The Best of Joe Haldeman

by Joe W. Haldeman

  By pure coincidence, Gay and I went down to Key West, to do some astronomy and partying, the same week that the International Hemingway Society was meeting there. They were having a banquet in a nice hotel over the water, so we bought tickets and sat at a random table.

  The other people who sat down there included Michael Reynolds, Jackson Bryer, Jim Nagel, and Scott Donaldson—all big-league Hemingway scholars. That I had read their books was not surprising, but that I had done it just as a reader (rather than an academic) and that I was a professional fiction writer, made me someone special. So after the banquet we hit the bars, which is what one does in Key West, and by the end of the weekend we were good friends, fated to meet again, year after year, as the conference moved from Paris to Pamplona to Petoskey and beyond.

  One fascinating aspect of Hemingway’s life is the “lost manuscripts,” which his first wife famously left in a train station.

  One of my students gave me a ride to the airport when I was headed for Australia, and while we were waiting in the bar I told him the story of the lost manuscripts, and how much they would be worth if somebody found them—and, since writers’ minds work that way, how much money you could make if you successfully counterfeited them. He’s probably the easiest writer in the American idiom to pastiche.

  On the way back from the men’s room, I had a flash of inspiration. You wouldn’t have to risk all that inconvenient jail time if, instead of writing fake Hemingway stories yourself, you wrote a story about someone else doing it! The next day, I was sitting in a screened-in porch on an island in the Great Barrier Reef, using my typewriter to carry me back to the similar muggy heat in Key West.

  THE HEMINGWAY HOAX

  1. the torrents of spring

  O

  ur story begins in a run-down bar in Key West, not so many years from now. The bar is not the one Hemingway drank at, nor yet the one that claims to be the one he drank at, because they are both too expensive and full of tourists. This bar, in a more interesting part of town, is a Cuban place. It is neither clean nor well-lighted, but has cold beer and good strong Cuban coffee. Its cheap prices and rascally charm are what bring together the scholar and the rogue.

  Their first meeting would be of little significance to either at the time, though the scholar, John Baird, would never forget it. John Baird was not capable of forgetting anything.

  Key West is lousy with writers, mostly poor writers, in one sense of that word or the other. Poor people did not interest our rogue, Sylvester Castlemaine, so at first he didn’t take any special note of the man sitting in the corner scribbling on a yellow pad. Just another would-be writer, come down to see whether some of Papa’s magic would rub off. Not worth the energy of a con.

  But Castle’s professional powers of observation caught at a detail or two and focused his attention. The man was wearing jeans and a faded flannel shirt, but his shoes were expensive Italian loafers. His beard had been trimmed by a barber. He was drinking Heineken. The pen he was scribbling with was a fat Mont Blanc Diplomat, two hundred bucks on the hoof, discounted. Castle got his cup of coffee and sat at a table two away from the writer.

  He waited until the man paused, set the pen down, took a drink. “Writing a story?” Castle said.

  The man blinked at him. “No ... just an article.” He put the cap on the pen with a crisp snap. “An article about stories. I’m a college professor.”

  “Publish or perish,” Castle said.

  The man relaxed a bit. “Too true.” He riffled through the yellow pad. “This won’t help much. It’s not going anywhere.”

  “Tell you what ... bet you a beer it’s Hemingway or Tennessee Williams.”

  “Too easy.” He signaled the bartender. “Dos cervezas. Hemingway, the early stories. You know his work?”

  “Just a little. We had to read him in school—The Old Man and the Fish? And then I read a couple after I got down here.” He moved over to the man’s table. “Name’s Castle.”

  “John Baird.” Open, honest expression; not too promising. You can’t con somebody unless he thinks he’s conning you. “Teach up at Boston.”

  “I’m mostly fishing. Shrimp nowadays.” Of course Castle didn’t normally fish, not for things in the sea, but the shrimp part was true. He’d been reduced to heading shrimp on the Catalina for five dollars a bucket. “So what about these early stories?”

  The bartender set down the two beers and gave Castle a weary look.

  “Well ... they don’t exist.” John Baird carefully poured the beer down the side of his glass. “They were stolen. Never published.”

  “So what can you write about them?”

  “Indeed. That’s what I’ve been asking myself.” He took a sip of the beer and settled back. “Seventy-four years ago they were stolen. December 1922. That’s really what got me working on them; thought I would do a paper, a monograph, for the seventy-fifth anniversary of the occasion.”

  It sounded less and less promising, but this was the first imported beer Castle had had in months. He slowly savored the bite of it.

  “He and his first wife, Hadley, were living in Paris. You know about Hemingway’s early life?”

  “Huh uh. Paris?”

  “He grew up in Oak Park, Illinois. That was kind of a prissy, self-satisfied suburb of Chicago.”

  “Yeah, I been there.”

  “He didn’t like it. In his teens he sort of ran away from home, went down to Kansas City to work on a newspaper.

  “World War I started, and like a lot of kids, Hemingway couldn’t get into the army because of bad eyesight, so he joined the Red Cross and went off to drive ambulances in Italy. Take cigarettes and chocolate to the troops.

  “That almost killed him. He was just doing his cigarettes-and-chocolate routine and an artillery round came in, killed the guy next to him, tore up another, riddled Hemingway with shrapnel. He claims then that he picked up the wounded guy and carried him back to the trench, in spite of being hit in the knee by a machine gun bullet.”

  “What do you mean, ‘claims’?”

  “You’re too young to have been in Vietnam.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good for you. I was hit in the knee by a machine gun bullet myself, and went down on my ass and didn’t get up for five weeks. He didn’t carry anybody one step.”

  “That’s interesting.”

  “Well, he was always rewriting his life. We all do it. But it seemed to be a compulsion with him. That’s one thing that makes Hemingway scholarship challenging.”

  Baird poured the rest of the beer into his glass. “Anyhow, he actually was the first American wounded in Italy, and they made a big deal over him. He went back to Oak Park a war hero. He had a certain amount of success with women.”

  “Or so he says?”

  “Right, God knows. Anyhow, he met Hadley Richardson, an older woman but quite a number, and they had a steamy courtship and got married and said the hell with it, moved to Paris to live a sort of Bohemian life while Hemingway worked on perfecting his art. That part isn’t bullshit. He worked diligently and he did become one of the best writers of his era. Which brings us to the lost manuscripts.”

  “Do tell.”

  “Hemingway was picking up a little extra money doing journalism. He’d gone to Switzerland to cover a peace conference for a news service. When it was over, he wired Hadley to come join him for some skiing.

  “This is where it gets odd. On her own initiative, Hadley packed up all of Ernest’s work. All of it. Not just the typescripts, but the handwritten first drafts and the carbons.”

  “That’s like a Xerox?”

  “Right. She packed them in an overnight bag, then packed her own suitcase. A porter at the train station, the Gare de Lyon, put them aboard for her. She left the train for a minute to find something to read—and when she came back, they were gone.”

  “Suitcase and all?”

  “No, just the manuscripts. She and the porte
r searched up and down the train. But that was it. Somebody had seen the overnight bag sitting there and snatched it. Lost forever.”

  That did hold a glimmer of professional interest. “That’s funny. You’d think they’d get a note then, like ‘If you ever want to see your stories again, bring a million bucks to the Eiffel Tower’ sort of thing.”

  “A few years later, that might have happened. It didn’t take long for Hemingway to become famous. But at the time, only a few of the literary intelligentsia knew about him.”

  Castle shook his head in commiseration with the long-dead thief. “Guy who stole ‘em probably didn’t even read English. Dumped ‘em in the river.”

  John Baird shivered visibly. “Undoubtedly. But people have never stopped looking for them. Maybe they’ll show up in some attic someday.”

  “Could happen.” Wheels turning.

  “It’s happened before in literature. Some of Boswell’s diaries were recovered because a scholar recognized his handwriting on an old piece of paper a merchant used to wrap a fish. Hemingway’s own last book, he put together from notes that had been lost for thirty years. They were in a couple of trunks in the basement of the Ritz, in Paris.” He leaned forward, excited. “Then after he died, they found another batch of papers down here, in a back room in Sloppy Joe’s. It could still happen.”

  Castle took a deep breath. “It could be made to happen, too.”

  “Made to happen?”

  “Just speakin’, you know, in theory. Like some guy who really knows Hemingway, suppose he makes up some stories that’re like those old ones, finds some seventy-five-year-old paper and an old, what do you call them, not a word processor—”

  “Typewriter.”

  “Whatever. Think he could pass ‘em off for the real thing?”

  “I don’t know if he could fool me,” Baird said, and tapped the side of his head. “I have a freak memory: eidetic, photographic. I have just about every word Hemingway ever wrote committed to memory.” He looked slightly embarrassed. “Of course that doesn’t make me an expert in the sense of being able to spot a phony. I just wouldn’t have to refer to any texts.”

  “So take yourself, you know, or somebody else who spent all his life studyin’ Hemingway. He puts all he’s got into writin’ these stories—he knows the people who are gonna be readin’ ‘em; knows what they’re gonna look for. And he hires like an expert forger to make the pages look like they came out of Hemingway’s machine. So could it work?”

  Baird pursed his lips and for a moment looked professorial. Then he sort of laughed, one syllable through his nose. “Maybe it could. A man did a similar thing when I was a boy, counterfeiting the memoirs of Howard Hughes. He made millions.”

  “Millions?”

  “Back when that was real money. Went to jail when they found out, of course.”

  “And the money was still there when he got out.”

  “Never read anything about it. I guess so.”

  “So the next question is, how much stuff are we talkin’ about? How much was in that old overnight bag?”

  “That depends on who you believe. There was half a novel and some poetry. The short stories, there might have been as few as eleven or as many as thirty.”

  “That’d take a long time to write.”

  “It would take forever. You couldn’t just ‘do’ Hemingway; you’d have to figure out what the stories were about, then reconstruct his early style—do you know how many Hemingway scholars there are in the world?”

  “Huh uh. Quite a few.”

  “Thousands. Maybe ten thousand academics who know enough to spot a careless fake.”

  Castle nodded, cogitating. “You’d have to be real careful. But then you wouldn’t have to do all the short stories and poems, would you? You could say all you found was the part of the novel. Hell, you could sell that as a book.” The odd laugh again. “Sure you could. Be a fortune in it.” “How much? A million bucks?”

  “A million ... maybe. Well, sure. The last new Hemingway made at least that much, allowing for inflation. And he’s more popular now.”

  Castle took a big gulp of beer and set his glass down decisively. “So what the hell are we waiting for?”

  Baird’s bland smile faded. “You’re serious?”

  ~ * ~

  2. in our time

  Got a ripple in the Hemingway channel.

  Twenties again?

  No, funny, this one’s in the 1990s. See if you can track it down?

  Sure. Go down to the armory first and—

  Look—no bloodbaths this time. You solve one problem and start ten more.

  Couldn’t be helped. It’s no tea party, twentieth century America.

  Just use good judgment. That Ransom guy ...

  Manson. Right That was a mistake.

  ~ * ~

  3. a way you’ll never be

  You can’t cheat an honest man, as Sylvester Castlemaine well knew, but then again, it never hurts to find out just how honest a man is. John Baird refused his scheme, with good humor at first, but when Castle persisted, his refusal took on a sarcastic edge, maybe a tinge of outrage. He backed off and changed the subject, talking for a half hour about commercial fishing around Key West, and then said he had to run. He slipped his business card into John’s shirt pocket on the way out. (Sylvester Castlemaine, Consultant, it claimed.)

  John left the place soon, walking slowly through the afternoon heat. He was glad he hadn’t brought the bicycle; it was pleasant to walk in the shade of the big aromatic trees, a slight breeze on his face from the Gulf side.

  One could do it. One could. The problem divided itself into three parts: writing the novel fragment, forging the manuscript, and devising a suitable story about how one had uncovered the manuscript.

  The writing part would be the hardest. Hemingway is easy enough to parody—one-fourth of the take-home final he gave in English 733 was to write a page of Hemingway pastiche, and some of his graduate students did a credible job— but parody was exactly what one would not want to do.

  It had been a crucial period in Hemingway’s development, those three years of apprenticeship the lost manuscripts represented. Two stories survived, and they were maddeningly dissimilar. “My Old Man,” which had slipped down behind a drawer, was itself a pastiche, reading like pretty good Sherwood Anderson, but with an O. Henry twist at the end—very unlike the bleak understated quality that would distinguish the stories that were to make Hemingway’s reputation. The other, “Up in Michigan,” had been out in the mail at the time of the loss. It was a lot closer to Hemingway’s ultimate style, a spare and, by the standards of the time, pornographic description of a woman’s first sexual experience.

  John riffled through the notes on the yellow pad, a talismanic gesture, since he could have remembered any page with little effort. But the sight of the words and the feel of the paper sometimes helped him think.

  One would not do it, of course. Except perhaps as a mental exercise. Not to show to anybody. Certainly not to profit from.

  You wouldn’t want to use “My Old Man” as the model, certainly; no one would care to publish a pastiche of a pastiche of Anderson, now undeservedly obscure. So “Up in Michigan.” And the first story he wrote after the loss, “Out of Season,” would also be handy. That had a lot of the Hemingway strength.

  You wouldn’t want to tackle the novel fragment, of course, not just as an exercise, over a hundred pages—

  Without thinking about it, John dropped into a familiar fugue state as he walked through the run-down neighborhood, his freak memory taking over while his body ambled along on autopilot. This is the way he usually remembered pages. He transported himself back to the Hemingway collection at the JFK Library in Boston, last November, snow swirling outside the big picture windows overlooking the harbor, the room so cold he was wearing coat and gloves and could see his breath. They didn’t normally let you wear a coat up there, afraid you might squirr
el away a page out of the manuscript collection, but they had to make an exception because the heat pump was down.

  He was flipping through the much-thumbed Xerox of Carlos Baker’s interview with Hadley, page 52: “Stolen suitcase,” Baker asked; “lost novel?”

  The typescript of her reply appeared in front of him, more clear than the cracked sidewalk his feet negotiated: “This novel was a knockout, about Nick, up north in Michigan— hunting, fishing, all sorts of experiences—stuff on the order of ‘Big Two-Hearted River’ with more action. Girl experiences well done, too.” With an enigmatic addition, evidently in Hadley’s handwriting, “Girl experiences too well done.”