FIERCE: Sixteen Authors of Fantasy

by Mercedes Lackey

  I stood and pushed past him on my way back to the window, cutting him off. I managed to keep control of my voice, but I didn’t want him to see the foolish tears blurring my vision. It shouldn’t have mattered. I shouldn’t have cared what he was, as long as he helped me.

  I’d known that he killed people, but that had somehow disappeared under everything else that had happened. This was bigger than I’d realized, more horrifying. The lack of emotion in his voice as he spoke about it gave me chills.

  “I just don’t want you to see me as something else and be hurt by it,” he added. “I’m not proud of what I am.”

  I laughed, and the sharp noise that came out was completely unfamiliar to me. “You’re not sorry, though, are you?”

  His reflection appeared in the window next to mine, then grew smaller as he withdrew to the sofa. “For a long time, I wasn’t. It felt good to be appreciated by Severn after years of being ignored by everyone, to have something I was really good at, to be serving my family the way I was brought up to. But I also hated myself for letting Severn use me, though I don’t know what I could have done differently. There was no way out. When Dorset Langley shot me, I thought that perhaps dying wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to me. Then you came, and I had no choice but to live…”

  “And what?”

  “I don’t know. Your magic reminded me of things I’d tried to forget. Broke me, somehow.”

  I leaned my head against the window, then stepped back and closed the curtains in case anyone could see the light from outside. I turned back to him. “And then you left me alone. And when you were surprised to see me on the road that day, you decided to help? I don’t understand.”

  “Rowan… No.” He leaned forward and pressed his face into his hands. “Yes, I was surprised to see you. But that’s only because I thought we’d find you at Stone Ridge. We were on our way to take you in. I’d told Severn about you. I had every intention of letting him have you, because that was the best thing for me, because it would help me get ahead. That’s who I am.”

  It felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn’t speak. “So up until the last minute…”

  “Yes. I’m sorry.” There seemed to be genuine remorse in his eyes when he looked up. “It was wrong—”

  I didn’t care about his remorse. “You’re damned right it was wrong!”

  “—and I realized that as soon as I saw you. You don’t know how difficult it was for me to walk off that ship with you. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and at the time I didn’t even understand why I was doing it.” His voice was growing louder. Agitated. Perhaps angry.

  “And now I’m what to you?” I demanded. “A suicide mission? An attempt to make you feel better about yourself, or to find some kind of redemption before your brother kills you?”

  “No, it’s not like that.” He looked up, and I turned away.

  “I meant what I said earlier,” he said. “I like you. I wish my life was like the past few days have been, maybe minus being chased by people who want to kill us. It’s been good to get away from what my life was, and better because you’ve given me something else to focus on. But it’s still there. That’s still who I am, and it’s not fair to you for me to pretend that I’m something I’m not.”

  That bitter laugh escaped me again. “Nothing about this is fair,” I said, fighting to keep my voice even. My insides churned with anger at his willingness to hurt innocent people, disappointment that he wasn’t who I’d come to think he was, and embarrassment for the fact that I’d been stupid enough to care. “Sleep wherever you want, just leave me alone.”

  I didn’t mean to slam the bedroom door. It just happened. And for the first time since the start of the whole adventure, I cried myself to sleep.

  That night I dreamed that a dragon was chasing me. Not Ruby. This one was much darker than her, and cloaked in shadows. I ran, but its glowing eyes came closer with every step I took. A wooden bridge appeared in front of me, spanning a dark canyon. The boards looked rotten, but the hot breath on the back of my neck forced me forward. The dragon stopped its chase, but the bridge gave out under my weight, and I fell.

  And then I was dancing. My dance partner was taller than me, dressed all in black. His hand rested lightly on the waist of my blood-red dress, pulling me close as we moved together. The dance was perfect, but wild, fast and spinning and thrilling. It was nothing like real life, where I had trouble finding the beat of the music and my feet always seemed to get in each other’s way. We moved through a crowd of people, all faceless, none of them important, none of them as real as my dance partner. My heart beat wildly, and every inch of my body seemed more alive than it had ever been. The soft fabric of my dress caressed me with every movement, and my skin tingled where my partner’s body pressed against me.

  I pulled back and lifted my face to see Aren looking down at me, his expression as unreadable as I’d ever seen it. The music stopped, and he walked away.

  I tried to follow, but those faceless people kept getting in my way, bumping into me and turning me around. Someone grabbed my arm. It was Callum, smiling and trying to take me back to the dance floor. I knew I was supposed to be relieved to see him, that I should want to dance with him again, but I kept looking over my shoulder hoping that Aren would come back and cut in.

  Callum kissed me. It was sweet. It was nice, and it felt safe. But for some reason I wished I was still being chased by that dragon.

  Sunrise found me wearing an old pair of coveralls and too-large rain boots, cleaning the chicken coop and searching for fresh eggs. I hadn’t slept well after the strange dreams, and I thought that focusing on a simple task might give my mind enough space to sort things out. The conflict in my brain was only making the pain in my head worse. The stink in the coop didn’t help, either, but there was only one thing I could do about that.

  Three chickens flapped past me and out the door when they woke, but a brown-feathered hen stayed on her nest, eyeing me warily. She gave a warning squawk when I tried to reach under her. Broody. I left her and went back to work.

  “It’s so stupid, isn’t it?” I asked her. “I knew what he was. Is. I saw him control people at the inn. I’ve heard stories about his family.” The hen shifted and fluffed her feathers, but gave me no answer.

  I set the rake down and leaned on the handle. “It’s just that in the past few days, I forgot about that. I knew it, but it didn’t seem to fit him anymore. When I used to wish for adventure, when I wanted to learn about magic and see more of the world, I never imagined it happening with someone like him. He’s interesting, sure. And he has these moments when he seems like a decent person, and like maybe he sees me as more than a problem, or a secret Sorceress. He said he likes me.”

  “Brrrrrrk?”

  “Not like that. I don’t know what that dream was about.” I squeezed my eyes shut to chase away the lingering images. “But I was starting to think of him as a friend, I guess. Or at least someone I could trust. Then he reminds me he’s actually a remorseless killer who forces his way into people’s minds and turns them into monsters, just in case I forgot that. I mean, even in the past few days he’s killed people, and with no more remorse than you’d show for killing a mouse. Oh, and by the way, he was also planning to kidnap me so his brother could do God knows what to me. And this after I saved his life.” I sighed. “I don’t want to stay with someone like that. Staying is a bad decision. Isn’t it?”

  He’d help me if I wanted to leave. He’d draw me a map to the nearest town, or maybe help me find the Wanderers again. He’d probably take me there, even knowing how dangerous it would be.

  “And that’s the problem, isn’t it?” I said, and got back to work turning over dirty bedding. “I still don’t think he is a monster. Or if he is, he’s changing. He helped me get away from Severn and whatever was supposed to happen to me in Luid. He gave up everything. I don’t know. I believe him when he says he’s not a good guy. He’s definitely not prin
ce charming. Not that I’d want him to be, mind you.”

  The hen let out a flurry of clucking noises and stretched her neck toward the window.

  “Oh, what do you know? You’re a chicken.” I set down a fresh layer of straw over the old. The mess below it still didn’t smell appetizing, but it would keep the chickens warm. I lowered my voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Yes, he’s very attractive, and sometimes I get this feeling like there’s something between us. He can be so charming when he wants to be, but I can’t trust that, can I? That’s what he does. He manipulates people.”

  I forced myself to think rationally and tried to forget about those gorgeous brown eyes. “It doesn’t matter what he looks like, or that being around him makes me feel good, at least when I’m not mad at him. He’s going to help me get this binding thing taken care of, he’ll have done what he promised, and then we’ll go our separate ways. Nothing else makes sense.”

  The chicken just watched me with those dark, beady eyes, showing no sign that she cared either way. I sighed. “I miss Aquila. He was a better listener.”

  I didn’t feel any better for having talked things out, but I thought I was closer to making a decision. There was one thing I needed to know, that would decide whether I could stay with Aren. I stripped off the coveralls, washed up in the freezing water from the outdoor pump, found a few eggs that were fresh enough to eat, and went back inside.

  Aren was still asleep when I passed through the sitting room. I’d been pleased earlier to see that he’d taken my advice and slept as a human after all. He didn’t look comfortable sprawled on the sofa with a light blanket pulled over him, but at least he was getting some rest. It was a good thing no one had sneaked up on us during the night. He didn’t even seem to hear the door open.

  The smell of eggs frying and bread toasting soon woke him, though. He stood and stretched, and the cracking noise from his spine made me wince. Definitely needs a proper bed tonight, I thought.

  The main room had grown warm overnight with the wood stove and the fireplace burning. Aren wore soft sleep pants, but no shirt. I tried not to stare at the lines of his bare chest and stomach when he stood and folded the blanket onto the sofa. Not like that, remember? He pulled a shirt on before he turned to go down the back hallway, and I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. I couldn’t remember ever having so many confused feelings about one person.

  Breakfast was ready when he came back and sat at the table. His hair was a mess, there was a faint line across his cheek from the folded blanket he’d used as a pillow… and he looked way too good. I turned away and went back to get the food.

  Who cares what he looks like?

  He smiled tentatively when I brought his plate over. “Thanks.”

  “Yeah. I mean, you’re welcome.” I sat across from him. “I’m going to ask you something, and you need to answer me honestly, even if you think it’s not what I want to hear. No tricks, no side-stepping, no vague responses that I can interpret as I choose. Can you do that?”

  “You know me too well.”

  “Can you?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “When all of this is over, what are you going to do?”

  He raised one eyebrow. Maybe he’d been expecting a different question. “I suppose that depends on what you mean by ‘all of this,’ and even more on how it actually ends.”

  “Would you go back to your old life if that were possible?”

  “It wouldn’t be. But if in some other world Severn were willing to forgive me and let things go back to the way they were, rights and privileges reinstated, all is forgotten?”

  I nodded, not wanting to speak and risk saying the wrong thing.

  He looked down at his plate, thinking. I sipped my tea.

  “No.” He looked up. “No, I wouldn’t.”

  “Why? You went back after you left Stone Ridge. You were going to betray me. Why not now?”

  He took a sip of his own drink, but his eyes never left mine. “I don’t think I could. When I went back, I just wanted to forget about you. That was the plan. But then Severn made me tell him about you, and I’m ashamed to say that I turned you in to protect my own ass.” He lowered his gaze. “I think I was trying to prove something to myself, too. That I was strong enough to do what needed to be done, for Severn and Tyrea. And as much as I hated how much control Severn had over me, and the person he was turning me into, I did have a lot to protect. Family obligations aside, I had a good life in Luid.”

  He reached up to rub the back of his neck. He seemed less certain and confident than I’d ever seen him. I stirred my tea, not wanting to push him to finish even as the waiting tore me apart. “But as I’ve spent more time away from that life,” he continued, “I’ve realized that it was killing me. I meant everything I said last night. I’m not a good person. But I hate what I’ve become. I thought the part of me that cared about what happened to you was weak. I’ve spent years trying to crush it. But I’m starting to think that maybe it’s worth hanging on to. If I went home again, the part of me that has appreciated your kindness and tried to keep you safe would die. I would become everything Severn was trying to make me. And I don’t want that.”

  He looked up again and tried to smile, but it fell flat. “I think I’ve realized that I’d rather have a short life, even if it’s spent like this, than live hundreds of years the way I was before.”

  I realized I’d been holding my breath, and let it out in a long sigh. “Good answer.”

  He cleared his throat as hint of color touched his cheeks. “Thank you.”

  We were silent for a minute, eating, and then the corners of his mouth twitched. “What would you have done if I’d said, ‘no, I can’t go back, because I plan to run away with you to a far-off land and live happily ever after?’”

  I nearly choked on my eggs, then stared at him for a few seconds. I smiled sweetly. “Before, or after I ran outside and vomited?”

  He leaned back in his chair and gave me that smile that creased the skin beside his eyes and set my heart pounding. “Excellent. You are as wise as you are beautiful.” I reached up to touch my pulled back, tangled hair and wondered how exactly I was supposed to take that.

  After the food was gone and we took our dishes to the kitchen, Aren asked, “How did you sleep last night?”

  “Fine. Strange dreams, but that’s normal for me.”

  “That’s good. I didn’t think it would be a problem.”

  “That what would be a problem? My dreams?”

  “No, mine. You’ve never asked how I make people do things.”

  I poured a cup of drinking water and went to sit on a soft armchair. “You didn’t say much about your magic or how you changed forms. I assumed you didn’t want to talk about those things.”

  He took a seat close to me. “I don’t, but you should know. It’s something like pulling a person into a dream, but they’re not asleep. It’s difficult to do it when I’m awake, but when I’m sleeping it sometimes happens on its own, and I find myself in people’s dreams. Accidentally. I’ve never hurt or influenced anyone that way, but most people don’t want others to know what they dream about. After Dan found out about it, my brothers all refused to sleep anywhere near me. It’s the reason why Severn suggested I learn to control people’s minds. He knew I had a gift that could be developed.”

  “Does that always happen?” Not a pleasant thought, given my dreams last night. I took a long sip of cold water.

  “No. I don’t know if you’d even be affected. Your magic may protect your dreams, as it does your waking thoughts. I don’t think I could get inside of you if I tried to.”

  I choked on my water, nearly spitting it out.

  Aren held back a smile. “Your mind, I mean.”

  The silence dragged on for longer than I meant it to. “Well. Good to know you weren’t just changing at night because you were sick of me. You didn’t dream about dancing last night, did you?”

  “Dancing? No.�
�� His smile disappeared. “But sometimes it’s best if I don’t dream, anyway.” He stood and went to wash the dishes, and I left him to it. I had more questions, but I also had a lot of answers to digest. It felt like there were mysteries buried in everything he said, and for once I needed a break as much as he did. I decided to do more exploring.

  The upstairs wardrobes were filled with clothing, both men’s and women’s. Mostly summer things, but I found some sweaters, thick pants and a wool skirt on a high shelf, set away for the cold days that must have come to a northern lake even during the hottest months. I didn’t find anything in the bedrooms that told me who owned the house, though.

  I was about to go back downstairs with my armload of clothes when Aren called, “I’m going down to the lake to check on something. If you want to go for a swim, you should do it soon. It looks like the snow is coming.” I imagined how cold the lake must be, and shivered.

  “You’re crazy!” I called after him.

  After he was gone, I dug my dragon scale out of the bottom of my bag. I hadn’t thought to look at it since I put it away after we left Ruby’s cave. One of the dragon’s smaller scales, certainly, but larger than my hand. I balanced the curve of it in my palm and admired the way the light reflected off of it, changing the colors as I turned it over. Far more beautiful than any treasure. I set it on the table in the sitting area.

  Next I looked over the books on the shelf. There weren’t many—a few romance stories that must have been someone’s light summer reading, and a “Pictorial Guide to the Flora and Fauna of Glass Lake.” The lowest shelf held a dusty toy horse, a miniature wooden boat, and a heavy volume entitled simply, “Child’s Tales.” I sat in an armchair and rested the book on my crossed legs as I flipped slowly through the stories.