Hatsukoi. (Lesbian Erotic Romance) (Ren'Ai Rensai)

by Hildred Billings

  “I have time tomorrow.” Reina told her the place and time. “Can you make it?”

  Nodding, Aiko agreed and fought to control her bouncing legs and budding squeals of joy.

  Reina told her she was tired and wanted to go to bed. Even after hanging up, Aiko was still on the verge of tittering beyond her control.

  When she went to bed an hour later, she felt like her luck was coming into itself unlike ever before. Yes, Aiko had been blessed with a decent family with the means to provide for her. Yes, she had done well in school and always had friends. Yes, boys were always interested in her and wanted to date her. Yes, she went to her university of choice on the first try and now found it came easily to her. But she never knew what “luck” was until she met Reina and had the most hidden part of her exposed to her own conscience.

  Aiko tossed and turned, trying to sleep, but her mind was heavy with fantasies. Blissful fantasies, full of romance and even untamed sex. She relived her weekend with Reina, from the tiny games to the heated love making lasting intermittently throughout the night and again in the morning. She relived all the dates, the cat Reina won for her sitting on the nightstand like the greatest love token ever.

  Her heart beat so fast she thought she would never fall asleep. The faster I fall asleep the faster I’ll see Reina. Aiko wanted to kiss and lay with her as soon as possible. She knew they were meeting a couple hours shy of Reina having to go to work, but Aiko hoped it would be enough time for a proper date.

  Reina. Her hair, her skin, her eyes. Her heartbeat, her touch, her mischievous smile. Her surety, her confidence, her charm. How unfair Aiko had to wait. She had never wanted to see somebody so badly, to jump on them and reassure them that the horror of the day before was all in the past. She’s not a selfish whore. Aiko would never fall in love with somebody like that.

  She opened her eyes, gasping.

  Love.

  Aiko sat up in bed, pushing the comforter away. She needed air, even if it was cold. Reina. Love. Her heart continued to flutter. The floor sagged as she got up and walked to her window, gazing at the clear moon.

  I love Reina.

  She had never loved someone before. This new territory felt like it should have been scary, but it was clear and perfect in her mind. I love Reina. And I want her to be my girlfriend. Aiko opened the square window and felt the chill wash over her. The ice in the air stabbed her cheeks, just like Reina’s served awakening had stabbed her in the heart.

  “I love Reina,” she said across chapped lips. “I love Reina!”

  How simple it sounded.

  If Reina counted all the times she decided to enact on “do the right thing,” it would not have been a sizable number.

  Still, she convinced herself that’s what she was doing as she stood by the only tree in a large, empty park near the theater. In the other seasons it was usually packed with families and lovers enjoying the sunshine, but during winter it was a frigid, forgotten spot – the closest thing to a private place Reina knew of near her work.

  She saw Aiko before she herself was noticed. A lump formed in her throat long before she needed to speak. I’m doing the right thing. Reina had made her decision the night before, alone in her futon with the darkness wrapped around her. Even now the slap from Shizuka still throbbed.

  Aiko waved an arm and trotted across the open grass, her long, brown hair and charcoal scarf whipping in the air. Her smile covered her entire face like a happy mask.

  I’m doing the right thing.

  “Hey!” Aiko halted a few centimeters away from Reina’s stoic frame. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine.” Reina’s voice came out as an unintended snarl. Aiko’s visage flickered into concern before beaming again.

  “I missed you!” She threw herself forward and hugged Reina, who remained motionless save for the inertia colliding into her. “Since last night I’ve been worried about you. Did my cousin hurt you?”

  A pair of schoolgirls cut through the park on their way home from school, forcing Reina to shove Aiko off her as if she were a needy child. “I’m fine,” she said again.

  Aiko tried to embrace her once more. Reina held her off with a solid arm, although her subconscious attempted to lower her guard. How could she say no to a cute girl wanting to climb all over her? Easily, apparently.

  “Yamerou.” Reina didn’t intend to snap at Aiko, but she did when she told her to “stop” a second time. Aiko stepped back, smile disappearing with the passing breeze. Regret already built in excess inside Reina. I’m doing the right thing.

  It became harder to tell herself that the longer Aiko stood, her hair continuing to fly with every wind burst. “What’s going on?” she asked. “Did I do something wrong?”

  More regret, and Reina fought to keep it away from her expressions. “I can’t see you anymore.”

  Cars honked. Birds squawked. Aiko held herself and added her voice to the sounds of the city. “Why not? Is it me?” She stared at the brown grass. “Am I that bad? Boring?” Her hands cupped her mouth and nose and she suppressed a groan, the signs of an oncoming cry fest. Reina stalled between wanting to run and wanting to comfort her. “Am I such a bad lover? I’m trying to learn!”

  No. God, no. Aiko wasn’t the most skillful, but she pleased Reina, and seemed eager in return. The longer this went on, the more Reina wondered if she was doing the right thing. I’m doing the right thing.

  “It’s difficult to explain. Don’t make this any harder. I need to break up with you.”

  Reina had said those words to a few girls before, but this was the first time she ever felt the hurt inside them herself. Is this how those girls felt? Is this how Aiko feels right now? Her heart hung inside her chest, frozen and useless; an emptiness admitting only rejection gnawed in her stomach. Aiko lowered her hands and whimpered.

  “No, please tell me.” Her voice remained level. “So I never do it again.”

  You didn’t do anything wrong. That’s the problem. “Sometimes the world isn’t very fair, you know. You have to learn how to pick your battles. Sometimes what feels right isn’t what you should be doing at all.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Shizuka stuck out in Reina’s memory, reminding her with a slap and a “whore” what life as a lesbian was in their world. Reina had lived with it nearly half her life now; Aiko was too raw to handle it yet. “If we stay together, it will only cause more trouble.”

  “Is this about what happened last night?” Aiko lunged – when Reina tried to shirk away, she met the bark of the tree. “I don’t care about that. I mean, I’m sorry what my cousin did, but I talked it over with her. She understands. I swear.”

  “No. If you’re not a part of this life, you don’t understand.” Reina batted Aiko’s hand.

  She continued to attempt eye contact. “I want to be a part of this life. Your life.”

  “What are you talking about? Why would anyone want this?” Once, Reina’s mother had demanded what she had done to make her daughter “want” to become a lesbian. Of course, there was no answer. Reina had never made a conscious choice to be sexually attracted to other women, just like she had no control over her aversion to men and their bodies.

  “I want it because it feels right.” Aiko took one of Reina’s hands and held it in her own like a precious stone. “From the first time you kissed me…no, the first time you were so forward with me, I just knew it made sense. Don’t you get it?”

  A scowl. “Get what?”

  “I’m a lesbian, just like you.”

  You are nothing like me. Reina couldn’t imagine this sweet little girl wandering around lesbian bars, flirting with regulars and newcomers alike with the intent to bed them by the end of the night. “You don’t know what that word really means.” She glowered. “You don’t know what it would do to your life.”

  Even under the weight of Reina’s glare, Aiko never once shuddered or backed down. “I know that I love you. How else that affects me I’ll deal with as it
comes.”

  Love! Sometimes, girls said that. They told Reina they “loved” her, and swore not just what she did or how she acted. But in the end they always got hurt, unable to bear Reina’s wandering eyes or hands. Fuck love! That same love had punched Reina that past Saturday, when Michiko rejected her. There is no such thing. She had loved her father. That was all she knew. I love Michiko, too. But she’s leaving.

  Aiko slammed into Reina with a hug. “Please give me a chance to be your real girlfriend.” Her whiny sobs sounded like keys on a chalkboard. “I know you like all sorts of girls, but I swear I’ll try. I want to know your lifestyle.”

  “What?” Reina shoved her away. “Why would you be interested in fucking other women?”

  Aiko rubbed her eyes with a sniff. “Why not? You think I want to only sleep with one person?” Her next smile was naughtier than any of Reina’s smirks. “How do I know you’re really the best lover there is out there?”

  A chilling breeze rushed into Reina’s mouth the moment it dropped open. Damn! Maybe that image of Aiko whispering flirtations into strangers’ ears wasn’t so farfetched. Maybe it could even work in Reina’s favor. I could just use her to do my seductions for me. As soon as she tutored her.

  “How do I know you won’t get angry the moment I sleep with another woman?”

  The smile lingered, accompanied with a head tilt. “If you’re my girlfriend, you’ll never cheat on me.”

  “Ha! That’s impossible. I’m telling you right now.”

  “You didn’t let me finish. It wouldn’t be cheating, because I’d be there with you.”

  “What?”

  “You can sleep with other women. I know I can’t change your nature.” Aiko put both her hands on Reina’s shoulders, forehead close to chin. “But I want to be with you, sharing the experience. Don’t you think that’s a fair compromise?”

  “I, uh….” Words refused to come to Reina’s mouth. Either just Aiko or a…threesome? How many other women out there would go for that? Even just having Aiko sitting there and watching would be too much for most. Then again, it sounded kinda hot. Reina could safely say she didn’t have too many orgies under her belt. “I’ll think about it. But until I give you a final answer, you’re not technically my girlfriend.”

  Aiko embraced her. The scent of her body, her hair, and her kind nature enveloped Reina until she sank into a returned hug. “That’s fine.” Aiko’s voice muffled into Reina’s sweater. “I’ll wait for you.”

  The hardest part about waiting for Reina’s response – which still hadn’t come a whole two agonizing days later – was Aiko not getting to share the joy she felt every day whenever she thought of her potential girlfriend. That Friday she told her mother she was no longer seeing “Ren Itou,” which elicited a question about why that fact made her so happy. Before class she giggled so hard at a common joke that Tomoko asked if she had just come from the dentist. And when the professor gave a spiel about Gone With the Wind, Aiko daydreamed she was Scarlet O’Hara and Reina was Rhett Butler, the parts about war and famine just making everything more romantic.

  “You’re creeping me out,” Nana said, when class was dismissed. She put a hand on Aiko’s forehead when her sloppy grin never faded. “Nobody should look so pleased with herself when the professor starts talking about Thomas Hardy.”

  “Who?”

  Nana held up their syllabus and shook it in front of Aiko’s face. “Thomas Hardy. We’re reading him next. The professor talked about him for like a whole half hour. What’s wrong with you?”

  “You have been acting weird all week.” Tomoko collected her things and followed the others into the hallway. By then most students had departed, leaving the trio to straggle like three lazy children at a field trip. Aiko almost forgot her book bag on her way out.

  “I’m fine.” she reassured both her friends upon her return. “Never better.”

  Nana looked askance while Tomoko puffed her cheeks. Their saunter to the staircase was marked with Aiko’s blessed sighs and constant drops of her belongings.

  Her friends bickered about whether or not to go to the cafeteria for lunch. The sudden reminder to eat sprouted from Aiko’s stomach via a petite growl. Thoughts of eating then turned into fixing another perfect meal for Reina. Another sigh.

  “Okay, that’s it.” Nana dropped her things on a table in the building’s common room. Tomoko slouched into a chair while Aiko continued to stand like a pleasant statue. “The hell has gotten into you? If you’re on drugs, I swear, I’ll turn you into the police because you are annoying.”

  Yes, I’m on the Reina drug! One kiss was necessary to satiate Aiko, but Reina wasn’t there to give her one. They still had yet to have sex again since their weekend together, and Aiko swore she was about to burst if she didn’t get her fix soon. I’ll overdose on her the next chance I get.

  “I told you, I’m fine.” She sank into the chair between her friends, her ears full of loud students and louder vacuum cleaners. “More than fine. I’ve never felt better. Oh, and I’m not on drugs.”

  “I think you’re in love,” Tomoko said. “You’ve got hearts in your eyes.”

  Of course I’m in love! Loving Reina had become the most natural feeling Aiko ever experienced, once she let go of her anxieties. Her love was so transfixed, she didn’t even need Reina to confess back to her, just to promise they could still go out together and have sex. A last fleeting thought of making love to Reina flashed in Aiko’s mind – how wonderful!

  “Ah, she is!” Nana pointed at Aiko’s face. “She’s blushing.”

  That started the usual jeers and teases reserved for the friend on the verge of romance. Aiko knew they talked to her about naughty things, but every word went over her head as she caught all the breath in her throat. “You’ve found me out. I am in love!”

  Nana nodded as if she knew all the details already. “Who is it? Ren Itou?”

  “No, no. There is no Ren Itou.” He’s gone for good.

  “No? Then who is it? I didn’t think you were seeing anyone else.”

  Aiko bit her lip. Should I tell them? She could barely contain her confession, unlike all the “love” she ever felt for her ex-boyfriends. I must tell them! No way she could live without gushing to her friends about Reina’s body-crushing beauty, sultry voice, and bedroom finesse! Dire information everyone needed to know! In as much graphic detail as possible!

  “I am in love,” she said, “with a woman named Reina Yamada.”

  She admired her nails while waiting for the news to sink into her friends’ heads. Tomoko fidgeted in her seat; Nana gawked like she looked at a train wreck. Aiko didn’t appreciate the awkward silence until Nana hooted, her gaping mouth turning into a yawn for raucous laughter.

  “Oh, that’s good.” She slapped the table and playfully shoved Aiko. “I almost believed you for a second.” More gut clenching laughter. “In love! With a woman! How preposterous.” She turned her wrinkled face to Tomoko across the table. “Can you imagine it? How do two women even do it?”

  Tomoko twitched. “I wouldn’t know.”

  “Don’t be mean! I’m serious.”

  The silence returned to the table upon Aiko’s fervent assertion. Nana’s laughter faded into the clamor of young women everywhere around them, and her face resumed its perplexity. “What? What are you talking about?” Brows sank. “In love with a woman?”

  “Is it really that hard to believe it’s possible?”

  “Yes.”

  Aiko sat up straight. “Well, it is. I didn’t think it was either until a month ago, when I met Reina. Now she’s my girlfriend and I’m in love with her, just like I could be in love with a boy.” Like Daisuke. Except he sucked.

  At first the neutralizing look on Nana’s face gave off the air of slow acceptance, but then she frowned again and clicked her throat in disgust, as if Aiko had just said she was in love with a dog. “Those two things aren’t the same at all. How can you even compare them? What’s wrong with you?”<
br />
  The chair wobbled beneath Aiko’s shaking frame. Anger vibrated through her the more Nana sneered and said hateful things. “Well, I don’t see how it’s any different than you letting your boyfriend put his thing in your ass.”

  “It’s completely different. Men are built to put things in your body. Like their bodies…and babies.” Nana’s glasses fogged in her fury. “Seriously, how stupid are you?”

  “I’m not stupid. I love Reina, and I love having sex with her.”

  The corner of Nana’s mouth perked as her eyes flickered with memories. “Wait, wasn’t that the gross lesbian we saw at the café one day? With your cousin?” She snorted. “God, she contaminated you!” Nana leapt from her seat and jumped back from Aiko. “Now you’re going to contaminate me!”

  “What?”

  Nana grabbed her bag and shoved the chair out of her way. “Stay away from me, you disgusting dyke!”

  Some of the women standing around them stopped their conversations and watched Nana dash away as if a bomb were about to go off at the table. They stared at Aiko for answers, the scream of “disgusting dyke” still echoing in the large room. Aiko covered her face until she heard conversations resume.

  When she peered through her fingers again she saw Tomoko, mouth slightly open and twiddling her dark hair, two things she did when taking tests and reading road maps.

  “Tomo-chan?” Aiko couldn’t imagine Tomoko heaving in revulsion like Nana had. “Please say something.”

  Tomoko looked at her through glazed eyes. “I…I think…” She scooted her chair back. “I think I should go.”

  “Please!”

  Languished movements meant Tomoko left in a kinder way, but her silence and departure were noted all the same. Aiko sat at the table, alone, her self-control fighting to keep tears away from her eyes at the thought of being friendless.

  All because she loved a woman.

  Listening to Aiko share her emotional coming out to her friends made Reina’s throat close and her nostrils flare. She kept her expression as neutral as possible, however, as Aiko would say something, drink some beer, and then blur out more words with alcohol dribbling down her chin.