More Than Ever: The Home Series, Book One

by Gretchen Tubbs

  “Are you here by yourself today, Ava?” I ask her. For some reason, I don’t want to ask where Bennett is.

  “I’m always by myself. Bennett was here a while ago, but he went to the hospital. He will be back soon. I’m coloring this for him.”

  “Where are your parents?”

  “I don’t have any. Do you?”

  I am completely shocked by her response. She’s so nonchalant about it. What the hell? I answer her question with a nod and keep coloring. I don’t want to ask her anything else. I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing and upset her. We sit in silence, and Miller joins us.

  “Who’s your friend, Goose?” Miller asks, a strange look on his face. I forgot he doesn’t know about this sweet little girl who has completely charmed me.

  I’m sure this is quite a sight to walk up to, considering last week I refused to sit within a mile of the other patients.

  “Miller, this is Ava. Ava, this is Miller.”

  “Hi, Miller. She’s Lucy, not Goose,” Ava tells him, and then looks back to me. “Is he your boyfriend? He doesn’t even know your name. I thought Bennett was your boyfriend. You can’t have two.”

  I giggle at this sweet, innocent, heartbreaking child.

  “Goose is my nickname. He calls me that because it sounds like Lucy. Lucy Goosey. He and Bennett are both my friends, Ava. Sort of like how you and I are friends.”

  “Oh,” she says, and goes back to coloring.

  That was easy. Miller plops down after pulling his chair practically on top of my recliner. He rests his feet on the footrest alongside mine, his knees bent over my legs.

  Gee, it isn’t as effective as peeing on me to mark his territory, but it gets the point across.

  Ava, Miller, and I color, talk, and read books for a while. She dozes off, and I lay back, watching her sleeping form. I enjoy spending time with her. I’ve never really been around children this age. When I worked at the gym before I started dialysis, I helped with the older girls. Talking with Ava is refreshing, yet tragic, all at the same time. It makes my chest hurt, but I can’t tell if it’s in a good way or a bad way. I want to take care of her. I want to make sure she’s loved. I want to know more about her, but I don’t know what I can ask her and what I can’t. I don’t want to upset her by bringing up things that hurt her to talk about. I’ve only met her twice and I’m totally falling in love with her.

  I’m pulled from my thoughts when a small bag of peanut M&M’s is dangled in front of my face. I look up and see a beautiful Bennett in front of me, grinning, his deep dimple on display.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” he asks, still holding onto the bag.

  “Are those for me?” I ask.

  “You gotta earn them, sweet girl.”

  Thank God I’m not hooked up to a heart monitor, or alarms would be going off. I feel my face flush, and at the same time I hear Miller mutter, ‘Jesus,’ from beside me. He gets up and walks away.

  Oops, I forgot he was there.

  “Are you gonna ask how to get these, or do you want me to just show you?”

  Oh. My. God.

  “Bennett,” I start, not knowing exactly how to finish my statement.

  He leans down, and places a chaste kiss on my lips, placing the bag of candy in my hand. He leans up and cups my face, running his thumb across my cheek. I look around to see if anyone saw that. Perky is standing at the nurses’ station, her eyes practically bugging out of her head. I’m sure everyone will know about that kiss in a matter of seconds.

  The kiss heard round the center.

  “Relax, Luce. It was just a kiss. Not nearly enough, but it will tide me over.”

  “Tide you over?”

  “Until you come over tonight. I’m picking you up after I’m done across the street.”

  I smile, and then it quickly drops off my face.

  “I can’t.”

  His face gets hard, the dimple long gone. “What did I tell you about fighting me on this? It’s not gonna work.”

  I laugh at him, getting all pissy about me saying no.

  “I’m not fighting you, Bennett. Tonight is dinner at Mom and Dad’s. It’s sacred family time. You have to be hospitalized or dead to get out of it.”

  “I’ll pick you up after, then, and you can come over.”

  “I have class early in the morning. After dinner, I’ll probably just crash.”

  He’s really persistent about this. My earlier questions were way off mark. He’s obviously as into me as I thought. It wasn’t just the wine last night.

  “Okay, but let me know when you get home,” he tells me, rubbing his hand absentmindedly up and down my arm. He gives my shoulder a squeeze and goes to Ava. His smile lights up his entire face. He would be an amazing father.

  What? Don’t even go there, I tell myself. Those are not thoughts I need to be entertaining.

  “Time to wake up, sweetheart,” he tells her in a gentle voice.

  “I don’t want to. I’m sleepy, Bennett.”

  “Come on, I’ll carry you. We need to go wait for your ride. Just let me get your stuff together.”

  My heart is melting. I can feel it all the way down in my stomach. I’m watching this beautiful scene unfold when I hear Miller come back. He seems better. He’s smiling.

  “Almost time to bust you out of here, baby. I need to get you home. We can crawl into bed take a nap before we head to dinner.”

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  Bennett and Miller stare each other down at Miller’s little announcement. Bennett finishes with Ava’s stuff, never taking his eyes from Miller. He stalks over and I’m scared. Not for me, but I don’t know what he’s about to do. Would he do anything here? This shit has got to stop.

  “Please, y’all need-“my words are cut off as Bennett grabs the back of my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. Not a ‘kiss by the river’ kiss, but not a gentle, G-rated kiss like I got earlier, either. He pulls away and looks in my eyes, his hard and angry.

  “Call me when you get home tonight.”

  He gives my neck a gentle squeeze, turns, picks up Ava and her stuff, and strolls to the front. I think I hear Perky gasping for air behind me.

  Miller and I don’t say a single word on the way home. He said that shit about us on purpose, just to get a rise from Bennett. As soon as we get home, I grab a protein bar, a bottle of water, and head right back out.

  “Where are you going?” he asks, his voice pissed, but layered with a bit of concern. He probably thinks that I’m running back to Bennett.

  Let him think it.

  “Out. I’ll be back in time for dinner.”

  I grab my keys and phone, and head to my car. I look around for Maggie’s, but it’s not here. Where the hell has she been? I haven’t seen her, and I need her. I think it’s time to get all this out in the open. Confess my sins. Let her know about me and Miller. I have no experience with relationships, and I need to talk to someone. I want her to come with me right now, but she’s gone, again.

  I make the short trip to the other side of campus and park near the lakes. I want to run, my body is screaming for it, but I can’t, so, I’ll walk. I’ll walk until I can’t walk anymore. It may take hours, but I don’t know what else to do. I pop in my earbuds and blast Metric in my ears, loud, hoping to drown out my thoughts.

  I practically crawl through the front door when I return. I don’t know how long I went at it, but I’m thinking it was too long. I overdid it. Several times, I would get lost in my thoughts and find myself running. Not good. I’m not sweating- I’m too dehydrated for that. My head is pounding, and my vision is fading in and out. I’m not sure how I made it home without wrecking my car and killing someone. I can’t even manage to get all the way in before I’m down on the floor, half of my body still on the outside of the apartment.

  I open my eyes and Miller is on the floor with me, rocking me back and forth, a glass of orange juice in his hand. His gaze is darting quickly across my face, waiting for me to come to. I’m more
coherent now, and he brings the glass to my mouth.

  “Please, baby, I need you to drink this for me.”

  He stops his rocking and helps me take small sips of the juice. I can feel it hitting my system, and I am feeling a tiny bit better. I have fainted more times than I can remember… this is nothing new for me. It used to happen all the time at the gym. It’s my body’s way of giving me a reality check. I need to slow the fuck down.

  After I finish the glass of juice, he carries me to the couch and gently sets me down, removing my jacket, shoes, and socks.

  “Can I leave you for a second?” he asks.

  I give him a shaky nod.

  He comes back quickly, his arms full. He’s got a Gatorade, a bag of pretzels, some peanut butter, and ice packs. He puts the ice packs behind my neck and on my wrists, then opens the drink. He starts dipping the pretzels in peanut butter. He’s giving me the nourishment my body needs to get better, alternating bites of food and sips of the drink. This is a familiar song and dance, one we have done many, many times over the years. Slowly, I can feel my body responding to his care. My shaking has stopped, and my headache is easing up.

  “There’s my girl. You’re not looking gray anymore. Better, baby?” he asks, giving me a sweet look.

  I nod, silently crying, and push myself into the familiar comfort of his arms. He takes me right in, holding onto me like my life depends on it. He’s asking if he needs to call the doctor, but I shake my head no. I start trembling again, but this time it’s with emotion, not from my little episode. I finally calm down enough to talk.

  “Miller, why are we fighting? I hate this. This isn’t us. We don’t do this.”

  “We’re not fighting, Goose. This is just new for us. You’ve always been mine. I’ve never had to share you. I don’t know how to act.”

  “Try not acting like an overbearing ass,” I tell him.

  He grabs my face, his look going from tender to hard in a split second.

  “I don’t know how I feel about seeing you dressing up for someone else. Someone else keeping you out all night, putting their hands on you, putting their goddamn lips on yours.”

  I start to speak, but he puts pressure on my face, shutting me up so he can keep going with his little tirade.

  “I don’t want to hear your ‘just friends’ bullshit anymore. Yes, we are friends, but when you let me in your bed and share your body with me, that line isn’t so straight. It’s really fucking blurred and I’m trying to sort shit out. You gotta give me time.”

  The front door opens, and Maggie comes strolling in. Perfect timing.

  “What’s up?” she asks, oblivious to what’s playing out on the couch.

  “Nothing,” I say, at the same time Miller says, “Your sister just had one of her episodes, but I got her all straightened out. Right, Goose?” He never takes his eyes off me.

  “Yep. I’m just peachy. I think I’ll go shower.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Miller opts out of dinner tonight, and for that, I am grateful. I think we need this time apart. He has a lot going on in his head that he needs to sort through. I don’t know what to do with what he’s told me. I feel like a shitty person. I’ve been using him, and not once thinking about what that was doing to him.

  Maggie and I ride to our parent’s house in relative silence. She’s in a quiet mood, one I can’t get a read on. We don’t question each other’s brooding moods. It’s probably for the best.

  Mom is at the stove when we walk in, preparing our meal. Smells like grilled chicken and green bean casserole. Daddy’s right behind her, alternating kissing her neck, and trying to steal bites of food. It’s perfect and sickening, all at once. They laugh when they spot us, but don’t bother pulling away from each other. They just call out greetings and continue with their juvenile displays of affection.

  “Sit down, girls, and tell us what’s going on in your young, exciting lives,” Daddy says.

  “Work and school, Daddy. Same dance, different day,” replies Maggie, using one of his favorite sayings.

  That’s all she’s got? Odd. She’s not saying a word about my date with Bennett. I decide to keep it to myself. I’m not ready to share.

  “School and dialysis for me,” I tell him.

  “That’s it? I haven’t seen y’all in days and that’s all you have to say?” Mom says, coming over from the stove to kiss us.

  “Well, I did meet someone and I’m pretty sure I’m in love,” I say.

  Mom is screaming and jumping up and down.

  “Oh my God! Thomas, did you hear that?” she screeches. Dad is wiggling his finger back and forth in his ear, clearly trying to stop the ringing.

  “Her name is Ava, and she’s the most perfect little girl I’ve ever seen,” I say, and Mom’s face falls.

  “Oh,” she says, disappointed.

  That was so wrong of me to do, but it felt so good. I proceed to tell her all about Ava. I don’t leave anything out. I tell her every single detail about what I’ve learned so far, everything I want to learn. Mom is just as heartbroken as I am over the situation. I only tell her the basics about Bennett’s involvement. I want to hold onto those beautiful particulars for myself. I’m greedy, but I don’t want to share them. Each and every single moment of their time together that I have witnessed is locked away in that box, deep in the recesses of my mind.

  “Well, Goose, I’m coming to meet this little angel Friday. I have some free time in the morning.”

  I knew that was coming. I don’t know how I feel about her being there and seeing me with Bennett. I still haven’t said anything about that entire situation. Maybe he won’t be around.

  We get home from dinner and my mood is somber. I feel drained from the day I’ve had. My body is feeling worn out. It’s just so tired. I strip out of my clothes and change into some pajama pants and a t-shirt. After washing my face, taking my medicine, and brushing me teeth, I climb into bed. I told Bennett I would call, but I don’t have the energy for that. I’ve never had a phone conversation with him before. I don’t know how it will be, and I’m not ready to have my first one with him now. I don’t want him to ask me about my day. Details may come out about earlier, about my talk with Miller. I shoot him a quick text instead.

  Lucy: Home. Going to bed

  Bennett: How was dinner?

  Lucy: Good

  Bennett: Did Miller behave?

  Is he seriously going there? These boys are nuts.

  Lucy: He didn’t go. Goodnight

  Bennett: Goodnight, sweet girl. Dream of me.

  I set my alarm and get settled in. I‘m dozing off and my door creaks open. Shit. I can’t handle this. I sit up, ready to give Miller an ass-chewing, but it’s Maggie. I can tell she’s been crying.

  “Come get in bed and tell me what’s wrong,” I tell her, moving my covers back.

  “Goose, I screwed up,” she cries, fresh tears rolling down her face.

  “Did you kill anyone?”

  “No.”

  “Commit any other felony?”

  “No.”

  “Then we can fix this,” I tell her.

  “I don’t know, Goose. Can you fix my broken heart?”

  I stare at her, a look of shock and disbelief on my face. Maggie, with a broken heart? Maggie is not one to get her heart involved in any of her escapades. She’s a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of girl. I don’t know what to do with this information.

  “Maggie, what are you talking about?”

  “I’ve been seeing someone for a while. I didn’t say anything because he had a girlfriend.”

  Well, that’s new. Maggie is a lot of things, but she’s not a home wrecker. She does have some morals. Loose ones, but morals none the less.

  “Don’t lecture me, Lucy. She’s a bitch, didn’t treat him right. He wasn’t happy. I heard about it ALL the time, every damn day. Anyway, I work with him. We went out one night after work and things got out of hand. He broke things off with her few weeks later bec
ause we kept hooking up after that first night. It felt different than anything else I’ve ever had before. I really thought he wanted more with me. But, he was holding back. It’s like I was still a dirty little secret, even though he and his girlfriend broke up. Earlier today, I went to his apartment to surprise him. Well, I’m the one who got surprised. He answered the door in a towel, his ‘ex-girlfriend’ wrapped around his waist. I’m a fucking idiot. He didn’t break up with her. He was still seeing me on the side. I was his dirty little secret.”

  I just hold my little sister while she cries. I’ve never seen her cry over a boy before.

  “Maggie, don’t sell yourself short. You’re amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have you. He’s a piece of shit. If he can’t see that, his loss.” I take a deep breath and decide it’s my turn to confess my sins. “I have something I need to tell you, too.”

  I launch into every sordid detail about Miller and me. She hears it all, from the drunken hook-ups to the scene she interrupted earlier when she came in. She’s not reacting like I thought she would. She’s totally calm about this. Her face is blank. I’ve obviously shocked her into silence.

  “Goose, do you think I’m an idiot?” she asks when I’m done. “The sexual tension between you is insane sometimes. Besides, these walls are very thin. I have heard y’all during each sleazy, raunchy little hook-up. I can’t believe you thought you were fooling anyone, especially someone who lives in the same apartment.”

  “Well, shit. Do you think Mom and Dad know?”

  “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe we can ask them next time we go to dinner. ‘Hey, did y’all know Lucy and Miller are sleeping together? They have sex whenever Miller gets drunk.’”

  She gets a smack on the arm for that, despite her broken heart.

  “Okay, smart-ass. Share time is over. Let’s get some sleep.”

  “Can I stay in here tonight?” she asks. As kids, she always wanted to sleep with me when she was sick or upset.