by Nikki Landis
He looked momentarily startled. Shaking his head, I wasn’t sure if he was convincing me or making some kind of bargain with himself. Irritated I walked away and cleaned up little Benjamin. When he was changed and happy I sought Mal. He was lounging on a couch with Big Dog.
“Would you mind watching Benjamin for a few minutes?”
“Mow.” Little Benjamin said and clapped his hands.
“Come to Uncle Mal little man.” He grinned, taking him from my arms.
I didn’t miss his frown as he looked up at me. I shook my head in response and left, walking quickly to find my husband. I didn’t have far to go. He was leaning over a table filled with at least a dozen maps, many of them creased from use. Even though he heard me enter, he didn’t say a word.
“Alec…we need to talk.”
He sighed. “I know.”
Good. At least we both agreed on something.
“Well…” I asked and waited.
“What would you like to know Lizzie?” He asked, his voice becoming guarded.
“What would I like to know? Well how about where the hell have you been? Why haven’t you returned to us before now?”
I couldn’t keep the edge off my voice. He felt it and flinched.
“I never intended to stay away Lizzie. It was not my choice,” he answered.
Whose choice was it then? Why was he being so secretive?
For some reason he wouldn’t look at me. Fear made my blood run cold. Fear and suspicion. Was there another woman? Is that why he wouldn’t look at me? Or was he simply overwhelmed from becoming a husband and father so quickly? Did he want out? Was that the real reason?
I gulped loudly. “Is it me?”
I hadn’t meant to cry but the tears fell anyway. He looked up sharply from the table and crossed to me. Tilting my chin with his hands, he forced my gaze to meet his.
“Never. If there is anything good or right or happy in this world it is you and me and our wonderful son. Trust in that. Always my love,” he reassured me.
His lips met mine in confirmation. Sweet and gentle. In the back of my mind I knew I was letting him off too easily. He said what he knew would placate me. But was it the truth? I did not know and I was not ready to pursue it. His kiss melted my suspicions and I relaxed against him.
“Better now?” He asked.
“Yes. But aren’t you going to explain everything to me? There has to be so much for me to know.”
He nodded. “Yes, come here. See this spot?”
He pointed to a dense area on the map. I didn’t realize what he was pointing to at first and then I saw the location. It was Refugee Road.
“Yes, Refugee Road. Where you found me again.”
His eyes softened and he smiled. “Yes, darling. It has some importance to both of us. The militia is planning something big here. I’ve been trying to find out what for months. Intelligence has been slow but after we captured a few soldiers last week we found out the truth. They are going to bomb Refugee Road and close it, including the outlying cities, about six in total. That’s thousands of lives Lizzie.”
Bombing Refugee Road was a brilliant strategy for the militia. I honestly didn’t know why it had not been done before. The only conclusion I could make was that they needed that road, until now.
“Oh my God Alec! These are our people. Families and children live there. They have to be stopped.”
“Yes, and that is why…I can’t stay long Lizzie,” he confided.
The floor literally fell out from under me and I sank down without realizing it.
“I see,” I whispered. He was leaving me again.
Alec pulled me over to the couch and onto his lap.
“This is important. I can’t leave it to chance. I have to make sure the militia is stopped. It could be the turning point of the whole war,” he explained, his palm resting against my cheek.
“I want to go,” I told him.
I did want to go. I wanted to be involved. We had fought for this for almost five long years now. It held as much meaning and sacrifice for me as it did for Alec.
“No Lizzie.” His voice was hard.
I knew that was his answer before he spoke but it still hurt.
“Why not? I’m not going to take little Benjamin with us. Mal would stay with him. He’s old enough to wean.”
His eyes became hard steel. “Absolutely not. I will not have you put in harm’s way, especially on purpose. You have a duty here to provide for our child. He needs you.”
“Duty?! You can sit here and talk to me about duty when you leave your wife and child for nearly six months without a word?”
I had nearly shrieked in my anger. The lines around his eyes became more pronounced and his jaw tightened in barely restrained emotion.
“I have more duty and honor than you know Lizzie. It nearly killed me to leave you and it will again when I have to go. Why make this harder than it has to be?” He asked, taking a deep breath.
Something else lurked behind his eyes. He was still hiding something from me. I knew it. I could feel it. The hurt and the anger deepened and I lashed out, not knowing how to explain how I felt.
“Why don’t you want me there? Is there another woman?”
He looked as if I had slapped him. “How could you accuse me of something so vile?”
“You are keeping something from me. I feel it. Don’t you think I can feel it?” I yelled.
Surprise covered his face before he masked it again in anger.
“Lizzie!” He yelled back.
I recoiled from him, certain now that he had broken his solemn promise to me. He had kept the truth hidden. Lie or not, he was not telling me everything. The knowledge of that sank my heart into despair and I cried out, smacking him in the chest. He grabbed my arms and crushed me to his chest, a sob escaping his throat.
“I swear to you there is no one else. No one in this whole world but you, not now, not ever.”
I shook my head. How could I ever believe him now? He sounded sincere but now I knew Alec was keeping secrets and it changed everything in that moment.
Refusing to acknowledge his words, I pushed him away. Tears fell down my cheeks and I ran from him. Back in our room I shut the door and locked it, sobbing into my pillow on the bed, my heart shattered into a million broken pieces.
Chapter Fifteen: Mal
Mal picked up a bottle of whiskey and tipped it back, letting the fire settle into the pit of his stomach. Drunk. Completely wasted. Pass out from the world inebriated. It was the only condition in which he was going to last the night.
He had to block the thoughts in his head. The images of Lizzie’s naked body joining with Alec. The thought of him returning to claim her. The knowledge that he was right now, this very moment, making love to her. It tortured him in ways he never thought possible.
Shot after shot, he didn’t stop until his knees became weak and heat coursed through his veins. Bleary eyed he chanced a glance at Big Dog who quietly watched him. Silent communication passed between them. If anyone in this crazy world understood him, it was his best friend. Mal didn’t have to explain his mood. His friend already knew.
He had gone from drunk to cold stone sober in two seconds flat when Alec entered the doorway. All of his hopes had dashed with him. He would never stand a chance with Lizzie now. It wasn’t his plan to take her away. Really.
That was the worst of it. He had never wished any ill will toward his leader. Mal was as loyal to Alec as he could possibly be. He respected and admired him. Things were just different now. Way different.
Something had happened to him in the last six months that he had not counted on. Something he didn’t realize would cost him so dearly. For the first time in his life he had dared to let himself be real. In the months with Lizzie and little Benjamin he had been content and happy, able to relax and push past all of the barriers he had erected since the war started. He had a purpose greater than waging revenge and war.
A priceless life alterin
g objective.
Damn.
He was struck by the intensity of it.
Life had become precious to him. Their lives had become precious. His feelings had grown despite his efforts to keep himself distant. Honestly, he had tried.
His mistake was his error in thinking that when in love with someone you can keep your distance. He had failed on multiple occasions, almost bringing her down to his level. He never would have forgiven himself if Lizzie had done something she regretted. Sleeping with her would have been a mistake. A mistake that made his body hum and buzz with longing whenever she was near.
He threw back another shot, almost spilling the bottle in his other hand as he tripped over his own feet. Rum splashed on his pants and onto the floor. He grinned wickedly. Perhaps he was a tiny bit drunk after all. Good.
It was almost enough to drown out the tiny cries of ecstasy he heard coming from her bedroom door. Shit. More whiskey. That’s what he needed.
Big Dog caught the bottle as he dropped it, helping him over to the couch. He fell back against it and collapsed in fatigue. His eyelids drooped. It was only a matter of moments before he drifted off to sleep. His last thoughts were of Lizzie. He wondered how it would feel to have her love him in return, to feel her body pressed against him in passion, and to know the feeling of her belonging solely to him…
Mal regretted his decision to get drunk the minute he opened his eyes. Pain pierced his skull in at least three places and the light from above seemed intent on destroying his vision permanently. Nausea permeated every fiber of his being. With great effort he sat up, glancing around him. Liquor bottles were everywhere. Many of them were tipped over, most of them empty. Had he really consumed so much on his own?
A snore from nearby caught his attention. Big Dog. Of course he would have had a few drinks with his friend but he couldn’t quite remember. He didn’t remember much of anything last night except Alec returning home. After that it was a blur. Intentionally blank. But he felt the truth anyway. Instantly his heart remembered why he had consumed so much alcohol in the first place.
Lizzie. His body vibrated with memory. Lizzie running from the bedroom with joy on her face. Lizzie kissing Alec. Lizzie being carried off into the bedroom. Lizzie’s moans coming from the room, the noises lodging in his brain. Lizzie beautiful, naked, reaching for him. Lizzie…
He shook his head trying to dislodge his current thoughts from his brain. No. Lizzie didn’t belong to him. She was taken. She was married. She would never be his and the sooner he came to terms with it the less he would suffer. A terrible ache from his heart and his groin joined the one in his head. Shit. He had a hangover.
Sighing he rose from the couch and began to clean up the room. A half hour later it was clean, Tylenol was helping his headache, and he began to whistle a happy tune. Forcing himself not to dwell on Lizzie he walked down to the kitchen and began cooking a large breakfast. Sausage links, hash browns, fried eggs, and pancakes on a griddle soon covered the tabletop. He even felt motivated enough to squeeze fresh orange juice.
Feeling satisfied with himself he walked to Alec and Lizzie’s room and paused by the door. He could hear noises and knew they were awake. Smiling, he knocked on the door. Moments later Alec opened it, his demeanor strange for a man who had just been reunited with his wife and son. Mal brushed it aside and spoke cheerfully.
“How about a nice big breakfast this morning?”
“I’m starving, thanks. We’ll meet you at the mess in a few minutes. Lizzie is feeding Benjamin.”
Before Mal could respond the door was shut in his face. Frowning he walked away, shuffling his feet along the floor. Concern for Lizzie entered his mind. Had they fought? Had he been unkind to her? Did he suspect something was going on between him and Lizzie?
If any harm had come to her he didn’t know if he could hold himself in check. He had done that once, much to his shame. He had stood back and let Darren control Lizzie. He had let him treat her like a prisoner. His actions had come almost too late. What if Lizzie would have been killed? The thoughts tortured him until he was no longer alone and Big Dog entered the kitchen.
Mal knew his thoughts were wrong. He knew he lusted after and desired another man’s wife. The problem was that Mal had been in love with her for years now, so long he couldn’t remember when it happened. He had trained, slept, fought, and ate beside her on an almost daily basis since the day they found her. Yes, Mal had been there too.
Thinking back on that day he realized he must have fallen in love with her almost instantly. Together Darren and Mal had comforted her and brought her back from the brink of death. It was Mal who had insisted on caring for her wounds. Mal who held her hand and quieted her cries of anguish. No wonder he fell for her so hard and so fast. Even then she had been beautiful and innocent, her charm endearing him to her forever.
Mal would have to continue to be patient. He was here to protect Lizzie and her child. His job was not yet completed. Until the day she no longer needed him or she dismissed him, he would remain at her side.
He was not a fool. He knew his continued presence would only cause grief to himself, for his heart would always want Lizzie, and he didn’t know if he could or would want to change that. The problem was, there was no way to change that. Even if he walked away, no matter how much distance was between them, he would always love and desire her.
As he awaited her appearance one thought gave him solace. She loved him too. Even though her love for Alec was stronger, she still held feelings for Mal. Deep feelings. It meant the world to him that she confessed it. To know his feelings were validated because Mal knew she loved him too. No matter what the future held, life had shown him that love existed for him and that some things were still left in this war torn world worth fighting for.
Damned if he wasn’t going to try.
Chapter Sixteen: Alec
Alec waited until he was sure Lizzie had fallen asleep and then he let out a long slow breath. He was sure heaven could never be sweeter than lying with his beautiful wife, and certain hell wouldn’t ever be as agonizing as leaving her forever.
He absently brushed her long curls from her face. Studying her closely, memorizing every feature, he committed her to his memory. Far from now, in the future, he would remember this night. He would remember their love making and her love and it would give him strength.
For hours he watched her, unable to sleep, and let his heart absorb every second they had together. He glanced at his tiny son in the cradle. He was much bigger now. His delicate features reminded him of Lizzie. Soft brown curls and a heart shaped face. He wondered what color his eyes were and if they were still a bluish grey.
Little Benjamin made a tiny happy sound and rolled over. Blinking, he opened his eyes and looked over. Alec’s breath caught in his throat. His son’s eyes were the same color, steely grey, and suddenly he smiled.
“Dada.”
Tears filled his eyes. “Yes, my little Benjamin. It’s Daddy.”
The baby pulled himself up and started bouncing in excitement.
“Dada. Dada. Mama.”
He laughed softly and eased off the bed. Benjamin raised his little arms in expectation and Alec scooped him up in a hug. Squealing in delight he placed a kiss on his father’s cheek.
“Dada,” he said again.
Alec smiled at him and sank onto the bed next to Lizzie. She stirred and opened her eyes, a bright smile on her face.
“Somebody is happy to finally see his daddy.”
Guiltily Alec blushed and smiled back. “I know. He has already said dada at least five times.”
“Dada,” he repeated.
She laughed softly. “He’s been saying it for months, along with mama, Mow for Mal, and baba.”
Alec turned back to his son. He was bouncing on his lap and making happy little noises. There was a sparkle in his eye that reminded Alec of his own father. He would have been pleased and proud to have a grandson. The thought hit Alec hard. He had a wonderf
ul father raise him, gentle and kind. He was loved. Sharing that love with his own son was a blessing. At least it was supposed to be.
Alec had a family and became a man who now had his own son to raise. The idea filled his heart with joy, until he realized that he would not be here to do it.
He placed a kiss on his son’s head and handed him to Lizzie.
“Does he still nurse?”
She nodded and brought him close. Alec watched as he suckled at her breast, content and happy. For months he had these memories lingering in his mind. Images of her. Of his little boy. He used to dream of Lizzie nursing their son, of being content and happy and free. Alec would dream of a large family and his beautiful wife at his side. It had given him comfort on those long nights apart. But a dream it was.
He glanced at her sharply. Another child. Oh God, what if he got her pregnant again last night? It was possible, probable even. She had conceived easily with little Benjamin. After his birth they had been careful not to have another child too soon. But last night he had made love to her with wild abandon and it never entered his mind. What would he do if he knew she was carrying another baby? Would it change everything? Could Alec leave her now?
Angry with himself for being careless, he got up and started pacing. He ran his fingers through his dark hair in frustration. What would he do now? Would he have to wait until her monthly cycle came? Did he refuse to make love to her again? In his heart he knew he would never be able to resist.
But where did this leave him? Where did it leave them? Had he just done the worst thing imaginable and made them even more vulnerable? The answer came back as a swift yes in his head and he groaned in misery.
Lizzie had sought him out after breakfast. He knew she had questions. He knew she had doubts and was worried. The last six months were as lonely and miserable for her as it was for him. How did he make her understand?
And then she had jumped to conclusions. Imagining things that did not happen. Thinking he did not want her. Thinking there was another woman. It had shocked and angered him. Why? Why would she even consider the possibility of him cheating on her or wanting anyone else?
