Guns were drawn and aimed at us until Liam and Addy were alerted, as word spread that I’d come home. Once she rushed from the shelter, she paused; her eyes darted to the black body bag and back to me. How was I supposed to do this? How could I tell her that I’d failed and Grayson was dead? How could I crush her world and allow her to feel this earth-shattering pain that I couldn’t even handle?
Her beautiful eyes filled with confusion and her shoulders slumped as she slowly made her way closer. How was I supposed to convince her that Grayson was dead when I didn’t even want to believe it myself? I wished this entire thing was nothing more than a nightmare, one that I could wake up from and have Azrael kiss the phantom pain away.
“Emma,” Addy’s voice trembled, her eyes shifting from me to the bag and back again. Liam moved into my vision and I blinked back tears, watching as he sniffed the air. His smile faltered and turned to a sad frown as he and his heightened senses put truth to the identity of the occupant of the bag. Others began to flow out of the Ark as the word of my homecoming made its way through it. Their excitement was short-lived as the importance of the small wrapped body began to register in their minds.
Tears swam in my eyes as I watched Addy shake her head as realization hit her. There was only one body I’d bring home to bury. One person I wouldn’t leave behind.
“No, no, it has to be wrong,” she whispered through tears. “He’s just a kid. She wouldn’t do that, she’s his mother.” Her hand covered her trembling lips and I couldn’t stop the sob that left my lungs as I made my way to her and hugged her against me. Everything I’d been holding in broke free, as if some dam opened up and the tears I’d thought I’d cried out let loose and proved me wrong.
We stood there, crying together. Others moved closer to us, hushed whispers sounded, but we ignored them as others started to cry silently with us. I could see Maggie; her gentle gray eyes swam with tears as she shook her head. I held my hand out, and she rushed forward; others who had loved Grayson did the same. I didn’t have to tell them he was dead, it was written on my face, in the tears I cried. In the defeat that marked me like nothing else could have.
I’d failed my brother, and I had to own it. I had to make it right. That emptiness was draining me, the little part of me that had once been bright because he’d been there slowly extinguished, and darkness took its place. My eyes swam with tears, blurred with them, but even through them, I locked eyes with turquoise ones in the distance that stared back. I blinked as I blearily realized Jaeden was here, at the Ark, and I wondered when he’d returned. Was it just the vampires, or did the wolves return with him?
“I’m so sorry, Emma,” Addy whispered as she sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too. I couldn’t save him, Addy. He was dead before I even left to try.”
“Where did ye find him?” Lachlan asked, as he smoothed the stray hair from my face. I closed my eyes briefly, relieved that Lachlan was here too. No matter what had happened, I missed him.
“At the dam,” I choked out as a tear slid down my cheek. “She killed him before she even left town.”
“He needs to be buried,” Azrael spoke softly, causing all eyes to turn in his direction. “He deserves to be given proper rites.”
“Is he the one who took ye, lass?” Lachlan asked. I could understand why Lachlan asked who he was; Lachlan had never gotten a good look at Azrael and at the moment, Azrael was wearing a leather jacket, jeans, T-shirt, and thin leather gloves to reduce the chance of anyone brushing against him. Azrael and I had decided on the way to the Ark that it would be better for us to minimize what the immortals knew about what we were, and what we could do.
“No, he’s the one who saved me,” I whispered as I clung to Addy like a lifeline. Really, he had. He’d saved me from myself, because I’d been slowly losing myself and going numb, and somehow, he’d breathed life back into me.
Chapter 29
Grayson was buried the following day. We’d asked those who hadn’t known him in life to remain in the shelter while we said our goodbyes under the old oak tree. There were a lot of new faces, and those were in addition to the men and their families from the National Guard unit I’d met in the mountains a few weeks ago.
I stood beside the pastor, a nice man who had also found his way to the Ark and become part of the community. I listened dully as he droned on about the world we now found ourselves stuck in. It wasn’t a nice place. It wasn’t somewhere you wanted a child to live or grow up in, yet his overall message was still one of hope despite the odds we faced.
I stood holding hands with Addy, while Azrael stood behind me at a safe distance from accidentally bumping into anyone. Shamus, Jaeden, and Astrid stood across from me, watching me. Jaeden had given me space, which I was grateful for. I had been avoiding him and Lachlan since we arrived the day before, because I just wasn’t ready to address what I had witnessed in that hellish town, and Jaeden hadn’t pressed the issue. Yet. Shamus, on the other hand, had demanded I come to his room and speak with him immediately following the funeral.
Yeah, like I was going to jump up and follow his orders.
I’d ignored everyone except Addy, needing to be close to the one person I had left in this world who really knew me. She understood the pain I was going through; shared it, even. I hated battering her heart even more when I explained that I couldn’t stay here. I’d filled her in on Trina’s new virus, one she’d weaponized against immortals.
I wouldn’t chance Trina bringing it here to use on my people. Azrael had agreed that a few days here wouldn’t hurt us, that we had people out looking and watching for any sign of her and her group of fallen Sentinels.
Shamus had to be dealt with as well; he couldn’t be allowed to use my Ark, my father’s life work, to grow an entire colony for his selfish use. After the debacle at the town, they must have made their way back here rather than continue the search for their maker and Lachlan’s father. They certainly hadn’t gone looking for me, and oddly enough, I was okay with that now. Azrael had been right; I wasn’t defeated and I was damn sure I wouldn’t be. I had refused to lie down and die beside Grayson. I had people who needed and depended on me keeping my chin up and my eyes on the prize.
Azrael had agreed to train me and felt that it would go faster now that I had found a trigger through Grayson. I wasn’t sure how it would help, but he’d promised to start training me tomorrow. I wanted to rush it, to get back in shape and train to take my mother and whatever supporters she had down. I was numb, I’d gone from denial, to numb, which everyone thought was a bad thing.
Maybe they thought that eventually, I’d explode. That my emotions would all flip on and everything would hit me at once. It was possible. Hell, anything was these days. Addy and I agreed to live every day as if it was our last.
She’d held me last night, and I’d held on to her. I’d cried and she had as well; all the while we’d been watched by Azrael, Liam, Lachlan and Jaeden. We hadn’t given a shit who witnessed it, or that they were watching us as we literally lost our shit. We’d whispered, we’d sobbed, then we’d sat up, wiped away the tears, and dressed to bury Grayson.
That was life now. You cried, you figured out how to go on again, and you kept going.
There was one thing I knew without a doubt that I had to do, which was get my mother. She had to be stopped at all costs. She was a murderer of children and families of this world. She had to be taken down before she could hurt anyone else. Before anyone else could suffer the way my family had.
After the service, I left to go to my old house. I needed to be where I had happy memories of my family. It was the last place we’d all been together before the world turned into a dark, gloomy place that chewed you up and spit you out.
I didn’t need to see Azrael to know he’d followed me here; I could sense him as surely as I could feel my arm was attached to my body. He’d been givi
ng me space, which I could sense bothered him, but he remained firm on allowing me to grieve in my own way. Everyone grieved differently; that was something I’d learned the hard way.
Cat had adopted Sarah to grieve over her own child, and in doing so, had grown to love the sweet toddler who had learned to giggle since I’d been gone. Others clung on to those they still had, while some shut down and mentally checked out. I wasn’t sure if what I was doing was actually grieving.
I entered the house and made a direct path to Grayson’s room. I stood in front of his door, wondering if it would smell like it had when he’d lived here. Normally, it had stunk of socks, or dirty laundry. God, I’d yelled at him to clean his room so many times. Coming home after my internship was a pain in the ass.
He’d never picked up after himself, always needed to be nagged to do so. One time I’d even threatened to take his charger cords, which had only made him scream about how much he hated me and wanted his mom back. It had hurt. I’d wanted to be his sister, but at the same time, our father had mentally begun to check out as he’d rushed the last things for the shelter to be functional. I’d stepped up to the plate, knowing that in a small town, rumors would begin to swirl. CPS would end up at the front door, and we’d end up going through the same shit again, so I’d done it all.
I’d cooked the dinners, done the laundry, and complained the entire time because it wasn’t my job. I’d give anything to go back to that time. I’d love to go back to that time of doing every mundane freaking chore, just to see them again. To catch the glimpses of them as they rushed here or there, or on my way out to work. I’d endure those kids who made fun of the prepper’s daughter willingly, meeting them with a smile as they did it.
I pushed the door open and closed my eyes as the wind pushed into the room. The windows were shattered; the neighbor’s tree had landed on the house, smashing out Grayson’s bedroom windows. The musky scent of mildew assaulted my senses, and I frowned. So much for the smell of dirty socks mixed with old food left in dishes. His computer was still on his desk, the chair had been knocked over, and the closet was open.
My eyes searched out every detail, knowing someone had been in here. Someone had gone through his room, why? Dagan or one of Trina’s other lackeys? It pissed me off. They had violated and murdered my family, and for what? To get to me? To use me to get Death? I’d give them death.
I progressed deeper into the room, the glass from the window crunched beneath my boots. The lace curtains blew from the wind as it raced through the room and down the open hallway. I looked around his small room and in a single moment of clarity, I knew what I had to do.
I made the bed, righted the chair, and cleaned the room. Once it was perfect, I walked out to the garage, pulled out the gas can and went back inside the house to Grayson’s room. I poured gas on the bed, the computer, everything, while moving impassively through the house until, once again, I stood outside staring at it.
I pulled a matchbox from my pocket and stared at it. We burn the dead; it’s what my father taught us. I had to burn this place down, because it was dead. It was a structure, and it felt like a piece of me. You remove the rotting parts of you. You cut them off, surgically or however you can to survive. I struck the match on the box, and dropped it.
The flame of the match hit the ground, igniting the gas as it rushed towards the house. Grayson hadn’t died alone. A huge part of me died with him, in a way. No one who had lived in that structure was alive. No one. That naïve girl who used to live here, she was gone. The one who’d done her best to be what her family needed had failed them. She’d thought she could save everyone, but it was impossible to save them all. I’d evolved. I was no longer the weak girl, but someone who would do her best to keep those who depended on her alive.
In order to be that person, I had to let go of the past. I had to let go of the things I couldn’t change and focus on the things I could. I couldn’t save the world. I was one girl; even immortal, I couldn’t save them. It was impossible, and while I wanted to, I had to deal with reality. There was me before I lost Grayson, and after. Me after him, well, I was going to live in the now, with the others who’d known the truth all along.
I’d refused to believe it. I’d refused to acknowledge that I might be fighting a losing battle. It had cost me Grayson. I wouldn’t let those rose-colored glasses touch my nose again. I had to get hard, to be hard; I had to be cold to live in this world because the fact was; it wasn’t the one we had loved. This new world wanted us dead, and to survive, we’d have to be as cold and dark as the world around us was.
I turned, and found Azrael staring at my crackling house. He knew what it symbolized. He felt it, and as he ambled towards me, I smiled at him. On my own, I couldn’t save the world, but with him, my odds just got a lot better. Maybe it wasn’t a losing battle. As if he sensed I needed him, he sped up; the dull shine of his leather jacket reflected the glowing flames.
“My sweet little phoenix,” he mumbled, his eyes searching mine as his own smile spread across his generous mouth. “You’re ready,” he murmured as his thumb came up and trailed my bottom lip. “I must admit, the idea of training you turns me on, Emma. I won’t be easy on you.” His voice was husky, as his eyes burned with naked intensity in their cerulean depths.
“I didn’t ask you to be,” I replied easily, as glass exploded from the attic window. I turned, looking at the house as I melted against him. “They’ll be watching us,” I whispered.
“I’m counting on it,” he mused. His hands cupped my face as his lips met mine in a toe-curling kiss that connected to my center and stirred the need that only he could create in my soul.
“Azrael, we can’t let her hurt anyone else. We have to stop her. You can’t go easy on me, because she won’t. She will throw everything she has at us and we must be ready. The entire world needs us to win.”
“Damn, Emma, no pressure?” he laughed, kissing me as he picked me up. The fire created a glow that lit up the dusk of night, lighting his features in the shadows. “I need to be with you, now, because tomorrow, you may not like me.”
“I’ll still like you,” I murmured. “There’s a cabin in the woods, though…one I’ve never taken anyone to…” My hair rustled. The world blurred and rushed past us. I really had to learn to move and travel like the Sentinels did.
Chapter 30
Apparently, Azrael already had somewhere else picked out. The house was one of the more secluded ones in the mountains. It didn’t have any power, but was illuminated from the many candles that he’d lit. As he would light each taper, his eyes would watch me every few moments as I wandered about the cabin. I leaned over and picked up yet another red rose.
“You planned this?” I asked, noting the wood stacked by the stove.
“If I say yes, then it’s premeditated seduction,” he smiled.
“There are fresh roses and rose petals scattered all over the floor, and wood stacked in the shed, along with candles, that are, get this…rose scented. The cabin looks like it belonged to a logger,” I pointed out, picking up a magazine that had an AR-15 with skulls painted on it. “Or a serious hunter who loves guns,” I smirked playfully.
“Or someone who didn’t want to be found,” he offered, not bothering to elaborate as he finished lighting the candles. “What do you think?” I studied him carefully as I sensed his nervous energy.
“I think this place is yours,” I whispered, looking at it through new eyes. It was secluded. Very secluded. No one would come up here, as there were no roads, only trails for ATV’s.
“What makes you think that?” He folded his arms over his chest as he looked at me through hooded eyes, heavy with lust.
“The sheepskin bedding, for one. It’s the same as you had on your bed. There’s also a sword mounted to the wall above the bed, which unless I’m wrong, looks like the ones you carry.”
“
You figured me out, Emma,” he smiled. “It’s mine,” he admitted. “I built it shortly after you were born. I would use it when I came to town to watch over you.”
“So what happens now?” I asked, flirting with him. I was nervous, but so was he. He oozed confidence, and yet there was a part of him that worried that he’d lose me and I loved that. I loved that he cared enough to worry.
“Now? Hmmm…I think you’ll need to remember that I like you, because I’m about to fuck you like I don’t,” he chuckled, his eyes lowering to the black silk dress I’d worn for Grayson’s funeral. “You gave a piece of yourself to Jaeden, and I want it. I want that piece of you. You’re mine now; I am asking for you to give it to me. I want nothing between us, no holding back, Emma. It’s just you and me, and there’s nothing standing between us.” His voice was low and sultry, which curled my toes with both excitement and unease.
“You have me,” I replied, feeling that little piece of me as I instinctively tramped it down, trying to keep it hidden. I wasn’t some sex goddess; I was insecure, and yeah, I hid pieces of me like a two-year old hid puzzle pieces around the house.
I wasn’t sure how to draw that part of myself out because I wasn’t even sure what it was. I’d watched other people change to be whatever the guy they were into liked, but I’d never done that. What you saw was exactly what you got with me.
I was a little crazy, a little insecure, and thought I was passingly pretty, nothing more. I wasn’t some great mystery or had some hidden talent. At least not in comparison to his experiences, growing up as a Sentinel and all.
“It’s not that, Emma.” He reached down and removed his shirt, slowly pulling it over his head. “You hold back, like you’re afraid to let go. Let go for me,” he ordered, his voice firm and full of confidence as he reached low and pulled the dress up over my head. It left me standing in my panties and bra. He picked me up and my legs wrapped around his waist as he walked me to the bed. The entire place consisted of one main room, a fireplace, and a bathroom.
Death Before Dawn (Gaurdian's Diary Book 1) Page 25
