by E. Davies
Cas flipped his notebook to a blank page. De-stressing herbs, in something cutesy and wooden and desktop-sized…
Oh. That’s it.
He’d need a few days to pull it together, and he had to check with Cora, but he had an idea. At least it was better than sitting around, waiting for something to happen.
Caspian had a long afternoon of sneaking sketches in between customers, but suddenly he was excited again. Just for a moment, he’d get a break from all these goddamn wreaths.
21
Matt
“So, if you don’t mind my asking… when did you figure out you were bi?”
Ryan—Orion, Matt now realized that stood for—glanced down at Matt as he held the ladder while Ryan finished screwing the security camera mount into the wall.
He’d never had this kind of conversation with a guy, but Orion had seemed more than happy to talk about himself before. He’d been just as friendly and open over the last few visits to the gym, whether he was talking about the gay bar that had gone up in flames or commenting about bi characters on a TV show.
He was even bigger than Matt, but he always had a bright smile. The way he talked about his boyfriend was clearly fond. It made him wonder about that happiness and self-assurance, and how he could get it himself.
“Well,” Orion said, climbing down the ladder and crouching to open the box. “It’s kind of hard to pin a definite date on it.”
Matt knelt by him to help sort out the plastic-wrapped cables. “You dated girls back in high school, right? I kinda remember you.”
“Yep,” Ryan smiled crookedly. He didn’t return the sentiment, which didn’t surprise Matt. He’d always done his best to blend in with the walls, and he’d been nowhere near this fit back then. He still felt like a weakling in disguise, even when people complimented his strength or looks now.
Matt handed over cables up to Orion, watching him work from below. “And then you realized you like guys, too?”
“No. I’m not into women.” Matt could have sworn he said bi, though. He furrowed his brows, about to apologize, but Ryan kept talking. “It took some time to figure out what word fit. I borrowed one of my boyfriend’s friends—Koby, you know him?”
The name rang a bell, but Matt couldn’t put a face to it. “Kind of?”
“He gave me a few lessons on… well, everything we weren’t taught in school.” Orion laughed. “But I realized it’s my own damn label to choose, and I can decide what word fits. I can’t feel attraction to women, I don’t think—I’ve tried and it didn’t work. But I can see myself being into the right nonbinary person. I’ve never tried, but… well, if Gabe—that’s my boyfriend—experimented? I wouldn’t stop being into him. I always liked flamboyant guys, feminine guys, twinks… it makes sense I wouldn’t mind someone androgynous.”
Matt sat back on his heels as all of that hit him. He hadn’t really thought of any other possibilities before. Yeah, he did like Cas’s underwear just as much as the rest of him. Maybe he was into people who defied society’s norms, too. “I never realized. I just always knew I liked men and women. But I didn’t see anyone like me—everyone chose a side and stuck with it.”
“Watching other people and trying to copy them is a recipe for unhappiness,” Orion told him and climbed back down the ladder. “One to go.”
They moved their gear over to the final spot—right in front of the front door—and started setting up the camera.
“You wanna grab coffee and talk about it sometime?” Ryan added.
It was a clear gesture of friendship. Matt could use more friends. Ryan had been so nice to him from the moment he’d walked into the security company’s office, not really sure what he needed or who to ask for help.
“That would be great. Thanks!” Matt wanted to pick his brain a little more. Was he supposed to feel equal attraction to men and women? What if he hadn’t dated many girls, but he’d slept with a lot of guys?
God, it was all such a minefield. Part of him wanted to ditch the label, but refusing a label would just mean others put one on him. And… fuck that shit. He was going to be whoever he wanted to be, and others could damn well respect that.
“I guess it’s just that I haven’t fallen for many people before,” Matt admitted. “And I’ve been dating this guy. First guy I’ve dated.”
“Oh!” Orion smiled. “Congratulations. That’s a big change.”
Matt smiled as he handed screws up the ladder. “It is.” It felt a little safer to talk like this, where he didn’t have to look the guy in the eye as he figured out his feelings about the whole thing. “I’m happy… but I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“I think that’s part of life,” Orion chuckled. They were interrupted by the sound of the drill as he attached the mount. Once that was done, he got to work installing the camera and they could talk again.
By then, Matt was a little clearer on his problem. “I guess I want people to see that I know what I’m doing.”
“That sounds like one of those deep-rooted things,” Orion told him. “We’ve all got ’em. But is it really helpful to think like that? Like, when Gabe and I got together, I was just kind of stumbling around blindly.”
“It feels like that,” Matt agreed, smiling. “Maybe it’s not helpful.” I’m concerned about looking like a loser, I guess. That was a direct throwback to his high school days. Maybe because he was living here again and seeing the same people who’d once laughed at him.
He was okay with it, or so he’d figured. He didn’t really hate them anymore, and they’d become better people for the most part. But the way he saw himself hadn’t changed much over the years.
“That’s still focusing on what other people think. If you wear that label, or if you date that guy, you do it for you,” Orion told him. “Trust me: anything else will screw you up.”
Damn it, Orion was right. The more he’d focused on trying to be perfectly straight or gay, or trying to be the perfect boyfriend before he let himself date guys, the less progress he’d made. Jumping in was the only way to learn.
“Did you always identify as bi, then?”
Orion shook his head. “It wasn’t until I moved back here and met Gabe again that I realized I was kind of into him. And I let myself explore that. Then people started saying oh, he’s gone gay now, and I didn’t like that, but I thought it was true.”
“Like, if you’re dating a guy, you’re automatically gay, and then if you’re dating a girl…” Matt trailed off, snorting. “My Grindr profile name was always Bi Unicorn. A lot of guys didn’t get it. They were just all, So when are you coming out for real?”
It was so damn cool to be able to talk about this stuff with someone who seemed to share more experiences than Matt had thought.
“Ugh,” Orion grumbled. “Sorry. Yeah. When I came out to my uncles, I had to repeat the conversation a few times before they figured it out. I mean, being attracted to nonbinary people is all hypothetical when I’m with Gabriel, but it’s still… me. And nobody gets to define me but me.”
Those words struck at Matt’s heart. No matter how other people perceived him, he was still him at the end of the day. “Even if they stereotype you?”
“People stereotype everyone. I mean, you get treated like a person pretty well here in Hidden Creek. But I’ve still had people go oh, you’re bi, you must sleep around,” Orion told him. “Or you must be into women.”
Matt blushed and tried not to look too guilty.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Orion laughed. “You learned something today. I’ve learned lots since hanging out with people who know more about this stuff.”
“I just wish they taught about all this earlier. Like, how are you supposed to know? Magic?”
“Well, there’s gonna be an LGBT community center sometime soon,” Orion told him with a smile. “And hanging out with other gay people helps a lot. Then you don’t have to justify yourself and you can learn at your own pace.”
“I don’
t know many,” Matt admitted.
Orion’s lips twitched into a smile. “I guessed.”
“Sorry.” It made Matt blush. Duh. Of course it was obvious. After all, Matt had approached him in the middle of the gym to talk about these words. But who else was he supposed to talk to? Nobody just said on the street, Hey, I’m bi!
“It’s fine, man.” Orion waved a hand. “I like talking about this stuff. We didn’t learn it in school, you’re right. So we gotta talk to each other and have each other’s backs.” He offered his hand to shake Matt’s. “Let’s meet for coffee, huh?”
There was the Hidden Creek community spirit again. It made Matt smile as he took Orion’s hand and shook it firmly. “That’d be great. Thanks a lot, man.”
He had a lot to think about.
Once he’d paid Orion’s invoice and saw him out, Matt headed for the front desk. He kept the screen with the cameras running in the background of the computer, smiling at it. One step closer to feeling like he was a real gym owner.
Matt checked Facebook on autopilot. More nasty comments, but they’d noticed by now that there were only a handful of people leaving a lot of loud, hateful suggestions about what should be done to the gym and its owners.
And, for the first time, there were some five-star reviews online… but oddly, not from people he recognized, either. Lift’s average had crept up to two-point-something now, though, so he appreciated it nonetheless.
His mind wandered back to Cas’s suggestion, which had rolled around his mind for days now. If Cas was right and what they wanted was a safe space, it was easy to honor the spirit of these campaigners’ wishes while showing the spirit of the gym.
Running those classes was a great place to start. He just had to figure out which hours would work best with minimal disruption to other patrons who didn’t fit into those groups. If he could start breaking down the data of who came to the gym and when, maybe he could find the right weeknight evenings to host classes.
That meant another task on his plate, but he spent enough damn hours here watching the door. He could manage that.
It was growth for the gym to start hosting classes, too. He could upsell them and make more of a profit, meaning he could hire more employees, upgrade equipment, and hell, maybe give himself a raise sometime this year.
So why did growth feel so scary?
When he thought about it, it kind of made sense: because it was a chance for him to fuck up and fall flat on his face. What if he started the classes and nobody came? That had been the number one fear that had held him back over the last six months.
What if someone showed up who wasn’t part of that community, but those were the only convenient times for them to attend? How could he turn them away? Or should he try to welcome them?
As soon as he started actually thinking about the issues, he realized how little he knew. He didn’t want to do the wrong thing accidentally. It would look bad to turn away customers without a good reason.
Then he caught himself: like Orion had said, he was thinking about how it would look.
It was impossible to set that aside, though. As a business, he needed to make a good impression. If he didn’t, a small business could easily crumble in a town this small.
If only there were easy answers.
And if only he didn’t feel like he was using all of this planning as a way of thinking about Caspian, and what the hell all of this meant for the two of them.
One problem at a time. First: figure out what days and times I can introduce classes. That way, he could stem the tide of incoming hate mail on Facebook. Then, and only then, he could stop and think about everything else, and what it meant for him, and whether he could really juggle all of this and treat a boyfriend right.
The last thing he wanted was to break anyone’s heart while he was busy figuring out where his own lay.
22
Caspian
“Excuse me. Do you have a minute?”
The last thing Cas expected was to be approached on the way into the gym, dressed to work out and getting into game mode. If Matt was in, he’d talk to him after his workout, but if not, he intended to sweat out his frustration anyway.
But this lady was dressed nicely, and she was loitering outside the gym door—just out of sight of the entrance, but close enough to intercept visitors.
Caspian didn’t recognize her, and he’d lived in Hidden Creek his whole life. He recognized, at least by sight, just about everyone here. He was already on guard as he stopped and smiled politely.
“Of course. Are you lost?” Tourists came here, after all. They didn’t usually hang around looking shady outside of the gym, but maybe this one wanted to tour all the gyms in Texas. A gym road trip to ogle all the hotties? He wasn’t judging.
“Oh, no.” She laughed. “How kind of you to ask. Hidden Creek is such a great little town, don’t you think? Really safe and friendly.”
Cas could recognize a leading question when he saw one. “Uh huh. I like living here,” he answered, not giving her anything more to work with.
“I love that real community spirit. Have you been going to this gym for long?”
Cas narrowed his eyes. He was starting to suspect what this might be, but surely… “Not long, no.”
“I don’t know if you’re aware, but…” She leaned in and lowered her voice, like she was relaying something horrific or scandalous. “There’s a mixed changing area. In a community like this, that’s the last thing I expected.”
Cas raised his eyebrow. “And…?” he prompted. If she was going to do this, he was going to make her work for it.
“Mixed.”
“And?”
“And… the sexes… are mixing. Together. In public.” She gestured, as if the problem should be obvious. “Do you have a wife? A mother? A sister?”
Cas bit back his smile. If she thought he was straight, she was living in some weird alternate universe. “They were out of wives in the token machine. I’ve got a mom, though.”
“Oh, does your girlfriend—”
“No. I don’t have one.” It was a lot less fun to verbally spar with the ignorant. If she didn’t understand that she was using hypothetical women as tokens, he wasn’t going to explain it yet. She might figure that one out later on her own.
The women who already went here were fine with the situation—liked it, even. He had to wonder how they’d responded to her telling them they shouldn’t like the setup.
The familiar face in the red car pulling into the parking lot lifted his spirits. Kelly was exactly the right person to help him out right now. She wouldn’t suffer fools gladly, and…
Wait. She was driving through the lot and out the exit on the other end.
His heart dropped like a stone. Maybe she agreed with these assholes. Or maybe she didn’t want to be harassed when she just wanted to work out.
Fuck.
“Oh, you’ll find the right woman someday,” the protestor assured him, hand on heart, ignoring his moment of distraction. “When God makes it so.”
The preachiness was getting nauseating. He resisted the urge to be obnoxiously gay and just smiled. “Thanks for saying so.”
“Would you want your mom getting changed in an environment with strange men?”
“I dunno, she got changed around me for years,” Cas shrugged. “If she’s happy, that’s her own business. And there aren’t a lot of strangers in town, aside from you. We all know each other. But you’d be welcome to share space with us, even if you are a stranger.”
She was starting to suspect that he wasn’t on board with this. She stared for a moment. “But… but safety. It’s just indecent.”
“Have you seen those stalls? You’d have to be about twelve feet tall before anything indecent popped out over the stall walls.”
She drew back and started to look offended. “I don’t expect unattached males to understand. When you have daughters of your own…”
“I’ll hope they have somewhere private
and safe to change, where they don’t have to pass some stranger’s test of whether their hair is long enough and their skin is soft enough to be allowed in.” Cas smiled at her. “Good day to you, ma’am.”
She was left sputtering in his dust as he headed inside. He’d already ditched his plan of a workout in favor of finding Matt.
He wasn’t hard to spot. Rory was on the front desk, but Matt was sitting on one of the weight benches and staring at the wall.
“Earth to Matt,” Cas teased and sat next to him.
Matt came out of his reverie slowly and blinked. “Oh. Oh, hey. I didn’t know… you were coming here.”
“Yep. You know about the lady outside, right?”
Matt’s crestfallen expression told him everything. “She’s scaring off the members. I think she’s been here for days.”
Ugh. Why the hell hadn’t Matt told him? Cas could have shown up earlier and given him a hug. At least he could do that now. He drew Matt into him and rested his forehead on his shoulder. He could feel the tension in Matt’s body, and he wished there were more he could do.
“Have you called the cops?”
Matt shook his head. “If I do, I just piss them off. Then they start, I don’t know, flyer-bombing the town.”
A few days ago, he might have thought Matt was being dramatic, but now Cas wasn’t so sure. “I didn’t think they were serious enough to come here in person,” he admitted.
“Me neither. Did you see the flyers on the desk?”
Cas shook his head. “I just came straight to find you.”
That made Matt smile. He finally looked over and put a hand on Cas’s knee. It didn’t feel like they were just friends talking now, which made Cas relax. “I came up with a schedule for the classes you talked about.”
“Oh, cool!” Cas smiled. Classes in general seemed like a good idea for the gym. “So, how’d they take it?”
“Well, there’s two of them lurking around outside. When I finally got them to stay put long enough to talk to me and I told them about it, what did they say?” Matt’s frustration blew up as he raised his voice. “That I’m discriminating! Having classes where only women go is bad. They want places where only women can go, but not this way. And I said what about places where nobody feels excluded and she didn’t know what I meant. I, uh… might have told her to go fuck herself.”
