Love's Providence: A Contemporary Christian Romance

by Jennifer H. Westall

  She sat there panting, her lungs aching with each breath, and she looked around at the destruction. Finally, something made sense—everything on the outside looked like it felt on the inside, and something about it seemed right.

  “Um…so. Feel better now?”

  She looked up at Emily staring back down at her like she was a lunatic. Maybe she was.

  “Yeah, I think I do.”

  Emily raised an eyebrow and looked around the room. “Interesting form of therapy. I’ve been wondering when you would finally explode, but I wasn’t quite expecting this.”

  Lily pushed herself up onto her bed, her heart racing. “I think it’s time to go see Aunt Catherine.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  November 21

  Avon, Connecticut

  Lily set her suitcase down beside the bed and walked over to the window of Catherine’s guest bedroom. The valley below spread out in a beautiful patchwork of reds, yellows, and oranges, with a meandering stream that reminded her of home. The children playing in the yards were like tiny characters in a child’s dream world, and she was a giant. She wanted to reach out to play with all the little pieces, and then dip her fingers in the stream.

  “Lily?” Catherine called from downstairs. “As soon as you get settled, come on down for dinner. It’s almost ready.”

  “Okay. Be there in a minute.”

  She walked over to the adjacent bathroom to wash up, glancing longingly at the huge Jacuzzi tub. She made a mental note to ask Catherine for some bubble bath. Then she washed her hands and face and headed down the stairs to the kitchen.

  Catherine glanced up at her and smiled when she walked through the door. Although her long brown hair was graying around the edges, she looked years younger than fifty-six, and her casual business suit hugged her body perfectly. Lily hoped she looked half as good at that age.

  The aroma of lasagna and fresh-baked bread filled the room. She breathed it in, and then looked suspiciously at her aunt.

  “No offense, but I don’t remember you being much of a cook.”

  She laughed and pulled a large casserole dish out of the oven, her apron and pot holders looking deceptively domestic.

  “None taken, honey. I’m no cook, and I don’t pretend to be one. I went down to Harper’s Bakery and my friend Malinda’s restaurant and stocked up on some delicious goodies for us while you’re here. This lasagna is to die for.” She pulled a spatula out of a drawer in front of her. “Grab a couple of plates out of the cabinet over there, and let’s dig in.”

  Lily obliged and took the heaping portion Catherine set on her plate. She walked over to the table by the bay windows of the kitchen. It was amazing how Catherine’s home seemed so spacious and cozy at the same time. The kitchen was full of aromatic plants that seemed to bring a garden feel right into the room.

  “I love your house,” Lily said between bites. “It’s so quiet and peaceful out here.”

  “Yes, it’s nice.” Catherine glanced around as if she was just noticing the kitchen for the first time. “I wish I spent more time here. Seems like the office is my real home, and this is just a little getaway.”

  She continued to enjoy the lasagna—Catherine had been right about how wonderful it was. She stared out of the windows mostly, taking in the rolling mountains spotted with farmhouses. It had been years since she’d been here, and she barely remembered any of it. Something about it called to her, like she was supposed to be here. She couldn’t wait to take a walk along the path around the garden, maybe even hike the rest of the way up the mountain.

  Catherine’s fork scraping against her plate caught Lily’s attention. She was surprised the time had passed so quickly. She stood and walked her plate over to the sink where Catherine was washing hers off.

  “Can I help?”

  “Nah. I just rinse them off and leave them for the housekeeper. She’ll get everything in the morning.”

  “Seems like you’re doing really well here.”

  Catherine paused and smiled. “I’m very blessed. That’s for sure.”

  “Any regrets?”

  “So many I can’t count them all. But I don’t dwell on them. If I did it would eat me up inside.”

  “Like it’s doing to me.”

  “Exactly.”

  Catherine reached for a towel and dried her hands. “Why don’t we go into the reading room and talk for a little while?”

  She followed Catherine into a snug little room filled with bookshelves, an overstuffed sofa, and a leather recliner. A fire crackled beside them and lit the room with a soft glow. Catherine reached over and turned a dial on the wall, sending the flames a bit higher, immediately warming the room.

  “You take the recliner,” Catherine said as she handed her a chenille afghan.

  Lily sank into the leather heaven and wrapped the afghan around her shoulders. “I could definitely get used to this life. A beautiful home, cozy furniture, someone else to keep it clean.”

  Catherine chuckled as she pulled another afghan out of the closet. She walked over to the couch across from Lily and tucked her legs under her.

  “Oh, honey. Don’t even begin to envy what I have. It’s not worth the price I’ve paid for it.” She looked at Lily pointedly. “And I’m not talking about money.”

  Lily nodded. She was vaguely aware of Catherine’s past—her leaving home at seventeen, her three marriages and abrupt divorces, and a lifelong rebellion against her conservative upbringing. Lily admired her determination to chase her dreams, but she’d always sensed loneliness in Catherine.

  “Still,” Lily said, “how could you ever get stressed out living here?”

  “Trust me. I manage.” Catherine took a sip of her coffee before setting it aside. “So, what’s been going on with you lately?” She smiled, a bit too innocently.

  “Please. Don’t try to pretend like my dad hasn’t already called you a hundred times pleading with you to shrink me. I know he’s told you everything that happened.”

  “He loves you so much, you know?”

  “I know.” She looked down at her hands. They were already shaking.

  “And so do I.” Catherine watched her closely as Lily rubbed her palm with her thumb. “I know it may be hard to talk about everything, but I hope you feel at ease here. Talking is the best place to begin dealing with everything you’re going through.”

  “I know that in my head. And I do want to make an effort. I’m just not sure where to even start.”

  “Well, that’s what I’m here for.” Catherine smiled warmly, placing Lily more at ease. “Let me ask you, sweetheart. How have you been sleeping?”

  “Awful. I keep having nightmares, but I can never remember them after I wake up.” She shuddered. Nothing specific ever stuck with her, just a vague sense of bullets screeching past her and screams. Then she’d awaken in a deep sweat.

  Catherine nodded. “Mmm. What do you think about at night when you’re in bed?”

  “I try not to think about anything. I read or watch TV until I fall asleep.” Lily paused and closed her eyes. “When I lay in bed, in the dark, I can still hear the gun going off. I panic and turn the lights on to make sure no one’s there. Then I feel completely stupid for still being so scared. Emily thinks I’m nuts.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know. I hope I’m not losing my mind.” She laughed to herself a little.

  “What else do you think about, when you’re trying to sleep that is?”

  “That this is all my fault.” Tears began to threaten, but she pushed them back. “A woman is dead because of me.”

  “Why do you think it was your fault?”

  “Because. If I had just-” She sat up and leaned toward Catherine. “This may be silly to ask, but you won’t tell anyone what we talk about right?”

  “Of course not. You can tell me anything.”

  “Well, I found out a while back that Alex was still married. He was trying to get a divorce, but she was stalli
ng. And I knew when he told me. I knew I should walk away then, but I didn’t. If I had, none of this would’ve happened. She’d still be alive…And maybe Jackson would still love me.”

  “It’s easy to play the what-if game. But you can’t blame yourself for what happened. Alex’s ex-wife chose her own path. You’re not responsible for the choice she made.”

  Lily gazed into the fire and contemplated Catherine’s words. Maybe she was right. But wasn’t she at least partly responsible? She had ignored her conscience, and she had definitely made several wrong decisions. Adrian had made her own choices, but so had she, and her choices had cost her the dearest friend she’d ever known.

  Catherine cleared her throat. “Sounds like you have two exceptional men in love with you too. That has to be weighing on your mind as well.”

  “Not any more. Jackson hates me now. He could barely even look at me.”

  “Well, then there’s still hope.”

  “Hope? How do you figure that?”

  “The greater the love you feel, the more excruciating the pain when it disappoints you. He’s hurting so badly because he loves you so much.”

  “That’s not what I’d call hope.”

  “If he was indifferent, then I might agree. But if he’s heartbroken, then he still loves you. If he still loves you, then there’s hope.”

  Lily was doubtful, but she didn’t argue any further with Catherine. Maybe he did love her, but that wasn’t enough.

  “You know,” Catherine said, “I don’t think that’s what you should focus on while you’re here. Your life is a mess for a reason, and you need to get to the root of it, not worry about all the problems that have branched out from it.”

  “You’re right.”

  “You’ve been consumed with everything that’s happened, to you and Jackson, you and Alex, even you and Adrian. But I think you might be missing the big picture.”

  “Which is?”

  “Well, I’m not going to just give you all the answers. Besides, I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. You need to find the answers yourself.”

  Catherine smiled as Lily rolled her eyes and leaned back in the recliner. She knew what Catherine was trying to say, but it held no real meaning yet. Her inability to make the right decision was the root of the problem, but knowing that didn’t solve anything.

  “I’m terrified of being alone,” Lily said, ”but I can’t stand being around people either. Is that weird?”

  “Not really.”

  “I feel like my whole world has shifted somehow, and I’m on this different planet. But everyone I know is still on the old one, and I don’t know how to talk to them anymore. It’s like I’m an alien or something.”

  “I’m sure that can be lonely, and confusing.”

  Lily pulled the afghan tighter under her chin. The only person in the whole world who could possibly understand, the only person she wanted, would have nothing to do with her anymore.

  “You know,” Catherine said. “I can understand not wanting to be alone. But maybe that’s what God wants for you right now. Maybe He wants your full attention.”

  Lily could only nod. God definitely had her attention, but what was He going to do with her?

  November 23

  Avon, Connecticut

  Lily sat silently on the quilt she’d spread across the rocks jutting out of the top of the mountain, her Bible opened in her lap to the passage God had brought her to over and over again in the past two days.

  “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; According to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out my iniquities. Create in me a new heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

  She read the verses from Psalm 51 over and over, claiming the words as her own. If King David could be redeemed after adultery and murder, and still be called a man after God’s own heart, surely she could be redeemed as well.

  She closed her eyes and listened for the small voice in her thoughts that had comforted her so often growing up. She’d let so many things drown it out lately, but not anymore. No more running, no more justifying.

  November 25

  Avon, Connecticut

  The wind whipped around Lily’s face, pulling strands of hair across her cheek. Her nose was so cold it burned, but the view was too beautiful to leave just yet. The sun would peek over the neighboring mountain any minute now, and the dew glistened in anticipation. She felt the excitement as well—the joy of beginning a new day with all its possibilities. It would be a long one, but she was looking forward to taking the first steps toward a new direction in her life.

  “You ready to head back yet?” Catherine asked as she walked alongside Lily. Her scarf was wrapped tightly under her chin, and she rubbed her hands together.

  “I’m sorry,” Lily answered. “I know you’re cold. Why don’t you go on back? I’ll be along soon.”

  “I can wait a few minutes. Besides, I haven’t seen the sunrise in a long time. This was a perfect way to end your visit.”

  They stared out over the mountain, and in a few moments, a glimmer of light flashed at the top. The red horizon faded to orange, and the stars sparkling above them began to grow faint. Lily couldn’t help but smile with the hope that had swelled within her over the past few days. God had opened His arms wide and wrapped them solidly around her.

  “You seem much more at peace,” Catherine said.

  “I am. I think I spent more time reading the Bible in the past few days than I have in the entire rest of my life. It was wonderful. Like I was reading a book I had never read before.”

  Catherine grinned. “I know what you mean. It’s amazing how He makes it new over and over again.”

  “You know, I’ve been living my whole life in measurements. I was so proud of myself for being such a good girl, and when I failed, it completely crushed me. And He let me fall. He loved me so much, He let me destroy myself, so that He could put me back together. All this time I’ve been trying to do it myself, and it felt like I was drowning. I just needed a reminder that I can’t live my life in my own strength. I have to rely on God.”

  Catherine blew into her palms. “And what about your relationship with Alex? Or Jackson for that matter.”

  Lily’s heart sank, but it wasn’t the overwhelming ache she had felt before. It hadn’t been easy to accept, but God’s wisdom was perfect, and He had taken Jackson away for a reason.

  “You know, if I’m really going to trust God, then I have to believe everything He does is perfect and good, even when I don’t understand. It hurts to let go of Jackson, and I hate the thought of hurting Alex, but I have to make the right choice and have faith that God will work things out better than I ever could on my own.”

  “One of my favorite quotes is from Oswald Chambers,” Catherine said. “He says ‘To turn your head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes.’ Living out your faith is a constant battle against your own nature. It isn’t easy.”

  “Well, I know I don’t have everything figured out, but I’m heading in the right direction finally. Maybe I won’t ever be with Jackson, and I messed up what could have been a great relationship with Alex. But I know somehow that even my failures are a part of God’s plan for me.” Lily nudged a small rock with her foot and glanced over at Catherine. “And I don’t need romance to give meaning to my life. I just need the Lord, and He’ll provide for me in His own time.”

  Lily looked back at the mountain across from her, now unable to look directly at the rising sun. A cold breeze surrounded her again, but she was warm all over with a light burning inside of her. She tugged on Catherine’s elbow and tilted her head back toward the house.

  “I’m ready now.”

  They walked along the path near the gar
den, a rainbow of dried leaves carpeting it. When they reached the front porch, Catherine paused and looked over at Lily with a hint of pride.

  “You know, you’re years ahead of where I was at your age. It took me a long time to figure out that fighting God’s plan is useless—and stupid.”

  Lily shared in her laughter as they climbed the steps of the front porch.

  “Well, maybe He can give us both something new for the future. That is, if you’re up for a few changes around here.”

  “What are you cooking up now? Is this something that’s going to get me in trouble with your father?”

  Lily grinned and threw an arm over Catherine’s shoulder as they headed into the house.

  “Absolutely.”

  November 26

  Forsyth, Georgia

  As soon as Lily pulled into the parking spot next to Alex’s car, her heart sped up and sent a wave of nausea through her. She gripped the steering wheel and breathed in deeply. This might be the most difficult thing she’d ever done.

  She forced herself out of the car just as the wind rustled through the surrounding trees and sent a wave of dead leaves drifting down onto the pond at the bottom of the hill. She pulled the hood of her sweatshirt over her head and walked down the hill to where Alex waited, his hands shoved into his pockets while he rocked on his heels. Her heart seemed to thump harder with every step she took, and by the time she reached him, her head had already begun to ache.

  “Any trouble with the directions?” he asked.

  “No. I came straight to it.”

  Of course, she didn’t mention the twenty minutes she’d spent driving around wondering for the millionth time if this was the right decision. She knew what she needed to say, and that she shouldn’t drag it out, but the words seemed stuck in her throat.

  “What is this place anyway?” she asked.

  “Just a training facility for Georgia law enforcement.” He tilted his head toward a rusting Chevy turned up on its side across the pond from them. “That’s where I learned the fine art of accident reconstruction. You’d like it. Lots of math involved.”