Love's Providence: A Contemporary Christian Romance

by Jennifer H. Westall

  “I don’t guess it matters. I just wonder, that’s all. Things’ll be different with you gone.”

  She could swear he had moved closer, but she hadn’t noticed him take a step. He kept his eyes on hers, like he was searching for something in them.

  “Different in a bad way?” he asked.

  “Well, of course. Who will I go fishing with? And who’ll sit by me in church and try to make me laugh? It’s hard to imagine life just moving on without you.”

  He didn’t laugh, just kept looking at her, making her skin tingle.

  “Lily, do you ever wonder about us?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you ever wonder if maybe we’re supposed to stick together?”

  She wasn’t sure about his word choice, but something in his question rung true. There was an underlying connection between them that she’d always known was there. And lately she was beginning to wonder what life might be like without him. She had to admit it felt strange, even painful.

  “I haven’t decided where to go to school yet.” He shifted his weight, looking a bit uncomfortable.

  “You still have some time to decide.”

  “I know what I want.” He looked down at the ground and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m just not sure if it’s possible yet.”

  “Are you kidding? Any college in the country would take you.”

  “That’s not what I mean.” He looked back into her eyes again, that same searching gaze hitting her in the gut. “I want us to be together.”

  Her stomach flipped over. “You mean, go to college together? But you’re a year ahead of me, and I don’t know-“

  “No, listen to me.”

  She stopped, and he stepped even closer this time. She could feel the heat coming off him, and the hair on her arm stood, like it sensed her desire to reach out for him, even before she realized it.

  “Why do you think we’ve been friends for so long?” he asked. “Isn’t it obvious that we’re meant to be together?”

  “I, uh. I don’t know. Maybe. I haven’t thought about it.”

  “Me either. Not until I started all this college stuff. And then I realized that no matter what school I went to, I wanted you to be there.”

  “Me? But we’re just friends.”

  “Come on, Lil. It’s always been more than that. And you know it.”

  She did know. But knowing it in her head and saying it out loud were two very different things. She couldn’t risk losing him, not when everything that made sense in her life was wrapped up in him.

  “What are you trying to say?” she asked. “You want something more?”

  “Don’t you?” He reached down and cupped her cheek in his hand.

  “I don’t know. I don’t want to mess up our friendship.”

  He slid his hand behind her head and touched his forehead to hers.

  “I think we already have.”

  Then he kissed her, and it was like the pieces of her heart fell into place, making their connection even stronger. And in one single moment, she knew with certainty that no matter what lay ahead, no matter where either of them went to college, they would be together for the rest of their lives.

  November 4

  Present Day

  “Lily?”

  Movement under her face startled her awake, and she sat up abruptly. She’d been dreaming. Or was it remembering? She could swear she still felt the kiss lingering on her lips and hear him whispering her name. But Jackson still lay motionless in the hospital bed beside her. Then she looked again.

  His mouth moved. And his hand had closed around hers. She scooted closer to him.

  “Jackson?” His eyes lifted open then closed. She rubbed his hand. “Jackson, please wake up.” This time his eyes opened and found her.

  “Lily?” His voice was barely a whisper. “You’re okay?”

  She nodded her head, unable to form words with the huge lump in her throat. He squeezed her hand again, sucking in a shallow breath. He tried to smile, but only the corner of his mouth twitched. Then his eyes blinked slowly. She felt an overwhelming panic surge through her, a desperate need to grab onto him and not let go.

  “Jackson, I’m so sorry. For everything.”

  “No,” he whispered again. “Me.” She leaned in closer, unable to make out everything he said. “Forgive me.”

  “You? What’s to forgive?” She pushed her tears off her face and shook her head.

  “Always, Lil.” He paused and his eyes closed. Her heart lurched, but then he opened them again. “Always loved you. Just couldn’t say it. Forgive me.”

  “No,” she said as her chest nearly ripped open. “This is all my fault. I should have listened to you. I should have tried. I was just scared. I’m so sorry.” She put her hand on his cheek and tried to look into his eyes, but they were fading.

  Then his eyes closed completely and every machine in the room suddenly went haywire. She panicked and grabbed his arm, trying to literally pull him back to her. The door flew open behind her and the nurse that had brought her to his room rushed to his side.

  “Jackson!” Lily shrieked.

  The machines continued to scream as a blur of people rushed into the room. Lily was pushed to the side as a doctor and two other nurses moved quickly around the bed. The rush of fear and nerves in her body sent her head spinning, and she could barely register the commands of the doctor. But when she saw paddles being placed on Jackson’s chest, she realized with sudden clarity exactly what was happening.

  “Oh God,” she whispered. “No. Please. Please don’t.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  November 4

  Birmingham, Alabama

  Lily sat next to Mary in the waiting room, holding onto her hand like it was a life preserver. Mary’s prayers surrounded them, drifted upward in a constant stream, and kept Lily from losing her sanity all together. She could barely form a coherent thought, much less prayers. Her heart raced, and her hands were damp with sweat. A chill swept over her, and she squeezed Mary’s hand even harder.

  Mary paused and looked over at Lily, her eyes red and swimming in tears. She looked like she had aged years in the span of a couple of hours.

  “You should go back to your room and get some rest,” Mary said.

  Lily shook her head before she finished her sentence.

  “You look pale, sweetheart,” Mary continued. “It won’t do you any good to pass out here in the lobby.” She stroked Lily’s hair then squeezed her shoulders. “I promise I’ll let you know as soon as the doctor tells me something.”

  “No.” Lily’s throat ached, and the pain in her chest was almost more than she could bear. “I can’t. I have to stay.”

  Mary didn’t press her. She just continued praying under her breath. Lily laid her head on Mary’s shoulder and wrapped an arm around her. In some small way it was like holding onto Jackson.

  She glanced up at the clock. Nearly thirty minutes since his heart had stopped. Was that bad or good? She had no idea, and as the minutes passed, the searing pain in her chest grew until she thought it would consume her.

  When a nurse finally appeared, it was all she could do to keep from running across the waiting room. A doctor followed close behind, and he raised a hand toward Mary to get her attention.

  The older gentleman looked like he’d been through the ringer himself, and it seemed like it took an hour for him to amble over to Mary. But finally he spoke with her and set them both at ease.

  “We were able to revive him.”

  Mary looked like she might collapse, and Lily nearly did. Her knees wobbled, and she pulled Mary against her, weeping like a baby in her arms.

  November 5

  Birmingham, Alabama

  Alex knew it shouldn’t have surprised him when Lily wasn’t in her room. She’d already disappeared for several hours the night before, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out where she’d gone. He walked down the hall and found her dad at the nurse’s station fi
lling out paperwork.

  “Excuse me, Mr. Brennon?”

  He turned and smiled. “Alex! I didn’t know you were still here. How’s your shoulder?”

  “Better. I’ll be stuck behind a desk for a while, but it should be fine.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “Yes, sir. I was wondering if you could tell me where Lily went.”

  Mr. Brennon frowned and glanced down the hall.

  “She went to see Mary. She should be back by now. I’m trying to get these papers filled out for her release. Would you mind checking on her and reminding her that we need to get going?”

  “Sure.”

  He made his way toward the elevators, and then he punched the button for the fourth floor. The last thing he wanted to do right now was intrude on Lily’s time with Mary. He already felt like a third wheel. He should have just waited until she’d left the hospital to see her. But then again, maybe if he saw it with his own eyes, he wouldn’t be able to kid himself any longer.

  The elevator door slid open, and he followed a sign to the ICU. He found a deserted nurse’s station, and a waiting room nearby, but no Lily or Mary. He looked both ways down the hall. Nothing. Then he walked over to a set of double doors to his left and looked though the small window.

  Lily stood about halfway down the hall looking into a window as well. Although he couldn’t see her face completely, what he did see said everything. She stared into the room with a longing he recognized in his own soul, but one he had never seen in her until now. She could say what she wanted, but her love for Jackson was clear, and it was more than he could bear to watch.

  He stepped back into the empty waiting room, his pulse racing. He needed to hit something, but there was nothing around to absorb his frustrations.

  He dropped into a chair next to the wall and hung his head. He was sick of being weak. Sick of losing people he loved. If there was a God, he was either ignoring his requests, or God just hated him.

  “Alex?”

  He glanced up, expecting Lily, but instead it was Mary looking down at him. She looked tired, but better than he’d seen her two nights ago. He stood and extended his hand.

  “Hi, Mrs. Carter. How are you doing?”

  “I’m okay. But what are you doing out here?”

  “Just waiting on Lily. I was going to tell her that her dad’s waiting on her, but she looked…well, preoccupied.”

  Mary studied him for a moment, making his insides squirm. Could she tell how much he envied her son? That some horrible part of him he couldn’t control wished Jackson had just died.

  “Do you mind if I ask you a strange question?” she asked.

  He shook his head. “Not at all.”

  “Could I pray for you?”

  Alex stared at her dumbfounded. Pray for him? Of all the things he needed right now, that wasn’t it. Talk to Lily, or ask her son to stay away from her—those were things he needed right now. Even a beer would do more for him at this point.

  “Mrs. Carter, I can’t tell you not to, but I don’t think it would do much good. Besides, Jackson needs your prayers more than I do.”

  “Everyone needs prayer. And I get the feeling you need quite a bit of it right now. Let me guess, you’re wondering if God even cares about you, or even exists for that matter.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I don’t know if Lily told you anything, but Jackson’s dad died very suddenly last year, and I really struggled to come to terms with it. I don’t think I could have ever imagined that kind of excruciating pain. And it was all God’s fault.”

  Alex met her gaze, expecting a fake smile, a nice little story about how she’d figured everything out, but her eyes held no hint of pretense. In fact, he sensed a deep ache that resonated inside his own heart.

  “For a while,” she continued, “I thought that maybe God didn’t even exist if he could let me hurt so badly. If he loved me, then he should protect me from something so horrible. I even thought maybe I deserved it, that He was punishing me for something.”

  His chest ached with her words. He wanted to grab onto her and ask if she’d ever found peace. If that peace was water, he would drink a river to be filled with it.

  “How did you…?” He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to ask. But she knew.

  “People will tell you things to try to help. Like, ‘God works in mysterious ways’ or ‘He works everything out for our good and His glory.’ None of that ever made me feel better.”

  He nodded. “I know what you mean.”

  She reached out and squeezed his elbow, and he realized that she did understand. Maybe he wasn’t alone or the only person to doubt.

  “You know, you’re supposed to be tough,” she said. “I get that. I was supposed to be tough too, for Jackson’s sake at least. But I couldn’t do it. And once I realized Jackson was struggling with the same feelings, I knew I had to get it together. But even then…even after I knew I was crumbling, I couldn’t fix it.”

  Her words were like cannons aimed directly at his walls. She could easily be talking about him and about the life he’d been leading since Evan’s death. He couldn’t keep living this way, but what else was there? Give in to the pain? Let it crush him until he couldn’t function? No, he’d managed somehow to survive, and he’d have to do it again.

  “Look, Mrs. Carter, I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t have much hope left in God.”

  “It’s okay, you know. It’s okay to doubt and ask questions. You don’t have to have it all figured out. But when you’re down at the bottom of the pit, and you feel like you can’t possibly even try to climb out, pray. Ask for wisdom, and He’ll show you all you need.”

  “So that’s all I have to do? If I pray, God will just take all of the pain away? I’m not sure I buy that.”

  “He may not take all your pain away, but He does promise peace. And He really is the only thing that will fill up the hole in your heart. Jesus says He is ‘living water.’ That whoever drinks of that water will never thirst again.”

  Alex felt a jolt inside his chest, like his heart leapt. Yet something inside of him refused to hope. She meant well, and he could appreciate that. But it was too late for him. God had already taken everything.

  “I can’t, Mrs. Carter.”

  “Not now, but you will. When it’s the right time, one day, you’ll remember this conversation. You’ll feel a sudden urge to pray or open your Bible just to see if maybe it might help. And when it does, there will be nothing else like it in the whole world.”

  As her dad climbed into his car to wait for her, Lily’s stomach turned and her heart sped up. Alex leaned against his car on his good arm, his gaze drifting around the hospital parking lot. He looked tired, beaten down. He had to know she was questioning everything. She just hoped he didn’t expect any answers right now.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  No, she wasn’t. “I guess so. You?”

  He shrugged. “Same here.”

  He stared at her like he was waiting for something then looked away when it didn’t come. She should say something, but she had no idea what it was.

  “Thank you,” she managed, “you know, for everything. You saved my life.”

  He gave her a tight smile. The little wrinkles around his eyes that had made him seem so full of laughter had deepened. Now they just framed the sad emptiness they both shared but couldn’t speak.

  He looked away again. “No need to thank me. I just did what I had to.”

  “It was more than that. I know it was hard-“

  “You think we could talk about something else?” He pushed himself away from the car and shoved his hand into his pocket.

  “Uh, sure. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  He started to speak, but then he caught the words before they escaped. He tried again, but nothing came out. Funny how she knew exactly what he meant. There
were things that needed to be said that seemed to have no words.

  “Listen, Alex. A lot has happened over the past couple of days. It might be good to take some time to work through everything. I know I could use some sleep and some down time. I’m sure you could too.”

  He nodded and pressed his lips together. He wanted to push her—she could see it all over his face. He wanted to know where he stood, and she couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t fair to hold onto him just because she was scared. But she was scared—like a kid who’d seen a monster come out of the closet.

  “That sounds like a good idea,” he finally said. “I’m heading back to Brunswick to handle some things there. But I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Handle things?”

  “With Adrian’s family. And Chloe.”

  “Chloe? What did she have to do with this?”

  “She’s the one who told Adrian about you.”

  Lily’s chest tightened at the mention of Adrian’s name. “So she was part of this too?”

  “Not really. She didn’t know Adrian would go off the deep end, at least that’s what she says. But she gave her enough information about you to get her started. Whether she meant harm or not, she’s still responsible for her part.”

  Lily felt sick. She’d known all along that Chloe didn’t like her, but to sic Adrian on her like a guard dog was unforgivable.

  “This just keeps getting worse by the minute,” Lily mumbled.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I feel like I brought all my problems into your life and almost…” His voice caught. He looked away again. “Anyway. I’m sorry.”

  She looked down at the sidewalk and watched an ant carrying a crumb twice its size. How could something that small be so strong when she was so weak? She could barely carry herself, much less anything else.

  “I should get going,” Alex said, pulling his keys out of his pocket.

  “Alright.”

  He walked over to the driver’s door and lifted the handle then looked back at her, hesitating as if he were hoping for something more. She forced her legs to move closer, and she wrapped her arms around him. It was like trying to push the wrong ends of magnets together. He held her only for a moment, and then he climbed into his car.