Loving

by Steel, Danielle

  "You wouldn't have to go through that, Bettina. I'd never let anyone do something like that to you again." But she remembered too well what John had said. He was going to be there for her too.

  "I'm sorry, Ollie. I can't. I thought I made that clear to you in the beginning." She sighed as he started the car.

  "You did. But I just didn't realize how much it would bother me." He looked over at her with a halfhearted smile. He was hurt by her answer and he would be for a long time. "You're a hell of a woman, Bettina, and there's nothing in this world I want more than your child." She felt like a beast but there was nothing she could say as they drove home. Eventually the talk turned to the new house, and the next day she put in a bid. A week later it was theirs.

  "A little expensive," as she said to Mary over the phone, '"but wait till you see it, its gorgeous and we love it. We've decided to stay out here."

  Mary was happy for her. Whatever she did. "How's Ollie doing with his new job?"

  "Actually it's his old job, but he likes it." And there was a silence, as a shadow crossed Bettina's eyes. She hesitated for a moment, and then she sat down in the kitchen, the phone resting on her shoulder. She was alone in the house in Malibu for the morning, and she looked sadly out at the beach. "Mary, I've got a problem."

  "What is it, love?"

  "It's Ollie." Mary frowned as she listened. "He wants a kid."

  "And you don't."

  "That is the understatement of the year."

  "Why? Your career?" Mary didn't sound judgmental about it. She would have understood.

  "No, it's not that, it's--"

  "Don't tell me, McCarney." Mary said it and almost snarled. But Bettina had to laugh.

  "Jesus, I think you hate him more than I do."

  "I do." And then her voice softened. "But that's no reason not to have a baby. I told you five years ago it would never be like that again. Or, Jesus, Betty, even if it turned out to be a disaster, with a decent doctor he'd give you a spinal and a bunch of shots, you wouldn't even know what hit you; you'd be punchy and numb and the next thing you'd know you'd have a brand-new baby in your arms." Bettina smiled as she listened.

  "You make it sound nice."

  It is nice."

  I know. I love Alexander, and I know I'd love Ollie's child, but I just ... oh, Christ, Mary, I couldn't ..."

  "I'll make a deal with you. What you do about this is your business, but if you get pregnant, I'll come down and be with you for the birth."

  "As a nurse?" Bettina sounded intrigued.

  "Either way. As a nurse or a buddy. Whatever you want, and whatever the doctor says. I'd probably be more useful to you as a buddy, but whatever you like. And you could have Ollie with you. You know even in five years a lot of things have changed. With all this talk about babies, you two thinking about getting married?"

  "Hell, no." Bettina laughed.

  "I didn't think so, but I just wondered."

  "That one, at least, he's given up."

  Then maybe hell give this one up too."

  "Maybe." But Bettina didn't think so, and she wasn't totally sure that she wanted him to give it up. She had just turned thirty-four, and if she was ever going to have another baby, it was time.

  Chapter 45

  They moved out of the purple beach house a month after their six-week lease had expired and they moved into their lovely new stone one, and for a little while they lived with empty halls. But Ivo had left Bettina all of his furniture from the apartment in New York, so she called the place where it was in storage and had it sent out to the Coast. Then she and Ollie did some shopping, went to some auctions, bought some curtains, and spent a whole day picking out rugs. And three weeks later the place was off to a good beginning. Ollie's things had arrived from the little apartment he'd given up in New York.

  He never again mentioned the baby, but Bettina thought of it as she closed the larger of the two extra rooms. She didn't have time to spend turning them into guest rooms, she had to sit down and get to work on the movie script of her play. It seemed to take forever, and four months later she was still buried beneath a mountain of notes, and changes, and rough drafts in her little sun-filled room. It jutted straight out from their bedroom, and Ollie could hear her typing late at night as he drifted off to sleep. But it wasn't till after Christmas that he noticed how tired she looked.

  "You feeling okay?"

  "Yeah. Fine. Why?" She looked surprised.

  "I don't know. You look lousy."

  "Gee, darling, thank you." And then she grinned at him. "What do you expect from me? I'm working my ass off on this damn thing."

  "How's it coming?"

  She sighed deeply and let herself fall into a comfortable chair. "I don't know. I think I'm almost finished, but I won't admit it to myself. I keep playing with it and playing with it, until I get it right."

  "Have you shown it to anyone?" She shook her head. "Maybe you should."

  "I'm afraid they won't understand what I'm doing."

  "That's their business, baby. Why not try it?"

  She nodded slowly. "Maybe I will."

  Two weeks later she took his advice and gave it to Norton and the producers. They congratulated her on the completed script But instead of looking better, she was looking worse.

  "How about going to the doctor?"

  "I don't need one. All I need is sleep." And apparently she was right. For the next five days she barely came out from between the covers, not even to eat.

  "Are you that exhausted?" He looked frankly worried, but he had to admit that she had worked like a demon for four and a half months.

  She nodded. "More so. Everytime I wake up, all I want to do is go back to sleep."

  But two days later he got nervous and insisted that she go to the doctor. He made the appointment for her, and she grumbled mightily when he picked her up and took her there after work.

  "What's the big deal about going to the doctor?"

  "I don't need one." He had also noticed that she was snappish, and she hardly ever ate. Tim just tired."

  "Well, maybe he can do something to improve your mood." But she no longer laughed at his humor, and when she went into the doctor's office, for a moment Ollie had thought she was near tears. When she came out of the office, he was sure of it, and she didn't say a word. "Well?"

  "I'm fine."

  "Terrific. What made him decide that? Your charming disposition or the healthy glow in your eyes?"

  "I don't think you're amusing. Can't you just leave me alone?" But when they walked into the house, he grabbed her arm and pulled her into the downstairs study so they could be alone.

  "I've had enough of this bullshit, Bettina. I want to know what the hell is going on."

  "Nothing." But as she looked at him her lip trembled and her eyes filed with tears. Nothing! Okay?"

  "No, not okay. You're lying. Now what did he say?" She started to turn away and he grabbed at her arm. "Bettina ... baby ... please.... " But she only closed her eyes and shook her head.

  "Just leave me alone." Slowly he turned her toward him. Maybe it was something awful. A tremor ran through him as he tried to hide from the thought. He couldn't bear to lose her. His life would never be the same.

  "Bettina?" Now his voice trembled too, but at last she faced him, the tears streaming from her eyes.

  "I'm three and a half months pregnant, Ollie." And then, gulping, "I was so wrapped up in that damn screenplay that I never noticed. All I did was work day and night, and I never thought ..." She cried harder. "I can't even have an abortion. I'm two weeks too late."

  He looked at her, momentarily in shock. "Would you have wanted one?"

  But she only stared at him. "What does that matter now? I have no choice." And then, wrenching free from his grip on her, she ran from the room. A moment later he heard the door to their bedroom slam shut, and Alexander came running down the stairs.

  "What's wrong with Mommy?"

  "She's just tired."

 
But Alexander rolled his eyes in irritation. "Still?"'

  "Yeah, tiger, still."

  "Okay, want to come play?" But Ollie was feeling distracted and he shook his head vaguely. All he wanted was to be alone.

  "How about later?"

  The boy looked disgruntled. "But later I have to go to bed."

  In that case"--Oliver stooped to give him a warm hug--"you're just going to have to excuse me. Shall I give you a rain check?" The boy nodded happily. That was one of the things he loved best With a flourish Ollie took out paper and pen and gave him a rain check. "Will that do it?"

  "You bet."

  As Alexander left the room to find his baby-sitter, Ollie sank slowly into a chair. He was still stunned about what Bettina had said about an abortion. Would she really have don't it? Would she have told him? How could she? But he forced himself to understand that that wasn't what was happening. She was having his baby ... his baby.... He found himself smiling slowly, and then frowning again, agonized about her. What if it was as bad as the last time? What if she never forgave him? How could he do that to her? He felt himself begin to panic, and then almost without thinking, he looked for her phone book and dialed the number in Mill Valley. They hardly knew each other, but he knew that she would help.

  "Mary? This is Oliver Paxton in Los Angeles."

  "Ollie?" There was a moment of silence. "Is something wrong?"

  "I ... no ... that is ... yes." And then, with a sigh, he told her the whole tale. "I don't even know why I'm calling except that ... oh, Christ, I don't know, Mary, you're a nurse, you're a friend ... you were there last time ... oh, Jesus, do you think it'll kill her? ... I don't know what to say. She's hysterical. I have never seen her so upset."

  Mary nodded as she listened. "She has a right to be."

  "Was it as bad as she remembers?"

  "No. It was probably considerably worse."

  "Oh, my God." And then, hating himself for the words, he grabbed at the only straw. "Can't they do an abortion if she's three and a half months pregnant?"

  "If they have to, but it's fairly dangerous." And then after a moment, "Is that what you really want?"

  "It's what she wants. She said so." He sounded near tears.

  "She's just frightened." And then slowly she told him what it had been like. It almost made him squirm. "She might have had a hard time anyway, but in essence it was all because of the doctor. He made it about as bad as it could get."

  "Does she know that?"

  "In her head, yes. In her gut, no. She's panicstricken about it. I know. We've discussed it before. She decided right then she'd never have another one. And if I'd gone through what she did, I'd have made that decision too. But, Ollie, this time it will be entirely different."

  "How do you know that?"

  "Any doctor can tell you that. In fact hers probably did."

  "She doesn't even have an obstetrician yet."

  "Well, for God's sake, make sure she gets the right one. Have her talk to other women, other doctors, check the guy out in every way you can. Ollie, it's important. She shouldn't have to go through that again."

  "She won't." He sighed softly into the phone. "And, Mary, thank you. I'm sorry to bother you with our problems."

  "Don't be silly." And then, with a slow smile, "And Ollie ... I'm so glad."

  He sighed again. "So am I. But, God, I hate to put her through this."

  "She'll calm down in a while. Just get her a decent doctor."

  He took care of that the moment he hung up the phone. He called four of his close friends at the paper, who had recently had kids, or at least in the last few years. And miraculously three of the women had had the same doctor, and they all thought he was a dream. He hastily wrote the man's name down on a piece or paper, called information, and nervously dialed. Three minutes later he had him on the line.

  "Doctor Salbert, my name is Oliver Paxton.... " Laboriously he told him his tale.

  "Just bring her in in the morning. Say around ten thirty?"

  "Fine. But what'll I do in the meantime?"

  The doctor chuckled. "Give her a stiff drink."

  "That won't hurt the baby?"

  "Not if she Just drinks one or two."

  "What about champagne?" Oliver had never felt so ruffled and nervous, but the doctor only smiled.

  "That'll be fine. See you tomorrow."

  "Absolutely ... and thank you. ..." He hung up the phone and ran out the door.

  "Where are you going?" Alexander called after him.

  "I'll be right back." And he was, with a huge bottle of chilled vintage French champagne. Five minutes later he had put the bottle, two glasses, and some peanuts on a large tray and he was knocking softly on their bedroom door.

  "Yeah?" He could hear Bettina's muffled voice within.

  "Can I come in?"

  "No."

  "Good." He opened the door gently. "I love feeling welcome."

  "Oh, Jesus." She rolled over in bed when she saw the champagne. "This is not a celebration, Ollie."

  "Mind your own business, Daniels. I'll welcome my kid into this world any way I like. Besides which"--he put the tray down and looked down warmly at her--"I happen to be madly in love with the kid's mother." He sat down next to her and gently stroked her hair, but she pulled away.

  "Don't ... I'm not in the mood."

  But he just lay there and watched her, a lifetime of loving in his eyes. "Baby, I know what you're feeling. I talked to Mary, and I understand what a nightmare it must have been. But it won't be like that again. Never, ever, I swear it."

  "You called Mary?" She looked at him with surprise and sudden suspicion. "Why did you do that?"

  "Because I love you, and I was worried, and I don't want you to be scared." And suddenly the way he said it brought fresh tears to her eyes.

  "Oh, Ollie, I love you ... oh, darling.... " She sobbed in his arms.

  "It's going to be just fine."

  "You promise?" She looked like a little girl and he smiled.

  "I promise. And tomorrow we're going to see a doctor that everyone loves."

  "You found me a doctor too?" She looked stunned.

  "Of course, I'm terrific. Hadn't you noticed that before?"

  "Yeah ... as a matter of fact I had.... How did you find this doctor?" She was smiling at him and she leaned over to kiss his ear.

  "I asked some friends whose wives just had babies, and then I called him. He sounds nice."

  "What did he say?"

  "That you should drink some champagne." He sat up grinning. "Doctor's orders." He opened the bottle and handed her a glass of the sparkling wine.

  "It won't hurt the baby?" She looked dubious as she held the glass and he smiled. John had forbidden her to drink while she was expecting Alexander.

  "No, darling, it won't hurt the baby." And then he looked at her, glad that she cared. "It's going to be a lovely baby, Bettina."

  "How do you know that?" She was smiling broadly, a look of relief slowly coming to her eyes.

  "Because it's ours."

  Chapter 46

  "Hey, fatso, ifs for you!" Ollie waved to her from the doorway as she played with Alexander in the backyard. She had just bought him a new set of swings, and with her enormous belly in front of her she was pushing him as high as she could.

  "I'll be back In a minute, darling." As best she could, she hurried to Ihe kitchen door with a look of disapproval for Ollie. "Don't cal me that you big-mouthed giant As it so happens, I've only gained fourteen pounds."

  "You Sure that guy knows how to read the scale?" But the doctor he had found her could do more than that. In the four months Bettina had been seeing him, be had established a relationship based on trust and confidence, and she was actually beginning to be less panicked by the birth.

  "Never mind. Who's on the phone?"

  "Norton."

  "Whafs he want?"

  "I don't know. Ask him."

  She took the phone from him and they exchanged a friendly ki
ss. Their relationship was filled with joking and teasing. Ollie was ecstatic about the baby, and he was infinitely protective of her. Even Alexander had decided that maybe it wouldn't be bad after all, as long as it wasn't a girl.

  "What?" Bettina was staring in disbelief at the phone.

  Ollie glanced over at her, trying to mouth questions, but she shook her head and quickly turned her back. It seemed hours before she was finally off the phone. "Well, what was it? Don't keep me in suspense."

  She sat down, looking pale. "They're going to do my second play. Not only are they going to do it, but he already has a movie deal."

  "And you're surprised? I told you that months ago. The only thing that surprises me is that it took this long." It had taken almost a year to sell her second play. And then he looked suddenly worried. "When do they want to start?"

  She looked at Oliver in amusement. "They had to be reasonable about it. Norton told them I was pregnant, so it's not for a while."

  "What does that mean?"

  "October." The baby was due in July. "The contract says I only have to be in New York for three months." And then she looked worried. "Can you take a leave of absence for that long?"

  "If I have to." He didn't look concerned. "Can we take a baby that young to New York?"

  "Sure. It'll be two months old."

  "Not 'it,' 'she,'" he corrected. He kept insisting that he wanted a girl. He kept looking at Alexander proudly, saying that he already had a son. It was one of the reasons why he still wanted to get married, so he could adopt Alexander and give him his name. But Bettina was still firm in her refusal.

  "It's more fun this way, we all have our own names, Daniels, Paxton, and Fields,"

  "It sounds like a law firm." But she wasn't moved.

  Now she sat staring for a moment, thinking of her play and Oliver smiled at her. "How soon will they want to start work on the movie?"

  "After Christmas. And figure it'll take six months, so that will bring me through June. All in all, it'll be about nine months of work."

  But he still looked worried. "That won't be too much for you right after the baby?"

  It won't be 'right' after. I'll have two months to rest. Believe me, afterward isn't the hard part" She still had some fears. But they had gone to classes together and they shared each session at the doctor. Ollie had waited too long for this event to miss even a moment of it now. At forty-four, he called it the event of his life.