Lou sat at her desk going over some paperwork.
She looked up when Deputy Dwight knocked on her open door and showed the two FBI agents into her office. She’d been expecting their arrival, but she definitely hadn’t expected to see Virgil Tuckerwood, the heartless bastard.
The sudden, heart-stopping shock caused Lou’s hand to crunch up a piece of a report. She absent-mindedly dropped it into a wastebasket without another thought as her mouth dropped open in surprise. She swallowed nervously. He had finally come back after all these years — after countless unreturned phone calls and letters.
Lou could feel her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Oh God, no, she hoped not. The last thing she wanted was to go all chick flick and weak-kneed. Get a hold of yourself. You’re the acting town sheriff, not some sweet, innocent high school kid. But that’s exactly how she felt and that’s exactly where her heart had been left — on the high school prom altar of love. And for five lonely years she had suffered the Bigfoot Babe blues, as Duane liked to call it.
Lou shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She and Virgil made uneasy eye contact. An eternity stretched into seconds.
Deputy Dwight hovered by the door waiting for his orders. He shrugged. “Agents Tuckerwood and Merlot,” he announced. He cleared his throat and paused by the door.
Merlot looked from Lou to Virgil as they continued to stare uneasily at each other. She felt as though she was watching a tennis match. Merlot, the incurable romantic, knew this day would get better, and came to the conclusion she had made a big mistake. No — make that a huge mistake. For it was now obvious Annie wasn’t the reason for her partner’s behavior. How could she be so far out of tune?
To take her mind off things, she eyed up Dwight with her woodometer. She was close to giggling as Dwight had evidently noticed her scrutiny. He actually flushed with embarrassment.
“Hmm … haven’t had chubby sex in a long time. Nice piece of softwood,” Merlot thought — out loud! Oops! Naughty girl.
Dwight cleared his throat and looked away from Merlot, only to see Duane’s leering grin at the window. He visibly jolted, managing to ask, “Anyone for coffee and donuts?”
“Agent Tuckerwood?” Dwight prompted. He waited for a respectable moment. “Agent Tuckerwood?”
“Yeah, whatever,” Virgil replied, obviously distracted.
Dwight turned to his boss, “Coffee and donuts, Sheriff?”
Lou’s attention was so focused on her old flame she didn’t hear her deputy. Her head had exploded with the music of love. She assessed how much Virgil had changed. Well, he was leaner. That’s a positive! His handsome face was more chiseled. Another positive! He didn’t look any older than the day he’d left. She noticed the anal center comb line separating his auburn hair. That was a neutral! The suit and tie looked good on him. That was a negative! The reason being she remembered with a heavy dose of nostalgia how gorgeous he looked in tight jeans and a t-shirt. Good enough to eat. And then there were those startling blue eyes.
“Sheriff,” Dwight persisted in an impatient way.
Finally Lou spoke in an off-handed way, “Just hold the donuts.” She hadn’t taken her eyes off Virgil.
Deputy Dwight nodded and left the office, closing the door.
Lou couldn’t tell what Virgil was thinking. He looked so cold and indifferent — all business and FBI right down to his regulation shiny shoes.
“It’s been a long time, Virgil,” Lou said in her serious voice, but one that lacked its usual authority. She remembered him being the decent, clean-cut, all-round honest guy, and someone who could laugh when called for.
Above all he had been her best friend and first love. And she had sworn if she ever saw him again she’d kick him in the nuts. She could never forgive him for ditching her without saying goodbye. So what if his parents were moving to San Francisco. He could have at least said farewell. It had been left to Duane to break the bad news. The poor kid was broken up too and yet still found the courage to console her. Now that was a friend.
Without warning all the pent-up anger and heartbreak hit Lou with a sucker-punch. Her eyes grew cold as she looked at the heartless bastard. She indicated to the two chairs in front of her desk.
“Please, take a load off.”
The FBI agents sat down.
Virgil sat stiff-backed and serious-faced as if he had a rod shoved up his ass.
Merlot sat more casually in her chair with a leg crossed over her knee. She was the first one to get the ball rolling. “Well, this is all very interesting … but we’ll need to appraise the area where Beau was last seen, ASAP.”
“Yeah, I guessed as much,” Lou said. “I’ll take you there after you’ve finished your coffee and donuts. Maybe you’d like to grab something to eat? I can arrange to have take-out or there’s Annie’s diner next door?” She added as an afterthought, “I’ve taken the liberty of booking you into rooms at the Grace Hotel.” Lou made eye contact with Virgil again. It couldn’t be helped.
Virgil cleared his throat. “We stopped at a diner on the way here,” Virgil replied matter-of-factly. He added, “There was no need to put yourself to any trouble … we’re perfectly capable of seeing to our accommodation.”
If she’d known he was the FBI agent sent to Big Beaver she wouldn’t have bothered. He could at least say thanks. Lou narrowed her eyes with contempt.
Merlot looked from her partner to the sheriff, then back to her partner. She giggled.
Virgil broke eye contact for the second time. “Has the area been sealed off?”
“Of course,” Lou snapped. “We’re not hicks, you know.”
And his voice was different, Lou thought. There was so much about him that had changed. She could plainly see he wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with. Her heart sank with that realization.
“We’ve scoured the area, along with as much of the woods as we could.” She sighed, “Pointless really.” She shrugged, “Couldn’t see the woods for the trees.”
“Do you think it possible Beau has faked this abduction again?” Virgil asked.
“Does Bigfoot shit in the woods?” Lou nodded yes. “His friends are probably in on the little charade too.”
“So … we don’t take his disappearance seriously, then?” Merlot asked.
“This isn’t the first time Beau has gone missing. Two months back he did the same thing. When he did show up he claimed he’d been abducted by Bigfoot.” She told them this knowing full well the agents already knew as much as she did. It was something to say to get her mind off the heartless bastard.
“Yeah, we kinda know all that,” Merlot agreed. “Kids!”
“Yeah, kids!” Lou sighed and glanced at the heartless bastard. She recalled the time he and Duane had pulled the same prank, claiming that a harem of Bigfoot Babes had abducted them and had forced them to do certain things of a sexual nature. Virgil knew how to have fun back then, but what about now? Deep down in her heart, Lou wanted to know.
Deputy Dwight knocked on the door and entered with a tray of coffee and donuts. He placed the tray on the desk.
“Annie’s finest. You won’t find better donuts anywhere.” With that, Dwight left the office with a donut in his hand.
“Hey, Dwight, what have I told you?” Lou warned. “My job is on the line too you know!”
Dwight briskly walked away unable to answer with a mouth full of donut.
“If Beau Bruger doesn’t show up soon we’re going to have to take his disappearance seriously,” Merlot insisted.
Sure this could be for real, Lou thought, but her trusty gut was telling her that Beau’s disappearance was just a hoax. She gave Merlot a thoughtful glance. It was better than looking at Virgil. She didn’t trust herself.
“He’ll show up and when he does he’ll say Bigfoot took him.” Lou shrugged her shoulders, “Or that aliens abducted him.”
“You can be that sure?” Virgil asked in his regulation, matter-of-fact voice.
“I’m one-hundred
percent sure, Agent Tuckerwood. This is just one of his many little pranks,” Lou declared, giving him an icy stare.
“For now we tend to agree.” Virgil paused, looking thoughtful. “Does Duane still live with his old man out at that cabin?”
Lou nodded yes. She frowned, not liking the way the conversation was going. Virgil couldn’t possibly think that Duane was hiding Beau up at his father’s place.
“What of it?” Lou asked somewhat nervously.
“It’s a perfect place to hide Beau,” Virgil said with a smirk.
Lou gave Virgil a curious glance. What was he up to? Of course, he could be right in thinking that Duane was in on Beau’s little joke. If there was one thing Duane liked it was a good prank. But nevertheless, she didn’t think Duane was involved. This case seemed different somehow, especially now that the FBI was involved.
Merlot joined in on the conversation. “Your report states, there’s a possibility Beau might have been attacked by a grizzly … but you haven’t found any trace of an animal attack where he was last seen.”
“That’s correct. Mocking Bird did a thorough investigation of the area and found nothing to support that scenario.”
“This Mocking Bird ….” Merlot couldn’t help grinning as she said his name. “…. Is the local crypto-zoologist? I take it he knows his business … I mean, he’s only a teenager?”
“He’s the only crypto in town.” Lou gave a furtive glance towards the man who had broken her heart. Why did they have to send him? Damn it! But he was just as good looking as the day he left, he just needed to get out of those clothes, let the stubble grow a tad and loosen up a whole lot.
Get a grip, Lou urged. No, no, no, don’t even think it. It’s over. You’d have fallen apart if Duane hadn’t been there like a brother. Not like Virgil Tuckerwood, the heartless bastard. She more than ever felt like taking a swipe at him and knew if he stayed much longer in town, she’d do just that.
Merlot found her gaze wandering around the office to the board on the wall behind her partner’s head. Pinned to the board were six color photographs. Two time-coded pairs of shots displayed a bath completely fouled with clumps of fur and brown gooey stuff. One pair of shots displayed a shower cubicle completely matted with clumps of fur and the same brown goo everywhere. The first toilet rim was empty. The second had an uneaten donut on it. The last shot had a donut with a bite out of it. She grimaced at the crime scenes luridly on display, thinking, how could anyone eat on the pan?
Merlot was curious, “Uh … I’m curious about those photos.”
Lou looked relieved by the question. She blew out her cheeks as she glanced at the crime scene photos. “Believe it or not … they’re evidence of a ….” She cleared her throat, “…. A serial case … The Phantom Bigfoot Bather Case. They’re what you might call crime scene photos.”
Virgil turned sideways to look at the photos. “Yuck … food on the toilet!” Disgust etched his face. “That’s disgusting!” And that’s exactly how he felt — disgust at his leaving her without a word. He wondered when would be the right moment to broach the all-important subject — the real reason he was back in town — that damned letter. Who sent the letter and who was she thinking of marrying? Now was obviously not the time to ask.
Virgil sipped his coffee and admired Lou’s stunning looks. She had barely aged a day. His hand shook with the memory of their first kiss. Guilt soaked his shirt which stuck to his back like a second skin.
“Precisely,” Lou said. “Someone is entering our homes.” She looked a little sheepish. “Which is kinda easy, as most don’t lock up at night … and uses the facilities. There’ve been three such incidents so far. The perp leaves clumps of fur all over the place and remains of a donut … and a smell that’s so bad … and when I say bad … I’m not joking. After every crime scene, we have to wash all our clothing in industrial-strength detergent and still it lingers … then shower using a strong solution of fresh lemon juice … but that doesn’t really help … nothing does.”
“Sounds the sort of thing a teenager like Duane would do,” Virgil said. A flashing image of Duane catching a massive steelhead, under his supervision, caused his eyes to tear up. Again, his guilt oozed from every pore, making him most uncomfortable. Perhaps he deserved it. The Rock!
“Yeah, it sure does,” Lou agreed. “Since you’ve been away … Duane has made a name for himself as the town prankster.”
“This Duane character is popping up like a red flag,” Merlot commented. “Any proof it’s him?”
“No proof and no reliable witnesses,” Lou replied with a sigh. “We’ve had the fur analyzed from the first two crime scenes … and it has been ascertained it’s not fur and it’s not exactly human hair either. It’s been contaminated each time, but there are those who think they’re Bigfoot hairs due to the large, muddy footprints found all about the place.” She cleared her throat, “As for the smell … well it’s not as if we can analyze that.”
“No such thing as Bigfoot,” Virgil declared. Deep down he wanted to believe they existed as it would prove his world was all screwed up without her at his side.
“Well, what we know so far is nothing … a big fat Bigfoot nothing.” Lou paused for a moment then added, “I’ve searched the Dexter cabin for anything to link him to the crime, but it was clean … if you can call that place clean.” She wrinkled her nose.
Virgil shook his head. “Duane’s smart for such a dumbass.” He frowned, “What about his old man … has he been questioned?” He stared at Lou. “I remember Sam on more than one occasion dressing up as Bigfoot and howling his head off in the woods. The guy was all the way nuts.” More than anything right then, he wanted to go fishing with Duane and reminisce. No! The Rock!
Lou looked troubled. “Strange you asked that Agent Tuckerwood … but it’s been a long while since I’ve seen Sam.”
“How come no one’s seen this Duane character do it?” Merlot had a fit of the giggles. “Sorry … but this is just too much.” Merlot cleared her throat, “I like the name Phantom Bigfoot … who thought that up?”
“That’s a good question, Agent Merlot,” Lou replied somewhat irritated. “MB works for his parents’ newspaper, The Busy Beaverite. He thought up the name Phantom Bigfoot Bather … now it’s stuck.”
“And that’s why Jack the Ripper continued his crime spree … the press made him famous,” Virgil chipped in. He didn’t look amused. But he so wanted to laugh. More than that, he wanted to bone Lou right there on her desk. The Rock!
Duane picked up Lou’s negative feelings. She was thinking — “Trust you to come up with that, Agent Fuckerwood”. Now she was real pissed at him for being a smart-ass as well as a hard-ass and heartless bastard. The thought of reconciliation seemed impossible right then.
Duane was by now thoroughly bored senseless, but immensely relieved the investigation had been directed away from his father. That was a close call. He would be up shit creek if they decided to visit his cabin and do a thorough search and insist on talking to his old man.
It occurred to him Lou would be taking the agents to look at the crime scene pretty soon. He had a sudden mischievous thought and grinned.
Chapter 21
The Big X
WITH MISCHIEF IN mind, Duane arrived at Little Beaver and wasn’t at all surprised to see MB’s Cherokee parked there. Duane got a clear image of MB sitting on his camping stool listening to the forest wildlife and soaking up his surroundings, something he often liked to do when the mood took him.
Still in his Bigfoot duds, Duane propped the hog next to the Cherokee and jumped off. He sauntered off to join his friend before the Feds and Lou arrived.
While Duane and MB waited, they passed the time at Little Beaver Picnic Area watching and listening to the sights and sounds of the forest surrounding them. Duane so wanted to tell MB his big Bigfoot secret, but now was not the time.
To most people, the only clear sign of the teenagers’ camp at the picnic area was the remnants o
f their campfire.
MB got up and sauntered over to the campfire now lifeless. With his keen, skilled eye, he knew what else to look for. He noted the footprints left by the teenagers and the ring of bare foot stomping imprints around the fire. Chad said a Bigfoot had boogied around the fire that night, but the prints just weren’t that big.
MB glanced at Duane and saw the big grin and the twinkle in his eyes that told him his friend was up to something.
“Okay dude, you gonna spill or what?”
“Don’t look at me, MB, I don’t have anything to do with this … honest!”
“Yeah, right, like I’m gonna believe you. This is right up your alley … just like the other night.”
“What about the other night?” Duane asked, innocently.
“Don’t give me that innocent act, Duane … I saw you at the Doodles with someone else dressed as Bigfoot,” MB said, “My guess would be Annie.”
“How do you know it was me?”
“Coz I saw you take your Bigfoot head off to wipe sweat from your face.”
“Why didn’t you report that in your paper, then?” Duane asked with a cheeky grin.
“You know why, dumbass … Chief Mocking Bird is no snitch.” MB chuckled and returned his attention to the campfire.
MB spotted the flattened grass where they had pitched tent. Even knew where they had sat around the fire. He smirked at the yellow crime scene tape at the spot where Beau had gone to take a leak — The Big X.
“Chad said it was a female Bigfoot,” MB pressed.
“No, he said it was some female dressed as a Bigfoot.” Duane gave MB his best I’m innocent smirk and could tell it hadn’t worked.
“They should be here by now.” MB sighed and sat back on his camping stool next to Duane sprawled on the grass like a lounge lizard. MB tried to recall what Chad had said, and couldn’t remember him saying the Bigfoot was a mockup.
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