Waiting for the Punch

by Marc Maron

  I kicked a girl named Sue in the pussy when I was a kid. She stole my tire. I was rolling a big car tire and she took it because she was one of the dyke girls in the neighborhood. I kicked her right in the crotch and she bled. I think that fucked me up with the vagina for a while. I’d never forget her. She might have just pissed, but I know there was wet in the front of her pants. That whole area became horrifying for me.

  KEVIN ALLISON

  I was the space cadet, the black sheep, the gay kid in the family.

  My brother Peter said to my mom, “He has got to sign up for football or he’s going to become a fucking fag.” Second grade, I’m eight years old and I’m taking football practice, and after like eight weeks of practice or whatever it is, the season’s about to begin and I still don’t know how football is played. I asked the coach, “Excuse me, before we have the first game, could you just lay out on a chalkboard, like, how does this game work?”

  He said, “One team is trying to get the ball to this side of the field and the other to that side of the field,” and I was like, “That’s it?”

  My father loved opera and football. And he would take my brothers to the football games and take me to the operas. So I just assumed that football was as meaningful as opera. Like, if you understood it, it was going to be like understanding Wagner.

  JIM NORTON

  I’ve always felt fucked-up. I know I am. It’s not normal, dude. It’s not normal. You know what I mean? Normal people don’t do that. To me, normal is not a judgment. Normal just says it’s the norm. It’s common. I don’t judge. For me to like piss, it is abnormal, but I don’t judge it as terrible. I don’t judge what I consider abnormal. It’s just not common.

  SACHA BARON COHEN—COMEDIAN, WRITER, PRODUCER, ACTOR

  You have anti-Semitism, you have racism, but homophobia means fear of the homosexual. Where there’s fear, that can turn into violence. People who don’t like gay people are scared of them, and that can transition into violence pretty quickly.

  There was a recent study where they showed people pictures of naked men, and they found out that the homophobes who are most likely to use violence, or use violent language against gay people, were those who had some increase in tumescence and blood flow to their groin while seeing naked men. It’s guys who are struggling with their sexuality who are going to go out and beat up gay guys.

  The thing about being straight or gay, they’re kind of silly terms, because it’s a scale. Everyone is somewhere on the scale. I’m 23 percent gay.

  Marc

  Oh, you figured that out?

  Sacha

  Yeah, I’ve worked it out. We did all the calculations. I’m 23 percent gay.

  Marc

  It’s a good number.

  Sacha

  There’s been times when I got down to 17. I got up to 31. When I was doing Borat and I had the man’s testicles on my chin, I was up to 31.

  Marc

  You’ve done that in a couple of movies.

  Sacha

  Yeah. Exactly. It’s a theme. It’s a motif.

  Everyone’s on that scale somewhere. Sexuality. It’s like being black or white. No one’s quite all black or white. Generally people are on that scale. That’s why it’s difficult for people.

  JAMES ADOMIAN—COMEDIAN, ACTOR, IMPRESSIONIST

  I have to tell people I’m gay often. At a certain point I just assume that people know. It can get tedious to have to tell everybody.

  I’m surprised that people are still surprised because I feel I’ve been shouting about it for years and then I’m always amazed at how little I’m actually heard. My reputation does not precede me.

  KUMAIL NANJIANI—COMEDIAN, ACTOR

  Sometimes it is interesting when I see my people from Pakistan who are clearly gay. I’m like, “Good for you. You probably had to fight so much to get to the point where you’re wearing a scarf.” Then it’s like, “We’re not gay yet.” I definitely had kids in high school that I was like, “This guy is gay.” Some of them I’ve looked up on Facebook. Some of them have moved here and come out. A lot of them are married with kids. They’re definitely gay.

  This is a thing I see a lot when I do shows in the middle of the country, like Ohio, or wherever. At some theater, the guy who’s clearly very gay and in his midforties but is married with kids and runs the local theater. That happens a lot.

  ANDY RICHTER—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  My parents have been divorced for many, many years, largely because of my father’s homosexuality. That was a deal breaker, apparently. They tried to overcome it, but it just got in the way, his gayness. His gayness really got in the way.

  I was four when it first happened, but it was serial drama for many, many years, and in many ways, goes on to this day. They get along as much as they get along with anybody. Honestly, at this point it’s more like a sibling relationship. My dad will still spend holidays with my mother. They’re still family in that they have children together. Even beyond that, they’re family, because my dad was my aunt’s best friend in high school, my mother’s older sister. My dad knew my mom since she was like a preteen, and then they fell in love later on. In retrospect, my aunt is the biggest fag hag in the world, and the fact that her best friend was this guy that went to a working-class high school in Springfield, Illinois, in seersucker suits and dusty bucks is hilarious.

  My mom tells me stories like when he finally came out to her, she said that she thought he was cheating on her, but she didn’t have the foggiest notion that it was with men, and she said, “Right after he said it, this whole wave of memories, of incidents, of things, that I should have seen came to me.” I said, “Like what?” She says, “One time he was coming over to my house, and he was late. I got worried, he was hours late. Then he got over and he was really, really worried, and he was very upset.” This is in Springfield, Illinois. “He was driving by the train station, and he said to me, ‘You know all those men that hang out behind the train station? I pulled my car in there, because I wanted to ask them, “Why do you do these things? Why do you do this?” I just couldn’t believe that anyone would want to do that stuff. One of them got in the car with me, and then grabbed my car keys, and said, “I’m going to run away with your car keys, and you’ll be stranded here unless you give me all the money in your wallet.” I had to give him all the money in my wallet.’” That was his story, and my mom was just so upset and so sympathetic. Of course, in retrospect, he got robbed by a guy he was hoping to have some kind of suck-off party with.

  She said, “Looking back at it, how could I have been so naive?” It’s like, “Well, you were born in 1940.”

  I always take people at their word. Anybody that I’ve ever known who’s been closeted, or anything, if they talk about girlfriends or whatever, I’ll think, “Okay.” Then later it comes out, “Oh, they’re gay.” And everyone’s like, “You idiot, didn’t you know?” I was like, “No, because he said he had girlfriends, so I just took him at his word.” I don’t judge on that level, and I don’t give a shit. If you say you’ve got girlfriends, you’re straight. I’m not going to think about you any more than that. Whatever, I don’t have time.

  JUDY GOLD

  I was fifteen when I had my first encounter with a girl. It was like, “Oh my God.” It was just natural, you know what I mean? It was very natural, it was like a natural progression. It was a complete secret, it went on for a couple of years, until we graduated high school. Sneaking here, sneaking there. My mother once caught us, and she walked in the room. I’m like, “We were just playing Ouija board, what are you talking about? We were playing Ouija board, naked.”

  Then I went to college. It’s so funny, because when you’re gay, you feel like you have to try to be straight. I don’t think kids feel like that anymore. But I thought, “I’ve got to at least try it with a guy.”

  I had a boyfriend, and he was six four, he was about 120 pounds, and he hated food. I was like, “I fucking love food.” He would eat a plain
cheese sandwich, he’s like, “I only eat because I have to.” He would drive the car without the radio on. He was a complete opposite of me.

  He looked like Mick Jagger, and he had a huge penis. It was like, everyone knew him, because he had this huge penis. It was like ten inches long. Rip you apart at the seams. I lost my virginity to him.

  I hated it. It was so unnatural to me. I didn’t hate him. He was like my brother. It was like a member of my family, just really boring, and tall.

  Before I lost my virginity, I said, “You have to take me to dinner and I don’t want to do it in the dorms.” We went to a motel. Like the ones where when the father kidnaps the kids, and then he closes the curtain, he’s in there.

  We go to this motel, and we do it. I hated even making out, the whole thing was unnatural, like, “I can’t believe I have to do this.” Then we do it. I hate it. It’s just awful.

  Marc

  When you saw a ten-inch cock, I have to assume that frightened you.

  Judy

  I had nothing to compare it to, that’s the other thing. He’s six four, and he’s really skinny. It’s all cock. It’s like cock, and then some little body attached to it.

  Marc

  The body was just a cock delivery system.

  Judy

  Right. He puts it in. Then it really kills, and then I went to the bathroom, and I was like, “That broke.” Then I went back in the bed.

  I forgot what TV show was on. It was some sitcom or something. I was like, “Good, that’s comforting.” He doesn’t hug me, but then he was like, “We can do it again.” I’m like, “No fucking way.”

  Then the next day was the Simon and Garfunkel concert in Central Park, and we went, and I couldn’t sit. It killed so much. I was leaning against a tree. Really romantic.

  That went on, and he lived in my dorm, and he had his own room. He’s like, “Why don’t you ever sleep in my room?” I’m like, “Because I’m gay. I’m gay.” I didn’t say that. Then finally, I was just like, “I can’t anymore.”

  Recently, I was doing a gig, and his wife showed up. It was in Florida. She came up to me and said, “I’m Phillip’s wife.” I’m like, “Oh my God.” All I kept thinking about is, “You! That big fucking dick is inside of you all the time!”

  And she was like, “It’s so nice to meet you.” I’m like, “He made me gay.” No, I didn’t say that. I wanted to say that.

  Marc

  “I’ve been running from his cock for thirty years.”

  Judy

  Yeah, exactly. Oh my God, it was so big.

  That was my straight experience. I never slept with another guy, it was so unnatural to me.

  DAN SAVAGE

  I lost my virginity in a three-way with a guy and a girl. I was fifteen, and they were in their twenties. Technically, it was statutory rape. I was totally down with it.

  It was a camping trip. It was my brother’s ex-girlfriend and some guy she was messing around with. They approached me, and it happened. I do not know why it is so hard to talk about it. He had sex with her, and then I had sex with her. My first was sloppy seconds. I watched him do it, and thought, “Okay, I can do that.” I had to close my eyes and pretend she was Leif Garrett or Andy Gibb or something.

  I could not touch him. I knew I was gay, and I thought, “If I touch him, he is going to realize I am gay, and he is going to stop what he is doing and kill me. He will stop what he is doing and beat me up,” because I saw him naked, and fucking.

  I was fucking her and it was taking a while, because it is hard to pretend that she is Andy Gibb with her head on backward or whatever. I was not quite getting there, and at one point, he reached between my legs and just started playing with my balls, and I was there. That really did the trick, and it is such a closet case thinking, “Oh, he can touch me because he knows he is straight. If I touch him, he will know I am gay, and kill me.” That is the sort of shit that goes on in a kid’s head when they are in the closet. You are always worried about who can tell, and how much you are giving away, and when you are going to get busted and murdered.

  I was able to perform with girls a few more times. It totally threw my family off the scent for a few years. That was the point of it, like, “Well, my mother is going to think I am straight.” Not that I would tell them, but I’d make sure the info leaked. That was the point. My brother found out. He was mad, and then he had to forgive me, like a straight older brother would.

  JAMES ADOMIAN

  I think I was about twelve when I realized that what people talk about as gay was me. That me liking men and stuff, that equaled gay and I was, “Holy shit!” But also, “Oh fuck! Now what?”

  I beat myself up a lot. I tried to change myself. Tried to date girls.

  I think we reached a nice standstill. I think all parties are happy with me leaving the girl side of things. I would go on dates with girls and fooled around a little bit. I’ve had my romances with the fairer sex.

  Marc

  You’ve touched a pussy.

  James

  I have. Man, I have. It feels weird to talk about. Have you ever touched a dick?

  Marc

  I’ve touched my own dick plenty.

  James

  No other dicks?

  Marc

  No dicks.

  James

  I’m just trying to see how far, what kind of mirror image we are of each other. I have a little more experience on the girls than you do with boys.

  For me, it was, “Maybe I’m one of those guys that maybe can figure it out and make it work and I could be one of those guys.” After a while it’s, “Why am I doing this?” It took forever.

  TODD GLASS—COMEDIAN, WRITER, PODCAST HOST

  I always hate using the term “gay,” and that’s part of why I’ve always been sympathetic to people that don’t want to be called this anymore.

  Gay. I always felt like going, “Fuck that. I’m not gay. What the fuck do I got to tell people I’m gay for? I’m not fucking gay. I’m fucking Todd Glass.”

  This didn’t happen overnight. This happened twenty-five years ago when I started not being honest to who I was.

  My friends from like seventh grade, I was meeting their wives. They say, “So what’s your life? You got a girlfriend? You got a boyfriend? You got this, you got that?” It was an open forum for me to say, “You guys have known me a while” and tell them. Instead I say, “I’m still with the same girl.” I get in the car, and I say to myself, “What the fuck am I doing?” I’m holding on to this to the bitter end. By the way, I probably still will in certain situations.

  I’m probably never going to be able to hold someone’s hand in public the rest of my life. Anybody who says, “I think Todd’s doing that to himself.” Well, fucking think harder. This happened over forty-seven fucking years for me. That doesn’t mean I haven’t made strides to be who I am.

  JAMES ADOMIAN

  Most of my stand-up act I spend talking about being gay. I make a point to do that everywhere I go for the last four years or so.

  The worst-case scenario is somebody yells “Faggot.” It’s happened twice. A guy interrupted me a minute into me talking about this. It wasn’t yelling at the top of his lungs, it was audible just so I could hear it from his table. “This guy is some kind of faggot,” like that. Luckily he was fat so I had something to give back to him. “You’re born gay, but you have to work really hard to get as fat as you are.” It was a conservative crowd, so I think they were on his side.

  I had a guy in North Carolina who wanted to fight me after the show, for “doing faggot shit” onstage. Luckily they didn’t let him back into the club, wisely. It happens, not often, it happens, but most people are really nice people. For the most part, I practice being able to talk about controversial things in an audience that does not automatically accept it. A suburban or conservative audience.

  Basically I develop a rapport with people and I try to find out what we agree on, and hopefully by the time I’m coming
out onstage in a given set, they already like me.

  I played football, so I talk about being a closeted gay football player as a kid. They get an idea of where I’m coming from. It’s not like I’m an alien to them.

  I have a unique ability to accomplish something that not everybody can do because certain kinds of people will listen. I can make them listen to me, I can make them like me, and I have the attention of people who may not normally give any attention to a gay person. I feel in some ways I’m an ambassador into hostile territory. I could have been in the closet, I could have gone a different direction and it probably has not helped my career on paper, but I think it’s worth it because we’re at a point where there’s a lot of homophobia that’s not really on any sturdy ground. That’s in the process of crumbling down.

  CAMERON ESPOSITO—COMEDIAN, ACTOR

  I dated men for a really long time. I dated the captain of the football team in high school. We were the class couple. I just thought nobody really cared about sex. I was a big athlete, and I was the mascot of the football team and I was on the student government. I was, like, super involved and really committed to school.

  I was on top of shit! But I was a mess. I had no idea. I was in love with my best friend. I didn’t know. I just thought that’s how women felt. I think women also have that kind of more expansive view of the way they can be friends with each other. If dudes are really close, when you’re a little kid, somebody’s going to come up to you and they’re going to call you a name. They’re going to call you what they think you are, and maybe you’ll start to wonder if that’s what you are, but for women, that happens a lot less. I think you can just be a jock and you can just have really close friendships. You can have sleepovers, you can hug each other, and none of it means anything unless it does. I just thought that’s how everybody felt.