Only Her Heart (The Jaded Hearts Club)

by Olivia Linden

  Leaning into my side, John whispered in my ear, “Please don’t be angry with me. Give me a chance to talk to you.” His lips brushed against my cheek, causing me to shiver inadvertently. Underneath the table, John reached for my hand. Still not looking his way, I resisted, moving my hand further out of his reach. Ignoring my move, he grabbed and held onto me, giving me a slight squeeze. I still couldn’t move. It was all I could do to keep my composure as it was. The others were watching too, and I didn’t want to cause a scene. All I needed to do was get through the show, and then I could distance myself from this madness.

  The show was a welcome reprieve from my thoughts. As expected, Jackie delivered an exceptional presentation of the boutiques latest line of unique fashions. I almost cheered when Angel came waltzing down the runway in six inch heels that helped to make up for her lack in stature. I marveled at how easily she maneuvered in them. More than four inches and I was cruisin for a bruisin. The end of the show was met with great applause and a standing ovation for Jackie. My heart swelled with pride for my cousin. She worked hard and deserved the attention. Before the cheer of the crowd could even die down, I heard the shrewish, but nauseatingly sultry voice from behind me.

  “John, do you think you have time for me now?” Alicia’s grip on John’s arm was so sure and confident, I couldn’t wait for him to make her feel stupid by telling her no. This time, I didn’t hide my distaste for her intrusion as I waited for John to respond.

  “Jade, can you give me a few minutes?” John asked, turning to me for an answer. What? Jesus, Joseph and Mary! He has got to be kidding me. I looked from John to Alicia, who was now gloating. Then I felt all the eyes from the table on me, and the room began to disappear. I straightened my back, and took a deep breath to regroup.

  “No worries, John. Take as much time as you need,” I uttered calmly as I brushed between them, and made my way out of the ballroom. Initially I just wanted to get some fresh air, but once I entered the lobby, the elevators beckoned me. I wanted out. Out of the tension, out of the heels, and that damn dress. Pulling out my phone, I sent Drew a text telling him that I was OK and please tell the others not to follow me.

  Ch 23 One of many

  I shoved into my hotel room and let the door slam behind me. I looked around the room trying to decipher my things from Jackie's. Not like it mattered, but I made sure to grab as many of my things as quickly as I could so that I could get out of there. So much for the great rekindling. Pure anger and jealousy raged through my veins as I kicked off my heels and the ridiculous cinderella gown Jackie convinced me to wear.

  I’m such a fool!

  My thoughts traveled back to Brazil as I struggled with what seemed like a million hooks on my dress. I actually believed that what happened between John and I had meant something. Well, maybe just not to him. I knew that he had seemed distant towards me, I just didn’t know why. I heard the door slam while I was finally pulling my dress over my head. Damn it! I hoped that my friends would honor my request for some space.

  I spun around, and then backed up a few steps in surprise, expecting to see Jackie, not to come face to face with John just as he was storming towards me. The intensely dark expression in his eyes was also enough to cause me to clutch my bulky gown to me as a poor excuse for a shield.

  “What, exactly, is your problem?” He stopped short of grabbing me, but stood towering over me with his fists clenched. Anger rolling off him in waves as he glared at me. I wasn’t the least bit concerned that John would hit me, at least I didn’t want to be, but truthfully I was a little frightened. That didn’t quell my anger at what I had witnessed.

  “My problem? You really have the nerve to ask me that? After everything I’ve been through?” I tried to shove him out of my face, ineffectively, still clinging to my evening gown. He merely shrugged it off and came closer.

  “Everything you’ve been through? So, once again it’s all about you? Do you ever think about anyone else's feelings? Do you even see other people, or are we just like puppets you play with when you get bored?”

  “I wasn’t the one that showed up tonight with a date, John! And puppets? Really? Because that’s exactly what I feel like right now! I can’t believe I fell for your crap,” I fumed.

  “My crap? What fucking crap?” John’s voice was filled with confusion.

  “Bra-zil! I guess what happened there stayed there, huh.” I didn’t care if he thought I was jealous, because I was. And I was hurt, and embarrassed. There was a little tiny voice in the back of my mind that called me a hypocrite, but I didn’t care about that either.

  “I don’t get you. You are a real piece of freakin’ work. What am I supposed to do, not date? Wait for you to decide what the hell you want? Who you want?” He turned to walk away from me, then turned back suddenly, shoving a finger at me in accusation. “ You pushed me away, for him. You always chose him, Jade. I don’t know what you expect from me. Do you even understand what I go through, just being near you?”

  My hands started to tremble and I knew my traitorous tears weren’t too far behind. “You came to me, John! You came to my room. You made love to me. I wasn’t the one that kept pushing things further. I never led you on!” I knew I hit a button when I saw the wicked glint return to his gaze.

  “Oh no? You never led me on? Yea, I seem to remember differently,” his tone was lowered but filled with venom, and I no longer wanted him to be here. It didn’t feel right to fight with him.

  “I really don’t give a fuck what you remember! Why are you even here? Don’t you have somewhere else to be? Someone else waiting on you?” I heard my own screams and couldn’t believe what was happening. I tried to push past him to lead him to the door, but he grabbed after me catching hold of the dress instead of my arm. I tried to grip it tighter to me, but he just yanked it entirely away, and chucked it to the ground. In spite of the fact that he’d seen me stark naked plenty of times, I felt exposed standing there in my bra and garter set.

  “You want me to leave now? Not too long ago you wanted to spend the night with me,” he slowly stalked towards me as he spoke. I stood there defiant, trying to ignore the way his eyes roamed over my exposed flesh. The atmosphere had changed between us rapidly, the anger had flared and left a smolder behind. John showing his feelings was like an aphrodisiac to me, but I was still pissed at his accusations.

  “I never led you on,” I repeated. John tilted his head to the side as he neared me. My skin began to tingle with goosebumps and excitement. I knew the increase of my breathing was almost visible and I was slightly embarrassed about that too.

  “But don’t you always? Oh, I know, you don’t mean to.” He gripped my hip with one hand, and pulled me against him. “Look, you’re leading me on right now. You knew I would follow after you. Don't I always come after you? Why do you keep pulling me back in if you don't want me?” He grabbed hold of both hips and held me as I attempted to pull away.

  “Why are you saying that? That’s not how it is with us and you know it.” I looked him square in his eyes when I spoke. His eyes softened as he caressed my cheek, and I leaned into him no longer denying that this is what I wanted all along. He didn’t reply as he slowly slid his other hand up my back and buried both of them into my hair. I clutched the lapels of his blazer, pulling him closer to me.The air between us was charged with uncertainty as I continued to cling to him.

  "I shouldn't want you, Jade, but I can't help it. I can't fucking help myself." Finally he bent his head slowly to place his lips on mine, brushing against mine lightly before he pressed harder.

  I tried to control my hunger for him, not wanting to negate the tenderness of the moment, but my whimpers couldn’t be helped. I wanted him so badly. The momentum of his kiss increased as his shock wore off and his desire bubbled. His tongue drove deeper and became more searching, and I accepted him readily. Out of no where, Alicia’s face flashed across my eyelids. This wasn’t right. There was too much hanging in the wind. Don’t let your head hit the p
illow!!!

  “No, I can’t,” I stammered trying to pull away from John’s kiss. It was almost painful to remove his skilled hands from caressing my skin, but I couldn’t ignore what I was feeling inside. John let out his next breath in a huff, but didn’t resist as I pulled away.

  “What is really going on here?” I panted, still out of breath. What did I want? I wanted to know the truth, no matter if it hurt.

  “Will you calm down and listen?” John says exasperatedly. I held my tongue and allowed him to speak.

  “Sit down,” he commanded me. Sullenly, I slumped down onto the couch. My mind was racing with all sorts of wild thoughts about what he was going to say, but I remained quiet.

  “Like I told you before, it’s not what you think with Alicia. Yes, we were together before, and she probably wants that again, but the reason she’s back in my life is complicated. I really don’t even know how to tell you this.” He paced for a few moments before joining me on the couch. Nervously, I plucked up a cushion and hug it to my chest. I watched as John wrestled with how to deliver his story. The tension in the room was so thick, I felt like we could drown in it.

  “Jade. I’m a recovering sex addict,” was the bomb he dropped on me. Whoa... Not at all what I was expecting to hear.

  “What?” I asked, even though we both know I heard what he said. Yes, I heard the words, but my mind was too frazzled to comprehend. I sat in shock as John went on to explain his history to me.

  When he and Alicia were together in college, she was just getting into her modeling career. That led to invitations to wild parties, and an exciting lifestyle that led to both of them experimenting with the darker side of life. Parties, with lots of sex and drugs. While she used recreationally, John became addicted to cocaine. Alicia was there for him when he went through rehab and together they both cleaned up their act. The downside was that John replaced his addiction to drugs with an affinity for constant sexual pleasure. It wasn’t until Alicia began to travel for work, and had to be away from him for long periods of time, that he realized he had a problem. The rift in their relationship formed when John had to abstain from the lifestyle they were immersed in, in order to get over his demons. At the time, she didn’t understand why she had to change when he was the one with the problem. She also wanted to get more serious, she wanted children, but John wasn’t ready. He moved back to New York, and she remained in Cali, but they maintained a long distance relationship. The plan was for her to eventually move to the East Coast too, but John knew she wasn’t ready to give up her socializing and made the decision to end things between them. Shortly after their breakup, he met me.

  “When I first met you, I hadn’t been with anyone in months. Work and working out was what I focused on to cleanse my mind. I hate to say this, but you looked so similar to my ex that it took me by surprise. Then I got to know you, and you were so different from her. Where she was the consummate socialite, you were so reserved. You were sweet and down to earth, but there was a sadness about you that touched me.” John paused, lost in his own thoughts. My thoughts were a jumbled mess. If there were a visual representation of the inside of my mind, it would have looked like a ziplock bag filled with puzzle pieces. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel, or how to react. I was stunned. The only part of me that was still working was my heart, that was thumping rapidly inside my ribcage.

  “I thought that I could be there for you, be good for you because I understood your pain. I wasn’t perfect, and having gone through my experiences, I didn’t care about Julian. He was gone. I thought that he would be pushed aside like my feelings for Alicia, and we could both move on together. The day I sent you those flowers was the day I knew I was wrong. It was also the day I recognized that I was falling back into the pattern of my addiction. Instead of dealing with my emotions, I was expressing them through sex. The more my feelings for you grew, the more I had to have you. So that was part of the reason I ended things with us. That and the fact that you weren’t dealing with your demons. We were creating this fantasy land together to escape from the things we didn’t want to deal with, and that wasn’t going to end well. I didn’t get a chance to tell you this because of your attack. I’ve been seeing my old therapist in California, not Alicia. The reason she is here is because she thinks that I’m going to relapse with you. Because of you.” He looked at me then, his eyes filled with pain. I still didn’t know what to say, but I reached out for him because I wanted him to know that there was no judgment in my silence. My fingers intertwined with his, as I held his hand. John released a ragged sigh of relief, squeezing my hand before pulling me into his chest. It was then that I noticed the wetness of my tears dripping from my chin. John took off his jacket, using it to cover my half naked body.

  “Now do you understand why I suggested we take things slow?” John swiped at my tears with his question. All I could do was nod. I was in too fragile of a state to communicate verbally, trying to stay on the right side of sanity. Why did everything in my world seemed to be unstable? I don’t know, but I fought from letting that chaos consume me. I tried to remember that all the things that crumpled and fell away were just things that needed to go. There was no perfect.

  While John held my body, I struggled to hold on to my mind. I would be ok. This was just a moment. One of many.

  I was worn out. Somewhere during my attempt to process John’s story, my body and my mind agreed that it was all too much. I fell asleep. Waking up to find Angel watching me with a combined expression of pity and sympathy. Add to that my feeling of disorientation. I had no idea what time it was, or even what day it was. When had John left?

  “Hey,” I said after getting a grasp on my bearings. I was nestled into the couch in my hotel room with a sheet draped over me. Angel was sitting on the end of the couch, with her knees pulled up to her chest.

  “How are you feeling?” She sounded as if she hadn’t had much of a better night than I had.

  “Tired. Really tired,” I sighed. Looking around for some clue as to what century we were in. My eyes landed on the digital display on the entertainment system. It was 2:00 am.

  “What are you doing up?” I asked her as I pulled the sheets tighter around me. She released a long sigh before she responded.

  “Well, remember when we met in the airport and I told you about my newly acquired sibling?” Angel rubbed her hands over her weary eyes.

  “Yeah. You thought we were connected or something.” I recalled her sassy introduction.

  “Well we are, but not like I assumed. Alicia is my sister. When I said the world was truly a tiny place, I had no idea how tiny. What are the fucking odds?” Judging by the sarcastic tone of her voice, their mini family reunion wasn’t filled with sisterly love. I placed a hand on my forehead, unsuccessfully trying to keep my brooding at bay.

  “Wow,” was my only response. Not much could surprise me at this point. I looked over to Angel who was just staring off into space, chewing on her pouty lips. My curiosity to know more about her sister prompted me to engage her.

  “So, what is she like?”

  “Let’s just say we won’t be having Thanksgiving dinner together. Scratch Christmas off the list while you’re at it,” she snipped.

  “C’mon. She can’t be that bad. Shit. Who am I kidding. I think she’s a bitch, but I biased.” I shrugged my shoulders, and Angel laughed.

  “Yes she is. She’s all ‘hollywood’, snobby and pretentious. She barely had two words to say to me at my father’s funeral, but after I walked in the fashion show tonight, she suddenly wanted to know all about me. Yeah right. She just wanted to find out as much about you as she could. Don’t worry, I shut that down.”

  I felt bad for Angel. To find out you have a long lost sister was bad enough, to find out she was a stuck up socialite had to suck. Maybe in time they would find some common ground.

  “Well, she can’t be that bad. John dated her for about half a decade,” I shared.

  Angel’s eyes shone with compre
hension.

  “Man Jade. I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry. Well I am, but I’m not. John seems nice enough, but I’ve been Team Julian since that day on the boat.” She grinned at me while playing piggies with my toes.

  “Is that so? I’m sure a glorious time on his boat has nothing to do with it,” I teased. I was happy for the excuse to joke, despite not really wanting to think about either guy.

  “The boat was cake, but he had me when he walked into the restaurant. Girl... He is the definition of Swag Boss. I bet there is a picture of him in the Urban Dictionary. Uhm Uhm Uhm that Jules,” she swooned, pronouncing his name Jew-elz. I bust out laughing at her description. No, Jules, pronounced jewls, was not lacking in the swagger department at all. I missed him and hoped he was ok.