I stepped out the door and away from the sounds of laughter and splashing water, and the sound of music drifted up from the large room. Someone was playing a piano. I’d only ever heard one once before, when my parents took me to meet the youngest son of a wealthy family. His parents had one in the sitting room, and one of their daughters played it for us. I’d been fascinated by the complexity of the music she was able to play, but this was far better. The heavy notes rolled over each other like waves before the music stopped, and then a lighter-sounding song started, something that people might dance to. A woman laughed, and in the silence that followed I heard soft footsteps leaving the room.
I stepped to the edge of the balcony and leaned over the wooden banister to look around. The pattern of the mosaic on the floor was clear from above, still lit by sunlight from the window—a mer woman and man with their tails wrapped around each other. The piano was in the corner beside the window wall, near the banquet table. Aren sat on the bench in front of it, back facing me, shuffling through a thick sheaf of papers. He placed a sheet before him and began playing again. He did it casually, as though there was nothing impressive about it, just something he was doing for a bit of fun. I supposed it was.
I hadn’t even known he liked music. Sometimes it felt like I was getting to know him so well, and then these things happened and reminded me that I really knew nothing at all.
Cassia came out from the balcony carrying more papers. She perched beside Aren, and they looked through the music together. She leaned in and said something as she pointed to one page, and Aren placed it and the few that followed onto the piano and began playing without any false starts or misplaced notes that I could pick out. It sounded familiar, some old song I’d heard back home, but I couldn’t think of the name. Aren said something to Cassia and she laughed, then rested her head on his shoulder.
I turned and went back to my room.
Felicia once told me that she could never be bothered to compare herself to other girls. She was so sure of herself, so certain that she was good enough that anyone would have to be crazy not to like her. I wished I had some of her confidence. True, Aren had wanted me before, but our bond wasn’t as permanent as what Niari had described. He was probably used to having whoever he wanted, and whenever.
It was hard to look at beautiful Cassia, with her alluring curves, her glowing skin and her shiny, perfect hair, and not feel unbearably plain. What was worse, Cassia was interesting and seemed like a gracious and genuinely kind person. I didn’t think I could blame Aren if he wanted to be with her again, now that he had the chance.
You don’t know that’s what’s happening, I scolded myself, and realized that was just the problem. I didn’t know what was happening between him and me, either. He hadn’t given me any reason to think he was mine, had he? He’d said I could stay. He’d kissed me, and more might have happened under other circumstances. Maybe I was reading too much into that.
The mer women were calling for me to come back and find a dress and have my hair done, and to admire a beautiful mother-of-pearl necklace that Niari wore. I’d never enjoyed dressing up and going to parties because I always felt like I had to impress someone, but no one here seemed particularly concerned about that. They were excited to have an excuse to wear beautiful clothes and to make themselves look good, but there was no sense that they were competing.
It seemed impossible. In my world there was always a competition, always someone judging who you were good enough to marry. I decided to go along with it, to try to set my uncertainty about Aren aside for a while and have fun with my new friends.
I joined in the excitement, admiring what everyone else was wearing. When Dianna said a dress looked beautiful on me I said “thank you” instead of deflecting the compliment like I normally would have.
When I looked in the full-length mirror, I saw that she wasn’t wrong. The strapless dress was an incredible peacock-blue that flashed green when I moved. It ignited the red undertones in my hair, and made my gray eyes look almost blue. The fabric wrapped tight at my waist and fell straight from my hips to the floor in folds of rich color. Even before Niari found me a pair of gold shoes that matched the stitching in the dress, and swept my hair back in a sapphire and emerald comb, I felt more beautiful than I ever had before. The girl in the mirror looked like some princess I’d never met, until I smiled and recognized myself.
Cassia came in and dressed in a sleeveless, turquoise dress that came up high in the front and plunged provocatively low in the back. She told me I looked lovely, and she didn’t sound like there was any reason I should think she wasn’t my friend. I told her she looked stunning, and she hugged me.
“Fun, right?” she whispered, and I nodded. I realized that whatever was going on, Cassia had no intention of hurting me. If there was something happening with her and Aren, in her world there was nothing wrong with it. I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t.
Everyone chose a different style and color to wear, and by the time we were all ready, it looked like a rainbow had settled underwater for the evening.
“We find it so interesting that humans allow the females to be the more colorful ones,” Niari said as she slipped on her silver shoes and turned her ankles to admire the reflections from the lamplight. “In most species the male takes that role. It’s certainly fun for us!”
I had to agree. In spite of everything, for this one night it really could be fun to dress up and dance. Trouble still waited on the surface. The morning might bring pain, or difficult decisions. But tonight I was going to enjoy myself no matter what. Hard as it would be, all of the other questions would just have to wait.
Chapter XXIX
Aren
AFTER WE ENTERED THE GROTTO and Cassia dragged Rowan away, Kel showed me to a room beneath the balcony. I was drained, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Though I knew I was as safe in the Grotto as I could be, I couldn’t escape the feeling that I had to stay aware of my surroundings. Perhaps if I hadn’t been so distracted at the lake house, Severn wouldn’t have been able to find us. I couldn’t let go of my awareness as I washed up, and knew Kel was coming before he knocked at the door.
“The elders will see you now.”
Mariana and Arnav waited for me in a small room with an ornate blue carpet and a fire crackling in the marble fireplace. The air was warm, and the chairs comfortable, but the silence that followed their invitation to sit was anything but. I took a seat, but found it impossible to relax.
When I was a child and a guest at the Grotto, the adult merfolk smiled and welcomed me, and they never failed to offer a drink of fresh spring water as soon as I arrived. When I was older they offered wine, but the ritual was the same. It’s a habit for them, essential good manners if one wants a guest to feel welcome.
There were no such offers from the elders this time, though a decanter of blood-red wine and three glasses sat on a table in the corner. That simple omission told me exactly how they saw me: a guest, perhaps, but not a welcome one.
“We didn’t expect to see you here again,” Arnav said at last. He reached up and rubbed his fingers over his gray-streaked beard. He and Mariana looked the same as I remembered them the first time I met them, so many years before.
“I didn’t think I’d be back,” I replied. “I never intended to cause trouble for you or for your people.”
Arnav leaned back in his chair, one ankle crossed over the opposite knee, but Mariana sat straight-backed and tight-lipped. “And yet you came to the lake,” she said.
“I didn’t know where else to find help. Kel told you about Rowan’s situation?”
Mariana nodded. “I’ve just met her. She’s not what I expected, but I agree with Kel’s assessment of her.”
“And me?” I asked.
Neither of the elders answered until they’d exchanged a long glance that would have communicated volumes if I’d reached out to take it in. They’d have felt it if I did, though, and that would be the end of our meeting and any cha
nce I had of staying.
“You’re aware of our thoughts on what you are,” Mariana said, speaking slowly.
Of course I was. It had taken me years to understand that I was a monster to them, an unnatural creation born of generations of careful breeding designed to create the strongest magical gifts possible. Merfolk revere magic, but they fear the way humans use it, our recklessness and greed. If they cared for me when I was a child, it was the way one might love a bear cub. I was a dangerous pet that they knew would show its teeth eventually.
“I’ve never used magic against any of you.”
“You have used it against others of your own kind,” Arnav said. He leaned forward. “This is not something easily overlooked by our people. To reach into a man’s innermost thoughts, to manipulate his emotions and desires, to make him into a puppet…”
“It’s unnatural,” Mariana concluded.
She didn’t use the word lightly. Unnatural means to merfolk what unholy means to humans. Abominable. Unthinkable. Unforgivable.
“Your very existence is unnatural, to an extent, but that is not something that you chose. You did, however, choose how you’ve directed your abilities.” She stood and walked toward the table in the corner.
I glanced at Arnav. He was watching me, frowning slightly, but not showing the anger that burned like poison in Mariana’s voice.
My own anger responded to hers, stoked by my pride. You know nothing about me, I thought. You have no right to insult me. I wanted to answer her, to make her understand exactly who she was speaking to, to remind her of everything I could have done to her people but hadn’t. I wondered what she and Arnav would think of me if I told them secrets they’d never heard from my childhood. About how I’d brought my dog’s body back to life after my brother killed it, and how I sent it after him, fueled by my magic and my pain.
If they were going to hate me and fear me, they might as well have a good reason. I wasn’t raised to bear insults without pushing back.
Perhaps I would have said something if I’d been alone, with nothing to lose. Instead I looked toward the fire, and I pushed the rage back down. I forced my jaw to unclench before I spoke, and reminded myself that these people might help Rowan.
They were waiting, both of them. Mariana poured two glasses of wine, then stood motionless beside the spindle-legged table. I realized that they were testing me. That meant there was a chance I could stay, if I responded correctly.
“I don’t know whether an apology is appropriate,” I began, “as I haven’t caused you any harm. I can tell you that I have no desire to continue using my magic to hurt people, though I have no plans to give up using it entirely. I can promise again that I will never use magic to harm one of your people. Or I can leave, if that’s what you want. I don’t know whether Rowan will stay. That will be her choice. I hope she will, if you think you might help her.”
Another long glance between them, and a nod from Mariana. She poured the third glass of wine, and the tension in her posture eased. “That won’t be necessary,” she said. “You may stay, for now. It would be a shame for us to lose Rowan. We might gain valuable knowledge by studying her situation. And we wish to help her, of course.”
I accepted the wine, and we drank together.
“We believe you when you say that you desire change,” Arnav said after Mariana sat again. “We wonder whether you understand how difficult it will be.”
“I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that for long. Severn’s already found me once.”
“Nevertheless, it bears consideration,” Mariana continued. Her expression had softened. “You are giving up everything you’ve been taught was important, the things you take pride in. You will have to learn again who you are, decide for yourself what it is that you value, what you live for when your family isn’t all that you have and are. These choices will be tested. You will be tempted to return to your old ways. Have you thought about any of this?”
“No,” I admitted. “Right now my concern is finishing what I’ve started with Rowan. Getting her the help she needs. Making sure she’ll be okay later.”
Mariana tapped a long fingernail on the side of her glass. “We will help as we can with that,” she said, “and we wish you well with what comes after, though you understand we can’t remain involved. You may stay here with Rowan for the time being. You should go and rest now, before the party.”
I stood to leave. “Thank you.” I sensed that things were not entirely settled, that I would still be watched carefully, but it was enough.
“One other thing,” Arnav said as I turned away. “Do you still play?”
I wandered past the humans and merfolk who were setting up for the banquet and down one of the winding, downward-sloping hallways that led to the saltwater pools. Each pool connected to open water, a doorway to the merfolk’s ocean world. I settled onto a comfortable stone bench and closed my eyes.
“Do you want to be alone?” Kel’s voice. I shook my head without opening my eyes, and he sat beside me. “They found out what happened to Rowan in the lake.”
It took me a moment to think of what he was talking about. Those moments of panic seemed insignificant compared with everything that had followed. “Did they, now?”
“Nobody you know, not from this community. He didn’t intend to kill her, just to frighten you off. He had no right to be there, anyway. We took care of it.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t ask for details. Though the merfolk were kind and generous to their friends, they dealt with enemies as coldly and efficiently as my own family did.
“Did they ask you about Rowan?”
“They already knew what you told them.” I opened my eyes to watch the light dancing on the ceiling.
Kel slouched lower in the seat and stretched out his legs. “There were things I couldn’t tell them, though. Like why she wasn’t going to come here without you.”
“Your curiosity is going to get you hurt some day.”
He just shrugged and waited for me to go on.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I told her to come and not to worry about me, and she said no, and I said she could stay.”
“She cares for you.”
“She seems to.” I tried not to be happy about that. “It doesn’t make much sense, does it? She knows enough about me that she shouldn’t.”
“And what about you? What are your feelings for her?”
That word made me uncomfortable, and Kel knew it. I remembered what my father told me not long after my mother died, and what Severn repeated after Mona and John were executed. We don’t feel. We think, we do. We have, we are. It was a lie, of course. We felt pride, and pleasure, and disgust, and a thousand other things. But never what Kel was suggesting. Even now, I wouldn’t let myself think about her in those terms. Wouldn’t give in.
“If I cared for her very much I suppose I’d have made her leave with you to keep her safe, wouldn’t I? I could have lied, could have told her she was more trouble than she was worth, that I’d be better off without her.”
“You could have said that you didn’t want her.”
“Exactly.”
“But you didn’t want to hurt her.”
“No. I could have, though. She’d have been better off. Wanting her to stay with me was selfish.”
Kel was silent for several minutes, but I was done talking.
“Do you think she’s stupid?” he asked.
“No. She’s got more brains in her head than I gave her credit for when she agreed to marry that muscle-headed magic hunter.”
Kel laughed. “I wouldn’t judge that decision too harshly. She hadn’t met you yet.”
“Kel…”
“You told her the truth, or as much of it as you were capable of, and you let her do what she judged was best. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s probably better than her own people ever offered her.”
“Good. So I respect her as an intelligent person. I like her. I enjoy her company. Is that good e
nough for you?”
“You find her attractive.”
“Who wouldn’t?”
Kel turned to me. “If you had moved on from the lake together instead of coming here, you would have done whatever you could to keep her safe and find help for her.”
“Yes.”
“And you could walk away from this right now?”
“If I had to.”
“Really?” He didn’t seem surprised by my answer, but it was clear that he didn’t believe me.
“Could and will if it comes to that. Kel, I know what you want this to be, and it can’t. I just want to see this through, whatever it takes.”
He stood. “I have to say that this is rather disappointing. You humans have no idea how fortunate you are. I know it makes me unusual among my people, but I would give almost anything to have what I see when she looks at you, and you at her. I can’t have that, but I want it. You can, and you push it away because you’re afraid.”
“I’m not afraid.”
“No, you’re not allowed to be, are you?”
A small girl in a pink dress raced into the room and tripped over her own feet as she passed Kel. He scooped her up before she could hit the floor.
“Slow down, speedy,” he said. “New legs are hard to work, and they’re no good around water.” He set the child down and pointed her toward the door she’d come in, and she raced off like a re-directed wind-up toy. He turned back to me. “Aren, you can have your family’s stupid pride, or you can have Rowan. Don’t expect to have both. She deserves better than that.”
He followed the little girl out of the room. I gave him a few minutes’ head start, then went back to the main hall. Cassia stood near a seating area by the window, looking up toward the sunlight that cut through the water in hazy beams. She turned and smiled as I stopped beside her.
“If you’re going to ask me anything about my meeting with the elders, or anything else that’s happened in the past few months,” I said, “I’d rather not.”
FIERCE: Sixteen Authors of Fantasy Page 170
