“You were young,” he mused, his eyes lingering on mine before they drifted to the murky water. “Clean up; we need to prepare to make our way north.”
“When?” I asked, trying to hide the tremble in my tone. Going home felt weird, as if it was empty. I’d expected to return with Grayson. It was supposed to be a victorious celebration, but instead, I was returning to see if his corpse was there, at the dam.
I was terrified of returning without Grayson or the others who I had started out with. I wanted to know though, needed to know if I’d failed him. I couldn’t keep running into things blindly, because it wasn’t working. I kept pushing only to get pushed back. There was only one way to know the truth.
“I need to see to a few things, but we should be able to start towards the Ark tomorrow morning. You need to eat, and you could use a little rest as well. There were also a few things that came to light when I questioned Dagan’s people. You and I need to be on the same page before we leave this place, Emma. We’ll talk more after you’ve rested.”
“I’m not tired,” I lied. I was starting to feel as if I’d been hit by a train. Every nerve in my entire body was on fire, and the lump in my throat was growing. My stomach wouldn’t release the sick feeling, or the tension of not knowing if Grayson was alive or dead. “Did they say anything else about Grayson?” I asked barely above a whisper, heart in my throat.
“No, they had no knowledge of where he was or what happened to him,” he replied as he brought his hand up to cup my cheek. “We will find him, I promise you that.”
“You stabbed me,” I accused, wondering why I didn’t mind it so much after the fact. I mean, he’d held me through the virus and hadn’t let go while it had run its course.
“I did, because I had to jumpstart your transition into obtaining your powers,” he replied, his eyes slowly looking me over.
“I have wings,” I murmured, even though they weren’t out right now. In fact, I’d felt them more than saw them before. I had fucking wings!
“Beautiful wings,” he affirmed. “Now rest.”
Chapter 28
I’d thought coming home would be good, exciting. It wasn’t; now it was terrifying. Azrael had kept his word, and we were here. We’d passed through the City of Priest River, followed Highway 2 towards Oldtown, and now stood in the parking lot for the dam complex, squinting against the early afternoon sun. I should have been optimistic; Dagan was shallow, and he’d wanted me to kill him. He’d wanted us to end his suffering, so he would have said or done anything to make it happen. He could have been lying about what they’d done to Grayson. I was grasping at straws, I knew it, but this was my baby brother. I’d pick any other scenario than the one that ended with him being dead.
A big part of that was because, if he was in there, if he was dead, it meant I’d failed him. I was afraid that knowing he was gone would wreck me. I’d been so blind in my rage over Trina taking him that I’d never even stopped to consider that she may have killed him. I’d run blindly into the fray, never stopping to consider the what-ifs. In my head, there had been no other alternative, but reality wasn’t as black and white.
I noticed the riot of flowers that covered the ground in front of the main entrance to the dam. Not even they could hide the scent of death that lingered in the air. There were a thousand reasons that it could smell like this, and I tried to dredge up every single one of them to hide from one little fact: It could be Grayson rotting somewhere inside the dam complex. I was getting good at making excuses.
Moss grew from the cracks of the cement, making it look as vacant and abandoned as I felt inside. The big double doors of the powerhouse were closed, but they didn’t hide the smell of decay. There were broken windows where the ground rose to become part of the wall, as if they’d sustained damage in one of the many storms we’d had. There could be a worker inside, dead; maybe he’d failed to get out or had tried to stay? It could be anyone else, as long as it wasn’t Grayson.
Anyone else.
“Emma.” Azrael’s voice broke into my thoughts; his fingers brushed against mine as he watched me. He’d been silent up until now. He was allowing me to work through my shit alone. I’d told him what I feared most. That if Grayson was dead, I’d fall and I wasn’t sure I’d ever get back up. “You’re not defined by how you fall. Everyone falls at some time or another. You’re defined by how you rise. Every phoenix has to burn before it can rise from the ashes. It’s why they are a symbol of strength and hope.”
“If I go in there and it’s him, that’s it. I can’t pretend he’s out there alive somewhere. He’ll be gone, and with him, my hope of saving him. It’s final. I just need a few more minutes,” I replied as I closed my eyes, feeling the wind pick up, my hair rustling in the breeze. “Just a few more minutes of this, please,” I whispered through tears that threatened to choke me with emotion.
“I’ll freeze time if you need more of it, Emma,” he offered, his fingers continuing to brush lightly against mine. “We can stand here all day if it’s what you need.”
I stepped closer to the doors on legs that threatened to give out. My feet felt weighted to the ground; the vice grip that seemed to have my heart in its grasp tightened. My breath came in small bursts as I struggled to inhale, my lungs stiffening as pain took control. One foot in front of the other, until I was at the doors. I opened them slowly, listening as metal clicked, released, and then I was inside.
No sun illuminated this place. It was wet, dark and chilling to my senses. Azrael turned on a lantern, then another, as he took control of everything I couldn’t manage. I was grateful that he could feel my needs, because I couldn’t verbalize anything that would make sense. I was numb with the realization that Grayson could possibly be in here. I thought I had seen them take Grayson to an underground lab in one of the three visions I’d had so long ago; now, I realized that it could just as easily have been the bowels of a dam that they’d brought him to. That flash of clarity hammered home the reality that this was probably the place he’d been. It was too much. It was like going to the morgue to identify a loved one, but there was no doctor to break the news, no one there to pull the sheet off and write down that it was the wrong person. No one to explain what happened, or why death had occurred.
We slowly walked through the main reception area and through the doors that took us deep inside the powerhouse. Our steps echoed eerily as we made our way down the long hallway, and we passed numerous darkened rooms and peered through the glass walls, I guessed that these offices had once belonged to the administrative staff of the dam.
Before we could reach the end of the walkway that led to the spillway complex, I stopped dead in my tracks.
My world stopped.
It collapsed on me.
Air left my lungs in a solid scream as I took in what was before me.
My legs gave out and I hit the ground as I closed my eyes against what was behind the floor-to-ceiling glass that separated the walkway from the huge control room of the powerhouse.
Grayson. Dead. My baby brother was, in fact, dead.
Instinctively I knew it was him, and he was dead. Crumpled against a corner of the room was his small body. Isolated and alone. His arms hung above what remained of his corpse. Animals must have gotten into the powerhouse to nest and gnawed on him, but even with the damage, I knew it was him. A sob exploded from my lips and I opened my eyes. My head shook, denial was on my tongue, and I wanted to say it wasn’t him; that it wasn’t the only family I had left in this world who rotted inside this forgotten tomb.
“No, no God, please,” I begged. I’d done everything I could to protect people, and this was how I was repaid? Why? He was just a child! “Oh, baby, no, get up!” I sobbed brokenly as tears fell unchecked to the cold cement floor. I screamed, my hands rose to my hair and I screamed at how unfair life was. I needed this to not be real. I needed him to open his
eyes and assure me that he wasn’t dead. He was lifeless, in pieces! I moved closer, scooting on my hands and knees, and then stopped again, screaming until the sound reverberated around the room.
“No, no, no, this isn’t right. I was supposed to save you!” I cried. My eyes took in the boots I’d sourced for him, the ripped up, ruined coat that was supposed to keep him warm, keep him from getting sick. I sobbed until no more tears would come, my body trembling with disbelief. My mind refused to process what my eyes told it to be true.
“Please, no,” I begged as hate and anger tore through me. I could bring him back. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks and I was up, shucking my pack as I prepared to do the unthinkable. Strong arms wrapped around me, and I fought against them. “No, I have to! I have to bring him back!”
“He’s already dead, Emma,” Azrael whispered. “You have to be careful of how your powers are used. A Guardian of Life can save those who are dying; however, a Guardian shouldn’t bring the dead back to life. To reanimate them,” he explained softly. “If you tried to give him life, it wouldn’t be your Grayson anymore. He’s been dead for a long time. He’d be mindless, and nothing like the boy you knew and loved. He’d be little better than a zombie. You wouldn’t want that. You have to let him go,” he replied, kissing my forehead as the tears continued to fall, as if he could wash away the pain that was killing me.
“No, I need him!”
“You need to let him go so he can find peace,” he argued gently. “I’ll go find something so that we can take him to the Ark, don’t try to bring him back. It won’t work; at least not the way you want it to.”
Once Azrael was gone, I sat beside Grayson and whispered, pleading for him to return to me. “I need you, Grayson. I need you to get up and stay with me. I can’t do this without you. I need you, and you need me. Please, don’t leave me,” I begged as tears raced down my cheeks. “I can’t be strong without you. I failed you. I fail everyone I love; I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to you,” I cried. I wrapped my arms around my knees, as I felt my shirt rip up the back as my wings expanded. I’d never really felt them before. The first time they’d released, I’d passed out and they were gone when I woke up. Now, I didn’t care. They were worthless. What good was it to have some power that wouldn’t bring back the one person I wanted it to?
Of everyone who deserved to be saved, didn’t Grayson also deserve it? He was just a child. He hadn’t even begun to experience life yet. Now, he never would.
Eventually, the tears stopped. The pain didn’t seem like it was going to leave anytime soon. I felt as if I was dying from the inside out. My heart squeezed with pain, as though someone had ripped my ribcage apart and held my heart, squeezing it with every beat.
I couldn’t even pretend it wasn’t him. It was. His hair, what hadn’t decomposed, was scattered on the floor or still attached to his remains. The clothing, the boots, I’d gotten them for him. The necklace that cut into his corpse, also something I’d gotten for him. He’d smiled so big when I’d brought those flag-covered dog tags home for him.
The rustling of plastic and movement caught my attention, and I turned my eyes to Azrael, who had returned with a body bag and sheets of thick plastic.
“No,” I whispered through the constriction of my throat. “No, he won’t be able to breathe.”
I heard the nonsensical words coming out of my mouth, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t imagine putting him in there. It was plastic. This was Grayson. This was my brother! I stood up and shook my head as my vision blurred through the tears. I wasn’t going to allow him to wrap that plastic around him. Not my baby brother. Not the kid I’d raised, the one who I kissed goodnight when Dad wasn’t around to do it. The one I’d rocked to sleep when I was barely big enough to hold him in my lap. He’d saved me; given me a purpose when I’d been buried in grief when we’d thought our mother was dead. He’d kept me centered, and made me want to be a better person. Now I was just supposed to wrap him in plastic and bury him in the cold ground?
“Azrael, I can’t do this. I can’t bury him. I can’t; he’s my brother. I have to find out how to bring him back. There has to be a way. I can’t put him in the ground. I can’t do it. I just can’t,” I babbled as my breathing labored and stars erupted behind my eyes as I started to hyperventilate.
Azrael dropped the bags and rushed to my side, holding me as my knees buckled. He caught me against his chest and whispered against my ear.
“Inhale through your nose and out through your mouth, Emma. I know it hurts, trust me, I know. You’re going to be okay, not today, not tomorrow, but one day you’ll be able to breathe again. The pain won’t get easier, but you’ll learn to live with it. Right now, you need to focus on what has to be done. You have to bury him, because your father would want Grayson beside him. I know, because I’m inside of you. I can feel what you need to do and you’re not alone. Right now isn’t the time to fall apart. We need to give him a proper burial; he’s waited this long for you to find him, and now you need to be strong for just a little while longer. Let’s take him home, sweet girl, together. After that, you can fall apart and I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.”
“Oh, God, Addy,” I whispered through a sob.
“She’s waiting for you to bring him home,” he murmured as he stepped back and looked at me. “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, Emma. You can do this. Not because you want to, but because you have to.”
“I can’t,” I sobbed. “I can’t pick up the pieces,” I choked out brokenly. I couldn’t touch what was left of Grayson. I just couldn’t do it.
“I’ll do it,” he offered, moving past me and kneeling in front of Grayson. He picked each piece up with gentle care, as if it wasn’t the broken remains of my brother, but just an amputated limb he planned to put back on with surgical precision. Once he had everything in the proper place, he wrapped the thick plastic around the body to hold it together. I stood, sobbing as Azrael took care of Grayson’s remains, and more of my heart was shredded.
He’d done it for me. I couldn’t have loved him more if he’d brought my brother back to life. He’d handled my brother with love because he loved me. Azrael unzipped the black body bag, placed Grayson inside of it, and turned to look up at me.
“I know you don’t believe me right now, Emma, but it gets easier. I’m not going to lie and tell you that the pain goes away, because it doesn’t. You just adapt and learn to live with it better. Sometimes when you least expect it, that pain will consume you. Someday, though, you’ll be able to think about him without it feeling as if a knife is ripping you apart, I promise.”
“Azrael, how do I even take him home? They’re expecting him to be alive; it’s going to hurt everyone. Addy, she lost everyone. How do I tell her that I failed, or that I can’t stop this from happening to them all? Every time I take a step forward, I get pushed five steps back. I can’t promise them that they’re safe anymore, it’s a lie. Everything I touch or love dies, like I’m cursed!”
“Emma, that is life,” he urged. “This is what happens. People die every day, sometimes tragically so. This was beyond your control, and there wasn’t anything you could have done that could have been more than you already did. Please don’t second-guess this. Look at what you’ve accomplished. You’ve managed to save people where others would just as soon destroy them. You have taken lives, yes, but you’ve saved more than most people have. You can face them because you’re their leader. You were human when you saved them. Human, fighting against immortals, and yet you didn’t stop until they were safe. You’ve faced an alpha pack of rogue werewolves, and you won. No one expected you to win, yet you refused to fail. That’s what makes you beautiful, not what is out here for everyone to see, but what’s in here.” He tapped my heart. “I didn’t fall in love with you just because you’re beautiful, Emma. I fell in love with you because you fight against
the odds no matter how high they are, to protect those you love. Because, when those you love are in danger, you don’t look before you leap. You’re selfless, and you let your heart guide you, which, in this world, is pretty fucking rare. I fell in love with a little phoenix that burned to ashes, and rose up a fierce warrior who doesn’t give a shit about what others do or that the world is dying around her, she chooses to continue fighting for the underdog. So how will you face your people? Like the little girl who has protected them since the moment they entered her world. You’ll face them with your heart on your sleeve and head held high because it’s who your father taught you to be. A good man in a storm, Emmalyn,” he said evenly as he moved to where I stood, shoulders slumped in defeat. “You can’t be defeated. You can’t let her win. Use that anger; use what she did to help me take the bitch down. You can’t save Grayson, but you can save those who still need to be saved from your mother.”
“I want her dead,” I replied, straightening my spine, even though the only thing I wanted to do right now was crumble and not get up again. I wanted to crawl in that bag and die beside Grayson. I didn’t want to live in a world where he ceased to exist. I wanted to take the easy way out, but I wouldn’t. Azrael was right. I would help him kill my mother, and take out anyone who got in my fucking way.
“Use it. It’s your trigger,” he murmured, his lips brushing against my forehead as he turned, bent down and picked up my baby brother. “Let’s get to the Ark before it gets dark outside.”
We walked the better part of three miles in silence. Me needing the silence to ponder exactly how I would face my people and deliver the news of my worst failure to date, and him knowing I needed it. Once we entered the clearing for the Ark, I stalled as people sounded alarms to alert the others to our presence.
Death Before Dawn (Gaurdian's Diary Book 1) Page 24
