughing. "What do I do? I get pregnant." She was grinning broadly as Bettina looked at her.

  "Oh, no! Mary, not again?"

  "Yup." They had had their third child two years before, and now there would be a fourth. "I just got the call from the doctor's office. But I think this is going to be it for the Waterstons. Hell, kid. I'll be thirty-nine this month. I'm not a baby like you."