Waiting for the Punch

by Marc Maron

  Once I’m able to let go of that identity and say, “That’s not me, and I don’t get off on that,” then the party can begin. It’s very tricky because, like I said, that tail grows back, and sometimes it will creep in through someone else. “Now playing the role of Ru’s father is This Guy!” Once you hit that Google Earth button and get some perspective and say, “Ah, there it is. That’s it right there.” First, I’m not that little boy on the porch, and second, I was never that little boy on the porch. What rocks my boat now? If I wasn’t that, then what am I? Well, I love to laugh. I love to dance. I love to look at people and go and do things, and that’s where the real party begins.

  RELATIONSHIPS

  “‘Do I Like You?’”

  There are a lot of different types of relationships. I’ve ruined all kinds. I’ve ruined marriages, friendships, relationships with siblings and parents, pets, business partners, plants, etc. Relationships with pets are the easiest to repair. It usually just takes a few hours and a fun snack and you’re back on track. It’s harder with humans, but sometimes snacks still work.

  I think the element at the core of my problems with relationships is my neediness. It took me a long time to realize I was expecting way too much out of almost every relationship I’ve ever had with anybody and my pets. My parents didn’t quite deliver, so I’ve kind of wandered through life looking for people to take care of me but resenting them for trying to do it. That’s a lot to put on a person or a cat. It takes a lot of snacks.

  With friendships I always seem to need one good one to lean on. I was never a “hang out with the guys” kind of guy. I just need one good friend who I could rely on for everything. That’s a lot of pressure for a person, babysitting me and dealing with my nonstop chaos and problems, self-generated usually. Fortunately I have a little better relationship with myself now and I can ease up on others in my life. Some days I don’t think I need anybody ever again. I’m fortunate that I have the podcast. It’s easier for me to be open and real there because I know the person I’m talking to will leave in an hour or so. No pressure. I can get deep, reveal myself, trust the situation, and feel connected. It’s when people are in my life that it becomes difficult.

  Other people probably feel this way too, because so many people are totally forthcoming with me about their relationships. I’ve had married couples, like Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Vos, tell me secrets about the other. I’ve had longtime friends, like Cheech and Chong, tell me why they had a falling-out. People tell me why they got divorced. Others tell me why they’re still married to their high school sweethearts.

  I’m not great at relationships with women, but I’ve been in many, so at the very least I have experience, up to a point. That doesn’t mean I’m much better at it, but I know how to handle it. The first time I was married I was with her about nine years, married for three and a half. I didn’t really want to be married, but I thought it would be a good thing for me. I thought it would straighten me out. It didn’t. I left her for a woman that did straighten me out, but I drained her. I was with her for about eight years, married for three and a half. The first wife wanted to have kids but I couldn’t handle it. The second one said this: “You think I want to bring kids into this?” So, no. I’ve had many semi-long-term relationships since the marriages and I almost got married again, which really would have been a bad idea.

  I keep trying. I don’t need to be married again. I don’t need kids. I don’t need to live with anyone. At this point in my life I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. That’s a tough dating profile. I’m with someone now who has her own life and identity and does something completely different from what I do and owns her own house. It’s perfect. It’s working out.

  Ultimately the common problem with all of my relationships was me. I was pathologically selfish. Over the last decade I have been humbled into allowing myself to be empathetic and understanding. I now know that others aren’t there solely to make me feel better or put up with my shit. It only took me until I was in my late forties to realize this.

  The longest relationship I’ve had in my life is with my two cats, Monkey and LaFonda. We’re all enjoying getting old together and I know when they are sick of me and what to do about it. Snacks.

  ANDY RICHTER—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  Being married, the thing is, a fart at night, you are aware of it. There have been times where I have been lying in bed and had to get up and go into the bathroom to fart, just out of kindness for my wife, because I don’t want to wake her up with the foul stench of my rotting innards.

  PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

  Having grown up the way I did without a dad, moving around a lot, my mom sometimes gone because of the nature of her work, it was very important to me to be a good dad. Part of, I think, the attraction to Michelle originally, in addition to her being really good-looking and smart and tough and funny, was she had this opposite experience growing up. It was really Leave It to Beaver: Dad, mom, brother. Lived in the same place for her entire childhood. Family everywhere, and so she helped ground me in a way that allowed my kids to have this base for themselves that I never had.

  Conversely, I think Michelle would be the first to admit that part of her attraction to me was that her living in the same place all her life in this very traditional sense sometimes made her less adventurous and less open to doing new things. She has seen me as a way to instill in our kids this willingness to take a flyer on something, try it out, do something new.

  When we first started dating I’d always give myself kind of a fifteen-minute leeway in terms of showing up and getting to stuff. I used to say, “You know, why are you stressing me about being late? I’m just fifteen minutes late, ten minutes late, what’s the big deal?”

  Then, I don’t remember how long we were in the relationship when she described how her dad had to wake up an hour earlier than everybody else because he had multiple sclerosis. Just to put on his shirt and button his own shirt was a big task. If the family wanted to go see Michelle’s brother play basketball, this was before the ADA—the Americans with Disabilities Act—they’d have to get there early so that her dad on crutches could hobble his way up the stairs to their seats. That mentality of not wanting to stand out and not wanting to miss something, it was a very emotional thing. It wasn’t just about being late.

  ROB REINER—DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, WRITER, ACTOR

  I’m the empty nest now, so my wife is stuck with me. We’re married now twenty-seven years. You have all these distractions. The kids, the things to think about, and then all of a sudden, “Oh, it’s you? Do I like you?” But what we’re discovering is that we do like each other, we really do. We like to hang with each other.

  ALI WONG—COMEDIAN, WRITER

  I met my husband at a wedding. He went to Sidwell, which is where the Obamas go to school. A private school in D.C. I went to the Sidwell of San Francisco. We went to school with all Jewish people. We went to this wedding in Napa where I went to high school with the bride and he went to high school with the husband.

  We were the only Asian people at the wedding and everybody else was Jewish. I saw him and I was like, “We were probably raised in the same economic bracket. He’s hot. I’m going to make this happen.” And I did. He turned out to be a lot more interesting and weird and fun than I had expected. It keeps going that way.

  JUDY GREER—ACTOR, WRITER

  I’m into being married, I’ve got to say. I don’t think I would like it if I didn’t like my husband so much. I can see how marrying the wrong person would make you want to kill yourself or make your life miserable. I totally married the exact perfect person. I would recommend marrying Dean Johnsen. I can’t say I would recommend anyone else.

  We have two different houses. We do spend the night together somewhere but we don’t—

  Marc

  At a third location?

  Judy

  Ha-ha, yeah. We have a conjugal visit trailer between the two houses. I’m kidding. I�
��m kidding about the trailer. I have a house that I had when I met him and then he has a house that he had when he met me. We didn’t change that setup.

  Marc

  This seems unorthodox but interesting. That seems like almost a perfect situation.

  Judy

  Yeah. It works out pretty well. Once we got married, I was like, I’m going to try to spend every night with him because we’re married, but every once in a blue moon, we won’t spend the night together.

  I really feel like this is going to solve the seven-year-itch problem because when the seven-year-itch happens, if that’s really a thing, we will be moving in together for the first time because his son will then go away to college.

  Marc

  Do you think it’s going to come to a point where you’re like, “I don’t need this house anymore”?

  Judy

  No. I really like my little house. I’m an only child. I like having my space. It’s working. I have a lot of crap in my car all the time, but it’s working. I remember my first few years having boyfriends and I’d have a bag in my car all the time, full of stuff. Then it’s like, “Yay, I own a house and I’m getting married. I’m not going to.…” Now I’m back to the bag in my car.

  SCOTT IAN—MUSICIAN

  I met Pearl in 2000. She is absolutely a transcendent type of person and I saw that in 2000 when she was in a blue latex rubber cop dress, singing backup for Mötley Crüe, who Anthrax was opening for. It was like love at first sight, but I have no game, nothing, I don’t know how to pick up chicks.

  We became drinking buddies because it was a sober tour at the time for Mötley. Pearl and the other backup singer Marty, this other girl, they were hanging out with Anthrax on the Anthrax bus. As a band, we hit it pretty hard every night. They started hanging out with us, so we were drinking buddies for a month. Then Mötley’s management calls and says we need to take a cut in our pay on the tour because tickets weren’t selling so well, blah blah blah. We can’t, we’re just scraping by as it is on this. So they say, “We can’t keep paying you, you’ll just have to go home.”

  Bummer. I had nothing against the dudes in the band. I get it, it’s business. I was bummed because I wasn’t going to see Pearl for six more weeks until she got home to Los Angeles.

  I was losing my mind, so I would go to this bar, Daddy’s, every night on Vine, where my neighbor worked. I would get a ride with him and I would start drinking at five and then drink until the bartenders were done drinking at like four.

  Then I would walk home, I lived right by Canter’s Deli at the time. I would walk back home four miles because I think if I didn’t walk, I would literally die, I would be so drunk.

  But I had this light named Pearl. I had this focus and I knew she was coming home at the beginning of September. She gets home from tour and I call her, “Hey, there’s these bands playing at the Troubadour tonight. Do you want to go?” She was like, “Sure.” I had written her a letter. Wrote her a letter and FedEx’d it to her on tour, and I told her how I felt about her. This was a really heartfelt four-page letter. She never answered that. We would talk all the time, but she never brought it up. Like, “I’m in love with you.” We would still talk, but she never brought up the letter and I didn’t have the balls to ask her about the letter. I just figured we’re friends, that’s it. I’m crushed but we’ll be friends. At least I can be friends with this rad lady.

  We went out that night to the Troubadour. I brought my friend Kenny because I was nervous. We just fell right back into the same thing. We ordered some drinks and hung out and watched some bands, hung out that night and then wound up saying, “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Do you want to hang out?”

  That was September 9, 2000; we’ve been together ever since.

  Eventually, I asked, “What about the letter?”

  She told me, “It was so amazing, every time I would try to respond or write a letter back, I would just tear it up. I was so blown away by your letter.” Of course then me, the idiot, was waiting around to make a move on her. She felt the same way about me.

  Obviously everything worked out because it’s sixteen years later. I finally met the woman I was supposed to meet.

  JIM GAFFIGAN—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  Jeannie and I write together.

  Marc

  Are there moments where Jeannie says, “Jim, Jim, you’re eating yogurt like a monkey. You should talk about that,” or do you not have those moments?

  Jim

  I would never eat yogurt, but …

  JEANNIE GAFFIGAN—WRITER, PRODUCER, ACTOR

  Well yeah, there are moments where I’ll introduce a topic, but a lot of it is just going over topics and just beating the hell out of them. Just having two people’s minds dissect that one thing.

  Marc

  Here’s how that would have gone when I was married: She would say something. I’d say, “What, you don’t think it’s good?” She would say, “No, I’m not saying that.” I’d say, “But why would you rewrite it like that?” She’d say, “I just think it would be funnier.” I’m like, “Why don’t I just not fucking do the joke then?”

  Jim

  Right.

  Marc

  Never got very far with that.

  Jeannie

  Well, there’s conversations like that too.

  Marc

  Oh, good.

  Jim

  It’s like any creative process.

  Jeannie

  I’ll beg him to do something. He’ll say, “That, no.”

  Jim

  That’s not going to work.

  Jeannie

  But it didn’t work one time! I’m like, “One audience?!? You’re going to waste that on one audience!”

  BONNIE MCFARLANE—COMEDIAN, WRITER, DIRECTOR

  Porn stars always say how they have the best job. I feel like they always say that because people were, like, “You’re not going to go into porn, are you?” People tell you don’t do it, then they realize, “Ugh, now I’ve got to just keep this up for the rest of my life.” They say, “No, I made the right decision.”

  That’s how it is with me marrying Rich Vos. It’s too late to say I made a mistake.

  Marc

  No other comics ever thought that you marrying Rich was anything but a nice gesture on your part.

  Bonnie

  Since we’ve been married, I’ve never been allowed to have my own soda when we’re out for dinner. He wants to bring soda into restaurants all the time.

  Marc

  That doesn’t make it good for Jews when he does things like that.

  Bonnie

  No, I know. Then he says I’m anti-Semitic because I’m constantly like, “Stop doing that!”

  Marc

  Does he bring popcorn to the movies?

  Bonnie

  Yes.

  Marc

  Oh, no.

  Bonnie

  If they ever start a policy where they open up people’s purses, oh, God, it will be so embarrassing.

  The first time I ever went to a movie with him, he smoked in the movie theater because he still smoked back then. He’d just take two drags and then somebody would come in and look around and not see it.

  Marc

  Oh my God. What a pain in the ass.

  Bonnie

  And I said, “I’m in love.”

  When I really fell in love with him was the one time when we were first going out. We were having sushi and he said to me that he was a genius. He was, like, really talking about himself as a genius.

  Marc

  Wait, is this Rich Vos?

  Bonnie

  Yes.

  Marc

  Okay, go ahead. I just want to make sure I know who you’re talking about.

  Bonnie

  I never heard anyone talk about themselves like that before.

  RICH VOS—COMEDIAN

  Bonnie McFarlane, that’s my wife.
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  Marc

  Jesus, what the hell? Why the fuck did she marry you?

  Rich

  Because, first of all, I’m a genius. That’s one. I mean that goes without saying.

  I don’t know. It’s so weird. When we started dating, the first time I met her I was at the Comedy Cellar. She came downstairs. I knew she dated Mark Cohen. I was working with Cohen and he’s miserable. He’s fucking miserable. I go, “What’s the…”

  “Me and my girlfriend just broke up.”

  I knew nothing about him. “We just broke up.” He’s heartbroken. I go, “Look, I’ve been through divorce. It’s not a big deal. You’ll get through it, you’ll get through it.” But he’s going through that right then.

  Years later I’m at the Comedy Cellar ready to go onstage and Bonnie walks down the stairs. She says, “Oh, you’re that guy on Last Comic Standing.” That was the first thing. I’m looking at her, I’m thinking, “Oh you’re the comic that’s gone out with other comics.” But she looks hot. She watched my set. I didn’t bomb, but it wasn’t a good set. She even left in the middle of it. Because I was too nervous. I wanted to impress her. I was on a date too with a hairdresser from The View, who was very attractive. Bonnie came down the stairs and the first thing I said to her was, “Oh yeah, I know you. I’d hit on you but I’m on a date.” That’s the first thing I ever said to her. So already she thinks I’m a creep.

  I called the club the next day. I asked the manager, “Estee, can you give me that girl’s phone number?”