No More Pretending

by Bette Hawkins

  Lauren shook her head. “You’re so smart but you don’t see what’s right in front of you.”

  Harper frowned. “Okay, can you just say what you mean? I have no idea what we’re talking about.”

  Lauren took a deep breath. “I’ve never been with any guy. Think back over all the time we spent together, do you ever remember me once talking about an ex-boyfriend? Do you recall me ever expressing even a passing interest in a man? And even if I had, haven’t you heard of bisexuality? I’m not bisexual for the record, but my point is that it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that I might have actually been genuine with you.”

  Lauren could barely hear herself speak over the pounding of her heart. She moistened her dry mouth and watched while Harper opened her own mouth in shock.

  Harper knew at once that it was true, though she hadn’t consciously allowed herself to think about it too much before. It was one of those things that you both knew and didn’t know, that you deceived yourself into ignoring when contrary evidence was being presented to you all the time. When it crossed her mind that Lauren might like women in the same way that she did, she had dismissed it as wishful thinking.

  Harper took a deep breath. “If you’re gay, why didn’t you just tell me that?”

  “I never hid things from you. I told you things about my family that are a big deal for me. And all you take away from everything is that I’m confused.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” Harper hissed back at her. “It wasn’t supposed to be some big insult. I was upset that you had messed with my head like you did.”

  In retrospect, Harper realized it was glaringly obvious. The way Lauren looked at her, smiled at her…kissed her. Of course Lauren was gay. She should have known.

  But Harper was also mad, because she wasn’t just “anyone.” Harper knew what it was like to be scared to come out. She had grown up in small-town Texas for crying out loud. She thought she had proven that she could be trusted.

  Lauren waved it all away. “I don’t know why I’m even telling you this.”

  Harper was finding it hard to hold on to her anger, especially when she could hear the emotion in Lauren’s voice. Seeing Lauren almost crying before they had come into the office had rattled her. This changed everything. It made her realize that she’d been so caught up in her own pain and wounded pride that she hadn’t given much consideration to the idea that Lauren was hurting too. There was so much going on that she didn’t know about.

  Harper moved closer. “Don’t say that. You can trust me. You’ve always been able to trust me, that’s why I’m so mad at you for thinking you couldn’t.”

  Harper cautiously put her arms around Lauren, watching for Lauren’s reaction until she knew that she wasn’t going to be pushed away.

  It was such a relief to hold her. It was something she hadn’t even realized she needed so much until she had it. Harper put her hand on the back of Lauren’s head, feeling the softness of her hair. Lauren relaxed against her, arms moving around her waist. They stood together, silently. Harper pulled back and rested her forehead on Lauren’s. Lauren’s eyes were open, staring intently up.

  At the same time, they each inched forward until their lips were touching.

  This time there were no games, no pretending. Lauren gripped Harper’s shoulders and kissed her slowly, as though she wanted to savor it. The floor was falling away from under Harper’s feet. She leaned down into it, letting it take her over. When they broke apart they were both breathing hard. Lauren had put a hand on her collarbone. Harper could feel the touch of her fingers burning there.

  “Can you lock the door?” Lauren said. Harper turned in a daze and did it.

  When she turned back, she stood against the door and watched Lauren, who was gazing back at her. Up until ten minutes ago she had thought of Lauren as toxic, someone that she should avoid if she didn’t want to have her head messed with. It scared her how quickly that perspective had shifted and she wondered if she should take some time to think about this. There was no question of stopping it, not now. She stepped forward. Lauren put her hand on the back of Harper’s neck and pulled her close. Her tongue moved into Harper’s mouth with a kind of sweet roughness.

  The kiss quickly heated up, the two of them desperately trying to get closer to one another. Harper was shocked when Lauren pushed her backward against the desk, guiding her to sit on it. Lauren kissed her neck, lips and teeth grazing her gently.

  “How could you not know I’ve wanted to do this as soon as we met?” The words were hot and close to Harper’s ear. She closed her eyes. All of this time, Lauren had felt the same way. All of those looks, those touches, had been Lauren’s way of telling her that she wanted her too.

  Lauren’s tongue slid slowly up her neck. Harper shivered before their mouths joined once more. Harper reached for Lauren’s waist, holding her. Harper liked how Lauren, who always seemed so shy, was anything but shy right now. She knew exactly what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to take it.

  Harper knew what she wanted too but remained passive. Although Lauren was showing no signs of stopping, Harper was wary of being rejected again. The last time they had been together like this, she hadn’t imagined it stopping either. Her fingers dug lightly into Lauren’s sides in an effort to stop them from wandering.

  They were so in sync in this moment that it was as though Lauren knew exactly what she was thinking. She took Harper’s hands and pushed them upward, until Harper was cupping her breasts. Lauren stopped kissing her for a second, leaning up against her while Harper moved her hands over her. She could hear Lauren’s quickened breath. Harper moved one of her hands and untucked Lauren’s top from her skirt, pushing her hand underneath. The skin she found there was so smooth. Harper ran her hand around to Lauren’s back, her fingertips caressing the soft flesh. Lauren had started kissing her again, her hips straining against her.

  They came to an abrupt halt when there was a loud knock on the door and a voice called out. “Harper? You in there?” The doorknob rattled, twisting back and forth. Harper recognized Sal’s voice. Lauren looked back at her in wide-eyed horror.

  “Get behind the desk, I’ll take care of it,” Harper whispered. She quickly composed herself, grabbing a tissue to wipe Lauren’s lipstick from her mouth. There was a second where she couldn’t help but smile at the image of Lauren ducking guiltily behind her desk. She felt crazed, almost hysterical with the strangeness of what had just happened.

  “Sal, I’m sorry. I forgot that I’d locked that. I spilled coffee all over myself and had to change,” Harper said as she opened the door. She was surprised at how smoothly her voice came out.

  “No probs. Can you type this up and email it to the address on this note?” he asked.

  “Right away,” she said, relieved when he didn’t hang around at her door or try to come inside.

  Lauren sheepishly rose from behind the table. “Well, that was a close call.”

  “It was.” Harper raised her eyebrows at Lauren, who was tucking in her top and smoothing down her skirt. Lauren looked disheveled, her hair and clothes showing signs of what they’d been up to. Harper thought she’d never looked sexier, and wondered if it would be out of line to suggest that they pick up where they left off. The more logical part of her brain understood that the moment had passed. They were at work, aside from the fact that they had so much unresolved business.

  They stood across from one another silently, a few feet separating them. Harper held up the pages in her hand at last. “I should probably get to this…”

  “Oh yes, of course. People must be looking for me too. I should go,” Lauren closed her mouth and opened it again. Harper willed her to say whatever it was that she wanted to. Lauren’s reticence was a sweet and integral part of her, but right now she wanted Lauren to keep being as bold as she had been a couple of minutes ago.

  “Can you come by tonight?” Lauren asked. “Eight o’clock, if we’re not shooting late?”

  Harper nodded
, knowing that the hours between then and now were going to feel like years. She buried herself in her work, and waited.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was undeniable. For those many blessed minutes, Lauren’s mind stopped working and she let the rest of her take over. The kiss was everything that she had been chasing for a long time and never managed to come close to finding. Intimacy had never been natural for her because she had never been able to trust and let go. Harper made her want to let go.

  Now that she was alone, however, the certainty she had felt faded. Was it a bad idea to invite Harper over like that? Perhaps she was only making it more difficult for herself in the long run. Another fear elbowed its way into her head. All of that time when they weren’t talking, Lauren had been afraid that Harper didn’t care about her in the same way. Now that it had become apparent that Harper was at least attracted to her, she worried about what disappointments the future might hold. They had made no promises to one another. If something happened between them tonight, it would make it even harder when they had to part ways.

  This couldn’t really go anywhere. Harper would never follow her back to New York. The relationships Harper had with her father and brother were important to her in a way that Lauren had never experienced with her own family. It was obvious that Harper felt responsible for looking after everyone. Her sense of responsibility toward her loved ones was one of the things that Lauren admired most about her. And although Lauren had been enjoying staying in this town more than she could have ever imagined, there was no way she could stay permanently and still have a career. It was only a temporary bubble, a reprieve from the world.

  She tried to quiet the chatter in her head and focus on the present. It was a lot like the first night Harper had come over, though she was even more nervous now. When she arrived home from work, she rushed to throw something together to eat and then showered quickly. Lauren couldn’t help laughing at herself when it was time to get dressed, at the way she felt compelled to choose her underwear carefully. She was electric with desire from kissing Harper, her mind turning persistently to Harper’s hands and mouth and what they could do.

  When she opened the door, Lauren’s breath stopped in her chest. Harper was wearing a white T-shirt and skinny jeans, her hair flowing loosely. Lauren felt like pushing her up against the nearest wall to kiss her. Instead, Lauren greeted Harper politely and invited her inside. When Harper came in, she stood with her hands in her pockets. There was a beat when Lauren thought Harper might kiss her or at least give her a hug, but she didn’t move forward.

  “Can we sit down somewhere and talk?” Harper asked.

  “Sure,” Lauren agreed with a sinking heart.

  They sat down in the living room. Harper crossed her legs one way, and then the other, pushing hair behind her ears. Lauren started jogging her own leg up and down impatiently. She saw Harper looking at her leg, and then at her face. They both started laughing at the same time.

  “Look at us,” Harper said, shaking her head. “We’re a mess.”

  Lauren shrugged, not wanting to give anything away until she knew where she stood. “I guess.”

  The silence rose up again before Harper broke it. “You make me really nervous.”

  It was impossible that Harper, a person who came across as so comfortable and at ease with herself, could be nervous because of her. Lauren shook her head. The tension was unbearable. Lauren was trying to imagine what would happen if she went over to her, if she knelt before her and threw herself at her feet.

  “I’m going to go and get us both a glass of wine, give you time to figure out what you want to say to me. Does that sound okay?” Lauren suggested.

  Lauren could feel Harper’s gaze on her when she got up. They followed her as she stood, trailing up and down her body. Lauren felt it like a touch, her skin tingling.

  Lauren stood at the kitchen counter and put her elbows on it, leaning her head on her hands to try to pull herself together. She knew that she had to deal with whatever Harper wanted to say, and her nerves were shot. She hoped she could keep herself from breaking down in front of Harper. Take it with dignity, she said to herself. You’ve endured much worse than this; you’re going to be fine.

  Lauren poured the wine, took a deep shuddering breath, and walked back into the living room. As she was putting the glasses down on the coffee table and stalling by fussing with the coasters to go underneath them, Harper stood up.

  “You’re not going?” Lauren asked. Was Harper just going to bail on her? After that day at the lake, she’d had the uncomfortable sense that it was easy for Harper to walk away from her.

  Harper took Lauren’s hand and pulled her forward until they were facing one another. “No.”

  Lauren’s heart thudded like a drum as Harper’s hand came to her throat and moved up to her cheek, the other drawing her in by the waist. Lauren’s head fell back. She closed her eyes, sighing when Harper’s warm mouth pressed to her lips. Lauren loved the way that Harper kissed her, fiercely and possessively, treating her like a precious thing. It made Lauren weak at the knees, because nobody else had ever made her feel so safe and so turned on at the same time. She didn’t want Harper to ever stop touching her.

  After a while, Harper pushed her toward the sofa. When she was sitting, Harper straddled her. She held Lauren’s face in her hands and kissed her mouth and neck. Lauren could hear her own heavy breathing, no time anymore to worry, because she was too consumed by the feeling of Harper’s body close to hers. Lauren ran her hands over Harper’s back and pushed them into Harper’s hair. How many times over the last six weeks had Lauren admired this hair, her skin, and the full lips that were kissing her?

  Suddenly, Harper stopped. Lauren opened her eyes and stared up into Harper’s face. Harper used a finger to trace a line around her lips, and over her chin.

  “Are we doing the right thing?” Harper asked her.

  Lauren looked at her solemnly. “I don’t care.”

  “Come with me.”

  Walking to the bedroom with Harper gave Lauren a moment to take stock of the fact that she was aware of every nerve ending in her body. Her legs felt like they were made of liquid. For the first time since Harper had started kissing her, she had time to think about what they were doing. Old insecurities about her body were entering her mind, as were thoughts about how much more sexually experienced Harper might be than she was. She had been with a few women in her time, but she had never gotten to a place of open communication and true intimacy. How could you know if you were any good if you had never had that?

  When they reached her room, Harper turned toward her. There was no mirrored doubt or hesitation written in Harper’s gaze. Harper came toward her and grasped the bottom of her top, raising her eyebrows in a question. Harper lifted the garment over Lauren’s head. Harper’s eyes roamed over her body, her fingertips following them.

  “You are so beautiful,” Harper said. Lauren had heard that sentence many times from people who wanted something from her. It got thrown at her by people who said it all the time, about everybody. When Harper said the words, she believed them. Harper was the first person in a long time who actually saw her.

  Lauren reached around to undo her own bra, watching Harper’s eyes drop, the subtle change in her expression as she watched Lauren undress. Then Lauren reached forward and together they took off Harper’s shirt and bra. Lauren touched her softly, her palms on Harper’s breasts before gently pushing her forward to lie on the bed.

  Lauren closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling of Harper’s soft skin touching her own. They moved against one another, the friction of their bodies making Lauren moan. Part of her felt like she could be satisfied with just this, just kissing and never stopping, yet at the same time her whole being wanted what must come next.

  Now and then Harper’s hands would slide down her body, pulling her close by the hips or drawing sweet circles at her waist. Just when she needed it, Harper rolled her onto her back and trailed kisse
s down her neck and over her breasts. Lauren’s back arched. Harper’s fingers ran over her thighs under her skirt and came to rest lightly between her legs.

  “What?” Lauren said breathlessly, impatiently, when her waiting yielded nothing.

  Harper was looking down at her, her expression serious. “I feel like I almost want you too much.”

  In response, Lauren took Harper’s hand and put it back where she wanted it. She heard the catching of Harper’s breath. They quickly removed the rest of their clothes and Harper again positioned herself on top of Lauren, her hand moving down between them. Lauren’s head was thrown back on the pillow.

  Lauren opened her eyes. When she looked up, the way that Harper was looking down at her melted her. Her expression was awestruck, like Harper couldn’t believe that they were here. Lauren couldn’t believe it either. Lauren pulled her down to seek a kiss but rapidly lost focus when Harper’s skilled fingers stroked her. Her hands grabbed at Harper’s shoulders, her waist, her fingers digging into Harper’s back. They looked into one another’s eyes while they rocked against one another. When Lauren exploded into white light, she called Harper’s name.

  As soon as she had recovered, Lauren reversed their positions so that Harper was lying underneath her. Without hesitation, she moved downward, kissing Harper’s stomach before she moved lower. Lauren was tentative for only a moment, because she could hear Harper’s fast breath and she could feel Harper’s hands on her shoulders. When she looked up and saw Harper’s head thrown back and her mouth open in a moan, she let her apprehension go. She curled a hand around Harper’s thigh. It was revelatory for her, the sensation of making someone who always seemed so in control break apart with pleasure.

  For a while they lay together, staring up at the ceiling. No words felt adequate. Lauren had the curious sensation that she was changed in some way, that she wouldn’t be able to look back after this. She would never be able to sleep with another woman without comparing it to this experience and to how she felt right now. Harper’s fingers were lightly circling her arm.