The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition)

by John Harding

  “Can you believe that?” Paige asked as Jack returned. “God I hope the other two don't do that.”

  Claire gave a nervous smile and hesitated. “Well the next one was a bit creepy on the phone.”

  “Oh great. Do we actually need an agent? I don't even know what they do.”

  Claire hummed and looked at Jack. “Shall we have another go at Cotton Tails? I think someone needs to calm down,” she said, looking at Paige with a glare. “Can't believe you did that to his phone!”

  Their peace was shattered half-an-hour later when “Philip T A Fletcher-Smythe” rang Claire's mobile and she retrieved him from Jack's drive after the three of them got dressed. Once again, she showed him the studio, and he snorted in derision.

  “Yeah it's a nice amateur set up,” he told them in his nasally, posh voice and looked at Paige as he came into the reception room. “You guys are amateur. But I came to see the star.”

  “Pardon?”

  “You,” he told her. “Your songs were good, I liked 'em, but your voice, love. Ahhh, it's pretty sweet. And I came to get you. I've got a couple of top notch songwriters who will fight bears to get your voice on the end of their songs, and I got some cracking guitar players who could make some serious music.”

  “So you want Paige, and only Paige?” Claire asked, and she looked at Jack. “Well we know our musical ability is nothing compared to Paige's singing …”

  “I don't like this,” Paige interrupted. “We started together.”

  “But we formed to give your voice a platform,” Jack told her. “We did this to get to this moment. We've served our purpose.”

  “No,” Paige said firmly. “You came to see the Bare Necessities not Paige Simmons.”

  “I came to see you,” he corrected her and in a sanctimonious tone continued. “And listen, I can take your tracks to half-a-dozen A&R people. Top, top, people who will listen and I reckon we can get an advance on an album. Maybe twenty, maybe fifty thou. And you can break free of this. Your voice needs better and I can give you that. Think of it, fast cars, luxurious apartment, proper entourage. Jetting around the world. More money in the bank than an African country. Just move on. Like a star striker playing for Crystal Palace when Arsenal come calling. I can make your dreams come true, Paige.”

  Paige gulped. “My voice …” She started and licked her lips as she thought. “It doesn't work without these two and what they bring. Our music doesn't work without them.”

  He snorted. “Those songs aren't bad, but they are not Premier League. Your voice, could be. Really one of the best in the world. With my help.”

  Paige laughed. “I don't think so,” she said firmly.

  Phillip Fletcher-Smythe looked at Jack. “You tell her 'cause that's the problem with her sort. They're so used to having nothing, they don't know what they have got.” He gave a forced laugh and sneered.

  Paige smiled sweetly. “Do you have a phone?” She asked, and he hesitated.

  “Why?”

  “I'd like to see it?” Paige replied at the man desperate to charm her and he looked anxiously at her friends, fidgeting awkwardly.

  “Paige, don't do it. Not again.” Jack put his hand across the agent's body, but Paige stood up angrily.

  “I'm not going to throw it out of the window, I'm going to take it and stick down his throat so far that he will be farting the dialling tone for the rest of his life. And then I am going to kick him in the nuts so his eyes water and then …”

  “Paige,” Claire cried and put her arm across her angry friend. “A simple 'no' works, but listen to what he is saying. Your voice is …”

  Paige pushed Claire's arm away and grabbed the suited man by the scruff of his neck, just as Jack had done earlier in the day, and threw him towards the door.

  “I've come all the way from Belgravia,” he moaned. “Your friends can see what a good opportunity this is for you. You need to break free from them.”

  “Out!” Paige yelled. “Get out of my space!”

  “It's your choice, love. But they'll all say the same. Your voice is decent, their talent isn't and …”

  “They are my friends. We are in a band. We formed to make music. You either sign all of us or none of us.” She pushed him towards the front door, and he opened it as the angry singer stood behind him. “If I can't sing with them, I don't want to sing.”

  Jack came up behind her as she watched the man reverse his car out of the family drive way as she panted. “I hate people like that. Why …” She turned around to see pained expressions on Jack and Claire's faces and she crossed her arms. “What?”

  “You should have thought about it,” Claire told her. “I know I can sing OK, and I can play the guitar to a reasonable standard, but I am not exceptional. I might be decent, mediocre or good, but your voice is incredible. If anyone is going to make it to the top, it's you.”

  “And we will only slow you down or stop you,” Jack added. “We started recording music to put your talents down in music and …”

  “You're wrong,” Paige told them both quickly. “Totally wrong. You can play the guitar, Claire. That guitar solo at the start of Girls is epic, and Jack, your piano sound on Don't Leave Me. I can't do that, and, if I can't make it to the top with my friends, I don't want to.”

  Claire and Jack hummed. “But you've only known us for three months.”

  “Yes, I know.” Paige took a few deep breaths and bit her fingernail. “But,” she said with her finger in her mouth. “But, I feel happy singing again. And that's it, I've said it. If they don't want to accept Bare Necessities, then we don't sign.”

  “I think you are making a mistake,” Jack told her.

  “Me too,” Claire added.

  “You think that,” Paige snapped as she pushed past them to get the reception room. “But I am not signing anything that is for Paige Simmons and only Paige Simmons. We started this together, but we are going to finish it together.”

  Jack rubbed his eyes. “I admire your loyalty …”

  “I don't want your admiration,” Paige snapped as she poured herself a glass of water. “At first I disliked you, you were a spoilt, little posh boy playing at making music, but as I got to know you I found that underneath the spoilt child was a nice guy who I have got to like. You still irritate me. You still need to cut the apron ties with Mummy and Daddy, but I like you. And I like Claire, I found someone who likes singing with me. And we have the weirdest band going, but that's what it is, a band. A group.” Her eyes narrowed and dropped to the floor. “A family, almost. And I don't want to split that band up, not yet.” She looked at Jack and Claire. “And, I don't think I could make it through the music business on my own. And I don't think I want to.”

  Claire tutted and she flinched when her phone beeped. “It's a message from the last guy, says he is early but are we OK to meet him?”

  “If he says I have to split with you two, I am going to kick him so bloody hard,” Paige warned.

  “Just think about it,” Jack told her. “We can still make music when you aren't touring foreign continents and stuff, but it could be a great opportunity for you.”

  Paige waited for Claire to leave the room, and she glared at her friend. “I don't want to do it without you and Claire,” she hissed at Jack. “I want to be part of a band. Part of a family. I am not going solo, so stop thinking that I will.” The smiling face of Andre Wilson interrupted Paige's hushed conversation, and he shook Jack's hand, and then Claire's and offered it to Paige. “Tell me, who have you come to see?”

  “Err … well you and your friends. Or is it band mates? Or peers? Bare Necessities. I think you're Paige. Chloe and Jack.”

  “Claire,” Paige corrected him. “I'm Paige, that's Jack and that's Claire.”

  “Sorry.”

  “What I mean is, do you like us as a band?”

  “Yes,” Andre answered, a little perplexed. “I saw your video on YouTube and did some research. Found out you were unsigned and loved the music on MyS
pace.”

  “Yeah, you are the third agent we have seen today,” Paige told him. Claire put her head in her hands and groaned as Paige reeled off the names of the other two visitors.

  “They are top names,” he told her. “Interesting characters certainly. But scouts for top agencies, and they'll take you to the top in their own way, no doubt. If you have those offers, I guess I should bid you farewell.”

  “Sit down,” Paige ordered angrily. “I threw the phone of one of them out of the window, and I threw the other one out of the flat. Let's just say I won't be signing for them.”

  Andre whimpered. “Right. Well. OK.”

  “They were nasty people.”

  “They were arrogant but honest,” Claire corrected her and Paige crossed her arms, scowling.

  “They said I should do a fake lesbian act with you and make a sex tape, or split us up,” Paige snapped and she looked at Andre. “If you are about to say anything like that then you better sod off now.”

  “No,” Andre said softly. “I represent Incredible Talents, and I gotta say, We really liked your stuff. Really liked it. It was totally incredible, guys. Great songs, guitar work good. I mean, it's not totally perfect, but I can see it doing well in the charts and … just great. I think as a group, you could do well. And if you did want a solo career, then you'll be fine too.” He looked at Paige and she shook her head. “Who wrote the songs?”

  “I wrote half of them,” Jack replied. “Paige wrote a few.”

  “So that's good. I'll be honest, groups do have a tendency to split up after awhile so you got to think about that, but I would love to sign you guys up as a group.” Paige smiled and looked at Jack and Claire with a smile on her face. “I do need to ask though, why sing naked? If it's a gimmick, you don't need to.”

  “Err …” Jack looked at Paige.

  “It's not a gimmick,” Paige said firmly. “I'm a naturist. I just can't sing any other way. I've tried and I just freeze up.”

  “Right. Well two options then, we either look to get you so are comfortable with clothes …”

  “ … or?”

  “Well, it's not as easy, but we could have you playing to clothing-optional venues and places were the audience is receptive to nudity. Brighton beach would be good. That sort of place. Get a reputation in those sorts of places. It'll take longer, but that's what Take That did, they toured gay clubs, built up such a following, it enabled them to go mainstream.”

  “But Take That weren't gay?” Paige replied instantly. “Were they?”

  “I am not getting into that,” Andre said with raised eyebrows. “But we'd look to get you on tour supported by an album that you say you have. Get that on iTunes, maybe in the charts. Properly licensed of course. And then see where we go.”

  Paige looked at him and nodded. “I'm liking the sound of you,” she told him, and he opened his bag to pull out a sample contract.

  Paige did try to get them all to strip before continuing their discussion, reasoning that the Bare Necessities should conduct their business naked, but Andre blushed and Claire stopped Paige from being too demanding by dispatching the trouble-maker to the recording room to burn a copy of their album onto CD for him. The red-haired tease charged him £5 for the disc. “They sell like hotcakes,” Paige teased, and Andre handed over the battered five-pound note.

  “I think it's a bargain,” he replied with a smile as Paige put the £5 note on the shelf. “I'll ring you,” he promised Claire. “Get a meeting with my uncle. I think he'll be interested on getting you guys out a bit, on tour for a few venues in the summer, if you're happy with that?”

  “As long as I can sing naked,” Paige replied.

  “I thought you'd say that; I'll tell my uncle. You up for going on tour, though? I'm only thinking of ten venues in two or three weeks.”

  “Yeah,” Paige said and her eyes sparkled excitedly. “Definitely.”

  Jack nodded. “Sure,” Claire added. “Let's see what happens with the contract and then, yeah, it sounds good.” Andre shook the hands of the three band members and smiled at Claire as she showed him to the door.

  “See,” Paige told them triumphantly. “We can stay together. And going on tour, that sounds so exciting.”

  “Do you think you are more likely to go to number one with Andre or the other two?” Jack asked sanctimoniously. “Honestly?”

  “Andre,” Paige replied instantly. “Because if I was with the other two, I would have to hurt them before I could start the day. And then they'd sack me.”

  Chapter XII

  “My demands,” Harriet told him as she burst into his room. “It's OK. I had so many ideas.”

  Jack looked up from the bed and put his book to one side. “Demands? Oh that. You could be nice and promise to keep my secret as I have kept all of yours.”

  “Don't be a moron,” Harriet snapped and she rubbed her scheming hands together. “You see, I thought about getting you to stripteases for my friends. We have birthdays coming up, and they'd like it, but, you see, I don't want to see you naked. Don't take it personally, but, hell, you're my brother.”

  “And I wouldn't do it. In fact, I won't do anything.”

  “Yes you will,” Harriet snapped and rubbed her toe along her foot as she thought. “You see, I saw that video, and if Mum and Dad saw that, well, they'd … they'd … well they'd go mental, let's be honest here.”

  “I'm not being blackmailed, especially not by my baby sister, so you are wasting your time. And I don't think you will tell because it's not in your nature and you have nothing to gain from this. Unless you think our parents keeping a closer eye on what we both get up to is a good thing.”

  Harriet shook her head. “Keeping a closer eye on you, not me,” Harriet argued and sighed. “I want you to screw over that common girl in the front.”

  “Paige?”

  “I want to see her upset. And I know you will do it.”

  “Why? What's Paige done to you?”

  “It's not her I hate. It's red hair,” Harriet admitted. “Steve, my ex left me for a ginger slapper as they are slutty and dirty and I hate them all. I want hidden camera shots of her doing everything. Singing, dancing, eating, going to the toilet. Screwing. And then I can put it on YouTube. I want to destroy her.”

  “Harriet, this is silly. I am not going to help you upset my friend. Now get out of my bedroom,” Jack ordered. “Out!”

  “I'll tell Mum,” she threatened and Jack jumped down from his bed.

  “No you won't. Now get out.”

  “You're making a mistake,” Harriet warned. “A tremendous mistake. I will tell Mum and Dad, and they will screw with you.”

  “Out!” Jack yelled and closed his door firmly.

  * * * * *

  “Hello Andre,” Claire said. “Sorry, I missed your call, I was working.”

  “Look, I've spoken to my uncle and we are definitely interested in signing you guys up. We like your sound and we've been talking to record companies and everything.”

  “Excellent,” Claire beamed. “That'll be great. I'm seeing Paige later. This sounds exciting.”

  “Yes,” Andre muttered and Claire hesitated. “He did say that the whole naked thing will be a problem though.”

  “Ohh … why?”

  “Well it's just there are many venues, and most countries that won't accept you as a naked performer. It will cause a problem for us, and as such, my uncle thinks that Paige will need to get over her fear of singing in public instead of …”

  “No!” Claire cried. “Paige sings naked, that's us. I thought you knew this!”

  “I do,” Andre stressed. “But let's face it, the amount of venues that will have you is pretty low. So, some nudist colonies or nudist beaches, but where are you going to go after that? Strip clubs?”

  Claire sighed. “We thought you understood. I thought you …”

  “If you want to make money,” Andre interrupted her. “Then you need to compromise. Sure, we can still get some nudist
places in, but if you play some places you need to be clothed. What if we can get you onto a chat show to promote your single, what then? Now if, you want to be naked, I get you into any men's magazine you want, and they'd love au naturel pictures, but not for the day job. That's just the reality, love. You need to talk to Paige, make her see sense. I can get her counselling and …”

  Claire snorted. “Well sorry then, the deal's off.” Andre stammered, but Claire ended the call and then rejected Andre's attempts at calling her back, striding through the Croydon rush hour bustle to reach Paige's house.