No More Pretending

by Bette Hawkins

  Now Lauren was here, and Harper felt as ridiculously happy to see her as she always did. Lauren reached forward and squeezed her hand, apologizing with her eyes. Harper knew they should talk, but her dad was calling out from the kitchen. He was more excited than Harper had seen him in a while. He had even gotten up from his armchair and helped her with getting dinner ready, clumsily chopping onions and setting the table.

  “Is that our guest?” he called.

  “Yes, Dad,” Harper replied. She still hadn’t said a word to Lauren. “Come on in.”

  Lauren followed her down the hall and into the kitchen, where her dad was standing expectantly. He had dressed in one of his few good shirts, his hair still wet from the shower, freshly parted and combed.

  “Dad this is Lauren. Lauren, this is my dad.”

  “You can call me Henry. I’m glad you could come after all.” Her dad shook Lauren’s hand, putting one of his palms over their joined ones and patting her. Harper felt Lauren’s eyes on her, questioning and wondering what kind of story she’d told him to explain. When Lauren took her hand away, she adjusted her clothes and cleared her throat. Despite her anger, it melted her a little to see Lauren looking so eager to please.

  “I’m glad too,” Lauren said. “It’s wonderful to meet you.”

  Harper turned around to see Tommy hovering in the doorway. “Come here, Tommy. This is Lauren, Lauren this is Tommy.”

  “Pleasure to meet you.” Tommy puffed his chest out, towering over Lauren. Harper watched him trying to act manly and it melted her heart. He still had a lot of growing up to do but it was at times like this that she realized he wasn’t far from being an adult.

  “I apologize in advance for his questions,” said Harper, smiling. “He’s always bugging me about the movie. He’s been getting some street cred at school because of it.”

  “Shut up.”

  “I’ll be happy to answer your questions, Tommy,” said Lauren. “It’s very nice to meet you too.”

  “Do you think we could get a selfie?”

  Harper was horrified. “Tommy! I told you not to ask her for anything like that.”

  Lauren waved Harper’s concern off, smiling into the camera with an arm around Tommy’s shoulders. Harper pushed back tears at the sight of Tommy’s beaming face. He’d been through a lot for someone so young, and it meant a lot that Lauren was being this sweet with him.

  When they sat down to dinner, Harper listened quietly while her dad and Tommy peppered Lauren with questions. Tommy was a movie buff, so he asked her a lot of questions about directors she had worked with. When Lauren casually told him insider gossip about them, Harper could see him storing up the information, no doubt desperate to pass it on to his friends. The only time Harper needed to intervene was when her dad started gently grilling Lauren about her family. He wanted to know who her parents were and what they did, and he wanted to hear all about where she was from. When Harper changed the subject, Lauren shot her a grateful look.

  Her dad sipped at his whiskey all night like he always did, but at least he wasn’t drunk. He looked pleased when Lauren agreed to join him in a drink and even more pleased when she had several. They were getting along well, Lauren talking with him about the house and about the cars he still loved working on. Every now and then, Lauren would glance at Harper and a sad look would play over her face. Harper knew that Lauren was seeking reassurance from her, but she couldn’t bring herself to give it.

  On the surface, the night was a success. Her brother and father were enjoying themselves and everyone got along better than she would have hoped. But Harper wasn’t happy. When she had first started making plans to surprise Lauren with the invitation, she hadn’t imagined that the situation between them would be so uncertain. It would have been better to keep it off the table like she wanted, but she had relented at the last minute when she’d gotten Lauren’s message. Going ahead with it was an exercise in denial. It was play-acting at a relationship, marking milestones in something they both knew was going to have to end soon. You weren’t supposed to introduce someone to your family right before you parted ways. The thought brought a lump to her throat. She picked up her drink and sipped it, drumming her fingers on the side.

  Lauren must have picked up on her mood because she discreetly put her hand on Harper’s knee under the table, stroking it gently. Harper flinched not because it was unwanted, but because of the strong reaction she always had when Lauren touched her. Harper caught her hand and held her fingers for a moment.

  After dessert, Lauren pushed back her chair. “I’ve had such a nice night. Thank you all so much. I hope you won’t mind if I leave my car here, and come back for it tomorrow? I’ve had a little too much whiskey to drive.”

  “Well, Harper and I would be happy to walk you home, but wouldn’t you rather stay here?” her dad asked. “I assumed you would sleep over.”

  “Thank you so much, but I really should be going,” Lauren said, looking hopefully at Harper.

  “I insist. We’d love to have you stay,” he said. Harper watched while he walked over and put his hands on Lauren’s shoulders. The whole time she had been watching like a bystander who had nothing to do with any of this. Even now she kept it up, feeling only mild curiosity about what her dad was going to say. “You’re always welcome here.”

  “Thanks, that’s very kind of you.”

  “Well, I mean it. Harper’s had a rough few years, having to look after everyone. Even having to live here I think, sometimes,” he said, holding up a hand when Harper tried to protest. “No honey, it’s true. You’re like your mom—you’re a city girl. Anyway, Harper’s been happier lately, being with you. I want to thank you for that.”

  He was too drunk to notice the way Lauren’s eyes widened subtly in surprise, but Harper saw it. She wished he hadn’t said anything. It was only going to create more problems, given Lauren’s paranoia about people finding out about them. Her dad had teased her mercilessly over the past few weeks about her secret girlfriend and Harper had continually brushed him off. She hadn’t imagined that he would give a speech like that.

  At last, he clapped Lauren on the shoulders again and announced that he was going to turn in. Tommy said the same, with a smirk on his face that Harper wanted to slap off. She was going to have to talk to him about not going around school saying anything about what her dad had just implied. Tommy usually showed good sense but you never knew. He was still a teenage boy.

  Harper nodded toward her room and Lauren followed her in. She turned on some quiet music because of the possibility that Tommy might try to eavesdrop.

  “I don’t suppose you’ll believe me if I tell you I haven’t told Dad anything?” Harper said. “He’s said things before and I’ve always shot him down, so he doesn’t know anything for sure. He’s just guessing.”

  Lauren sat down on the bed and looked up at her. “Of course I believe you. I was just surprised, but I don’t mind. He’s your dad; it would be okay to tell him. I thought what he said was very nice.”

  “If you say so,” Harper said.

  Lauren rubbed her palms on her jeans. “I’m sorry I drank that whiskey and couldn’t go home. I didn’t mean to put you in an awkward position. I was nervous tonight. But I had a lovely time. Thank you for letting me come here.”

  “It’s okay,” Harper said, sighing. She wanted to go to sleep, if only to escape all of this. It was too confusing.

  “Can you sit next to me? I want to talk to you about something.” Despite her anger and disappointment, Harper once again could not say no. She sat down carefully on the bed. She hated that being this close to Lauren made her forget how tired she was. She could smell Lauren’s hair and wanted to grab on to it and kiss her in spite of everything.

  Lauren took her hand. “I wanted to come over because I did a lot of thinking today. You were right when you said I was reluctant to get involved with you. Somehow I’ve never been able to help myself.”

  “Me neither,” Harper said. She ha
d no idea where Lauren’s words were leading. But when she looked into Lauren’s blue eyes she forgot herself, she forgot everything.

  “I want to be with you. I want us to make this work. I’ve wanted that for a while, but I’ve been scared that you wouldn’t want it too.” Lauren said it and then held her breath.

  Harper could feel an ache in her chest. “Lauren,” she started, her voice full of the sense of the hopelessness that she felt.

  “Don’t,” Lauren whispered. “I just needed to try. But I can’t bear to hear you say it.”

  “Please don’t be upset,” Harper said.

  Lauren stared at her, then stood up and paced the room for a second. Harper understood that she needed a moment to escape, even when she couldn’t go anywhere. Lauren put her hands behind her head and then sat back down again, folding into herself. “Have I made you fall out of love with me that quickly? That has to be some sort of a record.”

  “I meant it when I said that I love you. But look at what happened this morning. I can’t live in this sort of secrecy. It’s been beautiful, and it will always be special to me, but there’s too much working against us.”

  “If that’s the only reason, then I’ll leave acting, I’ll give it up,” Lauren said. “I was thinking today about how insecure I always act and how much I mess things up. I’ve turned into this stunted person who can’t live a normal life. I can focus on my writing career. I’ve got enough money to leave acting.”

  “What? Lauren, you can’t just quit. You don’t really mean that. You can’t do that for someone else, you’d have to do it for you.” As much as it thrilled her to hear that Lauren would even consider it, she knew that it would only cause resentment in the end.

  “That’s what I’m saying though. You’ve just helped bring all of this to a head. I haven’t been happy for a long time. Maybe that’s what all of this has been leading to.”

  “Maybe so, but you need to work that out on your own time. I would never ask you to do that,” Harper said firmly. “And Lauren, I hate to say this but that’s not our only problem. I think you must know that. You couldn’t very well pick up your whole life and move here, could you?”

  Lauren looked down at her hands, raised one up, and started chewing on a fingernail. “And I can’t ask you to move away from your family either. Especially after tonight, seeing you all together. I know you’ve had your problems and stuff, but you are a really tight family.”

  “We are.” Harper couldn’t even allow herself to think about the possibility of leaving her dad and Tommy behind. Being there for them was one of the most important things in the world for her. Tommy needed to have at least one responsible adult in the house and her father, for all his good qualities, just couldn’t be that for him right now. “I hadn’t told you this, but Sal actually offered me a job. It’s in LA and not New York, but he offered me a lot of money.”

  “I knew he was thinking about it. You turned him down?”

  Harper nodded. “I couldn’t even really consider it.”

  “So it’s really impossible then, isn’t it?” Lauren said, but Harper got the sense that she was hoping to be contradicted.

  “I wish that it weren’t,” Harper said. “But yes, it is impossible. I’m sorry.”

  “Can we stop pretending?” Lauren asked, looking into her eyes. Harper felt so lost in that gaze again. It took her a moment to even register what Lauren had said.

  “Pretending?”

  “We’ve been going along like everything is fine, and I’ve been pretending this whole time that I was okay with this being a short-term thing. This isn’t just some cute holiday romance thing for me. I haven’t been okay with that at all.”

  Lauren’s voice caught on that last sentence. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Lauren was an actress, but she was good at hiding her feelings. Although Harper often caught Lauren staring at her with expressions she didn’t understand, she hadn’t realized that this was the substance of so many of her thoughts.

  She grabbed Lauren’s hand and squeezed it. “That’s not what it’s been for me either.”

  “I’ll never forget about this. Do you get that?” Lauren said.

  Harper answered with a kiss. She put her arms around Lauren and let herself fall into it. It didn’t take long for the kiss to turn into something more, and she didn’t want to stop it. It might make things even more complicated but with Lauren grasping at her, her beautiful body so warm and close, there was no question that Harper was going to sink into her and take what Lauren was so eager to give her. Harper clung to Lauren, trying to be quiet so that they would not be heard through the thin walls.

  By now they had learned very well what the other person liked, knew how to drive one another crazy. There was something different about it this time, the fight they’d had stoking the passion between them.

  Harper didn’t know how much more of this they would have. Burying herself in Lauren, she tried to forget.

  Chapter Nineteen

  As the production wound down, Harper watched the dismantling of everything with less interest than she had watched it come together. It was creation in the reverse, and it depressed her. All of her co-workers looked like they were ready to be done with the movie, Sal more than anybody. While they wrapped things up, the crew talked about what they would do when they got home, whether they were taking a break or if they had another job lined up. Because of the atmosphere of the set, which had felt like its own little universe so much of the time, she had forgotten how many of her colleagues had families they were missing. They all wanted to get back to their lives; she was the only person here who had not really had to leave hers.

  There would be no homecoming for her. Going back to her regular job would be a big change. It all seemed so boring now, the endless routine of calling orders, carrying plates, counting tips. For the last eighteen months, she knew she must start to think about direction, about taking the pause off her life. That voice in the back of her head got louder and louder as this chapter came toward its end.

  One of the best things about this last week was that she and Lauren dropped the charade of only being friends around Harper’s family. Harper had stopped sneaking out of her window. Instead she just called out a hasty good-bye to whoever was around when she left to go to the cottage each night. She rushed out as soon as she had cooked dinner or done the laundry. Sometimes, she wouldn’t even bother with those things. Tommy and her father even started picking up after themselves more. They were uncharacteristically considerate about the fact that she didn’t want to be at home too much this week.

  Lauren had started to set things back in their places at the cottage, and everything looked sparkling clean. She was working on getting the place ready to hand in the keys and leave it behind. It was so strange to think that someone else would be sleeping in the bed soon, that it wouldn’t be their special place anymore. Harper knew she was never going to be able to walk past this street again without thinking about Lauren.

  They arranged to go to the wrap party together. It was all so close to being done that it didn’t seem to matter how much they were seen together. The party was being held at The Tavern. While they ate dinner, Harper held Lauren’s hand under the table. She resented spending this time with other people. She would much rather that they were alone.

  After dinner, Sal stood up and clinked a spoon on his glass. Slowly the chatter in the room quieted down. “Okay everyone. Hopefully I’ll see some of your faces at the Oscar parties after we’ve won Best Picture.”

  The room let out a collective groan together, and Sal clinked his spoon again to quiet the crowd. “Okay, let’s try that again. I hope I will see you at the premiere, and that this perfectly adequate movie makes us all a boatload of money. Or more specifically, makes me a lot of money.” He waited while people clapped and roared. “I know that my particular brand of eccentricity, which, let’s face it, comes with the curse of frustrated genius, can be hard to work with. But I want you all t
o know that I appreciate that you not only put up with me, you work really hard for me.” Sal listed off a large number of people, naming what must be almost everyone who had worked on the movie. When he mentioned Harper, she felt Lauren’s eyes on her.

  “And now I’ve saved the best for last. Thank you to Lauren. Maybe the only person who nobody here can say a bad word about. You are kind, you have integrity and talent, and I hope I get to make a million more movies with you.”

  The crowd erupted into cheers. Lauren gave a bashful, grateful wave to the room. Someone suggested that she give a speech. Sal placed the microphone in front of her. She pushed it off immediately, but not before it caught her saying “Not a chance.” They all laughed and Sal raised a toast, which everyone enthusiastically took part in.

  As soon as the room started to move on from the speech, Harper realized that she was at risk of crying. For everyone else here this was just a party like any other industry party. They could make flippant jokes and know that they would go on to many other jobs and experiences not so different from this one. Harper slipped away while someone was congratulating Lauren on her work and went to the bathroom.

  Harper stood before the mirror and appraised herself to see how well she was holding herself together. Her eyes were only a little wet, hopefully not enough for anyone to notice. Taking some tissue and wiping them dry, she fixed up her eyeliner. Then she breathed in as deeply as she could. She told herself that she had made her choices. There was no point wishing that things were different. Having a love affair with a Hollywood actress had always been an unlikely and strange scenario. It was ending, and life was returning to its natural order. It was okay to mourn it, but it was foolish to let it take over.