Immortal

by Nicole Conway

  “Go lie down.” She bent down and started picking up the debris I’d smashed on the floor.

  I stood over her and watched for a few minutes. I was trying to understand why she was here to begin with. Because my mother had asked her to come? To fix the damage I’d done to the estate? Neither were good enough reasons, in my opinion. They both sounded made up. She hadn’t come clean with me yet.

  I grumbled a few more curses under my breath as I shuffled away back to my bedroom. My bed was a mess of wrinkled, sweaty blankets that I’d been tossing and turning in for two nights now. I couldn’t get comfortable, no matter how hard I tried. Every part of my body felt sore, like I’d been run over by a horse.

  I stretched out on my back and draped an arm over my face, trying to block out the light. Even with the drapes closed and the entire room basically pitch black, my head was still throbbing. Any hint of light made it feel that much worse. My insides felt like they were on fire. My throat burned. My body shook. And one drop of liquor, any kind at all, was all I could think about.

  Julianna came in carrying her tray. I immediately sat up in bed. I was geared up for another argument, waiting to see what she was up to this time. But Julianna didn’t look at me. She placed the tray on the nightstand and lit a candle.

  The light stung my eyes. I cursed at her again.

  “Hush,” she said softly, as she pulled up a chair and sat down beside my bed. I heard liquid sloshing, but I didn’t dare open my eyes to see. The light only made my head hurt worse.

  I flinched away as she touched my face with something cold and wet—a rag, I guessed.

  “I don’t like you,” I reminded her.

  “I know,” she answered, wiping the sweat from my face and finally placing the rag over my forehead. “You need to eat something. I brought some rice pudding. It’s very bland, so it shouldn’t upset your stomach.”

  I laughed hoarsely. “I already threw up everything I tried to eat before. It’s pointless. Just bring me some wine.”

  Julianna stayed silent.

  I cracked open an eye to steal a glance at her.

  The warm candlelight made her already beautiful face shine like a star in the dark. My vision was hazy, especially with the bright light making my head pound, but I could see that she looked tired. Two days of this had to be wearing her down. Two days and two nights of me yelling and cursing at her, throwing things, and vomiting every time I tried to eat. Yet here she was, avoiding eye contact with me as she stirred a bowl of what must be the rice pudding.

  “Why are you doing this?” she asked suddenly.

  I scowled because I had been wondering the exact same thing at that moment. “You think I like throwing up?”

  Our eyes met. Her expression was firm, even if there were sleepy circles under her eyes.

  “You know that wasn’t what I meant, Felix.”

  I stayed quiet.

  “Is it because you want to die, too? Because there are easier ways than drinking yourself to death,” she said. “Or is it because you don’t know what to do with your grief?”

  I had to clench my teeth to keep from yelling at her again. “Blow out the stupid candle and I’ll tell you.”

  “What? Why?”

  “The light … it’s killing me. It’s making my head hurt even worse,” I answered.

  With a puff of breath the room went dark again.

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Are you really going to tell me why you’ve been acting this way?” I couldn’t see her anymore, but I could hear the suspicion in her tone.

  “Why does this matter to you so much?” I countered.

  She didn’t answer, and for several awkward minutes we just sat in darkness without saying anything.

  I caved first, probably because I was in pain from the withdrawals. Or it might have been because the truth had been rotting away inside me for so long that I couldn’t stand it anymore.

  “You have no idea what it’s like … to have no one you can trust. That’s who he was for me. Jaevid was someone I knew I could trust. Without him, I have no one. I’m alone. And I’ll always be alone.” Dang, that had sounded a lot more whiny and melodramatic coming out than it had in my head. It was embarrassing to admit it.

  “That’s not a very good reason to be acting this way, you know.”

  I glared in her direction since I couldn’t see her anymore.

  “And you’re wrong.” Her voice became so quiet and small that I barely heard her.

  “What?”

  “You’re wrong—I do know what it’s like,” she repeated. “You were my closest friend before, Felix. I thought I could trust you. You were always so kind to me, and always so understanding. We were only children, but I sincerely thought I would always be able to confide in you.”

  “Yeah, well, that was before you decided to plant your marital hooks in my back,” I sneered.

  I heard a scraping sound, like metal on metal. There was a spark, and the candle blazed back to life just in time for me to see the harrowing glare she was giving me. She was holding a flint striker like it was a weapon.

  “I’m so sick of hearing you say that,” she fumed. “That had nothing to do with me! I was just as surprised as you were when our parents announced their decision. They never mentioned it to me or asked how I felt. They just did it. And before I could explain that you shut me out.”

  “Well you certainly didn’t protest it, did you?” I tried to sound snarky and clever, but actually … she’d just cut the legs out from under me. I always assumed that she was the instigator behind our arranged marriage.

  “Of course I didn’t.” She began angrily stirring the rice pudding again. I wasn’t sure because of how blurry my vision was, but it almost looked like she was trying not to cry.

  “So? Why didn’t you?” I pressed. “If you didn’t want it, then why haven’t you said anything all this time? Why didn’t you try to stop it?”

  She stopped stirring. Her chin was trembling and she wouldn’t look at me. I watched her put the bowl down on the tray and stand.

  “I think Miss Harriet should be the one to feed you tonight,” she said stiffly, as she turned and started to leave.

  “Julianna!” I yelled after her, trying to get her to come back so we could clear the air.

  But she didn’t stop. Instead, she started running. She darted out of my bedroom without ever answering.

  Things were going to get worse before they got better. I knew that. I just didn’t know how much worse. I was paying dearly for every drink I’d taken and, believe me, it wasn’t even close to worth it.

  The next day I started to get sick—beyond sick, really. I thought I was dying. From that point on, each day was worse than the one before it.

  I didn’t sleep. Even when I tried to sleep, I couldn’t because I was hurting so much. My mind raced and my body ached like someone poured hot sand into all my joints. I was sweating like crazy, and even though I’d puked up everything in my stomach, my insides still constricted like I might vomit again.

  It hurt. I was exhausted and for the next several days all I could do was lie in my bed and groan. Julianna and Miss Harriet took turns force-feeding me mild soups and water, not that anything ever stayed down for long. They tried to help me bathe, but had to revisit that plan when I collapsed halfway to the washroom and fell on top of Julianna, basically crushing her into the carpet.

  I did feel bad about that.

  But even when my strength was spent and my stomach was empty of everything including bile, the worst was yet to come.

  It was bedtime, or so Julianna had ordered. She was keeping me on a strict schedule. The only time she really left my side was to look after her own needs or to give me some privacy while the servants helped me bathe. She’d forfeited that job after being squished.

  I was actually starting to turn a corner—or so I thought. I wasn’t feeling quite as awful. My head wasn’t pounding
as horribly and I could even walk to the bed myself. I’d just reached the bed and was preparing to put a clean nightshirt on when it happened. I started to feel strange. My body began trembling again. My tongue felt chill and I tasted copper. My fingers tingled and began to feel numb.

  I barely had time to sit down on the edge of the bed when it hit. It was like being struck by lightning. Every muscle in my body went rigid. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. There was only pain and a sense of impending doom as my body shook violently out of my control.

  Darkness started to close in around me and I knew I must be dying. But through the haze, I caught glimpses of what was happening around me. Julianna rushed in at the sound of the servants’ distress. She held my head in her lap and forced something into my mouth. It was a leather belt.

  “Open your mouth, Felix! You have to work with me or you’ll bite off your own tongue,” she pleaded. I could see tears streaming down her face.

  It took everything I had, but I managed to do it.

  “You stay with me now. Just keep looking in my eyes. We’ll get through this.” I could vaguely feel her taking my hand and squeezing it firmly. “You hear me? I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be right here …”

  Then everything went dark.

  I didn’t know what had happened when I finally woke up. My body still felt strange and tingly, like my arms and legs had gone to sleep. I tried to sit up, but every muscle protested. I couldn’t do it. It hurt too much.

  “Just rest,” a familiar voice whispered.

  Julianna sat at my bedside, wearing nothing but a dainty, pale blue nightgown and a long white robe. Her hair was loosely braided over her shoulder with a few stray locks falling perfectly over her cheeks. I didn’t have to wonder how long she’d been watching over me. The weary lines on her face and circles under her eyes told that story plainly enough.

  She was still holding my hand just as tightly as before, like she hadn’t let go of it since I passed out. “How do you feel?”

  I tried to speak, but my throat was so dry I couldn’t even swallow.

  “Here, drink this.” She pulled her hand away and poured the contents of a small porcelain teapot into a cup. It smelled good and tasted faintly of honey.

  “W-what happened?” I finally managed to ask.

  She refilled the cup again and insisted I drink more. “You had a seizure. For a moment there, we weren’t sure if you were going to make it or not.”

  “I wasn’t sure, either,” I admitted.

  Things started to get awkward as we both fell silent. My hand—the one she’d been holding—was still warm from her touch. It stirred things in my mind, emotions I’d tried my best to bury or destroy. For the first time in a long while, I felt clear. I could hear myself think. And all I thought about was her.

  “Julianna,” I started to talk.

  “You need to rest.” She cut me off. It was as though she sensed that I wanted to have a serious talk about how I had been a humongous jerk to her for the past ten or so years.

  “I can’t. Not until I know why.” I was the one reaching for her hand this time. “Please tell me. If you didn’t agree with the engagement our parents agreed on, then why didn’t you say something sooner?”

  I saw her stiffen. She looked right at me, like a doe caught out in the open. Her eyes widened and her face started to flush. For a second or two, I thought she might actually tell me.

  Carefully, Julianna withdrew her hand and stood. She dragged the blankets up over me and tucked me in, all while doing an excellent job of not making eye contact. Then she started to leave, just like before.

  “I’m glad you’re all right,” she said, as she hesitated in the doorway. “I think things might start to get better for you now. Tomorrow you should try going for a walk.”

  “Wait! Please. Just talk to me about this.” I was beginning to get desperate.

  “Just rest. This doesn’t have to happen now.”

  “What doesn’t have to happen? Why won’t you talk to me?” I didn’t know what she meant by that, but it didn’t sound good. For whatever reason, it felt like she was slipping away—like she was frantically putting up walls to keep me at a distance. I was losing her. And it scared the heck out of me.

  I watched her smile sadly back at me. “Goodnight, Felix.”

  The door closed and I was left alone. That’s when things started to click into place in my brain. Without the booze and misdirected hatred blurring my thoughts, I could see what was happening now was completely my fault.

  After everything I’d done to her, I really was an idiot for thinking she’d ever want to be friends with me again. Things couldn’t be the way they had been when we were children. I’d destroyed our relationship in every way I possibly could, in the hopes that it would drive her to break up our engagement.

  But all I’d done was hurt her over and over. I’d used everything I knew about her from when we were friends, every secret insecurity and fear she’d ever confided in me, to do as much damage as possible. I’d used every bit of my social influence and power to make her suffer.

  And now she’d never trust me again.

  I would have to start over. Julianna didn’t trust me anymore. I’d intentionally killed our friendship and every good opinion of me she’d ever had. So if I wanted her back, I was going to have to start from scratch and prove that I wasn’t the evil son-of-a-dog she probably thought I was now.

  I decided this while sitting next to her on a marble bench, tucked away in one of my mom’s favorite tea gardens. It was peaceful there; I could see why mom liked it so much. She’d gone through a lot of trouble to have this place be as private and tranquil as possible. There were flowering fruit trees and perfectly manicured pathways winding off through tall hedges. Bubbling fountains hid amidst the foliage like secret paradises you’d only find by pure accident. The backdrop of deep green ivy and brightly colored flowers made Julianna seem even more beautiful than usual.

  She sat next to me, close by but definitely not touching me, flipping through the pages of a book. She insisted I take these walks every day, to breathe in the fresh air and meditate. It was supposed to help calm my grief and give me time to reflect. I guess it did, to a degree, but I couldn’t do much reflecting when all I could think about was how cruel I’d been to her.

  “You know, I think I’ve about got my strength back now,” I tried to start a conversation, yet again.

  She didn’t look up from her book. “Just don’t overdo it.”

  I wasn’t about to give up that easily. I’d been trying for days to get her to open up, to get a smile or a laugh or anything from her. But she was using that stupid book like a shield, pretending to be too distracted to notice me. Time to bring out my secret weapon.

  “I was thinking of going for a ride this afternoon.” I tried to sound indifferent, as I stood up and stretched my arms over my head. “Maybe you’d want to go with me? It’d be nice to get out for a while.”

  She took the bait hook, line, and sinker. Her eyes flicked up, peeking at me over the top of her book. “Through the countryside?”

  I shrugged. “Sure. It’s a nice day. Might as well make the most of it, right?”

  Julianna raised the book higher to block her face from my view. “Okay. That sounds fine.”

  I smirked. Score one for me. This was my chance—I wasn’t going to blow it this time. “All right. Meet me at the stables later then?”

  I saw the top of her head move as she nodded. She was still determined to hide behind her book for now, but that wasn’t going to work so well for her later. I had a plan.

  The expression on her face was priceless as she walked up to the front of the stables where my estate’s horses were housed. Only—we weren’t riding on horses.

  Julianna stared at Nova like she was seeing something straight out of a dream. Or maybe a nightmare, I couldn’t quite tell. She might have been terrified. Her eye
s were wide and her mouth hung open like a fish gasping for air.

  Nova was restless. I hadn’t ridden her in a couple of months now, so she was itching for a ride. She nipped at me, giving me dragon love-bites while I fixed her saddle straps and checked all the buckles. When she spotted Julianna, though, she started to get even more anxious. I’d never let anyone else ride Nova with me before.

  “I-I thought we were going horseback riding!” Julianna stopped about twenty feet away from us and wouldn’t come any closer.

  I grinned at her. “Where’s the fun in that?”

  “Felix, I can’t do thi—”

  “Don’t even say it, Jules. You really think I would ask you to do this if I thought it was the least bit dangerous?” I arched a brow at her.

  She didn’t trust me, or so I’d thought. But as she started to take tiny, cautious steps to me, my hopes grew by leaps and bounds. Maybe, somewhere deep down, she still believed that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

  I held a hand out to coax her in. “Come on.”

  She gripped my hand like she wanted to pop it off my wrist. “I’m not dressed properly for this,” she whimpered.

  Nova swung her huge, horned head around and put her big snout mere inches from Julianna’s face.

  I thought Julianna was going to pop right out of her skin. She bounded behind me and clung to the back of my shirt. “I-is she friendly?”

  “Sometimes.” I laughed. “She’s not gonna hurt you, I promise.”

  Julianna didn’t appear convinced. She was chewing fiercely on her bottom lip as I basically shoved her back in front of me. I took one of her hands and brought it to Nova’s snout, showing her that it really was all right.

  The more she touched, exploring Nova’s scaly hide, the more I saw Julianna’s apprehension and fear become excitement. She started to smile, a smile that grew wider and wider by the second. Nova closed her big green eyes and made a deep, purring sound.