The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition)

by John Harding

  Lucinda cleared her throat. “Because … he's turned into a bastard.”

  “Well it's easy,” Paige replied as she passed the letter back to Jack. “Tell him to do one, it's not his life.”

  “It's a big decision,” Lucinda replied and looked at her nephew. “A very big decision.”

  “Is it bollocks?” Paige shouted. She looked at Claire and Jack and then at Lucinda. “It all depends on whether Jack has a spine or not.”

  “You are asking him to sacrifice his family,” Lucinda said a quiet voice. “It's … I gave in. Or more to the point, my partner gave in 'cause he could see what it was doing to me. That was your father, so I don't think you understand …”

  “I do,” Paige interrupted and looked at her friend. “So, OK, what's it to be? Us or them?”

  “Paige,” Claire called.

  “No,” she girl shouted. “I am asking Jack. Do we count for anything? Do I count for anything?”

  Jack thought and wiped his eyes. “It's a … it's …”

  “Oh for Christ's sake,” Paige cried and stormed towards the door. “Spineless posh bastard,” she muttered. She turned and looked at him. “I thought we really had something.”

  “It's so easy for you,” Claire yelled back. “It's not you that has to choose.”

  “No,” Paige shouted back. “But if I did, I wouldn't even need to think about.” She sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I need to use the laptop, and then we better go. If this is going to be our last performance we better make it pretty awesome.”

  * * * * *

  “There's a problem,” Andre told them. “The organisers have been told that if you are going to headline the act …”

  “... We can't be naked,” Paige finished for him. “Well they can do one.”

  “Paige, listen. I know it's not as comfortable for you, but they have told me that you will be arrested.”

  Paige shook her head. “Sorry. This could be our last gig, it's got to be perfect.”

  “Last gig?” Andre asked and looked at Claire.

  “I'll tell you later,” Claire promised. “I hope not. Jack has family problems.”

  “But you can do one thing for me,” Paige said and pushed into Andre's hand a home-burnt DVD. “That big screen up there. We can use that while we do our act, can't we?”

  “Err … I think so.”

  “Andre, this is extremely urgent. I read the contract, and there was a piece in it there. Now I can promise ya, this ain't got any nudity or swearing on it, but at the end of the show I will ask you to play it, and I want you to play it. With sound. It's a sort of thank you. Can you do that?”

  “Paige, what is it?” Claire asked in a concerned voice and Paige smiled.

  “Please, Andre. Just do it. It's really important to me.”

  Andre looked at her and hesitated. “Hey, Andre, you've made a pretty packet out of us, it ain't much,” Claire told him, and he reluctantly agreed.

  “If I get arrested …” Andre moaned, and Paige looked at him.

  “You aren't going to get arrested. And it's up to Jack here. After the gig, he has to decide to come with us and do a tour, make a second album, and who knows what else. Or go and work with his dad.” Andre blinked and looked at the man.

  “I told you,” Jack sighed. “I love being here.”

  “No offence,” Paige spat. “But I saw your face. I'll believe you when you are with me at gone midday tomorrow.”

  Jack shrugged and ran his hands through his fair hair. A runner knocked on the door, and Paige grabbed a T-shirt that Andre held out for her. “I'd strongly advise,” he started, and Paige snorted.

  “I know,” Paige interrupted, and Claire picked up a T-shirt from Andre.

  “And thank you,” Claire whispered to him. “I do appreciate your efforts.”

  “Well I'm glad someone does,” he moaned and watched as his beautiful girlfriend put a T-shirt over her shoulders to cover her body to her thigh.

  “Hey, Good Luck,” Andre told Jack as he passed him the biggest T-shirt.

  Jack sighed. “Cheers.”

  “Last gig?”

  Jack shrugged. “Paige seems so keen for me to prove her right. I keep wanting to tell her how I feel, but I'm starting to believe she doesn't want to hear it.” Andre's smile disappeared.

  “I'm sure she does. She's just … Paige.”

  Jack smiled. “I better go,” Jack muttered. “I'll see you at the Police Station.”

  Paige strutted on stage to raucous applause and waved across the park. There were several large screens dotted around the grounds and thousands of people in front of her screaming in ecstasy as the diminutive singer took the microphone. “Hi,” she yelled and her voice echoed off several objects as it came out of dozens of speakers. She smiled. “This is the biggest audience I've ever played to,” she told them, and there was a small cheer from the crowd. “And this could be our last gig.” She gulped and looked behind her at Jack. “Someone has to make a decision. But I have never sung in public with crap on.” She tugged at the plain white T-shirt and scanned the crowd. “So who here, wants me to take it off?”

  There was a loud thunderous cheer from underneath her, and Paige smiled. She put the microphone back on its stand, pulled her T-shirt from underneath her and threw it into the audience. “I am so getting arrested later,” she promised the crowd, and turned to face her band mates. They shrugged at her, and Claire put her guitar between her legs and took her T-shirt off, with Jack following the lead of his two band mates. “Hot N Cold?” Paige asked, and they launched into their rendition of Katy Perry's classic.

  It was a warm night, and Paige managed to get several of her fans to strip to the waist, and a few to strip completely naked. She persuaded a young lady to join her on stage as they massacred Bad Reputation, but the Bare Necessities were permitted ninety minutes on stage, and that gave them ample time to complete their album, plus interact with the audience.

  Paige had noticed four Police officers gathering at the side of the stage and she took the microphone, pointing to them. “I said I was going to get arrested, and I think I am,” she said. “This is the end of our bit. There are some great acts to come. But before we go …” Paige skipped to the end of the stage away from the Police officers gathering in the wings. “... And before I get arrested,” she said to boos from the audience. “Andre, press play please. This is what happened when we secretly recorded our visit to Christian Outrage.” The Police officers strode onto the stage as a chorus of boos rang out, and Paige went behind Claire and Jack, still with the microphone. “This is taken from my special broach,” she shouted. “It's got a video camera on it. And it shows what nasty people Christian Outrage are.”

  Paige was bundled to the floor as the inside of Jack's car came into view on the big screen and thousands of people turned to watch as the two teenagers walked towards Sue Garratt's house.

  Paige kicked back at the Police officers and wiggled free, dancing to the front of the stage and away from their grasp. She swung her hips to the side as they came to get her, and Paige skipped free from their reach and ran towards the side of the stage, pushing another officer to the floor with her hand. She just made it to the edge of the platform when a fourth Police officer bundled her to the ground and took some handcuffs from his pocket.

  “You're nicked,” he hissed into her ear, just as Sue's voice came over the speakers.

  * * * * *

  “And sign there, please,” Paige was asked and passed a pen by the Police Officer. Paige scribbled the document in front of her and she looked up at the solicitor watching her with Andre hovering behind. “Where's Claire and Jack?”

  Andre sighed. “Claire is umm … well she's waiting for you in a side room.”

  “And Jack?”

  “Ummm …”

  “Bastard's left hasn't he?”

  Andre shrugged. “Sorry Paige. His father came when Claire was released a couple of hours ago.”

  Paige turned to the
custody sergeant. “Why the hell was I kept for two more hours?”

  “Because only one of you was arrested for assault of a Police Officer and resisting arrest,” she was told assertively. “Your two colleagues were more cooperative.”

  “Well colleagues is a bit strong now, isn't it?” Paige snorted and wiped her eyes. “Oh, and while I am here, I would like to make a complaint.”

  The sergeant sighed. “What is it now?”

  “I would like to report blackmailing. That's against the law isn't it? Trying to get money to stop doing something.”

  “Paige?” Andre called, and the teenager held out her hand to her agent.

  “DVD please?”

  “What?”

  “The DVD you played, can I have it?” Andre fished around in the side pockets of his jacket and passed it to her. “Evidence. I guess you may have seen it at the festival.”

  “I think he probably saw it on the news,” Andre informed the indignant young lady. “Someone uploaded it onto the Internet.”

  “Oh yeah, that was me. But I want to make a Police complaint.”

  “I can certainly get someone to take a statement,” he offered, but Andre stepped in.

  “Another time. Paige, we have a press conference.” Paige went to speak, and Andre looked at her. “I have already made a complaint and they will need to get a statement from you, but now is really not the time.”

  Paige grunted and tutted. “I'll be back,” she warned the sergeant and snatched at her belongings that were taken from their dressing room when she was arrested. Claire leapt up from her chair and wrapped her arms around her friend when she entered the small “relatives room” and looked at the long T-shirt and shorts Paige was wearing.

  “They don't go,” she teased.

  “Well blame your bloody boyfriend,” Paige muttered. “I was arrested with nothing on, remember?”

  Claire cocked her head at Andre who held his hands up. “Sorry. I just thought something was better than nothing.” She snorted.

  “Well Claire's are fine.”

  Andre shook his head. “Hey, and who said he was my boyfriend?” Claire asked her as it dawned on the curvaceous girl what Paige had said. “I …”

  Paige just giggled and shrugged. “It's OK. I think you two are good together.”

  “Hazel was asking after you,” Andre told the red-haired girl. “I sent her tickets to Hyde Park. And George for Claire and Harriet for Jack. I know Hazel came, 'cause I saw her.”

  “And you didn't tell me?” Paige thundered.

  “Hey, look, I was busy getting your revenge on the screen, getting you legal representation, getting clothes down here, organising a press conference. I've not slept for 24 hours because of you,” Andre replied, a little angrily.

  “Well come on then, let's do this press conference. It'll be a horrible one to do. Where is it? On the steps of Police Station?”

  “The Wandsworth Hotel,” Andre told her. “And Greg is down there, and he said they cannot fit the amount of press in to the room. I have written a statement for you after Jack left and …”

  “I don't need it,” Paige said, dismissively. “I know what I want to say.”

  “Well I think something balanced. So you don't get lost for words and …”

  “I never get lost for words.” She pushed past him and shrugged. “Well come on.”

  Claire looked apologetically at Andre. “This could end very badly,” Claire whispered.

  * * * * *

  The pained face of Jenny Ashridge took the stage a few cameras flashed. “This is just a short statement, from the trustees of Christian Outrage,” she said and had to clench her fists to stop her hands from shaking. She blinked a few times and focused on the text.

  “We are deeply troubled by the allegations of criminal conduct and subsequent arrest of our founder and leader Sue Garratt. It would be inappropriate for the trustees to comment further while there is an ongoing Police investigation.”

  The PR lady coughed and rubbed her nose. “It is our belief that Sue Garratt acted below the standards we expect of all our members, and it is with great sadness that we, the trustees, are to disband Christian Outrage.”

  There was a few further clicks of the cameras and Jenny took a sip from the glass of water on the table. “There is a great need for Christian morals to be presented to our mainstream media, who too often focus on the tacky, immoral and unhealthy elements to deprave and tarnish our society and the trustees will work to ensure any remaining funds are diverted to a good cause. Thank you.”

  Jenny got up from the chair and looked at the handful of journalists. “Printed copies of the statement will be available.”

  “What do you make of the news that Bare Necessities are splitting up?” A lone voice spoke.

  Jenny turned to look at the gum chewing journalist with dirty fingernails and a stained jacket. She clenched her fists. “I … I … I … I think that they are dirty, scheming rat bags and will be forced into the fires of hell for all eternity,” Jenny spat. “To be so underhand and nasty to such a nice woman. It's evil. No good will come of that girl,” Jenny ranted, and the journalist smiled.

  “Thank you,” he said sweetly and stopped the dictaphone; he had his story for the paper.

  * * * * *

  Jack sat on the end of the bed watching the rolling news channel. “Hey, the rest of your life starts now,” he was told. “I can't say I'm not disappointed in you,” his father said and packed the last of his belongings into the bag. “I can't say I'm not angry. I mean, that Paige, she's a dirty little tramp, we can all see that. I can see why your head got turned. But hey, that's just growing up.”

  “She was wonderful,” Jack muttered. “Absolutely wonderful.”

  “She was a …” His father stopped as Jack watched Paige, and Claire emerge from the Police station and Andre step in front of the two to tell the press pack that a press conference would be taking place in the next twenty minutes and Jack felt a tear come to his eye. “Stop this!” His father ordered and switched the television off as “BREAKING NEWS: BARE NECESSITIES SPLIT” appeared on the bottom of the screen. “It's over.”

  “But … why?”

  “Why? Because they are going nowhere, you were making fools of yourselves, and there is a perfectly good job for you at my factory.”

  “Yeah,” Jack said and sniffed, getting up from the bed. “Your factory, not mine. This was my band. Sorry, is my band. She was perfect.” Jack mumbled and pursed his lips together. “Lucinda said it, and I never listened. Life's too short to let someone else run it for you.”

  “Someone needs to run it for you when you make such silly decisions,” Paul barked aggressively. “I've always done what's best for you.”

  “No. You've done what's best for you.”

  “I gave you every present you ever wanted. Recording studio. Guitar. Car. Computer. Driving Lessons.”

  “You gave me those presents in lieu of a father,” Jack shouted. “You did that so you wouldn't feel guilty about not spending time with your son.”

  “That's not true,” Paul shouted back. Jack took a few steps towards the door, and Paul grabbed hold of his son's muscular arms. “Where are you going?”

  “This life,” Jack shouted and pointed towards his father. “Isn't me. I will not be the person you want me to be. I am an artist, not a businessman. I'm a naturist, not a prude. And most of all, I'm in love. And if I don't tell her now, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Just like Lucinda does. And I won't make the same mistakes she did.”

  Paul snorted and grabbed hold of his son's arm tightly, but Jack pushed him away and got to the door. “Don't throw your …” He started, but Jack was already racing down the corridor. He reached the stairs and jumped down them two at a time, before emerging into the lobby.

  Jack dialled Andre's number on his phone, but it went straight to voicemail so he tried Claire and then Paige, before sending Andre a text message - “Where is press conf? Urgent. Jack.�
�

  “Hell!” Jack shouted into the street and ran down the road, stopping outside an electrical retailer. “Where's the Bare Necessities Press Conference?” He shouted and looked around the shop.

  “Can I help you?”

  “Where's the press conference?” He pointed to the news channel on the unreasonably large television screens that adorned the shop.

  “You want to buy a television?”

  “Where's that,” he asked as the helicopter view on the television screen showed the black car that Paige and Claire were travelling in. Along the bottom of the screen, there were numerous bullet points relating to their story and Jack panicked.