by Linda Ford
With their plates full, they returned to the sitting room, where he shepherded her into the farthest corner. Missy harbored a little hope that he’d done it purposely so they could be alone. As alone as they could be in such a crowd. Yet the way he turned toward her and smiled made her forget all the others.
Their arms brushed as they each lifted a bite to their mouth. With every touch, a little thrill raced through her. She knew it was only pretend, only for this one evening, but for this short time she wouldn’t worry that he was leaving, nor would she concern herself with the pain she’d have to deal with when he did. Even more, she would not think how sitting beside him dreaming of letting herself fall in love with him was totally in conflict with her plans.
Refreshments ended and the dishes were taken to the kitchen.
“Time is winding down,” Eddie said.
His words startled Missy, as if he meant to remind her that Wade would soon be leaving. Then she realized he meant the countdown to the New Year.
The room grew so quiet they could hear the ticking of the clock on the wall. They all turned to watch the hands move. Wade shifted and draped his arm across the back of her chair. It seemed an innocent gesture, but her heart reacted with several racing beats.
“Ten, nine...” Eddie began the countdown and the others joined him.
“...three, two, one. Happy New Year!” Everyone came to their feet.
Wade caught Missy in his arms and pulled her in for a sweet, gentle kiss. At least it started that way, but then his lips lingered, his arms tightened about her. She planted her hands on either side of his waist and kissed him back.
A shuffling sound, as the others withdrew from their own embraces, reminded her they were not alone, and she stepped back reluctantly. She felt Wade’s gaze lingering on her and turned away, her cheeks hot. Only when she saw that no one seemed interested in them did she relax.
The guests began to depart. Those with children gathered up their young ones, who had fallen asleep in various rooms of the house. Joey and Annie had taken themselves to bed some time ago.
Wade stayed at Missy’s side as she went through the motions of bidding goodbye to the guests. But her words were rote, her gestures wooden as she shook hands with the men and hugged the women.
Louise and Nate prepared to take the stairs to their room. She paused to hug Missy.
“Happy New Year, little sister.” Before Missy could protest that Louise didn’t need to consider her that any longer, her friend addressed her concern. “You will always be my little sister, and don’t forget it.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Louise chuckled. “I know you’re not little anymore. You’re all grown up. I’m so pleased to see you interested in grown-up things.” Her gaze went deliberately to Wade. “You two make a lovely couple.”
As Nate escorted Louise up the stairs, Missy stood openmouthed. She could not look at Wade. Surely he wouldn’t think she had her eyes set on him.
Though the idea was more than a little tempting.
It was only because of the excitement of the party.
And his innocent New Year’s Eve kiss.
“Happy New Year,” she murmured, and fled down the hall to her room.
* * *
Wade stood at the foot of the stairs, too stunned by the events of the last two minutes to move. You two make a lovely couple. He wished it could be true.
He should not have kissed her, even though he’d meant it only as the customary New Year’s tradition. But it had changed something. And try as he might, he couldn’t undo that.
It was only because he was tired. Tomorrow he would sort things out.
He made his way to his room, checked on the children. They were both sound asleep. A few minutes later he lay stretched out under the covers, his hands folded under his head as he stared at the dark ceiling. He didn’t need light to see the things racing through his head, mostly images of Missy laughing with abandon. He smiled with renewed pleasure. My, he enjoyed hearing her laugh. Almost as much as he enjoyed seeing her have a good time. But not nearly as much as he enjoyed having her sit so close to his side that he could feel her every inhalation and note the summery scent that wafted to him when either of them moved.
He replayed many of the scenes from the party, but each one led directly to the kiss. He could do nothing but stare into the dark and grin.
* * *
Wade woke with the same smile the next morning when the children tiptoed into the room.
“Can we get up?” Joey whispered. “We’ll be very quiet so we don’t wake up the others.”
“I’ll tell you what. If you can get dressed without making a sound, I’ll take you outside.”
They slipped from the room on silent feet and, suspecting they’d hurry back, leaving him no opportunity to lie about remembering the night before, Wade hurriedly dressed. Just in time, as the pair returned.
“Did you hear us?” Annie asked.
“Nope. You did good.” Now to make it down the stairs without waking the household.
He held his finger to his lips as they eased down each step. He paused at the bottom and listened. Not a sound. Good. He cracked the door open and they slipped outside. “No noise until we are away from the house.” He glanced about. There were cabins and houses everywhere. “I guess no noise until we get away from the ranch.”
The door whispered open.
“May I join you?”
His heart skipped with joy at Missy’s softly spoken question and he turned to smile in welcome. He crooked his elbow, inviting her to put her hand on his arm. She did and his smile came clear from the deepest part of his heart.
“We’re trying to be quiet so we don’t wake up anyone,” he explained, as the children tiptoed across the frozen ground.
“Good idea.” Missy’s words were laced with amusement. “Where are you going?”
“Away from the buildings.” His gaze followed the path across the bridge and past the pens to the courting hill. It could hardly be seen as that with two children in attendance.
But no matter. The sun was bright in a cloudless sky. The air was clear and pure. And Missy walked at his side.
They passed the cookhouse and the little cabin where Seth and Jayne lived. They would have to leave the yard behind before the children could be allowed to play, so he indicated they should head down the path toward the Jones house.
As they approached it, the door flew open and Billy peeked his head out. “Can Joey and Annie come in and play with us?”
Cassie poked her head out above her son’s. “You’re welcome to come in.”
Wade turned to Missy. “Do you want to visit with Cassie and Roper or go for a walk?”
She ducked so he couldn’t see her expression, but not before he saw a flash of delight in her eyes, and Wade tucked the knowledge into his happy heart.
“It’s a beautiful morning,” she murmured. “I’d very much enjoy a walk in the fresh air.”
His smile came from the depths of his heart. “Me, too.” He turned to Cassie and called, “Do you mind watching the children while we go for a walk?”
“Not in the least. Enjoy yourselves.” She ushered the two inside and closed the door.
Missy’s hand was still tucked around Wade’s arm and he pressed it close to his side as, with a heart full of promise, he turned toward the bridge.
They took their time crossing the river, as if they had no destination in mind and were simply following the path. They sauntered past the pigpen, past the wintering corrals, pausing often to watch the animals and to comment on this and that. The noise the pigs made. The way the cows all lifted their heads and watched with bovine expressions. The chill in the air as they left the shelter of the pens and stepped past a clearing toward the tree-lined path that led up the hil
l.
Wade didn’t point out that the direction they chose would take them to the courting hill, as Brand called it. But if he wasn’t mistaken, Missy understood that fact.
They continued to take their time, pausing to look for the snowy owl.
“I wish we’d see him again,” she murmured.
Wade pressed her hand closer to his side. Was she mostly wanting to see the beautiful bird once more or was she recalling the way she’d practically fallen into his arms the last time? He thought only of the latter.
They reached the top of the hill, where a half circle of trees stood, bare limbs outstretched, welcoming them into their shelter. Wade led Missy into it, turning so they faced outward. The landscape dipped toward the snow-covered pasture below and then rose in hill after hill dotted with pine and spruce trees, clear on to the mountains, which reflected the pink of the sunrise to the east.
He glanced at her to see if she was enjoying the scenery, and caught her turning her head away. She’d been looking at him, not the mountains or the trees. But now she studiously kept her gaze on the majestic scene before them.
Wade waited several seconds for her to look at him, but she didn’t. He wondered why. Was she upset at him about their New Year’s kiss?
“About last night—” he began.
She turned back to him so fast it must have hurt her neck. “Don’t say it was a mistake.” Her voice rang out clearly, but her eyes revealed distress.
He caught her by the shoulders and turned her to face him. He took his time studying her, the flyaway strands of sunlit hair escaping her hat, her pure skin, full lips and blue-green, challenging eyes.
“Does this seem like I think it’s a mistake?” And he claimed her sweet mouth.
She sighed and leaned into him, obviously wanting this as much as he.
When he pulled back, he saw her eyes had a dreamy look to them, and he glowed inside with the satisfaction that he’d put it there.
She shifted to gaze at the scenery again. “What did you think of Bertie’s sermon yesterday?”
Wrapped up in her kiss, Wade could barely recall it, but he dragged up something from his distant memory. “I liked how he thought we should go boldly into the future.” That was what Bertie had said, wasn’t it? Wade couldn’t be certain now.
Missy nodded. “Me, too.” She slipped away, just far enough that he could feel the cool air drift between them.
He thought of pulling her back, but she seemed to be considering something so he waited.
She began to speak slowly, softly. “The New Year is a time for new beginnings. A time to start over. A time to put old things aside and reach out for new things.”
His breath stalled halfway up his throat. Was she about to make major changes in her plans? He tried to guess what that would mean. Maybe she’d want to—
But he couldn’t, wouldn’t even think what it might be. Nor what he might wish it to be.
Her eyes flashed. “Wouldn’t now be a good time for you to put aside whatever is in your past? Whatever you think prevents you from making a home for the children. I know it’s more than the fact you’re a cowboy. That’s something you can work out. I see how much you love the children and they love you. Face the future boldly. Give them a home.” Missy lapsed into silence, but her eyes challenged him.
He stepped back as if she’d physically dealt him a blow. Oh, she’d dealt a terrible one, but not with her fists. “I love them, it’s true. But love isn’t enough.”
At the surprise on her face he knew he had to explain. “I loved my wife and Tomasina loved me, but it wasn’t enough to stop her from taking her own life.”
Missy lifted a hand as if to comfort him, then lowered it. Her eyes were wide and dark.
She was as shocked and dismayed by the knowledge as he was burdened with it.
He should not have told her. Now she would see him for who he truly was...a man unable to care for those he loved. His whole being hurt at the prospect.
New beginnings were not possible for men like him.
Chapter Thirteen
Missy’s arms grew numb. The feeling spread throughout her body, leaving her unable to move, barely able to get air into her lungs. She must fight the sensation, say something or do something as Wade stared at her, his eyes hard as the frozen ground they’d recently crossed.
Only one word came to mind. “Why?”
He averted his gaze and turned from her in one swift movement that left her aching inside.
She waited, any words she might have spoken sucked away by wave after wave of shock.
“It was my fault.” He managed to squeak out the words.
At the agony in his voice, the dam stopping her from speaking broke. She wanted to touch him, comfort him, but he was so brittle she feared that he’d shatter if she did. “Tell me what happened.”
He stared out at the mountains, but she knew he didn’t see them. He saw something so horrible, so unforgettable, that he shuddered. Missy wondered if he heard her request, and if so, if he meant to answer it.
“I found her.”
A groan ripped from Missy’s heart.
He continued, his voice a deep monotone. “She was in bed. At first I thought she might have hurt herself fatally, but I could see no sign of injury, and then I spied the lye bottle beside the bed.” He shuddered clear to his toes.
Missy wanted to ask why. Why would a woman do such a dreadful thing? But she dared not ask. Not with Wade looking as if the blood had drained from his body.
She edged closer, wondering if he would collapse, but then he sucked in air and released it in a whoosh.
Slowly, he continued. “I didn’t even know she was unhappy. Yes, I knew she was disappointed we hadn’t had children, as was I. But I said it was okay. We could be happy without them. I thought she was happy. I was so blind. I didn’t see that she was so desperate.”
Missy rubbed a hand along his sleeve. What did one say in the face of such a terrible thing?
Wade came about to face her, and at the desperation in his eyes her throat clamped shut. “I failed her.” The words rasped from him.
Stung by the depths of his emotions, she silently asked God to guide her words. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“But I can and I do. I should have seen her need. I should have done something to help her.”
“Wade, you aren’t responsible for the choices and actions of another. I think Tomasina had some serious problems. She must have been very unhappy to do such a thing. Sometimes...” The words came slowly, hesitantly. Missy did not want to offer an easy answer, nor make light of how devastating it must have been to find his wife dead. “Sometimes a person needs more than any other individual can give them. The fault then is with that person. It does not indicate a failure on the part of those around him or her.”
Wade clung to Missy’s gaze, searching beyond her words. Perhaps seeking understanding both from her and his own heart.
Then his eyes darkened and she knew before he spoke that he didn’t believe her.
He shook his head. “It was my job to take care of her and I didn’t do it.”
Understanding came in a flash. “It’s why you won’t keep the children. You think you’ll fail them.”
He didn’t nod, didn’t say a thing, but Missy knew from the way he hunched his shoulders that she was correct.
“Oh, Wade.” She cupped her mittened hands on either side of his neck. “What a heavy burden you carry.”
He groaned ever so softly.
“You can’t control everything and everyone. Not even those you love. But you can love them. Love covers a multitude of sins.”
“I wish I could believe love is enough.” His voice was harsh. “I really do.”
She pulled his head closer and whispered
, “It’s the best we can offer, even if it’s not perfect.” She lifted her lips to his and kissed him gently, encouragingly.
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close and kissed her back.
She pressed one hand to the back of his head and held him, her heart about to burst with sorrow and love all laced together in one sweet uncertainty.
They broke apart. Unwilling to leave the shelter of his arms, she rested her cheek on his shoulder. He lowered his head to hers and they remained in the embrace.
He released a pent-up sigh. “I couldn’t bear to think I might not understand the children’s needs and fail them as awfully as I failed Tomasina.”
Missy wrapped her arms about his waist and held on tight so he couldn’t break away. “Wade, the biggest failure might be in giving them away. Have you ever considered that?”
“It could be the best thing for them.”
She was unable to tell if he thought so or if he was trying to convince himself. “You only believe that because you are afraid of the risks. Life doesn’t come with guarantees. Only with promises—God’s promises. That should be all we need.”
He nodded.
She smiled a tiny bit. If he would begin to understand that, then perhaps he would find a way to keep the children.
He caught her chin with his gloved fingertip and lifted it so they looked into each other’s eyes. At the growing confidence she saw there, she slipped off her mitten and touched her bare fingers to his cold cheek, enjoying the feel of the stubble on his face. She trailed her finger to the corner of his mouth.
He caught her hand in his and dipped his head to kiss her palm, sending sweetness throughout her being. Then he captured her lips in a gentle kiss that she wished could go on forever. He sighed and looked out at the scene before them. “I thought life would be easier than this.”
She turned as well, to look at the distant mountains. “Me, too. But God is our refuge and strength.” Guilt stirred within her. She said the words and she wanted Wade to believe them. But did she apply them to her own life? What would she do differently if she did?
