by Weeks, Abby
Ariel laughed. “Are you sure?”
Becky looked up at her. Ariel was relieved to see she hadn’t been crying.
“Are things moving fast with Kyle?” Ariel said.
“Sometimes. It’s nothing I can’t handle. I just thought…”
“Thought that things would be different?”
“I thought love would feel different than this,” Becky said. “I thought love would change everything.”
“And it hasn’t?”
“I like Kyle. I like him a lot. But I pretty much feel about him the same way I feel about any of my other friends. He’s just hotter.”
“I know what you mean,” Ariel said. “I’ve been intimate with men, and realized only later that I might not love them as much as I should.”
“I always thought my first time would be with someone I loved. Like, truly loved, like in a movie.”
“You mean like a Tom Cruise movie?” Ariel said.
Becky rolled her eyes. “Try Ryan Gosling,” she said.
Ariel smiled.
Becky sat up next to her mother. She put her arms around her and hugged her.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t more available,” Ariel said. “You’ve had your first time! I didn’t even know about it.”
“It was just a few days ago.”
“I should have been here for you.”
“You couldn’t have known,” Becky said. “I wouldn’t have said anything. I wanted to try it with Kyle. Now I have.”
“And what have you learned?”
“That I think I want to wait till I’m truly in love before I get intimate with a boy again.”
Ariel held Becky so tight. She couldn’t believe that Becky had gone all the way. Her little girl had become a woman and she hadn’t even realized it till it was too late. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she held her daughter.
When she left Becky’s room, Becky was going to sleep. Ariel tucked her into bed and kissed her on the forehead like she had when she was a little girl. It felt good to connect like that. Then she went back downstairs to the kitchen to clear away the dinner things. The bottle of wine was still on the table and she poured herself another glass. She needed it.
She took a sip and left her glass on the table while she cleared everything away. Then she brought the bottle into the living room and sat with it on the couch. She was going to turn on the television and see if anything was on but her phone started ringing.
She looked at the screen. It was an unknown local number. She wondered who it could be.
“Hello?”
“Ariel?”
“Yes, this is Ariel. Who’s this?”
“It’s Jake.”
“Jake?”
“Yes, you remember me don’t you?” Jake said, laughing a little.
“Of course.” Ariel felt awkward. She didn’t know what to say. She’d had a one night stand with Jake. He was a married man. She knew how those things were. She hadn’t been expecting to hear from him again.
“I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“You’re kidding.”
“For real,” Jake said.
“I thought when men had one night stands their prime objective was to get the hell away from the girl as fast as possible.”
“Not with you,” Jake said. “I honestly can’t get you out of my mind, Ariel.”
Despite everything, the guilt she felt at having slept with Zola’s husband, the weirdness she felt at knowing that Zola and Jake were into swinging, she couldn’t help allowing a small smile to spread across her face. Jake liked her. He might not be Prince Charming, he was a lying cheat just like Gabe had been, but he was sexy, he was rich, he knew what he wanted, and it appeared he wanted her. Ariel had always had a weakness for bad boys and Jake fit that bill perfectly.
“Well,” she said, coyly, “it’s nice to hear your voice too, Jake.”
X
“ZOLA,” JAKE CALLED FROM HIS OFFICE.
Zola was downstairs watching television. As soon as she heard Jake’s voice her heart started pounding a little harder in her chest. It made her feel sick that her own husband scared her. She was ashamed at how obedient she was to him, how much of a pushover she’d allowed herself to become, but the truth was she just didn’t have the strength to stand up to him, not yet at least.
“Yes, honey,” she called up the stairs.
She was already on her feet, making her way toward the kitchen so that she could obey whatever request he had waiting for her. She figured he wanted her to grab him a beer or something.
“Come upstairs?” he called.
She went up to him. He was on his computer, as always, chatting to guys on his forum. When she got to the office he stood up and started adjusting the webcam that sat on top of his monitor.
“Stand over there, will you,” he said, pointing to the area by the window.
She went and stood there, always obedient, never questioning him, never standing up for herself.
Jake turned on his desk lamp and pointed it at her. She put her hand to her forehead to shade her eyes.
“That’s bright,” she said.
Jake ignored her. He typed some more on his computer and examined the picture the camera was getting.
“Move a little to the left,” he said.
Zola took a step to her left.
“The other way,” Jake said impatiently.
She took two steps to her right.
“Okay,” he said. “Better.”
She looked at the camera. She had no idea what Jake was doing, what he was recording, who was seeing the picture that was being picked up.
“Wave,” Jake said.
In more ordinary circumstances, Zola would have felt silly standing there, waving at the camera. But she knew too much about Jake and his forum to feel silly about this. She knew this was deadly serious. Some guy, some internet friend of Jake’s, would be on the other end, looking at the picture of her, and deciding whether or not he wanted to fuck her. If she messed this up, Jake would be furious. This was his passion, this was what was important to him. If he knew that the other men on his forum were all lusting after his wife he would feel happy and confident and satisfied. If she did anything to upset the viewers, Jake would take it as a personal insult.
“Take off your shirt,” Jake said.
He didn’t make eye contact with her. He was looking at the computer screen, making sure the picture was perfect. His voice was steely and hard and unemotional. There was something wrong with him. What kind of man treated his own wife like this? He wasn’t upset, or high, or drunk. He was stone-cold sober. This was his normal state of being.
She looked from Jake to the camera and began pulling her shirt up over her head. She didn’t have a bra on underneath it. She’d been expecting to watch television in her cozy clothes, she hadn’t known she’d be putting on a strip show on the internet.
“Hold your breasts,” Jake said, his voice as firm as ever. “Squeeze them a little. That’s it. Just like that.”
She squeezed her breasts and held them to the camera like she was offering them to a baby for nursing.
“Who’s watching this?” she said.
Her question seemed to distract Jake. It was as if anything that detracted from the illusion he was trying to create, anything that reminded him that Zola was an actual person, his wife, and not just a toy to be played with, irritated him.
“Just the guys,” he said. “Now take off your pants too.”
She looked at him. She’d thought one guy was watching. Now she realized there was an entire group of men viewing the camera. This wasn’t normal. This wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t even safe. If he was telling these guys where she lived, if he was telling them that they could come by and fuck her whenever they wanted, how was she supposed to live like that? It was impossible.
She undid the string that held her cotton pajama pants up around her waist and let them fall to the ground. Then she stepped out of them. She was entirely nak
ed now.
“That’s perfect,” Jake said, staring at the screen. “Now turn around.”
She did a full turn.
“Now show them your ass.”
With her back to the camera she bent over and showed the men on the forum her perfectly formed buttocks.
“Spread the cheeks,” Jake said.
She pulled open her butt cheeks and let the viewers look at her asshole.
“That’s it, baby,” Jake said.
With her back to the camera she allowed some of the emotion she was feeling to come to the surface. Her lip quivered. She felt a knot well up in her chest. She wanted to burst into tears but Jake would be furious if she did anything like that. Anything that spoiled this illusion, this obsession of his, and he would fly right off the handle.
“Now,” Jake said, “sit on the floor, facing the camera, and spread those legs.”
He spoke to her like she was a piece of property. She held back her tears and turned around. She didn’t look at Jake. Instead, she looked at the camera. She wondered who was on the other side. Who was watching her? Was Peter among them? Was he one of the perverts jacking off to this little show?
She sat on the ground and spread her legs wide open, giving the camera a perfect view of her pink pussy. Jake had to adjust the camera to point at her on the floor.
“Give them something,” Jake said.
She wasn’t sure what he meant.
“Show them some pussy play,” Jake said, his voice cold and emotionless.
What did he think she was? A toy? A slave?
She put a finger in her mouth and then touched the lips of her vagina. She ran her finger up and down the slit of her pussy and then spread the lips open with two fingers, showing the camera the tender, pink flesh of her inner vagina.
“Good,” Jake said. “Now slide a finger in. Put it in your mouth and then slide it in.”
She sucked on her right, index finger and then slid it teasingly into her vagina, in and out, in and out.
“Come for them,” Jake said.
Zola gave him a pleading look. He was watching her now, carefully observing every detail of her performance.
“Do it,” he said firmly.
She knew she wouldn’t be able to come. She wouldn’t be able to reach orgasm in this situation. She had too much pent up emotion in her chest. She was on the verge of bursting into tears. She tried to feel sexual, she tried to feel pleasure as she ran her finger in and out of her pussy but it just wasn’t possible. She was too upset.
As she sat there, fingering herself, she felt so utterly worthless, so utterly disgraced. Jake was watching her like a hawk. The camera was recording her every movement. There was no way out, no escape. She was going to have to fake it.
She began to moan, trying to sound as convincing as possible. It seemed to work. Jake’s eyes widened. He watched her more intensely than ever. He leaned forward in his seat and she thought she could see a bulge forming in his pants.
She leaned her head back and began to thrust her pelvis forward toward her finger as she continued to slide it deep into her pussy. She moaned and thrust forward, trying to act the way she’d seen porn stars acting when they were orgasming. She slid her finger into her pussy faster and faster, as if she was really bringing herself to orgasm, and as she continued, as she moaned in fake pleasure, she noticed that she was actually beginning to get aroused. Her finger felt better and better in her pussy the more she slid it in. Her moans began to grow louder, they were real moans of pleasure! She thrust her pelvis, pounded her pussy, and began letting the palm of her hand slap against her clit as she fingered herself. She gasped. She really was coming. The orgasm pulsed through her vagina and she cried out in one last, loud moan as she climaxed.
She opened her eyes. She hadn’t realized she’d shut them. Jake was grinning at her. He was pleased. Despite everything, despite the horrible way he was treating her, despite the utter disrespect and humiliation he was heaping upon her on a daily basis, she felt proud that she’d been able to make him happy. She was glad she’d been able to please him. He was her husband after all.
She looked down at her pussy. It was soaking wet and bright pink from the stimulation. There was a thin sheen of sweat on her chest. She was panting.
“Good girl,” Jake said to her, and then he turned back to the computer and began pounding away on the keyboard, no doubt congratulating himself to his friends and listening to their praises.
XI
ZOLA WAS ALMOST ASLEEP BY the time Jake came to bed. He’d spent over an hour on the internet after Zola had left him. He’d even locked the door of his office at one point. Zola didn’t allow herself to wonder what he was doing in there with the door locked. She just couldn’t handle the stress of it. There was no way he was doing anything good. Her best guess was that he’d been watching a video of one of the other men’s wives masturbating, just as they’d all watched her. She imagined that he’d jerked off while watching.
She’d allowed herself to cry when she was in the shower but now she was holding it all in again. She didn’t want to do anything to anger Jake.
“Zola,” Jake said, softly, putting his hand on her shoulder. “Are you awake?”
“Yes,” she said.
She had her back to him and she didn’t turn around. She was afraid she might cry if she had to face him.
“Listen,” he said. “I’ve made an arrangement that I think you’re going to like.”
She felt a shiver run down her spine as he spoke. She knew only too well the kind of arrangements that he liked to make. There was no way in hell she was going to like it.
“I’ve told your friend, Ariel, about us. She’s interested in having some fun.”
At the mention of Ariel’s name, Zola almost threw up. A wave of emotion washed over her and she even thought she heard a ringing in her ear, as if she’d just been hit by a bus.
This was too much! It was one thing to make her life on the internet a sordid mess of cheating and sexual deviance. It was another thing entirely to bring her real life into it.
“What do you mean?” she said. Her voice broke as she spoke but she couldn’t help it. She kept her back to Jake and listened intently as he spoke.
“I was talking to her,” he said.
“You were talking to her? I thought you hated her.”
“I don’t hate her.”
“Where were you talking.”
Jake sighed. “A bar. I saw her in a bar the other night.”
“What bar?”
“Just a bar in Santa Monica. We met there by chance.”
“I didn’t know you were in a bar in Santa Monica this week.”
“Jesus. I was just having a beer. Anyway, I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
Zola took a deep breath. It was true. This wasn’t like a normal argument between husband and wife. There was nothing at stake for Jake here. He didn’t even pretend to be faithful to Zola, he didn’t want to admit that she deserved fidelity and faithfulness. He just told her the way things were and it was her job to accept it.
“Anyway, I ended up showing her the video I made of you and Peter,” Jake said.
Zola’s entire body froze as she absorbed the meaning of Jake’s words. This was it, this was the one thing she feared most in the world, the meeting of her real life and the fake life that Jake was creating for her online. If Ariel had seen that video, then how was she going to be able to continue her life on Beverly Row? How was she going to be able to show her face around the other women? It was all over.
She began to cry. She couldn’t help it. She knew Jake would have no sympathy for her but that didn’t stop the tears from flowing. She didn’t make a sound but her shoulders started heaving with the force of her emotion and her eyes wetted up. She was overcome with grief.
“How could you show Ariel that video?” she gasped, tears choking her voice. “You know I can’t live with everyone around here knowing about it.”
“R
elax,” Jake said. “She’s into it. She’s not going to tell anyone.”
“Of course she’s going to tell. She’s going to tell everyone. That’s what women do. They talk, Jake.”
“Who cares?” Jake said, brushing aside her fears as if they meant nothing at all to him. “She’s into it and if you want to save what little face you’ve got left, you’d better pretend you’re into it too.”
“What?” Zola said. “What are you even talking about Jake?”
“Look,” Jake said, “I don’t want to be an asshole about this, but you’ve got to be realistic. You’ve got nothing here, nothing to bargain with. You live under my roof. You spend my money. Unless you want to be left with nothing, you better smarten up.”
Zola couldn’t contain the sobs. She couldn’t contain her emotions. She felt devastated. He’d shown Ariel the video, now he was threatening her home, her security. How could she stand up against this? She felt as if her entire personality, her entire identity, was being washed away by the ocean.
She turned around and looked at him. She sniffed, stopped crying, wiped her eyes.
“Who was watching on the camera tonight?” she said as calmly as she could.
“Just the guys on the forum.”
“Was Peter?”
“Of course. He’s your biggest fan.”
“It’s private right? The recording.”
“Of course it’s private. Jesus. It’s for forum members only.”
She looked at his face, so handsome, she looked into his eyes, and she tried to understand what was going on in his mind. What was he thinking? What did he want? Did he love her? Was this how he expressed love? Was any of this alright? Was she able to live with it? She was trying to convince herself that there was something here, some humanity, some sort of relationship that she and Jake shared that had something human about it.
“What did you say to Ariel?” she said.
“I just said that we were into swinging.”
“Both of us?”
“Of course,” Jake said. “We are, right? I mean, I’m not the only one who’s into this. You’re willing too, right. No one’s forcing you into any of this.”
She thought about that. He had just threatened to take away her home, her financial security, everything that she relied on. She knew he was lying, that he was forcing her to do these things. She knew he knew he was forcing her, but something inside her wanted to make peace with him. She wanted to play along. She wanted to pretend that they were in this together. It was the only way she could find the strength to carry on.
