The Land of Stories--Worlds Collide

by Chris Colfer

  His realization made the Tin Woodman feel like he was seeing the world for the first time. He was so overwhelmed, tears filled his eyes—but he couldn’t get emotional and rust. He needed to save himself from the Queen of Hearts so his new life could begin.

  “Wait!” the Tin Woodman said. “If you’re so fascinated by my head, you should see my heart.”

  “Stupid man,” the queen said. “You just said you didn’t have one—now you want me to look at it?”

  “I was mistaken,” he said. “You may be the Queen of Hearts, but I guarantee you’ve never seen a heart like mine before.”

  The Tin Woodman had captured the queen’s attention, and she raised a curious eyebrow.

  “Very well, before I cut off your head, I’ll have a look at your heart,” she said. “Turn him over!”

  The card soldiers pulled the Tin Woodman up and turned him on his back. The Queen of Hearts leaned over his metal torso and yanked open the small door in his chest. To her horror, the queen didn’t find a heart at all, but a tiny little woman standing inside him!

  “BOOOOO!” Trollbella screamed.

  “AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” the Queen of Hearts screamed.

  The queen was so stunned, she dropped the Tin Woodman’s axe and stumbled backward. The soldiers pinning the Tin Woodman quickly went to help the queen. Trollbella jumped to the ground, retrieved the axe, and tossed it to the Tin Woodman once he was on his feet. The Queen of Hearts roared with anger and pointed her finger at the unlikely duo.

  “SEIZE THEM AT ONCE!” she yelled. “AND OFF WITH BOTH THEIR HEEAAA—”

  Before the Queen of Hearts could finish her sentence, the Tin Woodman swung his axe with all his might and chopped the queen’s head off. Again, just as with the other literary villains, the only thing that spewed out of her body was words. All the adjectives, adverbs, verbs, and nouns Lewis Carroll used to describe the unpleasant monarch sprayed out of the queen’s neck. Eventually, the words dried up and the Queen of Hearts’ dismembered body disappeared.

  “He’s murdered our queen!” a card soldier shouted.

  “He’ll pay for this!” shouted another.

  The card soldiers charged toward the Tin Woodman and Trollbella, but just as they were about to be pierced by the soldiers’ weapons, everyone in the park was suddenly distracted by a bright light in the sky. The Tin Woodman and Trollbella looked up and saw that the BASK-8 had finally arrived!

  The Cyborg Queen and Commander Newters observed the park from the window of the Command Bridge.

  “I believe this is the park we’ve been looking for, Your Majesty,” Commander Newters said. “Oh yes, this is definitely Washington Square Park, I can see it’s filled with the boxy soldiers we agreed to defeat.”

  “This city has more square parks than all my planets combined,” the Cyborg Queen said. “Anyhoo, I can see we’re a little tardy. Send the Cyborgs to assist the metallic lumberjack and his vertically challenged friend.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Commander Newters said, and turned to the Cyborg soldiers. “You heard the queen—to the park!”

  A wide door opened across the Bask-8’s belly, and thousands of Cyborgs glided into Washington Square Park. They descended using jetpacks, Hoverboards, and personal propellers. Before engaging in combat, the Cyborgs’ first order of business was to transport the Tin Woodman and Trollbella to the top of the Washington Square Arch. Once they were safe, the Cyborgs wreaked havoc on the card soldiers.

  The Wonderland natives were skilled fighters, but they were no match for the Cyborgs’ laser guns, gamma bombs, and rocket launchers. It wasn’t long before the cards surrendered and were taken aboard the BASK-8 as the Cyborgs’ prisoners.

  As the battle ended, the Tin Woodman sat on the edge of the tall arch and let out a big sigh.

  “What’s wrong?” Trollbella asked.

  “I’ve always been hollow, but for the first time in my life I feel truly empty inside,” the Tin Woodman said. “I always thought a heart would fill the void, but now that I know I’ve had one all along, I’m not sure what to do with myself.”

  The Tin Woodman’s dilemma was Trollbella’s dream come true. She stared in wonder at the most beautiful sight she had ever seen: an emotionally mature, vulnerable, and needy man. The Troblin Queen had a seat beside the Tin Woodman and longingly gazed up at him, batting her eyes.

  “You know, I fit perfectly inside your chest,” she remarked. “Perhaps I’m the heart you’ve been searching for.”

  Trollbella put her tiny hand into his and rested her horns on his shoulder. In that moment the Tin Woodman was certain he had a heart, because the troll girl’s touch made him blush.

  Rat Mary and the witches flew through New York City as erratically as possible, but nothing threw off their determined followers. Lester, Jack, and Goldilocks soared after the witches as they dangerously zigzagged between buildings, looped around skyscrapers, and dived under bridges. Absolutely nothing was going to stop the daring parents from retrieving their son.

  Lester was gaining more and more ground with each passing second. Soon they were in reaching distance of the bristles on the last witch’s broom.

  “I’ve got an idea,” Jack told his wife and the gander. “We’ll follow the witches to that cluster of buildings in the distance, but when we get there, we’ll go around that green tower and cut them off before they reach the—”

  Before Jack could finish unripping his plan, Goldilocks sprang into action with a plan of her own. She leaped off Lester’s back and landed on the broomstick of the closest witch. Goldilocks fought the witch for control of the broom. Just as the witch was about to zap her with a magic spell, Goldilocks punched the witch in the face, and she landed in the East River.

  Goldilocks gripped the broomstick tightly with both hands. She had never ridden on a witch’s broom before, and it took her a moment to figure out how to work it. She was pleasantly surprised to learn that riding a magic broomstick was very similar to riding a horse. When she leaned forward, the broom zoomed ahead, and when she pulled up on the handle, the broom slowed down. Once she felt confident, she turned to Jack and Lester flying beside her and filled them in on her plan.

  “I’m going to work my way to the front of the witches,” she told them. “Then I’m going to hop aboard Rat Mary’s broom and get Hero.”

  “Be careful, Goldie!” Jack said.

  “Careful never got me anywhere,” she said with a wink.

  The courageous mother leaned forward, and the broomstick’s speed gradually increased. As she flew past the witches, Goldilocks did whatever she could to knock them out of the sky. She slammed into them and shoved them off their brooms, she pulled the witches’ hair so they’d fall backward into the city, and she kicked their brooms’ handles and sent them spinning out of control. Finally, the only ones left in the flying procession were Goldilocks, Rat Mary, and Hero.

  Goldilocks snuck up right behind Rat Mary’s broom, then jumped off her own and landed beside the witch.

  “Give me back my son!” she demanded.

  “Why do breeders get so attached to their young?” Rat Mary screeched. “You can just make another one, you know!”

  The witch twisted and looped through the air, she dipped and made sharp turns, she even flew upside down at one point—but nothing knocked Goldilocks off the broom. The vigorous movement only rocked Hero to sleep.

  “Gosh, you’re relentless!” Rat Mary said. “Here! Just take the little rug rat! I’ll find another one!”

  The witch sliced the strap of the BabyBjörn with her sharp fingernail. The contraption slid off the witch’s body and fell toward the ground with Hero inside it. Goldilocks dived off Rat Mary’s broomstick and caught her son in midair. The mother and child fell thousands of feet through the air. A few seconds before they would have hit the ground, Lester swooped under them and they landed safely in Jack’s arms.

  “Curses!” Rat Mary said. “I was hoping for a splat!”

  Ironically, the witch wa
sn’t watching where she was going and slammed headfirst into the Flatiron Building. The messy impact made one thing abundantly clear: Rat Mary’s kid-snatching, broom-riding, potion-brewing days were over.

  Jack and Goldilocks were overjoyed to finally have Hero back in their arms. The happy couple embraced their newborn son, and Lester carried the reunited family back toward Central Park to find their friends.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  TIMES SQUARE SQUARE-OFF

  The spiraling light whirled out of Central Park and transported Alex and the lion statues to Times Square. They landed on the rooftop just below the Times Square Ball that drops every New Year’s Eve. The world-famous intersection was completely empty, but all the flashing lights, the illuminated billboards, and the giant video screens had been left on during the evacuation.

  Alex sat on the edge of the roof and sobbed over the death of her friend. The curse made her emotions skyrocket, but she was consumed by much more than grief. Her head filled with thoughts of guilt. It was her fault the witches had invaded the Otherworld. She was to blame for all the damage and fear they had caused. If it weren’t for her, Rook would still be alive.

  As Alex tormented herself, she subconsciously caused vines and ivy to grow up the buildings around Times Square. Soon the entire square was covered in plants. Eventually Conner, his friends, and the Fairy Council stumbled into the square. Thanks to all the vegetation, they knew they were in the right place.

  “I see her!” Conner announced. “She’s up there under the New Year’s Eve ball!”

  The lion statues leaped off the roof and landed on the ground. The impact was so strong, Times Square rattled and the lions left paw prints in the pavement. Just as they had done at the library, the lions guarded the building and wouldn’t let anyone get close.

  “Alex, I know you’re experiencing unimaginable pain right now, but it’s very important you listen to us,” Emerelda called up to the roof. “The curse you’re under stems from a very powerful and very evil magic mirror. It’s making you think things that aren’t true, feel emotions that aren’t real, and it’s disturbing your point of view. As difficult as it is, you can’t trust anything your body or mind is telling you. The magic only has one purpose: to destroy everything its host holds dear. If you let it deceive you, all will be lost.”

  “But it’s all my fault!” Alex cried. “If I’d found my uncle Lloyd sooner, none of this would have happened! If I had stopped the witches in the fairy-tale world, they never would have come to the Otherworld! And if I had just forgiven Rook, he wouldn’t have felt the need to prove himself and save me!”

  “Alex, none of that is true, because I’m the one to blame,” Emerelda confessed. “You knew the Masked Man was dangerous and you did everything you could to stop him. I’m the one who didn’t believe you. I’m the one who demanded you call off the search. I’m the one who thought you were being irrational instead of recognizing the signs of a curse. And because of my mistakes, I wasn’t there to help the kingdoms when the Literary Army attacked, I wasn’t there to stop the witches from traveling to the Otherworld, and I’m the reason Rook is dead. I take full responsibility for everything that’s happened, and now I need your help to fix it. So please, come down from there and we can fight the curse together!”

  Emerelda seemed to ease Alex’s suffering, but only slightly. Alex searched deep inside her soul and found the strength to block out all the terrible thoughts and feelings the curse inspired. She dried her tears and mustered the courage to join her friends and family below.

  “Not so fast!”

  Morina walked out from around a corner and stood between the lion statues. As soon as the witch’s presence was known, Alex lost all self-control and the curse took over completely, returning her to Morina’s command.

  “Why can’t you people just stay where I leave you?” Morina asked.

  “Let my sister go, Morina!” Conner demanded.

  “Sorry, but no can do,” the witch said. “I’ve got big plans for your sister, but sadly, you’ll just have to take my word for it—none of you will be alive by the time we’re through.”

  “Haven’t you caused enough damage?” Emerelda asked.

  “Actually, I’ve just begun,” the witch said. “Alex, hold down your friends so we can finish what we started.”

  Alex nodded and waved her hand over Times Square. Vines shot out of the ground near the Fairy Council’s feet and pinned them to the pavement. Long electric cables shot out of the giant video screens and wrapped around Conner, Bree, Red, and Froggy, then held them against billboards and banners above the streets. The lion statues leaped into the air and tackled Mother Goose and Merlin to the ground.

  “Good girl,” Morina said. “Now I want you to destroy everything and everyone in this miserable world, starting with New York City.”

  Alex nodded again and levitated into the sky high above Times Square. She summoned more vines to grow across the island, working their way through one neighborhood at a time. The plants wrapped around buildings, trees, cars, streetlamps, and mailboxes, crushing everything in their path like a tsunami of hungry anacondas.

  “Since your plan didn’t work, you’re gonna take it out on the whole world—is that right?” Conner asked.

  “In a nutshell, yes,” Morina said with a sinister smile. However, the witch’s smile vanished when she discovered Froggy pinned to a billboard above her. “Charlie!” she shouted. “How did you escape the magic mirror?”

  “I performed a good deed,” Froggy said. “That’s a selfless act one commits for the benefit of someone else, in case you’re wondering.”

  “Impossible!” she declared. “No one can leave a magic mirror once they’re trapped inside it! That was the whole point of imprisoning you in one!”

  “That’s odd, because I can name three people who’ve been freed,” Froggy said. “Perhaps if you were better informed, you might actually accomplish one of the atrocious plans you set forward.”

  Morina glared at the frog man. “There’ll be no returning from where I send you next,” she said. “That I promise you.”

  The witch raised an open hand toward Froggy and then clenched it into a tight fist. The gesture caused the cables around Froggy’s body to squeeze and choke him. The sight of Morina torturing Froggy made Red’s blood boil. When the witch wasn’t looking, the young queen managed to free her left hand. She reached into her purse and retrieved the Swiss Army knife she’d bought at the airport. She quickly cut herself free and landed on the ground.

  “Leave the frog alone, you goat!” she yelled.

  The witch turned around and was very amused to find Red challenging her.

  “Well, if this isn’t the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen,” Morina said. “Do you actually think you can stop me?”

  “Underestimate me all you want,” Red said. “It’s much easier than facing the truth, isn’t it, Morina?”

  “And what truth is that?” the witch asked.

  “How sensationally jealous you are of me!” Red declared.

  Morina howled with laughter. Conner and the others eyed one another nervously—they had no idea where Red was going with this.

  “You think I’m jealous? Of you?” the witch asked.

  “So far you’ve ruined my wedding, cursed one of my best friends, and trapped my fiancé in a magic mirror, and now you’re strangling him in front of me,” Red said. “If that isn’t a personal vendetta, I don’t know what is. Obviously something is fueling your obsession with ruining my life, and it doesn’t reek of jelly on my side of the ballroom!”

  “Please explain how someone like me could be jealous of someone like you,” Morina said. “I’ve gutted canaries with higher intelligence.”

  “Like most aspects of my life, brains have nothing to do with it,” Red said. “Face it, you’re envious of my beauty!”

  “Excuse me?” the witch asked.

  “You heard me!” Red said. “I have flawless skin, beautiful eyes, fanta
stic hair, a naturally high metabolism—but I’m also kind, considerate, giving, and a good friend! I’m just as gorgeous on the inside as I am on the outside! And no matter how many potions you drink, no matter how many enchantments you make, there will always be a selfish, greedy, hateful, and ugly goat inside you!”

  The queen’s words hit the witch right where it hurt the most. Morina was so outraged, her eyes turned red and the blood in her veins became black. Red’s friends and the Fairy Council closed their eyes, terrified to see how the witch would respond.

  “You really are the biggest idiot in the universe,” Morina said. “I consider this a favor to mankind.”

  The witch pointed with both hands at Red, and a bright violet light blasted from the tips of her fingers. Just as the deadly blast was about to hit the young queen, Red removed the hand mirror from her purse and used it to shield herself. Morina’s magic bounced off the mirror and headed straight back to her. Morina was hit by her own magic and burst into millions of pieces.

  “Who’s the idiot now, Morina?” Red said.

  When Conner and the others opened their eyes, they were shocked to see that Red was still standing and the witch was dead.

  “Darling, that was incredible!” Froggy cheered.

  “Red, you’re a genius!” Conner shouted.

  “How did you know the mirror would reflect her magic?” Bree asked.

  “Glamorous Magazine,” Red said with a shrug. “I read this wonderful article on the plane that said ‘If a woman wants to be saved, she’ll find her greatest savior in the mirror.’ I don’t know who they were talking about, but they certainly saved me.”

  Her friends had never been so thankful for a misinterpretation. Red climbed a ladder and cut Froggy loose from the billboard with the Swiss Army knife. They helped each other to the ground, but before Froggy could help the others, Red stopped him.

  “Charlie, I want to get married,” she said.

  “Well, so do I, darling—”