Waiting for the Punch

by Marc Maron

  I always wanted to be a comedian. I always knew what I wanted, and I was afraid, and I didn’t think that it was normal or possible. Having him, I was like, he’s not going to be a typical, normal kid, and I have to defend that, so I should be able to defend what I’m about.

  Also, it was like, “I’m going to need to make money. I don’t want to put him in a home, and I know I’m not going to be alive forever, and he may need care forever. I have to do something. I either have to go back to college and figure out something that I like, or I need to really do this thing that I feel that I have a calling for.” Which even looking back now, even knowing that it’s kind of working out, still sounds stupid.

  JON GLAZER—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  We adopted a little girl. It’s a lot of money. We hired an adoption lawyer instead of an agency, which actually proved to be very helpful with how our adoption went, but yeah it’s expensive. Having a baby is expensive. The hospital stuff.

  I was slightly concerned about the age difference with my son, but not overly so. It’s awesome. It’s just watching him with her, it’s unreal. He wanted a sibling for very long and was always asking about a sibling and talking about it. It was a really bizarro thing to sit down with him and talk to him about it because it all happened very quickly.

  I was like, “So mommies and daddies make a baby and they put it in and then rub it and stimulate it so stuff comes out.” I still had to explain that to say that we didn’t do that. Someone else did and we are buying that baby. “That’s why you’re going to have less toys because we don’t have the money for those anymore. Because we had to buy this baby.” He just had a look on his face like, “All right, I understand.”

  We tried to get pregnant a second time. It didn’t happen. Even before we had our son, we had talked about how we were both open to adoption as an option. When we were trying again and it wasn’t happening, we decided to turn to adoption and we did it. Spent a large portion of last year in the process and then it all came together very quickly.

  My wife met the mom, I did not, but it was very brief. The process I really have to say was not enjoyable for me at least. Part of it was you go through the clearance of background checks, security checks, FBI, fingerprints, all that stuff, and then you have to wait to get approved. Then there’s home visits and all this stuff, social workers and all that. Once you’re cleared, then you put your information out there.

  The people putting their kids up for adoption, I can’t even imagine how hard that is. For some people, maybe it’s not, but you read the stories or you see these profiles of people who want to adopt and some of them are just weird. Some seem like weirdo people with religious stuff, like, we knew it was God’s plan, that kind of thing. At the same time, you don’t want to judge because people have just tough stories about trying to have kids. It’s just like online dating. You’re just putting yourself out there and hoping it happens. It can take so long, but it just made me uncomfortable to just be that open and have photos. This lady that was helping us with our profile. She’s a Web person. She just kept changing the text and just trying to tell us, “Look, you’ve got to sell yourselves. You’ve got to sell this.”

  We’d write things like Jon is a blankety-blank and this and that and it would come back and it was all written from my wife’s perspective because it’s the mom connecting with the mom. There was one thing that this woman helping us wrote: “Fatherhood is the number one priority in Jon’s life.” I’m like, “Fucking no way. This is not who we are. This is not me.” Yes, it’s important, but to write that. It just was gross and she kept writing it really dramatic and flowery and just disgusting to me. It was gross and false. We kept telling her to stop doing that, please, and finally got it to where we were okay with it.

  It came out of nowhere. It happened really quick. It was crazy timing. I was always worried it was going to happen in the middle of filming and we were going to miss it, and that would be it. Because it could take years, you hear these horror stories. But it happened the day after we wrapped. My mom just happened to be in town. We could take.…

  My son Nate, we could take him out of school. And just have him …

  Just have him be a part of the experience.…

  I want to be able to tell the story. I’m not ashamed to cry. I just want to get through the story.

  It was just great that he could be there for that moment. Because even telling him the day before, just trying to explain to your child, “Hey, we’re going to pick up a baby tomorrow.” It’s so bizarre.

  We got to the hospital. She was days old. Not even a week old. There was a lot of scrambling. But because it was our second kid, it wasn’t so overwhelming. And—this is emotional too—your friends just come through for you. It’s incredible.

  ELIZABETH BANKS—ACTOR, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER

  Both my kids were born via gestational surrogates. They’re both mine and my husband’s. They’re biologically and genetically 100 percent me.

  It’s not the way I would have done it. It was literally the only chance for me to have kids that were mine.

  Marc

  They take your egg and they take his sperm and they fertilize it outside. Then they put it in another person.

  Elizabeth

  Correct. Then they grow it in another person. They bake it.

  Marc

  Did you use the same oven for both?

  Elizabeth

  I did use the same oven, yeah. Yeah it was amazing. The most amazing woman. They are—I say “they” because she has a husband who’s amazing and they’re an incredible couple that did this for us. They have their own kids. They have three kids.

  Marc

  How do you decide on a surrogate? What needs to be in place in order for them to be able to do that other than the desire?

  Elizabeth

  The main question you have when you go into it: “Is she going to let me make every decision as if it’s mine and as if it’s my body?” That’s what you’re really concerned about. No one is concerned that they’re not going to give you the baby at the end. Your biggest concern is that they’re going to force a baby on you that you don’t want. That’s your biggest concern, in surrogacy. Meaning, the baby has spina bifida and is going to be born severely malformed, is 100 percent going to die. If you don’t believe in that, if you don’t believe in giving life to something that’s going to die minutes later, don’t get involved with surrogacy. You need someone that you trust is going to honor your wishes about what’s going on.

  Marc

  You’re saying that if you wanted to terminate the pregnancy for whatever reason, they would have to agree to do that.

  Elizabeth

  Correct, because you cannot force somebody to do that.

  We got two beautiful babies, thank goodness.

  Marc

  Does your relationship with this couple and family still exist after?

  Elizabeth

  Yeah. I’m writing them their Christmas cards right now.

  It’s amazing. The fact that we were able to have our own children, despite the fact that my womb basically doesn’t work, is amazing to me. It’s amazing. It was a super bummer getting there. It’s not a fun path to take.

  You essentially mourn the loss of your fertility. Your superiority over men is that you can carry babies. Like ha-ha, suckers, you get higher incomes but you don’t get to have babies.

  Suddenly I had to let go of one of those. I had to let go of my womanhood in a way. Just give over to a process that I didn’t willingly go into. I went into it willingly but I didn’t go into it happily. I went into it from a darker place. In the end it’s all light and amazing and that’s what they tell you when you start. They say in the end, there will be a baby and you’ll be so happy and you’ll forget everything and you do. You forget everything.

  Adoption is a way to be a parent, but it is not a prescription for infertility. It’s not a way for me to have my own child. It was secondary to gestational su
rrogacy for us, always. We’ve been together for twenty years, and there really is something unique and special about making a little half me, half him.

  People who adopt are huge souls. I have so much respect for people that go that route. It wasn’t what we chose.

  Every once in a while you get someone who’s like, “Why didn’t you just adopt? There’s so many babies out there that need love.” I think they just want me to validate what they think.

  SARAH SILVERMAN—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  Maybe I’ll adopt someday, but I want it to be when it’s all I want. I’m crazy about kids. I love them, but I just love my life. I love being totally free and whimsical and I don’t think you could do that necessarily with kids. I figure I’ll wait until I’m really young grandma age.

  I think a lot of people have a weird feeling of guilt over not wanting kids, and it’s a silly weird social pressure that’s bizarre. I love kids so much. I love playing with them. I love spending time with them, but I’ll tell you, after a good half hour I’m ready to do my own thing. I’m waiting for that to not be the case anymore before I have a kid. That’s not a hasty thing. I think a lot of people are really hasty about it. They have kids because they’re trying to keep a man or they’re trying to fix a marriage. For all the wrong reasons or they turned thirty. There’s plenty of kids out there. Nobody needs you to have kids.

  It’s crazy because people want to have their own kids, and yet, those same people go, “Don’t buy dogs from a breeder, don’t buy dogs from a pet store, get them from the shelter.” Well, I agree with that, but get kids from a shelter.

  AMY SCHUMER—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  I can’t say right now if I’ll have kids. Maybe in five, six years I’ll want a kid and a family. Maybe I’ll want to surround myself with unconditional love or maybe that’s just because I’m starting to get afraid of dying and want somebody to carry on my genes.

  I’ve been like, “That’s not going to happen to me. I’ve never been interested in kids,” but now, if there’s a child, I’m at a party or something and somebody has a kid there, I’ll sweep it up and put it on my hip. I’m like, “Whoa. How did you get up here? What are you doing up here?”

  Then I’m always thrilled to put it down. I’m like, “Go back to your life.” I’m never like, “Can I keep it?”

  I had to watch my friend’s dog. “I love your dog. I’ll watch your dog for a week.” A day in, I had to call in the reserves.

  I’m just, like, lazy and moody and I don’t want it to be about me. I don’t want to have a kid to have it be about me.

  TERRY GROSS—RADIO HOST

  I have no children. That’s intentional.

  Growing up in Brooklyn when I was growing up, all the women I knew were basically full-time mothers or they were in the few professions that allowed women at the time—secretary, clerk, working in your husband’s office, nurse, teacher. And I just knew I wanted a different life. I wanted out, I wanted out of the neighborhood, I wanted out of that life, I didn’t want that life. I wanted interesting work, I wanted to fall in love with work and I wanted to fall in love with a person and I’m lucky I have both.

  JEN KIRKMAN—COMEDIAN, WRITER

  I do not want to care for something. I will hate them. I’m not interested. I have a whole life ahead of me. I don’t want a kid. I don’t want to love anything. It’s selfless not to have kids because you’re not adding to the pollution, you can do charity, you can help people. I don’t believe that shit that it’s selfless to have kids. It’s considered selfless because you have to give up everything. You can’t take a shower, you’re really busy. I get that part of it. But the fact that that is what is defined as selfless nowadays makes me fucking crazy.

  I didn’t like kids when I was one. Gary Coleman said that once and I was like, “Yes, Gary. I totally fucking agree. They were awful to me and I think they’re terrible.”

  I like babies. But they have too much insight. Like, they look at you and they just get something, they’re from some spiritual realm where there’s a lot of intelligence and then they get here and they look at you and it fucking freaks me out. I feel like I’m a mess and they see it.

  JANEANE GAROFALO—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  I have never wavered on not wanting to have kids. There was a point where I thought I probably should adopt to be socially responsible, because in the 1990s, I was financially well off and I thought it was probably the responsible thing to do, there are so many children in need of care. I have done the thing where you sponsor a kid from Guatemala. I do Feed the Children, and stuff like that. I have seven nieces and nephews. I know I don’t want to have children.

  I do love babies. I don’t love the idea of having a teenager. I just am not interested in it. I think it’s all about structure and things and the ways I don’t want to live. Will I regret this decision on my deathbed? That remains to be seen.

  Everybody rolls those dice. Then there’s a lot of people who do everything right, and the kid still winds up with issues. Then there’s parents who do everything wrong, and the kids are the most stable.

  When you have kids, I do believe you become more motivated. You do get a lot more done in a day, because there is someone that’s so supremely important to you, and you’re so in love with this being, that it becomes effortless in certain ways to do so much.

  Witnessing footage of women giving birth in the bathtub, doing natural things with the midwife or the doula. I can see that that is one of the most exciting, alive things they’re ever going to feel. There is nothing that probably will ever compare to that experience those women are having, with their husbands, and the other children. It’s probably a wonderful time having that baby, but cut to every other thing that comes with that. That is not probably the most wonderful time, and very few people are willing to talk about this. The realities of family living, child rearing, marriage, especially in contemporary society.

  What I’m saying is, I realize one of the best things probably that ever happens to a person is child rearing. I understand this. I understand how beautiful babies are, and I intellectually get that I have missed out on something by not giving birth in the bathtub to my baby, and I’ll never ever experience that kind of love, but at the same time, I don’t want to pick out schools and get vaccinations, and get the driver’s license and stay up all night worrying. This is a twenty-four-hour commitment of fear and anxiety, and I am not mature enough to handle that.

  I’m not proud of this. I’m ashamed of this, but I am not up to the task. Again, there are millions of other people who are not up to the task either, and I wish they would realize that. Many, many people have weddings and babies because they don’t know what else to do. Life feels kind of empty and they don’t know how else to fill it. There are millions of ways to fill an empty life. Marriage and children are not always the best way to do that, but it’s the easiest way a lot of people think.

  MOLLY SHANNON—COMEDIAN, ACTOR

  I love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom, and I really feel so fulfilled. I’m so happy. I really feel like I worked really hard in my twenties and thirties, and struggling to make it, and Saturday Night Live, and I really killed myself with work. It was just work, work, work, work, work. Now I really feel like I’ve created a family, and I feel like I’m living my dream. This is all I’ve ever wanted. My mom died when I was little, when I was four, so for me, getting to be a mom and do all the things that she was never there for, it’s very rewarding to me. It makes me feel so happy.

  ALI WONG

  There’s a lot of joy in parenting. That part is really true. She’s great, and she makes me laugh. When you become a comic that doesn’t laugh out loud as much anymore, my daughter and my husband and my friends who aren’t in comedy are the only things that make me laugh hysterically.

  She’s funny. She’s sweet and all that. People are like, “Aren’t you going to miss doing all the stuff you’re able to do?” I’m like, “Yeah, but I get to do other s
tuff now.”

  PAULA POUNDSTONE—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR

  We were riding in the car one day. I always tried to tell the kids a couple days ahead of time when I was going out of town so it wouldn’t blow them out of the water. I say, “Okay, Mom’s going on the big plane day after tomorrow.” That’s how we said it. My son was huffing and was very upset about it. I said, “Honey, you know, I have racked my brain to think of something I could do.” You know? I said, “But I don’t know how to do anything else.”

  My daughter, Allie, she was maybe seven at the time. She says, “Oh, Mom. I love it that you’re a stand-up comic.” Then she took this funny little pause and she said, “And don’t you love it?” Which was such a great moment. I mean, she’s a regular kid. She’s a kid who wants more for herself. For that moment she cared about whether or not I was happy in my work, which just blew me away. It’s not like I’d ever sat and talked with her about whether I was happy in my work. I try not to burden my children with all of my difficulties. She’s a funny kid that way. She’s a great kid.

  Trust me, soon thereafter she returned to being as selfish as any other kid can be. That’s just how they’re supposed to be. There’s nothing wrong with that.

  We were walking down the street one day. We dropped her older sister off at school. It happened to be around Christmastime. I say to her, “Why don’t we go over to the mall and you could talk to Santa Claus?” She was like, “Well, why would I want to do that?” I go, “Well, honey, because you sit in his lap and you tell him what you want for Christmas.” She walked for a little ways and she said, “Why?” I said, “Well, have you thought about what you want for Christmas?” She said, “No.” She thought about it for a little while. We walked and walked. She thought about it for a little while. She said, “I would like a Christmas bear.” That was it. I almost started to weep right there on the street. I thought, “What a wonderful child I’ve raised that she feels she has everything she needs. There’s nothing that she wants other than a Christmas bear.” It was such a beautiful moment.