Blackness Takes Over & Blackness Awaits

by Karlsson, Norma Jeanne

  “Paninis, salad, and soup boys?” I shout into the great room. College basketball is on and they’re all sucked in (it’s our favorite sport by far). I get four thumbs up, but no verbal responses. I can watch the game from the kitchen so I don’t feel left out. Some left over grilled chicken breast, roasted tomatoes, my garlic aioli, and some fresh mozzarella on focaccia sizzle in the panini press; while I throw together a spinach and strawberry salad with my lemon vinaigrette, yum. Then I defrost some butternut squash soup I made a couple weeks ago after a splendid visit to the farmers’ market.

  “Come on boys!” I bellow at them. They’re getting louder as the game gets more interesting. I grab a pitcher of iced tea from the fridge and sit down at the breakfast bar to maintain my view of the game.

  “Uh, muh gawd Kid, mmmmm,” Cally praises with a full mouth. I wink in response. Our house now sounds like some kind of strange porn gym, the moans and groans of the boys mixing with the whistles and squeaking shoes from the game. I get tickled and started to giggle. Kavy notices and raises an eyebrow at me while smashing his second panini into his mouth. I just shake my head. I’m not that hungry after my manly breakfast, so I enjoy my soup and watch the rest of the game with my boys.

  Once the game is over, Cally and Sully start to clean up. Whoever cooks doesn’t clean (House Rule) and since I almost always cook, I never clean up. This works out well, because I hate doing dishes. I’m leaning over the counter on my elbows when I feel two hands slip around my waist. I look over my shoulder to find Finn.

  “Thanks for lunch, Kid,” he grins. “It was outstanding as usual.” He gives me a kiss on my cheek and a squeeze before pushing away.

  “I’m gonna go hop in the shower guys and then head out to see Mia. What time is this gathering starting tonight?” I ask any of them that choose to answer.

  “At eight, Kid. Finn go with her would ya? I don’t like her goin’ to the hospital by herself. That neighborhood is sketchy,” Kavy shoots over the couch to Finn who’s still standing next to me and trying to avoid my glacial stare.

  “Kavy, do you need another ass kicking today? I thought you got your fill this morning,” I drone sarcastically, arching my brow at him.

  “Kid don’t start, I’m serious. You know that neighborhood isn’t safe, don’t fight me on this.” His tone is getting a little short for my liking.

  “Kavanagh I’m not a seventeen-year-old girl anymore. And even when I was I took care of myself just fine. I don’t need a fucking babysitter to assist me visiting a children’s hospital that I go to every fuckin’ week by myself,” my tones are getting louder now too.

  “Shannon.”

  “Aaron.” He fucking hates that!! Point me. He leaps over the back of the couch and stalks toward me. It’s about to be on.

  “Let’s not fuckin’ do this, Kid. I’m not in the mood for your shit or your mouth right now. Take Finn with you or I’m not lettin’ your skinny ass out the goddamn door. You catch my drift?”

  “You go ahead and try to stop me from leaving and I swear to God your father will scream when he comes to identify your body, Aaron Kavanagh. Don’t you ever again in your sad life threaten me in our home.” Finn puts his hand on my lower back and scoops it around my waist. I am seething right now at Kavy, but there is no outward evidence of it. I don’t panic.

  “Kid,” Finn coos softly in my ear, “go up and hop in the shower. I would like to see Mia too, if you don’t mind the company.” He’s trying to calm me and satisfy Kavy. It’s a nice idea but we’re too stubborn for that to even begin to work. Kavy is so pissed he’s balling his fists at his sides and breathing heavily. This just furthers my wicked mood. I push Finn’s hand off me, round the breakfast bar stopping two-inches from Kavy.

  “You thinkin’ ’bout puttin’ those mitts to use on me, Kavy? You wanna throw down, I got no problem.” I put both hands on his chest and push him back forcefully. He stumbles a couple steps, not expecting me to do that. He steps back toward me like he’s going to hit me. Faster than I can react he scoops me up over his shoulder and runs up the stairs. I am screaming at him to put me down and pounding him on the back. I see Sully and Cally and their faces are stunned. Kavy and I never fight anymore. We used to a lot in our early twenties, but never anymore. This is coming out of left field for sure.

  He goes into my room and heaves me onto my bed. I pop right back up on my feet like there are springs in my back.

  “WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR MALFUNCTION, KAVY?” I’m screaming in his face, his eyes are closed. He opens his eyes slowly and looks right into mine. He’s sorry. Caveman carrying me up the stairs is way out of line and he knows it. I can see it all over his face, but I’m livid. I rarely, if ever, get mad. I’m even at all times. However, if you get me mad I am hell on wheels to calm down. I have a nasty temper and know how to use it. I can hurt people with my words and my body. Usually, if you have the pleasure of seeing this side of me, you’ve earned whatever you receive from me. Kavy doesn’t, so I am trying to reel it in.

  “Kid, I’m fuckin’ sorry.” His shoulders are hunched and he’s looking at the ground. “When we were in your bathroom talkin’ this morning, I saw the scar on your hip.” He looks into my eyes and winces. “All I’ve been thinkin’ about today is that night, Kid. How fucked up you were. How it was my fuckin’ fault. I can’t do that again, Shannon, I can’t.” Not what I was expecting. Now I feel like a dick.

  “Kavy, look at me,” I’m somber but soft in tone. He looks at my eyes and I swear he’s about to cry. “I’m fine.” I take off my shirt, unbutton my jeans and pull my boy shorts down just enough to show him the scar on my hip. He looks down and cringes. I grab his hand and put it over my hip and the scar, holding his gaze strong with my own. “You saved me that night Kavy. You. Saved. My. Life.” I pull him close and wrap my arms around his middle. “I have one tiny scar on my body from him, but I have my whole life because of you. Don’t you ever blame yourself for that dog’s choice,” I sigh into his chest and can feel the tension melting off him. “I pity the motherfucker that tries to fuck with me now, Kavy. Don’t you?” He lets out one brief laugh, and I pull back to look at him.

  “I love you so fucking much, Kid.” He’s coming back around now. “You know that right?” His fingers and eyes are lightly tracing the tattoo that runs along my left ribcage. It starts just below the side of my breast with a Celtic knot that forms a four leaf clover, the stem is a continuation of the knot, loosely intertwining and sweeping down my ribcage to my hip. We all got some variation of this tattoo six months after I moved in with the guys. The first months after Liam’s attack were really hard on all of us. I was in therapy once a week for four years but the first few months were the worst. I blamed myself, hated myself, tried to pull away from everything around me. My boys rallied around me and fought hard to pull me out of that darkness. Sully suggested the tattoo and I jumped at the chance to mark that point as the beginning of my new life…again. The day we went to get the tattoos I was finally able to see the beginning of the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

  Sully has a huge back piece that goes from shoulder to shoulder with his last name scripted out of a Celtic knot design with the dot on the i being the same clover I have. Kavy has his glorious chest covered in a Celtic swirling tribal pattern with the clover at the center of his chest. Cally hates needles so his is a small clover on the inside of his left bicep. The Celtic knot has many interpreted meanings: love, family, an unbreakable bond, the list goes on. Once we realized we are all third generation Irish immigrants, the knot became the personification of our relationship and thus the birth of the tattoo.

  “How could you not love me? I mean look at this body,” QVC modeling with each mention, “this face, these tits, these legs, and let’s not forget my winning personality!” We’re both laughing full on after that and my door opens. Finn, Sully, and Cally are standing in the doorway staring at us. I’m half naked and we are both dying laughing. We must look bat shit crazy.

&n
bsp; “Kid, you all right?” Sully asks in a “WTF” tone.

  “I’m fine, I’m fine,” I try to get control of my breathing. “We’re all good.” I look up at Kavy and he smiles my smile down at me.

  “Well that’s uh, good. Your tits look great in that bra by the way.” He’s staring now so I give a shimmy and a showgirl’s smile. Cally and Sully laugh at that and Finn punches Sully in the arm. I hook my thumbs into my jeans and start to pull them down as I walk to my bathroom.

  “I’m getting in the shower now gentleman, if you’ll excuse me.” They just watch me walk away as I step out of my jeans and kick them across the room before shutting the bathroom door.

  “Fuck,” I hear Finn moan. “How do you three still live with her and keep your wits about you? I have a fuckin’ semi here.” I’m so listening in on this conversation.

  “Dude that’s fucked up,” Cally chides his brother. “Kid’s our sister. Yeah she’s blazin’ hot and is constantly refilling my spank bank but that’s for private, not when she’s in the damn room.” That logic is baffling. I hear Sully and Kavy snicker at the brothers.

  “It was one thing when she was seventeen, in undergrad and we were all so fucked up over that night. But have you looked at her in, I don’t know, the last nine of the thirteen years she’s been with us? She just keeps gettin’ better! Have any of you dicks ever found anyone that can compare to her?” Finn is serious. I start to feel like I’m intruding here, but they’re talking about me so it’s okay, right? There’s no response to his question, just quiet. I start to think they left when I hear Sully.

  “Finn, look. We all know she’s God’s gift. Whoever gets to spend his life with her is gonna have to be some kind of fuckin’ saint to try and keep up with her. Are you sayin’ you want that job? You wanna cross that line with Kid?” My jaw is lying in my lap.

  “I didn’t say that, O’Sullivan. But just imagine her walkin’ down the aisle with some dude we don’t know, tellin’ you three to move out of her house, fillin’ this house with his babies, holidays with her new family here. No more Chicago family with us.” I can feel a lump in my throat.

  “Thanks for that future therapy bill, Finn,” Kavy snarks. “Kid would never do half the shit you just said. We’re her family. She wouldn’t just stop a life with us to start one with someone else.”

  “You think her husband is gonna let your sorry ass sneak into bed with them at night, Kavanagh?” Finn is trying to make his point but he’s getting agitated.

  “If you knew Kid like we do, you’d know she doesn’t want to get married,” Kavy says pointedly. “She wants kids and says she’ll start adopting when she’s ready to pull back from the practice. I’m sure as shit not gettin’ married and I don’t think your brother, who can’t make it past three dates, is goin’ anywhere toward an altar. If O’Sullivan gets married he’ll be divorced in a week after he fucks the bridal party. So we’ll live here with her forever and raise her kids with her. I’d be lucky to live that life, Finn. So don’t knock it down like some trashy life she’s settling for.” I hear footsteps and a door slam. If I cried, I’d be sobbing like a baby right now.

  “You two know what I’m gettin’ at, don’t you? What Kav said is a nice dream but you know it’s not reality,” Finn pleads with Sully and Cally. No one answers him and I hear them all walk off.

  Holy shit that was intense. I get in the shower that’s been steaming up my bathroom for the last ten minutes. As I soak under the rain shower-head, I think back on the conversation I just heard. Kavy was right. I don’t want to get married. I have never been the girl to fantasize about the white dress and the perfect man. When I was in first grade we were asked to draw a picture of ourselves as grownups. All the girls drew pictures of themselves, a husband and kids. Some of the boys drew the same thing as the girls; others drew themselves as firemen and doctors. I drew myself bigger (grownup) and alone. This freaked my teacher out and she sent me to the counselor’s office. They called my mother who assured them that I must not have understood the assignment (bitch). I haven’t changed much since then. I don’t want a husband, but I do want kids now. With my work in foster care and adoption I’ve come to be incredibly passionate about children, and would love to adopt or foster in a few years. Getting pregnant on my own…not so much.

  What the fuck was with Finn? I’ve known him for thirteen years and it’s never been anything but platonic with us. I woke up on our couch while some chick was going down on him in our townhouse during undergrad. I lived with him for three years, one of which he was in a serious relationship. Maybe the chicken I fed them at lunch was rotten because Kavy and Finn are both acting like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I decide to shake it off and get out of the shower.

  I’m dressed in a cowl neck royal purple sweater with a wide tan leather belt around my slim waist. My tits look huge (are huge). I have on my favorite dark wash True Religion super skinny jeans that are like a second skin. My go-to, leather 3-inch heeled boots will finish it off perfectly. I’m bent over diffusing my hair when I see a pair of grey socked feet come into view. I turn off my blow-dryer and flip my head up to see who those feet belong to. Kavy.

  “Did you listen to everything earlier?” Kavy smirks at me. I smile coyly in return. These men are my family but we all have separate different relationships. Kavy knows my brain better than the others. I think that’s why he and I used to fight so much. I could play shit off with the other guys that I couldn’t with Kavy…still can’t.

  “You know I did. Why?” I flip my head down and return to diffusing. Kavy sits down on the edge of the tub and watches me while I do my hair. I can’t see his face but I know he’s thinking. This should be fun.

  Once I’m done, I flip my hair back up, fluffing and smoothing it with my fingers and a little product. It’s a good hair day in the Kelly house. I look at Kavy through his reflection in the mirror and start on my makeup.

  “If I knew I was gonna have an audience today I woulda put on a leotard and got out my baton!” I shimmy in the mirror and grin at Kavy. The corner of his mouth rises with a slight snort.

  “Finn was outta line earlier, Kid. I don’t know what’s gotten into him but I’ll sort him out. Don’t sweat it okay?”

  “I’m not.” I’m not.

  “You’re not?! Why the fuck not? I’m sweatin’ it! Are you sure you heard all the shit he said?” He’s freaked out. I smile at him in the mirror and put down my mascara. Face done. I turn and lean my butt against the Carrera marble vanity, crossing my ankles, my hands supporting me grasping the edge.

  “You’re all men. You guys have all gone through phases where you looked at me like I was what you wanted. I swear the first year at Stanford on Halloween I thought I was gonna have to tranq Cally. Sully actually drooled at me our first summer here. I mean, I saw him wipe his damn mouth with his sleeve after I got outta the pool. Kavy, two years ago you eye fucked me for half an hour at our Christmas party.” I arch my brow at him waiting for what he could come back with.

  “You’re fucking hot, Kid. Those things are gonna happen. We’re men and have moments but that’s all it is. We’re not ever gonna jeopardize our relationships with you over it…none of us would ever cross that line. But thirteen years later and I swear you look better today than you did at seventeen. No bullshit.”

  Bullshit!

  “What Finn said earlier was beyond teenage wet dreams. He was talkin’ future, serious future.” He shakes his head; obviously he can’t make heads, or tails, of Finn.

  “Finn needs to get laid, Kavy. A little pussy on his cock and he’ll forget all about his rant earlier. You know he hasn’t laid any pipe in months. He’s backed up, and it’s makin’ him talk crazy. Either that or you all have food poisoning from lunch, because you both have gone off the reservation today.” I bounce myself up off the vanity and cross the bathroom to him. He wraps his giant arms around my waist and mumbles something indiscernible into my stomach.

  “What?”

  “I
fucked up today. I’m sorry,” he sounds like a fourteen-year-old who got caught with a bong in his room.

  “All is forgiven, Kavy.” I slap his back a few times and move away from his grip. He follows me into my bedroom and pauses at my door watching me zip my boots up.

  “You’re happy right, Kid?” I look up at him inquisitively. He’s intent upon my answer.

  “Yeah Kavy. I’m happy,” I beam at him. I am happy.

  After Kavy leaves my room I go back into the bathroom, spray a little perfume on and put my diamond stud earrings in. Good to go. I jog down the stairs into the great room to find all my boys still engrossed in college basketball.

  “I’m off,” I announce as I hit the bottom stair. Wolf whistles from Sully and Cally erupt. I roll my eyes and head toward the coat closet in the foyer grabbing my winter white pea coat. I walk back into the kitchen toward the garage door and hear footfalls behind me. I stop and look back to find Finn following me.

  “Whatcha doin’?” I ask coyly.

  “Goin’ with ya. Lead the way.” He throws his arm forward and bows graciously. I pause for a second and think this through. I’m not sure if being alone together is the best choice at this point. However, if I tell him not to go because being alone isn’t a good idea; that could become huge drama that I don’t want. If I let him come with me and he tries to put his lame moves on me; that could turn into huge drama I don’t want. I’m fucked either way here…and not the good kind. What to do?

  “Cally?” His head pops up from the couch. “How often do you refill that spank bank of yours?” Sully spits out his beer in a movie worthy spray and Kavy claps his hand over his mouth to avoid the same mishap. Cally’s jaw is on the floor and Finn is just watching me.